Dating older women

[Hopeful714]

I need some advice. I am a 57 yr old F. I take good care of myself, am quite fit and am told I’m attractive. I have never been married and have no children. Reason for this is because when I was younger I dated the wrong type of men. There were also stretches between relationships that I enjoyed being single and really didn’t want a relationship. I don’t and never did sleep around. I have a good job, a nice home and my own money. I wouldn’t say I’m wealthy but I think I do well. I am educated and carry myself confidently.
 

Last relationship/sex was 11 yrs ago. It was another horrible choice but I assure you it was my last.  When it ended it took a while to recover from the ordeal, and then I went back to the happy on my own mode. I really thought I’d be happy just being on my own forever, but now I am beginning to feel sad I never got to experience the healthy, loving, mutually respectful relationship I always wanted but wasn’t yet smart enough to have. I know that I am ready now.

Is it too late for me? I really don’t want to do OLD as I was never comfortable w that and always met people in real life situations. However nowadays, I find there is no one to meet. Guys my age, the desirable ones are taken. I find younger guys seem interested but I’m scared they are just looking for sex. The way the dating world is today, I’m so out of it. I don’t want to sleep w anyone until I feel a mutual caring connection and have exclusively. I’m thinking this is impossible as guys can just date girls younger who are willing to  put out. Everyone wants FWB. I don’t. And, although I still get looks, no one approaches. 

Can anyone offer any advice? Or should I just figure I will be alone forever which would really be sad now that I truly feel capable of making good choices and committing to a healthy relationship? I don’t even have to get married! But would enjoy something long term and meaningful.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited April 16, 2023 by Hopeful714
Finished sentence

[ExpatInItaly]

I don't think it's too late at all, no. 

Let me share three personal anecdotes. I have an aunt who is now mid-60s, and has been married 3 times (no children). Each time to toxic men. In her late 50s, she decided she'd had enough and divorced the last one. She thought she would be alone forever at that point - until she reconnected with a childhood friend from decades before. He is the same age as her, never married and no kids. He too thought he would be the eternal bachelor. Well, they fell in love and have happily partnered the last few years and live together. I have never seen her so content. 

Andecdote #2: Another aunt (the above's sister), divorced her husband around 25 years ago. She was busy raising my two cousins and never seemed to date much. A couple of years ago, she started getting close to her neighbour, a man around her age who also had adult children. They have been dating ever since and plan to move into together after he sells his home this summer. 

Anecdote #3: My sister-in-law lost her mother in a car accident about 12 years ago, when her mom was around 60. Her father was naturally devastated, as they'd been married for decades. He needed plenty of time to heal and figure out which way was up again. He was also very lonely and worried he would never find another partner. He happened to meet a lovely woman a few years ago at a friend's holiday dinner. They're now happily living together and is a great step-mom (and step-grandma!) to my sister-in-law and her kids. 

I share these stories to remind us that love is indeed out there, and it certainly doesn't need to come from OLD.  Age doesn't have to be a limiting factor. What sort of opportunities are you giving yourself to meet good, like-minded men? Are you social? Part of any groups or activities in your area? 

[Weezy1973]

6 hours ago, Hopeful714 said:

Is it too late for me?

Definitely not. However you might have to change some of your habits to put you in positions to meet more people. If you’ve been happily single for a decade, it’s unlikely you’ve thought much about how to meet potential partners.

 

I also wouldn’t write off online dating. You can try a paid, relationship oriented site like eHarmony. There’s not nearly as many people as are on the free sites, but the ones that are there are usually more serious. 
 

Also, as you say you’re now ready for a meaningful relationship after making bad choices previously, I’m assuming you’ve done therapy and worked out why you were making those choices and worked on yourself. If not, that would be my advice to do before dating anyone.

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, Hopeful714 said:

. I’m thinking this is impossible as guys can just date girls younger who are willing to  put out. Everyone wants FWB. I don’t. And, although I still get looks, no one approaches. 

What do you do for fun outside of work?  What types of interests, sports hobbies and activities do you pursue in your leisure time? 

The first thing to do is dispell the notion that everyone wants FWB. Or that everyone readily "puts out", except for you. 

You can try putting up a good profile and pics on quality (at least one paid one) dating apps that are relationship focused or age-group focused. 

At the same time you could broaden your social horizons by joining some groups and clubs, volunteering, taking some classes and courses, etc. 

Learn a new language, take up golf, volunteer for a community project. When you get to know people you see regularly, it may take the fear away that all men want is no-strings sex. Try not to base things on the experience with the creepy neighbor. 

