Trying to date after 10 years of being single

[nowgone]

Ok, my relationship life sucks.

10 years ago I found someone on the internet, dated her, had a relationship, lived with her, and things went south and thus I'm single.

When I was working at a job for 16 years (dating happened during that time), I noticed during the last few years of that job, more and more people turn to their phones everytime they take a break during their shift. It's like I cannot have an opportunity to date someone because I'm a human and not a phone.

Because I am shy with people, especially with how I was heavily picked on as a kid, I decided a new approach to try to date someone who was working with me. I thought she was single because she was looking at me often on the job. so I made some sort of word game on paper to give to her to complete because I wanted women who can do more than make guys do all the decision making. Apparently the woman I gave the paper to reported me to my boss yet there was no rule that dating co-workers isn't allowed especially when I know of other co-workers already in a relationship.

Fast forward to 2020. Because work and I can't come to a reasonable ground with respect to the covid season, It was in our interests for me to quit. Now I am jobless.

Fast forward again to 2022/23. I go find someone online and we exchanged lengthy emails initially and then weeks go by where the person hasn't responded then she responded again for a bit and now she hasn't responded.

But now, I see another thing. I go to a local store frequently and a couple of girls probable have a crush on me.

One that appears to have a crush on me likes to look at me as often as she can and is the only girl in her age group (appears to be 19-22 years old)  that tells me to have a good day when I leave the checkout everytime but most other times she is very quiet. Not many people tell me to have a good day and I don't show a mean face either. I try to stay positive.

The other one who I think is a supervisor sometimes has short talks with me but it never comes across that I'm in trouble with her. sometimes she laughs but there are other times she is in a hurry to do work while other times she does her work next to me while we talk. She mentioned to me once that she "lives here" (aka living at the store as if the store is her life)

Now comes the hard part. The phone number exchange.

My zodiac sign is cancer. One thing about us cancers is that we care about people.

I think it would be uncomfortable to have the girl on the job to give her phone number verbally or in writing. Here's why.

If she gives it in writing, she would have to use work time to pull out a pen and paper and write down the number (I don't carry a cell phone on me. I have a house phone), and no one would want to be fired or lose money for writing numbers.

If she gives it verbally, then she may be breaching her own privacy because if a creep is somewhere nearby that is crushing on her without either of our knowledge then he could be writing her number at the same time and calling her at any point.

So I figure the best thing is to write everything on paper and hand it to her as I exit the checkout and say the fewest words in person because I don't want to create an unnecessary  scene in the store especially if the girl decides to make things not work out for whatever reason.

But then when I looked on this forum from some post back in 2014, someone said putting a number on paper and handing it to the girl is a bad idea.

So what am I to do without making anything uncomfortable? I also don't know where either girl takes a break because I never seen them on break.

I am a hopeless romantic in my 40's, never married, and I could use help if anyone has excellent advice.

 

 

 

 

 

 

[basil67]

If I have this correctly, you're talking about giving the young girl on the checkout your number.   You're in your forties and she's about 20.   

Yes, it would be uncomfortable to give the checkout girl your number.  Not for the reasons you cited but because of the age difference.  She clearly has good customer service skills but she shouldn't have to deal with old guys who think this means she's interested.  Sure, if you were 23 and had built a rapport it may be different but this is just creepy. Please don't do it.

Regarding people pulling out their phones at lunchtime, they do that because it's their downtime and they want to unwind.  Back before we had phones, people would pull out a book or newspaper.  They don't see their lunchroom table as a dating pool.

I suggest you work on expanding who you meet in your life.  Get out more. Do more things.  Try online dating again, but do start to carry your phone with you so that you're not tardy with responses

[Weezy1973]

There’s a lot to unpack here and I think your best bet is to get a psychological evaluation. It’s sounds like the bullying you experienced as a kid has impacted you a lot and likely needs to be addressed. 
 

As for this girl, forget about her. She is not interested in you. She says “have a nice day” because she works in customer service. You should be dating women in your own age group. But before that you should be getting a job. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, mik3ca said:

.is the only girl in her age group (appears to be 19-22 years old)  that tells me to have a good day when I leave the checkout 

 putting a number on paper and handing it to the girl is a bad idea. 

Sorry you've had some bad luck with dating.  It seems like she's just doing her job.

Unfortunately it's true that handing her something can come off as creepy and backfire.

Have you tried dating apps? 

Edited April 18, 2023 by Wiseman2

[basil67]

Yes, I agree that you need to find a job first.  Have you been out of work since 2020?   Why have you been unemployed for so long?

[nowgone]

On 4/19/2023 at 7:58 AM, Wiseman2 said:

....

Have you tried dating apps? 

Thats how I met my crazy ex.

On 4/19/2023 at 7:45 AM, basil67 said:

 You're in your forties and she's about 20.   

