nadz02 Posted November 5, 2005 Posted November 5, 2005 WEll if you check my previous post you can actually get a better sense of my situation. So I made my mind up after 5 years and 1 and 1/2 of marriage to finally give up on myself and my cheating husband. I told him he needed to go. He left for a day and came back. He admited he cheated after a long session of trying to convince him that the least that I expected from him was to honestly tell me the truth; becuase I fealt I am owe the truth from his mouth. I then had the courage to call an attorney to start a divorce case. I informed him that I really want to move on and get divorce. He says he is not ready to give up on us, and try to change his story about the truth of his cheating. I think he hasnt really seen me this serious about moving out that he is so scare an nervous. He is making it really hard for me by not been able to completely leave. I am scare to become weak and let past an opportunity to completely move on while having this strenght that I never experience before. I beleive than deep inside neither of us realy want to get divorce , but at the same time our love for each other it is not enough to work things out after so much pain. Please give me some feed back.
LoveMovedOut Posted November 5, 2005 Posted November 5, 2005 "I beleive than deep inside neither of us realy want to get divorce" I'm in a different situation. Wife moved out. No cheating (at least that I'm aware of or believe even possible). If you don't want a divorce, then don't do it. I can't even imagine the pain with a cheating spouse, but if you still care and love the other, then fight for it. Work on it. Go to counseling; I recommend that you both at least try that. You made a vow to God, for better or worse. Too many people just give up these days. There are exceptions, but if deep down you don't want it, then work at it. That's my .02 worth. I just wish my spouse was willing to change and fight as hard as I am committed to it. Or at least believed in me.
Candy Posted November 7, 2005 Posted November 7, 2005 You sound like a strong person and very passionate. One thing that comes to mind, what is his serious problem? Sexual addiction? I think when you love somebody you don't cheat. I also find it strange that every time he cheated you knew and still stayed. Was he cheating when you were pregnant? I know it may be hard to let go, but it could be for the best. I don't mean to criticize you, but your reaction as well as reasons to stay with this person do not seam to be justified. We show love by the things we do, not by what we say. If he says that he loves you, but he repeatedly is making the same mistakes there is a little doubt in my mind that he would stop. Stay strong and do what you need to for yourself, not for him.
Leilao1 Posted November 8, 2005 Posted November 8, 2005 I red your first post as well.One can give a second chance, but five chances or more? There is no hapiness in such a marriage and a child cannot trive, it's simple not healthy. I do not think that you are good for each other. I am not sure what your previous relationships pattern was and what is his "problem" that you are talking about, but based on the information that you gave me your marriage as well as your relationship with this man is unhealty from the get go. You are playing a role of saviour and he is playing a role of victim. This is a classic case of unheatly, obsessive relationship. This takes a lot of work and dedication and I am not sure what is the best. If I were you I would move on because 6 1/2 years is long enough to realize that things cannot get much better. Is it really love you must ask yourself. I know it's hard to move on and feel sorry for you, perhaps your financial situation or anything else makes it even harder to just take off, but your child should not be the reason to stay together. Sometimes people become much better parents when away from each other.
jef11399 Posted November 11, 2005 Posted November 11, 2005 I have been in unhealthy relationships – not because I was in love with the person, but because I was afraid to let go or in love with the fact of being in love. I’ve had friends who have been cheated on or they’ve done the cheating. No side was better than the other. This dynamic only wreaked havoc, mistrust, guilt, and definitely a lot of heartache. Although there are no excuses to cheating, there are underlying reasons why people do stray. Some people do feel genuine remorse and are successfully able to move past the mistake, which have allowed couples to strength their relationship. In such a case, this would be a blessing in disguise. I don’t feel a first time cheater is necessary a bad person. People do make mistakes, however, if he is habitually being unfaithful to you then it’s time for a reality check about …what you want …what you will tolerate …what you feel you deserve …what your worth. I’m afraid that you are only allowing this person to devalue you. That is not love. Not only that; what he is doing is putting your health/life at risk for STD even AIDS. In my opinion you deserve much better than that what you’re settling for (I sense that you are pondering this already). He must make the effort to change and commit to that. I must warn you though - third, forth, fifth, chances are a waste of your time and energy; which only prolongs your agony. What will you do when he tires of you? I realize your decision is difficult, but by your actions you are taking control of your life. This is not love sweetie, this fear of the unknown and/or codependency. Take care of yourself, lovingly, and confidently. I promise - it will benefit YOU in the long run. Don’t be afraid to take care of yourself and your child. By doing this you are making a commitment to love and respect yourself. And that my friend, is a powerful statement to you and your spouse. If you’re unsure how to begin this journey contact a loyal friend, clergyman, a pastor, a priest, or even a support group. Best to you as you stand in the crossroad of your dilemma. I hope to see you in future post sharing your accomplishments, and possibly some encouragements to future members.
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