Edited April 16, 2023 by Wiseman2

[Gaeta]

My god girl !! You need to change the story you tell yourself! We attract what we beleive deep down. 

I am 57 years old as well, 8 months ago l met the most amazing man walking the face of this earth, he's 8 years younger than l,  we are madly in love and we want to spend the rest of our life together. Every day l'm thinking l must have done something right at some point for life to put this wonderful human being on my path.

There is no age for love. My grand mother remarried at 75, she called him the love of her life!

So stop this narrative that you're old! I will kick in the head anyone suggesting 57 is old, lol.

 

Edited April 16, 2023 by Gaeta

[Hopeful714]

Thank you for all the replies. Gaeta’s response brought tears to my eyes! And the others were  very inspiring.
I still work a full time job. I’m pretty active with fitness, so I belong to a gym and in the warmer weather can be found out in the community or parks walking or jogging. Unfortunately 3 of my closest friends passed away in the Covid year, but it wasn’t Covid. I have a few friends left and we go to  baseball and basketball games in addition to alot of concerts. (Can’t wait for Motley  Crue and Madonna this summer lol!). We also go for cocktails to check out new places or restaurants. I will say entertainment is getting more difficult to afford in this economy though. I also help older family members with things at home so really I do think my life is rather full but I do my best to “get out there” doing things I like and not necessarily trying to meet guys although my eyes are always open.

Never went to therapy but through life experiences, a lot of reading, much introspection and thanks to forums such as this as well as listening to Dr Laura (lol) I saw the errors of my ways and understand why I made the choices I did. At my age now I actually feel best equipped for  positive encounters and most importantly know when to walk away.

One thing I can use help with though is how to show a guy I am interested. I do get looks and sometimes notice guys “peacocking” around me. It’s so interesting/funny to see! But I don’t know what to do. I’m not going to sit there and play with my hair, smiling and  adjusting myself as many articles say. I also still deal with a bit of shyness so making eye contact with a smile is sometimes difficult as I don’t want to appear to be a desperate older woman or Mrs. Robinson for those old enough to remember. Plus not knowing one’s availability is also difficult. Many taken men or even available ones are looking for just attention and validation.

I guess this is a good place to start. How to show interest and be approachable. Tips? Once I actually land some dates, I’m sure I will need assistance navigating those!

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, Hopeful714 said:

. I also help older family members with things at home 

 I’m not going to sit there and play with my hair, smiling and  adjusting myself as many articles say. 

Are you a primary caretaker of elderly people? Do you live alone or with family? 

Have confidence and simply walk up to people and start some small talk. Please don't buy into articles which suggest being a wallflower with someone sort of hair twirling nervous tic as if it's signalling interest. These articles may be geared for highschool girls.

Be confident, outgoing and approachable.  It's very easy to talk to someone about whatever is going on.

Even as trite as "great whether!". It's not that whether is interesting, it's that it makes you friendly and approachable.  

[Gaeta]

3 minutes ago, Hopeful714 said:

How to show interest and be approachable. Tips? Once I actually land some dates, I’m sure I will need assistance navigating those!

I was really bad at making contact in real life. Men looked at me alright but we live in this 'me too' area where men almost fear approching women in public. Do not dismiss online, statistics says 75% of singles are online, make it work for you. I met my bf on FB dating, l found more serious men on there.

Some places with warm climate offer more possibilities of meeting in real life, l'm located in Canada with 6 months winter so forget meeting someone while out and about, we have 3 months of heat here.

[Alpacalia]

It's normal to feel nervous. You're not adept at something you haven't practiced in ages. So start with allowing yourself the ability to explore, be curious and learn. There is no need to know what you haven't done. Tell yourself you will meet lots of interesting people, make some great friends, and have fun doing so.

In the past, I have met partners through friends, through sports we both played, and through walking. Being active in my community has never been about meeting a romantic partner; rather, enjoying myself has been the goal.

There's no such thing as a failed relationship. You changed and you grew, but it worked until it didn't work.

PS. I have seen Motley twice. Good concert. Enjoy!

Edited April 16, 2023 by Alpacalia

[Weezy1973]

2 hours ago, Hopeful714 said:

How to show interest and be approachable. Tips? 

Back in my single days, I found that women that were interested made it easy to approach, mostly by moving closer to me. So they were actually physically closer.

But while you’re getting out and about, you’re basically hoping for a “cold approach” which first is going to be rare, and second is probably not going to yield great results just because of the random nature of it. If you’re relying on cold approaches I think you’re way better off with OLD as you have some control.

