Advancing the relationship from here

[Stromae]

I’ve been seeing someone long distance for close to a year. We had a crush on each other for awhile prior but right before I left for a new job we confessed our feelings. We took it slow but started dating seriously and see each other every 3 weeks or so in person and have maintained momentum. We’ve met each other’s families and said we want to get married eventually 

 

For some background she was in some toxic relationships previously. She said I’m the best person she’s dated, has said I’m a wonderful partner and also said more than once she thinks I’m out of her league and too good for her. I truly try to take her feedback to heart and work to be a better person but also a better partner 

The issue now is she said she has had a fear of commitment, and prior to me never felt like getting married. She went on to say she’s never had a relationship where she had to integrate her partner into her friend groups or family and before would date people without even telling her friends or family. She said because she has never felt this way about someone it’s opened her up to new anxieties. 
 

she talked to her friends who suggested she go to therapy to not bring issues from past relationships into this one. I’m supportive of this if it helps her. 

She said none of this is my fault at all or anything I’ve done. I just want to be a supportive partner and not force her into things, instead I’ve said I’m happy to go at her pace and not rush

Is there anyway I can help? 

[ExpatInItaly]

7 hours ago, Stromae said:

Is there anyway I can help?

Not really, no. 

These are her issues to work through. I would observe and see if she actually does get help and therefore take steps to integrate you more into her life. If she doesn't, then you need to decide for yourself how much of this you can withstand. Assuming she is being secretive about this relationship as well, have you met any of her friends and family?

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, Stromae said:

 right before I left for a new job we confessed our feelings. We took it slow but started dating seriously and see each other every 3 weeks or so in person and have maintained momentum. We’ve met each other’s families and said we want to get married eventually 

How long did you know each other before you moved away? Why did you "express feelings" only after you moved away? How long have you been long distance?

Is this for the purpose of an arranged marriage? How come your families are involved? Why are you discussing marriage if you don't even live in the same area anymore?

Is this the same woman?:

 

Edited April 19, 2023 by Wiseman2

[JTSW]

There's nothing you can do to help her.

She needs to help herself first and foremost.

Whether she gets that help is anyone's guess.

This could also be her way of slowly bowing out of the relationship.

[Stromae]

To answer some questions - yes it is the same person. We eventually took a chance on a relationship and it’s been progressing 

To clarify the other post - it’s not a secret. She said past relationships have been. In fact she’s introduced me to her friend group, has continued to make future plans with me. I recently was invited to fly out to stay with her family for a week and also met her extended family who seemed to like me well enough 

Her brother suggested he would visit this summer and her parents said they may come too. So it’s not a secret 

her struggle is more so that all of this is new territory for her, in the past her family wouldn’t meet the people she was dating. She states this has caused her some anxiety but it’s something she’s working on and wants to get married eventually 

it’s not an arranged marriage, just two people who developed a crush and since then have been doing what they can to make it work 

[Stromae]

To add - she said she loves me more after my week with her family which was actually quite recently. So while I can’t speak for her true feelings I think it’s been going alright. 
 

she also shared that during a recent conversation she told her friend she wishes she could wrap me in bubble wrap and keep me safe all to herself. Not sure what that means but at a minimum I’d think she has positive feelings 

[ExpatInItaly]

So what is causing her anxiety about this? 

It seems to be going fine. If she is the type who looks for or creates problems, you need to be cautious. Other than that, you have to let her work through her issues by herself.