suckered Posted April 15, 2023 Posted April 15, 2023 So I have been seeing someone for 6 months or so. He seems to have nearly only female friends and talks to them all the time. He is across every social media platform and interacts with them on there constantly. For example, a female friend would post a selfie and he is always the first to like/love/wow it. Every single post a female friend posts, he likes it and starts commenting. He also texts with them all day long, joking around. He does have a few male friends but he never likes/comments on their posts or photos. There is one girl in particular that is very attractive and has recently become single that seems to constantly text him and they are also liking/posting on each other's social media platforms every few hours. I did meet them a few times in a group setting and in person they all seem OK except the recently single one who is constantly touching him. Like she would want to say goodbye and would give him a long hug and then and she is walking away she would run back to give him a second hug. I just feel uneasy. They have all been friends for 10+ years so it's unlikely that I can change this dynamic. Am I over-reacting?
ExpatInItaly Posted April 15, 2023 Posted April 15, 2023 He seems to enjoy their attention. I personally would not date someone who I felt I needed to monitor this closely. It would suggest to me that we are not a match.
Measure Posted April 15, 2023 Posted April 15, 2023 The only thing you mentioned is you "feel uneasy". Then you asked if you are overreacting. If thats what you are asking about then no, the simple fact that you "feel uneasy" is not overreacting. However, how you "react" to that feeling will determine whether or not you are "overreacting". If you want a guys perspective, especially from someone that always had a lot of female friends, while I can't speak on the social media aspect since I don't like/do social media, I can tell you that respect and honesty is the key. I always told a "new" relationship about my female friends. *if* she asked me if I had slept with them I would tell her the truth. I would promise I would not sleep with any of my female friends or make any new female "friendships" while i was with her. Everyone that knows me knows i dont break promises. If she's cool with that great. If not, no hard feelings. Totally her choice. The whole touchy feely thing you mentioned though is completely disrespectful. Whatever woman I am "with" is the Queen. Allowing another woman to get touchy feely with me is distespectful to her. If people don't respect the woman I choose to be with how can they respect me? I do not respect a man who is with a woman he allows to be disrespected. Do you, as a woman, respect another woman with a man nobody respects?
Wiseman2 Posted April 15, 2023 Posted April 15, 2023 (edited) 4 hours ago, suckered said: .He is across every social media platform and interacts with them on there constantly. He also texts with them all day long, How did you meet? How is your relationship in general? Are you dating exclusively? How much quality time do you spend together? Does he put down the phone when you're together? Does he work, go to school? Have any interests or hobbies? How does he find the time to be on social media and chitchatting all day everyday with these friends? Does he keep this collection of women around to avoid real relationships? Unfortunately he seems too busy (wasting time) to date. Step back and reflect on how you feel. Does he have a life outside of social media reactions? He seems like a very bored and boring individual, if his face is in his phone 24/7. Edited April 15, 2023 by Wiseman2 1
Wiseman2 Posted April 15, 2023 Posted April 15, 2023 4 hours ago, suckered said: So I have been seeing someone for 6 months or so. What is the nature of the relationship? Are you considering getting on dating apps to get away from this situationship?
Author suckered Posted April 15, 2023 Author Posted April 15, 2023 1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said: What is the nature of the relationship? Are you considering getting on dating apps to get away from this situationship? We are dating exclusively. I am not happy due to friends issues - it's constantly making me feel stressed. I don't see there is much point in talking about it as it's so early in the relationship that he will just see me as controlling and he has had these friends in his life for over a decade. I think it's just a clash of values. I never felt a need for many male friends, and few times that I had them, there was always some weird, flirty dynamic. Yes, I am considering other options for meeting men when I get the courage to end this.
basil67 Posted April 15, 2023 Posted April 15, 2023 Definitely too early to talk about it! This is who he is, so you either accept it or move on 2
Gaeta Posted April 15, 2023 Posted April 15, 2023 Whether it's female or male friends l would not date a man that is constantly online. Is this something you realized early when you met him? The 'hands all over him' would make me uneasy as well, l would probably tell her to get herself her own boyfriend BUT the real problem is your boyfriend who lets women walk all over *your* territory. I agree with @Measureit's a lack of respect toward you and your relationship. Mature men don't do that...but boys do.
Wiseman2 Posted April 15, 2023 Posted April 15, 2023 (edited) 1 hour ago, suckered said: . I think it's just a clash of values. I am considering other options for meeting men when I get the courage to end this. That's a great start. You've identified some deal breakers, incompatibilities and unhappiness with this situation. Agree it's better to cut your losses than continue to be miserable. Every moment you spend in confusion and frustration, is a moment better spend finding someone more in line with your values. Edited April 15, 2023 by Wiseman2
Calmandfocused Posted April 15, 2023 Posted April 15, 2023 Boundary issues going on here big time. However I thinking you’re missing the wider issue here. It is very disrespectful to be constantly talking online to friends whilst you’re with your date. Im envisioning a guy who’s constantly on his phone whilst out on dates with you. His attention diverted anywhere else except towards you. Am I right? Don’t you think that’s somewhat inappropriate and unfair to you? I’d be highly offended personally. Back to the boundary issues: Your guy clearly has no relationship boundaries. Maybe his intentions towards his friends is not sexual however his lack of boundaries with them is very disrespectful to your relationship. This thread reminds me of the US programme about being in love with a “mama’s boy” ( men who have no boundaries in their relationships with their mothers) … I nearly threw up. All relationships need boundaries. I’m afraid your guy doesn’t understand this. At his age is unlikely to change I’m sorry to say. 1
Weezy1973 Posted April 15, 2023 Posted April 15, 2023 To me it’s a big deal that they’ve been friends for over a decade. When I was in high school and through most of my 20s I had a lot of friends - both men and women. We weren’t a huggy, touchy-feely groups of friends, but different friendship groups might be. Question - if the woman hugging your guy wasn’t attractive, would it still bother you? It could be perfectly innocent, but really hard to say without knowing their dynamic. Has this changed since she was recently single? I agree that you shouldn’t ask him to change - these are long time friends and his activity on social media is who he is. If you don’t like it, you need to dump him.