 

If you’re absolutely opposed to OLD you’ll have better chances of meeting someone compatible by getting into situations where you see the same people over and over again, preferably over a shared interest. Clubs, classes, volunteering, etc. are all good options. 

[Lotsgoingon]

No, you're not too late. There is no such thing. 

Let's get right to the point: it's all relative sister. I'm 61. Meeting a great 57-year-old--you are young to me! I'm totally serious. 

That you are even asking this question says you have absorbed too much ageist and maybe sexist b.s. about dating and age. People date in nursing homes in their 80s.  And look: you do not need to justify being single. And you don't need to justify not having children or not having sex for a while. If you've been taking good care of yourself and living to your own goals and values, you are doing well. And if someone thinks otherwise, they are disqualified from dating you. 

Focus on your strengths. Your interests. What you like to do and how you think. 

I do think OLD is probably a good idea for you--though you may have to learn how to do it in an emotionally safe way. You go slow and not assume two dates mean you have discovered your soulmate. You trust your body (weird feelings--you don't ignore those even if you're clueless about what sparked the weird feeling). You take your time and voice all red flags (at least to yourself) and then to the other person. You give yourself permission to pause and stop at any point along the way. You get reassured on a point, then you can resume dating the person. You do NOT owe the person another date or another phone call and not sex. You do not owe them sex even if you're climbing in bed and both of you have your clothes off. 

On guys wanting sex. Yes, they do! As do women! But that's not your problem. You don't have sex unless YOU REALLY WANT to. Period. And you date slowly over time to sense where this person is. Rule out one-night-stands if you're the type of fall in love based on that. 

Go for it sister!

 

 

 

[Ami1uwant]

4 hours ago, Hopeful714 said:

Thank you for all the replies. Gaeta’s response brought tears to my eyes! And the others were  very inspiring.
I still work a full time job. I’m pretty active with fitness, so I belong to a gym and in the warmer weather can be found out in the community or parks walking or jogging. Unfortunately 3 of my closest friends passed away in the Covid year, but it wasn’t Covid. I have a few friends left and we go to  baseball and basketball games in addition to alot of concerts. (Can’t wait for Motley  Crue and Madonna this summer lol!). We also go for cocktails to check out new places or restaurants. I will say entertainment is getting more difficult to afford in this economy though. I also help older family members with things at home so really I do think my life is rather full but I do my best to “get out there” doing things I like and not necessarily trying to meet guys although my eyes are always open.

Never went to therapy but through life experiences, a lot of reading, much introspection and thanks to forums such as this as well as listening to Dr Laura (lol) I saw the errors of my ways and understand why I made the choices I did. At my age now I actually feel best equipped for  positive encounters and most importantly know when to walk away.

One thing I can use help with though is how to show a guy I am interested. I do get looks and sometimes notice guys “peacocking” around me. It’s so interesting/funny to see! But I don’t know what to do. I’m not going to sit there and play with my hair, smiling and  adjusting myself as many articles say. I also still deal with a bit of shyness so making eye contact with a smile is sometimes difficult as I don’t want to appear to be a desperate older woman or Mrs. Robinson for those old enough to remember. Plus not knowing one’s availability is also difficult. Many taken men or even available ones are looking for just attention and validation.

I guess this is a good place to start. How to show interest and be approachable. Tips? Once I actually land some dates, I’m sure I will need assistance navigating those!

I’m a guy…about 5 years younger than you.

I’m not going to randomly approach someone I was interested in to try and ask them on a date.  I need something to start a conversation with them.  Such a thing could be innocent in nature like “ hey, you dropped that”

 

meeting people online ( I’ve done this since AOLstarted).. don’t be afraid of it.  Think of it as meeting someone randomly at a bar or party. Your first meet is something basic in public like at a book store, coffee shop, farmers market, walking shopping district/ mall.  You are just talking with them and then decide do you want to get together again.  It’s key online to male it in person as soon as possible.

 

thr times I’ve met someone not from online has bern from slowly knowing them like from work ( not a direct coworker) where you might see thrm occasionally at common meetings and started to talk on work things then personal stuff. Or you can work in same building and hit the same spits for lunch at the same time.

 

you can have similarities with things like weekly food shopping, going to the farmers market at the same time, you go to the same church or are involved in the same group/ club/ organization/ charity/ volunteer group so you be at same place at same time.

 

[Alpacalia]

Wholeheartedly agree with LGO.