Yes, it would be uncomfortable to give the checkout girl your number.  Not for the reasons you cited but because of the age difference.  ....

When it comes to me choosing people, its behaviour that counts the most. Have you seen celebrity couples? their age differences are huge!  Put bluntly if my only options were to date a 39 year old that physically smacks me on the hour vs a 22 year old that is always kind to me while being able to make her own decisions, you'd know what I choose.

On 4/19/2023 at 7:58 AM, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry you've had some bad luck with dating.  It seems like she's just doing her job.

I'm not sure because like I said not many people tell me to have a nice day or act nicey-nicey.

On 4/19/2023 at 8:22 AM, basil67 said:

Yes, I agree that you need to find a job first.  Have you been out of work since 2020?   Why have you been unemployed for so long?

This wasn't the only time in my life I've been unemployed for a large period. even in my college years I've been unemployed. other than that 16-year job, the only other jobs I had were temp work that led nowhere.

I'm currently wihout a job and feel I'm ineligible for another job out there because I reject covid mandates. I am a human after all. But what I am doing to try to be sane is to try to make an income through the stock market from the remaining money I saved up from my job so I can get out there more and meet new people.

[ ] 

Edited April 20, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
off topic

[JTSW]

Ok, lets dial this back a bit.

Firstly, your perception is way off and you are way overthinking everything.

You are reading these women completely wrong.

They are not interested in you. They are doing their jobs.

They have to be friendly to customers and its polite to tell customers to have a nice day.

I see store workers saying this to customers all the time.

The biggest factor here is that you are old enough to be that girls father

[ ] 

 

 

Edited April 20, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
response to removed content

[nowgone]

Then why do other workers not showcase much like they're almost ignoring everything? I mean I would think if a woman acted extraordinarily nice towards me (beyond her work duties) it may hint to me that she's interested? Or why else would she go out of her way? Is the information on the internet about picking up women wrong?

[ ] 

 

Edited April 20, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
inappropriate debates

[Weezy1973]

11 hours ago, mik3ca said:

Then why do other workers not showcase much like they're almost ignoring everything?

Everybody is different and have different ways of working. Perhaps because you’re out of work, you’ve forgotten that people have different personalities?

 

11 hours ago, mik3ca said:

I mean I would think if a woman acted extraordinarily nice towards me (beyond her work duties) it may hint to me that she's interested?

Not if she’s at work. I work with a number of women and some are super friendly and nice, and others are more matter of fact, and some just seem bored and disinterested all the time. Her being different from her coworkers has no meaning. And it’s very unlikely she’s interested in you given the age difference. I think you’re projecting - you’re interested in her so you think she’s interested in you.

 

11 hours ago, mik3ca said:

Is the information on the internet about picking up women wrong?

Yes. 

 

Edited April 20, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
response to removed content

[basil67]

On 4/19/2023 at 9:33 AM, mik3ca said:

When it comes to me choosing people, its behaviour that counts the most. Have you seen celebrity couples? their age differences are huge!  Put bluntly if my only options were to date a 39 year old that physically smacks me on the hour vs a 22 year old that is always kind to me while being able to make her own decisions, you'd know what I choose.

I hate to break it to you, but you don't have a job, let alone celebrity status.   You may desire a 22yo, but there's little to suggest that a young woman would desire an old guy, let alone one who is unemployed.   Thing is, you can want this all you like, but if the young woman doesn't want it in return, it's not going to happen.

Also, I don't want to be mean, but have you considered that if you slip your number to her, she's going to tell her coworkers?  "OMG, that guy who comes in (gives description) just gave me his number.   And they will talk about the age difference and wonder why you thought it was appropriate"   Customer service staff DO talk about their customers behind the scenes

 

11 hours ago, mik3ca said:

Then why do other workers not showcase much like they're almost ignoring everything? I mean I would think if a woman acted extraordinarily nice towards me (beyond her work duties) it may hint to me that she's interested? Or why else would she go out of her way? Is the information on the internet about picking up women wrong?

Yes, the information on the internet is wrong.  If a female coworker acts nice towards you, it's because she's friendly.   If a customer service person learns your name or order, it's because they've been taught very well.    

[ZA Dater]

I think the inherent problem here is misreading kindness as interest. Look I think for many people who struggle dating (myself included) this can be a very big problem its a problem because you simply do not get much attention so any attention received is misread.

My suggestion to you is a bit different and its more about how you view things, view those interactions as an opportunity to be kind rather than try date. I say this because you wont find a date with her but that bit of interaction may help your confidence overall.

OLD honestly I would avoid this with your current mindset, it will do more harm than good in my opinion because the level of rejection will be very high and what I am reading in your posts suggests you may find this rejection all consuming. 

In my view you need to build yourself up a bit in terms of confidence and how you read people, granted neither are easy things to do and do understand I can sympathize greatly with your situation, its very tough when you have not really experienced much good about dating.