Stret Posted April 15, 2023 Posted April 15, 2023 These dynamics will never change. Don't go there if it bothers you and I can see it does. He clearly has different boundaries and to have someone change them for you is nearly impossible long term.
Lotsgoingon Posted April 15, 2023 Posted April 15, 2023 I have a good number of close women friends. I do not text them and post to their social media all day long. I would consider that a waste of my time. The only question is whether you feel comfortable with the way he interacts with his friends. That's it. Doesn't matter whether we would consider it an over-reaction of not. I would HATE to be with someone who texts friends like this. Question #1 in relationship (in evaluating things). Do I feel safe and secure with this person? This is emotionally safe and emotionally secure and prioritized and so on. I wouldn't feel safe if I were in your position. There is a part of me that also thinks he wastes a lot of time. If he is posting to their social media pages all day, how can he meet his life goals? Definite red flag to me. How could you NOT be bothered by this? So back to your question. No, you are not over-reacting--if anything you are under-reacting.
Alpacalia Posted April 15, 2023 Posted April 15, 2023 Is it unbalanced with the amount of male friends he has? How are these female friends present in his life? Are they going to be a distraction if you need him for emotional support or a practical emergency if you’re in a relationship? If he's that guy that everyone runs to for help, it's a problem. Notice his level of involvement in these friendships; are they the type he talks to all day, likes their pictures on social media, or drinks with them without you around? Are any of them exes or people he’s hooked up with or girls who keep chasing him? These emeshments can be considered emotional cheating if he’s in a relationship with you. A disproportionate amount of friends of the opposite sex can be a red flag. Keep an eye on the situation and consider if he needs all this female attention and energy in his life. It doesn’t have to do with “trusting” anyone, but he may not be able to maintain a relationship because of the complicated variables and distractions.
ShyViolet Posted April 15, 2023 Posted April 15, 2023 A lot of people wouldn't be ok with this. I don't blame you. It sounds like he is a flirtatious guy who enjoys attention from girls. You are in no position to change this or to ask him to stop doing any of this. It's not going to happen. So if it makes you uncomfortable then you need to not go any further with this guy. You are not on the same page and not compatible.
MsJayne Posted April 15, 2023 Posted April 15, 2023 15 hours ago, suckered said: Like she would want to say goodbye and would give him a long hug and then and she is walking away she would run back to give him a second hug. I just feel uneasy. How do you refrain from throwing up in the face of this nauseatingly saccharine behaviour? And then there's the social media thing. Sounds like he's just desperate for as much attention as he can get, and that would bother me. Just the fact that he's always the first to like everyone's posts would be a big enough warning to me that there's something not quite right. Sorry for the sexist comment, but any 'man' who spends this much time on social media is really just a teenage girl in a man's body. 1
mtnbiker3000 Posted April 15, 2023 Posted April 15, 2023 Another reason why I can't stand social media and those who addicted to it! How old is he/you?
JTSW Posted April 17, 2023 Posted April 17, 2023 I wouldn't feel comfortable with it either. Maybe you can gently express you feelings and see what he says. If he doesn't care then you know where you stand.
smackie9 Posted April 19, 2023 Posted April 19, 2023 Sorry but you can't sit around and hope that they will be so in love with you they will dump every female they know just to make you happy. It's common sense to date those who fulfill your expectations. Obviously this is a deal breaker for you. You are not right for each other. 1
mortensorchid Posted April 22, 2023 Posted April 22, 2023 I am in the same boat as he is : I have mostly guy friends and I am a woman. Why? Well quite honestly I don't do that well with women as friends because they tend to be rather jealous of me. Then again, that is women's nature I think that they are jealous and mistrusting of others. I actually had a former woman friend say that she wouldn't friend me on Facebook because that would take away from her chances of meeting men. Nevermind the fact that she was living on the West Coast at the time and I am in the Midwest. I am more careful with people because of blunders I have made and also seeing people having their own agendas about things in life. I keep things like this to myself and slowly introduce others to my friends rather than all at once. And my online presence is more subdued, keeps people guessing. As for him? Don't worry about it so much. Trust him and it will be okay. 1
stillafool Posted April 22, 2023 Posted April 22, 2023 I once dated a guy with a lot of female friends. I became friends with them too and 2 of the friends ended up becoming my best friends to this day. None of the women acted as if they were jealous of my presence and most of them had their own boyfriends who would join in also. It worked for me. 3
Gaeta Posted April 22, 2023 Posted April 22, 2023 It's not so much about having friends of opposite sex, it's all about how you handle yourself. I have long time male friends, my bf has long time female friends and there are no blurred lines, we are both relationship oriented and we know where our places are as bf/gf. 1
Alpacalia Posted April 22, 2023 Posted April 22, 2023 I have mostly female friends. A couple male friends (one from childhood, and one for 15+ years). It would be a little unusual to me but it probably wouldn't bother me as long as those women don't cross any boundaries and understand that our relationship is none of their business.
flow28 Posted April 25, 2023 Posted April 25, 2023 No, you're not overreacting. You've been dating him for 6 months and he's doing this. Why haven't you dumped him yet? He's a womanizer. I wouldn't consider dating a guy like this, it's just too much of a hassle because you will constantly question everything, you will constantly be wondering what he's doing and with whom. Get rid of him or tell him he has to stop contact with these girls if he wants to be with you. He cannot have his cake and eat it too.
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