Don't let anyone pressure you into having sex. The right person will respect your wishes and wait until you're both ready. Yes, hook up culture is very prevalent in online dating. Many people use online dating as a way to meet potential partners for casual sex. On the other hand, there are also many people who use online dating to find potential partners for long-term committed relationships.

You can use online dating to screen potential partners for compatibility before you ever meet in person.

The answer is that nothing works. 99% of everything is eventually a rejection or date fail.

It can feel discouraging. A good portion of men often view all women they meet as potential sexual/long term partner, but within a social circle, rejection can be implicit rather than explicit. Cold approaches, on the other hand, tend to result in more explicit rejection, which may make them less effective for women. For men, cold approaches may offer the chance to see and interact with many women, but the returns can be limited.

Developing a social circle takes effort, but it can be a more fruitful approach for dating. While cold approaches are less common, social interactions can lead to more natural and comfortable connections.

Finding a meaningful relationship takes time and effort. Don’t be discouraged if you don’t find the perfect person right away. 

[Measure]

There has already been a lot of good advice given so I won't rehash that.  However I read a couple things that "might" be a problem for you if you are looking for companionship.

I don't know how many long term relationships you have been in but the fact you have been single for so long and never been married at our age (I'm 56 myself) means you "might" be very stuck in your ways.  This "could" be a problem just meeting someone else you can put up with.  I'm not suggesting that's the case, nor am I suggesting you be with someone you aren't compatible with, but what I am saying is you might want to do some self reflection and make sure you aren't putting road blocks up.  

Also, if you are desperate to meet someone to spend the rest of your life with, while I'm not suggesting you are, you will put yourself in the wrong situation with the wrong men and while you are spending time and energy on the wrong people you could very well be missing the right people.

Lastly you have to make yourself approachable.  You mentioned you are shy and have problem with eye contact and smiling.  I can tell you that can be a major problem.  I personally will not approach a woman unless I already know she has some interest in me.  Eye contact, smiling, showing interest in what's "going on" in my general vacinity will all get my attention.  

Basically, just have fun, enjoy your life, and be friendly.  You do that and the odds of meeting someone that you end up having a deep connection with will go up dramatically.

[MsJayne]

You have your act together and so you don't "need" a man. Many men find this threatening because they like to feel that they're the protector, like us fragile little women can't survive without them. Confronted with a woman who survives very well without them they feel undermined and so start seeking ways to bring you down, and another relationship goes down the gurgler. I doubt I have to elaborate about how they go from being charming and full of admiration at your independence, to being resentful and taking snide digs at you and engaging in passive-aggressive, (or outright aggressive), behaviour designed to belittle you. I think you probably know that script off by heart. Sadly, successful women do seem to attract misogynistic males, simply because those males think it's their job in life to put women in their place and you represent a huge challenge to them.  You can meet good men through OLD, I did at 56, but I met quite a few unsuitable guys, (and plenty of morons), beforehand and it was truly demoralising, so I agree with @Wiseman2, if you have hobbies and interests that get you out of the house you're more likely to meet someone. A problem for me in that situation was that most of my female friends had kids and grand-kids so were too busy to spend much time socialising and many activities require a wingwoman. Something I also didn't realise for a long time was how threatened other women often feel when there's an attractive single woman around, I never understood why I was so often left off the invite list for social functions. I thought it was because I wasn't a couple and mucked up the seating arrangements, it never occurred to me that other women perceived me as a threat. If you do go the OLD route, I found it helped to use as many filters as I could, (eg: must love animals, must have teeth, etc) and blocked unsuitable people from contacting me. I wish you the very best of luck and hope you meet someone who will know what a catch you are . 

[Hopeful714]

To answer a few questions I am not a care taker.  Live in my own but do have older family members who are still well but living solo with houses/yards etc so I help when I can.  And Oh yea I suffer from the ageism thing quite a bit! No matter what you do you can’t stop the clock nor the changes to your body so sometimes that gets depressing. I sometimes wonder why someone would be interested in me, when they can find  younger. I certainly hope men realize that even though I take care of myself as best as I can, my body is still 57 yrs old! 
 

So if I was to do the OLD what are the best sites? I’m a bit concerned as to the type of guys I’d pull on there because who would be searching for women my age? Lol!  Also I really can’t see myself dating someone much older than myself either. Do I select an age range? What is appropriate or realistic?  Ugh stressed already thinking about having to weed out creeps. Also I’m not on any social media. Never have been. Never felt comfortable putting myself out there and sharing my life on line so not sure I could really do that.

