smile95 Posted November 6, 2005 Posted November 6, 2005 For all of you who have done strict NC, how long until you really felt a change in you? It has been 5 weeks for me and usually at around 6, he calls again....I am practicing NC no matter if he calls or not this time.....I have to. My question is.....5 wks is probably not enough time to really start to feel better right? I mean we were together 3.5 yrs, so 5 wks is nothing I guess. I still have random thoughts of him and urges to just call or text him and wonder if he will call me too. I know that I cannot and that would be the worst thing I could do, but if I give it some more time, will I feel better or should 5 wks already start to make me feel better.
downcydeguy Posted November 6, 2005 Posted November 6, 2005 There's no set amount of time in the healing process. I'm sure you have made significant progress already - even if you haven't realized it. If he's playing the game of trying to keep tabs on you every 6 weeks or so, ignore him. It sounds as though you've realized that.
Author smile95 Posted November 6, 2005 Author Posted November 6, 2005 I have realized it. I mistake him telling me he loves me every so often for actaul love and I know better now. For my own sake, I hope he does not call(eventhough I secretly expect it). If he does not call, I will move on faster. Each time sets me back. It sux that I truly loved him and it seems I am a game to him. We never fought or even broke up? He just goes awy and comes back. I think that is his plan to keep me holding on....so far it has worked, but lately I have been seeing I do not deserve this.
sundrop Posted November 6, 2005 Posted November 6, 2005 Beth, Hopefully you know what I am going to say is out of love for you... Take it from me.... If you truely do not let go of this image of this person you have crated in your head, than it could take you ten years to move on.... The longer you hold on and expect him to call and expect him to hopefully call then the longer your healing process will take. Yes we all have our set backs, from time to time. Lord, knows I still have my days.... But I finally had to have a nice little talk with God the other day while driving... I had to ask him, (as hard as it was for me) to either permantly put my ex in my life or take him out 100%, because I could not take the back and forth any longer... So Beth, I feel you will have to decide what the timeline is going to be for you, I honestly feel you decide for the most part. I wish you the best.
JohnJohn Posted November 6, 2005 Posted November 6, 2005 I mean this out of care and concern too....I have always liked your signature on your posts, especially the "Don't put a question mark where God has put a period" one. Have you thought of this in relation to your situation? I know I have in mine and it has helped me. There's definitely a period in my situation. Sure it's tough to still handle but at least I know the period is there. And the "Let go and let God" is good too. I need to do that and I suspect you do as well?
Craig Posted November 6, 2005 Posted November 6, 2005 I have realized it. I mistake him telling me he loves me every so often for actual love and I know better now. Talk is cheap, look to a persons actions to tell you how they feel. His words say "love" but his actions say indifference, perhaps.
westernxer Posted November 6, 2005 Posted November 6, 2005 Five weeks is nothing. It may take you five months.
heartnsoul Posted November 6, 2005 Posted November 6, 2005 Goo'day sunshine !! Well, you already know what I'm gonna say but I'll say it anyways....there's no time frame for grieving. It's about mental conditioning....acknowledging that holding out for contact is holding you back. (Believe me, I'm doing the same damn thing) I think in some aspects for you this new guy is good but I'm growing a little concerned that if it doesn't blossom to your level of expectations that you'll experience an emotional set back. You're wanting this guy to somehow be your ex and almost replace the fantasy you had him built up to be. I know it's not on a conscious level but......just my opinion. Maybe you should try to slow things down a bit? Absorb what's going on w/in yourself...adjust to the changes a little. At any rate Beth...just be patient with yourself
Author smile95 Posted November 6, 2005 Author Posted November 6, 2005 Goo'day sunshine !! Well, you already know what I'm gonna say but I'll say it anyways....there's no time frame for grieving. It's about mental conditioning....acknowledging that holding out for contact is holding you back. (Believe me, I'm doing the same damn thing) At any rate Beth...just be patient with yourself how do I let go of hope when he has always called....this will be the 9th time he has done this if he ever calls again? I want to let go, but facts are facts....any suggestions on how to really let go of hope once and for all? I want to -truly I do. I am tired of this feeling. I really wish he would have just told me to leave him alone and that he hated me -it would have been easier.
sundrop Posted November 6, 2005 Posted November 6, 2005 I really wish he would have just told me to leave him alone and that he hated me -it would have been easier. No, I don't think it would have been easier, if those words have been said. Beth, you have been doing so good.... Hopefully you are just having a bad day and these thoughts will be behind you tomorrow... Just keep reminding yourself, you are sweet, big hearted, kind, pretty woman, and you deserve better, than your ex gave you. The little scraps of a relationship are nothing compaired to what you deserve. Please, Please, Please, keep your head high, there is something awesome for you around the corner, just be patient... With much Love, K PS. If you don't pick your chin up and start smiling, remimber I'm not to far away....
Author smile95 Posted November 6, 2005 Author Posted November 6, 2005 No, I don't think it would have been easier, if those words have been said. Beth, you have been doing so good.... Hopefully you are just having a bad day and these thoughts will be behind you tomorrow... Just keep reminding yourself, you are sweet, big hearted, kind, pretty woman, and you deserve better, than your ex gave you. The little scraps of a relationship are nothing compaired to what you deserve. Please, Please, Please, keep your head high, there is something awesome for you around the corner, just be patient... With much Love, K PS. If you don't pick your chin up and start smiling, remimber I'm not to far away.... lol thanks sundrop I had a lack of sleep and a lot going on in my head, so I think that is why I kinda fell today. I didn't break NC. I took a nap and hopefully, can get back on track! Thanks........That man must be magical to make me still love him and he treated me like dirt!
westernxer Posted November 6, 2005 Posted November 6, 2005 That man must be magical to make me still love him and he treated me like dirt! He's magical because you put him on a pedestal.
