How to make the healthy decision for me in my relationships?

[Howtomakehealthydecision]

I'm in a situation where I feel like I'm being pulled in 2 different directions.

My boyfriend wants more from me (like living together) but I told him I wasn't ready yet and he understands but "hopes" I'll be ready in the coming year. We've been dating about 20 months.

I do love my boyfriend and he loves me but I don't know what the future holds (nor does anyone else).

My adult kids are pulling me in a different direction and that's to be unattached. Even though they both say they want me to be happy and I've explained I'm lonely after losing their dad/my husband more than 10 years ago, they seem to always criticize who I date and tell me why they're not a good person or not right for me. I do hear them since they are outside of the relationship but also know they are being possessive out of anxiety of losing me. I've assured them that they will always be my priority.

I'm getting real grief from one of my kids about my current relationship saying "he's boring" and "he doesn't have manners and doesn't say thank you when he should." Also, I hear he's selfish because he didn't visit me when I was feeling unwell (I have been having issues getting sick for the last 6 months on and off and the doctors can't figure it out. I am ok for a while and then I can get sick for several days or a week). While sometimes this may be true, I did say something to my boyfriend about this concern (of course, not using those words and not saying it came from my family) and it seems he is trying to improve his ways and give me more attention. Now my boyfriend does offer to help/visit me if I'm not feeling well but I'd rather not have him here so I don't get him sick (which I did during my last episode last month) and I'd just prefer to be alone.

I know at the end it's my decision but it takes a lot of energy from me to be in this situation. I'm totally worn out because of getting unwell from time to time and then when I do feel better, I feel guilty about seeing my boyfriend. My kids say he should always come to me and I shouldn't run to him on any regular basis especially since my health has been touch and go. We live about 40 miles apart.

What is the best way to approach this situation? I am going to a new doctor to see if they can find out why I'm going through this health issue but I've been to many doctors and so far, no one can figure it out. I'm starting to wonder if the emotional pressure is getting to me. All I want to do is sleep/stay in bed and then have sore throats and headaches.

[Gaeta]

You're the lady that pays 50% of his boyfriend rent? 

If your children think he's cheap then he is. This man is out to take advantage of you. 

The father of my daughters has died 10 years ago and my eldest daughter who's 35 still lives in fear to lose me but she wants me happy above all so when a man treats me right she's excited for me. If one day she comes to me with *this man is taking advantage of you* l would 100% trust her judgement. 

[ShyViolet]

This was a bit exhausting to read.  You are letting everyone in your life walk all over you.  Most of what you were writing was all about what your bf wants you to do, what your kids want you to do, other people trying to control you.  What do YOU want?  

First your kids tell you that your bf is inconsiderate for not visiting you when you were sick.  So you tell your bf that he should visit you when you're sick.  So he does.  Then you say you didn't even want him to visit you when you are sick and would rather be alone.  What?  What did YOU want all along?  Are you just going along with everything that other people decide for you?  Where is your voice and your backbone?  You need to learn to establish boundaries with people, including your own kids.  When someone starts telling you how you should live your life, you need to put them in their place and let them know that you didn't ask for their opinion.  Do you lack confidence?  Make your own choices and be more clear and assertive about them.

And if you feel that you are not ready to move in with your bf, then you are not ready.  Period.  Tell him you are not doing it, and you will let him know if that changes. You never move in with someone just because of their pressuring you, when deep down you know you are not ready or it's not what you want.

Edited April 16, 2023 by ShyViolet

[Alpacalia]

Look at the big picture and take a step back.

Try to stay away from external pressures.

Get enough sleep, relax, and look after your health. Make a decision then.

It's fine to express appreciation to your children for their concern, but ultimately you have to decide how you want your relationship to be. It is not their criticism or control that you need, it is their support.

There's no rush to move the relationship forward if you're not ready. Make sure you are comfortable with your decision and that you are confident in it. Either he will be on board or he will not. Please do not feel compelled to do anything you do not feel comfortable doing just to satisfy your boyfriend.

How do you feel about your children's comments? Is there any merit to them?

When your boyfriend did not come to visit you, you said that you did not want him to get sick or become ill. There seems to be some conflicting emotions going on there. It is possible that you are in a situation where you want to support the concerns he has while still feeling disappointed and missing him physically. There is nothing wrong with feeling conflicted in this situation. You can feel disappointed and miss him, but also understand that his decision is based on his own concerns.

Would you consider yourself a people pleaser?

[Wiseman2]

Listen to your adult children. They seem concerned about you.

Is this the same man?:

 

[ShyViolet]

@Wiseman2 how do you know that's the same OP if it's a different username?

[Gaeta]

16 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

@Wiseman2 how do you know that's the same OP if it's a different username?

When l read her story right away l felt her story was the same as this other lady poster. 

[Lisa]

Sorry folks.  Return of the hydra.