In so far as being set in my ways, i think I am open to new people and experiences but I know I need to move slow, and get to know them slowly. If someone came on too strong and fast and wanted to see me multiple times a week and/or get intimate too quickly it would freak me out. I know that although I may feel an attraction to someone, thats not enough. I need to get to know them in order to see if I even like them as a person and feel comfortable and compatible with them. That is key as in the past I think my biggest mistakes were made by being attracted and then jumping in just to find out later the person wasn’t good for me.or was a complete d-bag! Once I learned the power of saying no and walking away, it completely changed my life and outlook!

 

[basil67]

I'm a woman who is about your age.  When it comes to an age range, what are the ages of people who you generally connect well with?   For me, it would be from about 5 years younger to about 10 years older, so that's what I would set if I were starting again.   Remember, that age is more about someone's attitude rather than number of years on this earth.   Some people are born as old fuddy duddies and others never grow up....but I think most people generally act their age.   

Yes, there will be people who are incompatible with you, but if you start stressing about weeding them out before you've even started, then you'll burn out very quickly.  Yes, it may take a while and a few false starts...or alternately, you could stumble across someone who's good for you fairly early.  

I'm also concerned that you're linking previous poor outcomes with "jumping in".  You realise this is correlation rather than causation?  A great many people (myself included) have jumped in with both feet and found their Mr/Ms Right.   And we've jumped in and found Mr/Ms Wrong.   Not that you have to leap straight into bed with someone...take your time there....but I believe that if you're not feeling enthusiastic about seeing them again at least bi-weekly, it's probably not worth bothering seeing each other.

Wishing you the best of luck.  

Edited April 17, 2023 by basil67

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Hopeful714 said:

 if I was to do the OLD what are the best sites? I’m a bit concerned as to the type of guys I’d pull on there because who would be searching for women my age? 

eHarmony as suggested above and paid apps as I suggested above, may provide more serious daters and more features for screening and criteria. There are also age-group focused apps such as our time? and probably several others. 

However you'll have to get comfortable with yourself and dismiss the notion that "I Don't Want to Belong to Any Club That Will Accept Me as a Member". (Older men)

That means being more realistic about midlife/older men rather than stereotypes and memes about they all want young and hookups.

Plenty of midlife people are single again after divorce, widowhood, etc. In fact many have adult kids by now and feel freer to date and have a second chance at relationships.

So as soon as you can quell some myths about midlife dating, men and "the hookup culture", you'll feel confident and ready willing and able to start dating again.

However, many people enjoy the freedom of being single. Do some soul-searching.

 

 

Edited April 17, 2023 by Wiseman2

[MsJayne]

18 hours ago, Hopeful714 said:

So if I was to do the OLD what are the best sites?

I'd go with RSVP and take the cheapest subscription. It has it's fair share of morons, (I'm talking about the kind of guy who chats away in a polite and friendly fashion and then when he gets your number from you he sends a dick pic as an opener), but so does any date site, including the really expensive ones. The good thing about RSVP is that it's been around a long time and has millions of members, it doesn't make you fill out copious questionnaires, and also you're less likely to encounter scammers who operate on the free sites. 

 

19 hours ago, Hopeful714 said:

I’m a bit concerned as to the type of guys I’d pull on there because who would be searching for women my age?

There are plenty of older men, (50+), out there who actually prefer a woman within their own age range, looking for companionship and life experience in common as part of the relationship package. The type of men you'll attract will depend on your profile, and if you do your profile right you're more likely to pull a 60 year old guy looking for a life partner than you are a 60 year old married guy looking for an affair. If you use the filters and your description of yourself effectively, eg; you could specify that you're not looking for someone who spends every weekend with family, or that you want someone who loves wine and weekends away, or you want someone who keeps fit and has a healthy diet, anything that deters people who have an incompatible lifestyle or differing values, you'll get a better outcome.  There are also plenty of guys on there who treat date sites like a smorgasbord and act accordingly, plenty of married men, plenty of liars, plenty of men who don't bother to read your profile, all of whom are searching for women of any age. 

[Lotsgoingon]

Just smile if you see a guy looking at you and you enjoy looking at him!  Sometimes that's all they want, and that's an invitation (a gentle one) for them to say hi again to you or to approach you. 

Hey yes, I'm old enough to remember Mrs. Robinson and Dustin Hoffman. But come on: drop this self denigrating. You're acting like this is the 1950s or so. This is much more modern time. 

 I don’t want to appear to be a desperate older woman or Mrs. Robinson for those old enough to remember.

Drop that: that's nonsense. You are not a has been and you're not operating from a deficit except if you think so. Depending on your health, you could have 30 years of a good relationship with someone.