Author smile95 Posted November 6, 2005 Author Posted November 6, 2005 is there a secret to breaking that pedestal down and seeing him for who he is......I have tried it all.
Art_Critic Posted November 6, 2005 Posted November 6, 2005 Who is he Beth ?? He doesn't love you !!! Why do you have to know who he is Beth ?? It doesn't change that he DOESN'T love You .. You need to forget about him and keep dating new guys
sundrop Posted November 6, 2005 Posted November 6, 2005 He's magical because you put him on a pedestal. Amen, to that Westernxer..... I say lets start a barn fire, and burn the pedestal, as some sort of ritual... Beth, I'm going to buy you some Xanax... Maybe that will help.... For your sake I hope you Dont break NC... I'll come get you if you do....
Fallen_Angel Posted November 6, 2005 Posted November 6, 2005 I don't think you're going to feel miraculously cured overnight; rather, every day you start to feel minutely better and before you know it, you've strung whole weeks together and you have something concrete to build upon. I'm at 7 1/2 weeks. I NEVER thought I would make it this far. The further on you go, the more you start to think "Holy crap, I am risking MONTHS of progress now if I give in." The random thoughts aren't going to stop overnight either...instead, they'll occur a bit less frequently. Steady as she goes, or whatever. I know you can do it!!
westernxer Posted November 6, 2005 Posted November 6, 2005 is there a secret to breaking that pedestal down and seeing him for who he is......I have tried it all. There is no secret... he doesn't love you.
Author smile95 Posted November 6, 2005 Author Posted November 6, 2005 There is no secret... he doesn't love you. You do not know that and none of you know what is going on in his life at the moment.....FYI those comments do not exactly help at this point. All telling me that makes me want to do is call him and have him tell me differently.. what good do you think that comment would do to someone in my position?
westernxer Posted November 6, 2005 Posted November 6, 2005 Then call him and let us know how you feel afterward.
Art_Critic Posted November 6, 2005 Posted November 6, 2005 You do not know that and none of you know what is going on in his life at the moment.....FYI those comments do not exactly help at this point. Tell us what he has done recently ( in the last month or so ) to show you that he DOES love you ??? You can't come up with anything can you ?? He doesn't love you ... PERIOD.. If he did he would be by your side.. And by the way.. Showing you this DOES help you .. You are slipping back for some reason and need to be pulled back into reality Also you are not a 12 year old child.. You can handle the truth
sundrop Posted November 6, 2005 Posted November 6, 2005 You do not know that and none of you know what is going on in his life at the moment.....FYI those comments do not exactly help at this point. All telling me that makes me want to do is call him and have him tell me differently.. what good do you think that comment would do to someone in my position? Beth, Please calm down, deep breaths.... No one here is trying to hurt your feelings.... Call me if you need to....
Author smile95 Posted November 6, 2005 Author Posted November 6, 2005 Tell us what he has done recently ( in the last month or so ) to show you that he DOES love you ??? You can't come up with anything can you ?? He doesn't love you ... PERIOD.. If he did he would be by your side.. And by the way.. Showing you this DOES help you .. You are slipping back for some reason and need to be pulled back into reality Also you are not a 12 year old child.. You can handle the truth I CAN handle the truth, but you do not know if this man loves me or not? It is pointless to argue what HE feels. He is the only one that knows. I am not saying that he is in love with me or even wants to be with me....but I do know that he loves me. He has told me many times in the last few months.....I still love exes from years ago...people with NPD may not appear to love like normal people, but they love to the best of their ability. Ya'll can tell me til I am blue in the face that he does not love me, but it means nothing coming from a stranger who does not know either of us. BTW...My question was not does he love me?....it was how do I not put him on a pedestal.
sundrop Posted November 6, 2005 Posted November 6, 2005 Beth, you are 100% correct, he is the only one who knows how he feels about you.. I think most of us here, do not think he loves you the way you need to be loved, they way most of us here need to be loved. Maybe he does love you in his own way, BUT he does not love you the way we think you deserve to be loved.. When someone truely loves you, you shouldn't have to second guess anything, such as if they are going to call, you know they are because you just hung up the phone with them and you are glowing with joy and you know you will here back from them. You know when the next time you will see them, because they are making plans with you to come see you again. Beth, I wish I could burn this pedestal down you have for this man, You are such a sweet person, and you deserve so much better, than what he has given you.
Art_Critic Posted November 6, 2005 Posted November 6, 2005 Beth.. Can you see that you are the only one arguing the point ?? I'm not because I know the answer .. You don't want to accept the truth.. and are subsituting your own.. Because you still think for some reason that this relationship to a married As* is so fullfulling.. Get over it ........
Author smile95 Posted November 6, 2005 Author Posted November 6, 2005 Beth.. Can you see that you are the only one arguing the point ?? I'm not because I know the answer .. You don't want to accept the truth.. and are subsituting your own.. Because you still think for some reason that this relationship to a married As* is so fullfulling.. Get over it ........ Well, we have been down this road before and it is pointless to go over it anymore about the marriage issue. He isn't. THis really is doing me no good or making me feel any better, so thanks, but no thanks for the advice tonight.
Recommended Posts