JosiePosie Posted November 6, 2005 Posted November 6, 2005 My ex still has me on MSN Messenger which sorta baffles me. We broke up in mid-September as he was making it increasingly difficult to stay under the same roof. He was withdrawn and moody, and the fact that I had family tragedies occurring, didn't make it any better. Throughout our ten month relationship, I was supportive whenever possible. When it was time to reciprocate, he went into a shell and said that he needed time to be alone. Feeling very rejected and devastated, I knew that I couldn't allow myself to be treated that way. It was becoming emotionally and mentally abusive. He emailed me a few days after I left and apologized for putting me through this, that he just needs time to be alone to clear his head, and hopes we can talk and sort it out later. I didn't reply. About three months into the relationship, my ex confessed that he abuses prescription and OTC drugs. I was shocked. I wish he could have divulged this bit of information before we started dating. By then, I was head over heels and decided to stay with him. I told him that I am willing to stay as long as he actively recovered and didn't hide things. He agreed. In August, I found a pharmacy receipt for prescription of pills. My heart sank and I confronted him. He admitted to buying them but later flushed them in the toilet. He said that he felt guilty for even taking cold medication. I gave him the benefit of the doubt. My ex has quite a porn collection. He has tapes, downloads movies, looks up porn actresses on the internet. One day, I wanted to watch one of my movies and took out a tape from the VCR. Yep, it was porn. I was shocked. I later asked him about it. He became embarassed. I asked if there was something that I wasn't doing for him, he replied that he was very attracted to me. Not wanting to show my insecurity over it, I dropped the subject. I can understand having a few movies, but not acquiring a large collection of it. It always disturbed me and found it degrading. I took my ex's word about needing time to be by himself because I needed it too. We both have profiles on the internet and I looked up his. I saw that he changed his to "single" and that he was interested in meeting someone. That blew my mind. I didn't think he would readily start searching dating profiles as soon as I was gone. I can't even bring myself to look at any dating websites right now. Aside from those issues, we both have alot of common and devoted to our culture and spirituality. He started making me a gift before we broke up. He msg'd me the other night saying that it is ready and how can he get it to me? I replied that he should give it to a family member and which he replied that he didn't want to, that he made it specifically for me and that he put alot of work into it. I emailed him the other night stressing again that he should give the gift to a family member, and that I get the feeling he wants to keep it for me so it can make himself feel better. I also wrote in the email that it was hard leaving him but I had to because it was becoming abusive. And that I am aware that he has gone back to his pill habit (when I moved out the rest of my things..I found bottles), if he wanted to get out of the relationship to date others..he should have told me rather doing the "I need space" bit..and seeing that hurt alot, I cannot condone his porn habit, and that I don't see us becoming friends after being disrespected and mistreated. Not for awhile. I was talking to a friend of mine tonight. She said that it is probably scary for him to know that he can't hide from me. That I am able to see through his facade. And that probably why he is looking for someone new, is to make himself feel better and that he may be able to fool the next girl. I can understand that, knowing that you can't fool someone can be scary. I just don't understand why he hasn't take me off his MSN Messenger. To be honest, it would hurt because I am still emotionally attached. But I figured he would have run and hid after my email. I still have very strong feelings for him but know that we have too many issues to deal with, and do I really want that? It is a process I am going through right now. What do you think? Can he be trying to play games by keeping me on his list? Or maybe he is not ready to let go despite of my email? Let me know.
In Sync Posted November 6, 2005 Posted November 6, 2005 JosiePosie If what you've written is true..then I say to you sincerely walk away from this relationship. Let it go. His addiction to porn and drugs are not little things one overlooks. These are his problems and you are not going to cure him of it. By allowing him to be a part of your life and it sounds abusive, you will become dependant on him. Right now you are at a delicate point. You are still in love with him yet you know his habits are in violation of your own spirituality. You cannot save him...he must clean up his own act. The giving of a gift is a ploy to get you to forgive his actions (to which he will probably go back to behind your back) and temporarily you feel appeased. Until another shocking discovery happens. You will be giving him a green light to continue as he is already doing. But in the meanwhile each day you are living with doubt and apprehension and confusing that with being in love. It's not love, it's abuse. Why are you inviting this kind of toxic relationship in your life? Believe in yourself and rely on your faith...walk away from this dark side of this person who will try like hell to keep you in his life only to brieng you unhappiness.
Author JosiePosie Posted November 6, 2005 Author Posted November 6, 2005 It is sad to see how happy and optimistic we were when we started dating. It was like everything fell into place. It would have been our one-year anniversary this weekend. I wrote in the email that if he wants to date others, he has that right, but I rather not see or know right now, and I am not going to allow my feelings to be played with. I spoke to some counsellors and they said that he knew he didn't deserve you, because he would have to step to the plate, and he knew he couldn't. So he sabotaged a good relationship. Everyday I pray to let go of this and it is like he doesn't want to leave me alone.
westernxer Posted November 6, 2005 Posted November 6, 2005 Stop worrying about his intentions. Just block him from MSN and move on. He's probably looking to score more drugs and porn.
Author JosiePosie Posted November 8, 2005 Author Posted November 8, 2005 Well I just finished uninstalling MSN Messenger (it's too tempting to see if he is online or not, so I rather not have it on my comp for a bit), got rid of all the emails he sent me, got rid of all the files and pictures I had of him, us, and his family. My next step is cleaning out all my chat logs (they have been saved for up to a year). I know the person who has to change the most in this situation is ME. I am carrying alot of feelings of animosity towards him. And I know I want to get to the point of acceptance and forgiveness. I have the various stages of grief that I need to get through before I get to that point. So the less reminders of him around the better. This is not easy as I am a sentimental, kind-hearted type. Letting go is like a drug. There are days when I feel like I am going to go crazy with wanting to see or talk to him. Or from our memories. But I have been really relying on my faith and friends to help me through this. I pray every night that I can look at him and the relationship with "new eyes".
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