tgrace Posted November 6, 2005 Posted November 6, 2005 I dated a man for 5 months, then lived with him for 5 months, then he moved 300 miles away (this was known from the beginning) and I wasn't in a position to move with him. We tried having a long distance relationship but then he ended our relationship by telling me he thought he was in love with me but really wasn't. Long story short, we talked a lot and remained friends. We still get together about once a month for sex. It's been understood that it was just two people having sex and two friends getting together to hang out, nothing more. Keep in mind, he's one to call everyday, talk about how his life is going, ask about my life, etc. Three weeks ago we were chatting online and I mentioned that I was going to be unavailable as often as he's used to. He flips out and starts telling me how he has realized for about 6 months now that he still has feelings for me. That he can't picture his life without me in it. And, that he'd like to have me as a girlfriend again. But, that he wants to move slow this time around because of how fast we proceeded last time. He said he would feel better if we were girlfriend and boyfriend again so that he wouldn't risk losing me to someone else while he's trying to figure out the depth of his feelings for me. All of this seemed fine and I thought on it for about a week and included a visit to see him in this time frame. He was acting more emotional toward me than I had been used to and it was nice. So, I told him I was willing to try again, as slow as he wanted, etc. The day after that, I found out he has been conversing with one of his other ex-girlfriends and has been having dialogue about getting to know each other again and how he thinks of her all the time, etc. I was devastated and immediately retracted my agreement to trying a relationship again. My question is, why would he pursue a stronger commitment from me if he's actively pursing a rekindling with someone else? I have figured he wanted to move "slow" with me in case there is something rekindled with this other woman and then he can just tell me his feelings were wrong toward me, etc. But, I just don't understand why this man would lead me on to this level when he had nothing to gain from it in the first place. And, he seemed very confused and upset that I didn't want to be his girlfriend again (I didn't tell him about knowing about the other woman). So, could someone explain to me why a man would do this behavior and, (I'm sure I already know the answer) did I move to hastily with this information or should I have stuck it out for a little while to see how it progressed?
Sami_D Posted November 6, 2005 Posted November 6, 2005 Why would a man lie to two women about exclusivity and possible futures (if that's what they need to believe in order to keep seeing and sleeping with him)? Because he likes sleeping with both of you without any real commitment to either of you? Remember, he didn't pursue a stronger commitment from you until you said you weren't going to be available to him any longer. His motivation wasn't to have a 'real relationship' with you... his motivation was to keep you exactly where you were.
Author tgrace Posted November 6, 2005 Author Posted November 6, 2005 Thanks Sami, you're right. He hasn't slept with her yet, but I'm sure he wouldn't turn her down if the opportunity presented itself.
Author tgrace Posted November 6, 2005 Author Posted November 6, 2005 Also, from what I know, she has no idea he's still in contact with me. And, as far as she knows, he's just trying to see if there is "still something there" from when they were a couple years ago. It's like the 'newness' of starting a new relationship. I actually feel as sorry for her as I do myself.
whichwayisup Posted November 6, 2005 Posted November 6, 2005 Seems he can't decide who he wants to be with one on one, so he's playing the field. That isn't fair to you or her, but it's what he's doing. Up to you if you want to stick around have some fun (don't let yourself fall for him) or just end it and walk away unharmed.
Author tgrace Posted November 6, 2005 Author Posted November 6, 2005 That's where I'm stuck (well, every day is different emotionally). He and I have an awesome time when we're together - on a multitude of levels. I've been doing the "just have fun" thing for a year now and it's fine but I also like the feeling I felt when we were talking about resuming a relationship. But, I can't set myself up to get hurt either. Now I guess it's a matter of whether I can go back mentally to "just having fun" without thinking about all that I've felt the past couple of weeks. That's going to be the key to where it goes from here.
Sami_D Posted November 6, 2005 Posted November 6, 2005 tgrace, have you told him you know about the other girlfriend? If so, what did he say about what he's been up to? What do you think about that? Are you wondering about getting hurt in general in relationships, or is it because he's been seeing this other girl and hasn't told you about it and you're wondering if he's not 'a cheater' and you're lining yourself up for future problems if you get involved with him in particular?
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