IrinaM Posted April 14, 2023 Posted April 14, 2023 it's really more the walk in the park that would have me cancel or reschedule. don't be alone with him. if he can't meet you at a cafe or restaurant, then cancel.
basil67 Posted April 14, 2023 Posted April 14, 2023 I reckon this is one of those times when a good comeback would have been terrific and now you're caught up in the "I wish I'd said" area. Story of my life! To have replied with "Ah, well, I'm a jeans and Tshirt kind of gal" would have been a great response, but as always, the best responses are often too late. Sorry that I have no answer. I just wanted to join you in the 'I wish I'd said' thoughts afterwards 1
JTSW Posted April 14, 2023 Posted April 14, 2023 So my take on this is that he wasn't 'telling' you what to wear. He's hinting at what he would like to see you wearing. His comment concerns me though considering your date is a walk in the park. It doesn't sound safe. The fact that he is also considerably older than you also concerns me. What exactly do you know about him?
Gaeta Posted April 14, 2023 Posted April 14, 2023 I've been to 10s of first dates in a park. I doubt they were heading to a national park. City parks are always full of people with a 360 degree open view.
Author Marka Posted April 14, 2023 Author Posted April 14, 2023 Yes, I live in the UK and we are going to a park in a city center, which is full of the people. The idea was his, mainly because of weather improving. I didn't mind to catch a bit of fresh air having to spend working week in an office. 2 hours ago, JTSW said: What exactly do you know about him? I don't know much about him, except that he is English and not that long ago returned from Singapore where he lived and worked for several years. Maybe it is okay to make such suggestions in Asia, not sure. I decided to give him a benefit of doubt but messaged that I would actually prefer a date in coffee shop. I have to head to city center anyway for some shopping, so spending an hour resting my feet in a coffeeshop would be a nice addition. It is more formal and safer as you never know if what people say about themselves on app is true.
Author Marka Posted April 14, 2023 Author Posted April 14, 2023 3 hours ago, basil67 said: Ah, well, I'm a jeans and Tshirt kind of gal" I am not really Tshirt kinda girl, though I do love casual wear but I also love dressing up, including dresses, but on proper occasions only. Like work event, or going to opera, or high end restaurant or bar. It is just him telling/suggesting what to wear and how it was phrased doesn't feel right for me. I want to meet a man who will treat me as his equal not like an arm candy and he didn't sound like that type of man. But as it was just a single phrase, I will see how he behaves and talks in person.
Alpacalia Posted April 14, 2023 Posted April 14, 2023 (edited) Maybe you've had some bad experiences in the past. If that's the case, then it's best not to go on this date since if you're uncomfortable with it, it's unlikely to work out. Those alarmies are there for a good reason. It might be better to focus your energy on finding someone you feel comfortable with. That way, you can make sure that your date will be a positive experience. I haven't been suggested attire on a date nor have had a first date suggestion in the park so I can see why you might be a bit uneasy. FWIW, I've had initial doubts about a few first dates and they turned out to be lovely. So perhaps my perception is a bit skewed in that regard. If you do decide to go on the first date why not suggest meeting him at a public place like a coffee shop since that's what you prefer? Meeting in a public place is a good way to be safe and it is also a neutral spot which puts both of you at ease since it's not too personal. It also gives you the opportunity to talk to each other in an open environment to get to know each other better. Edited April 14, 2023 by Alpacalia
BaileyB Posted April 14, 2023 Posted April 14, 2023 (edited) 51 minutes ago, Marka said: It is just him telling/suggesting what to wear and how it was phrased doesn't feel right for me. Either he made an attempt to flirt with you that fell really flat, or he is a creep. Unfortunately, you don’t know enough about him to know which it is… It’s just coffee - go meet him and get a feel for the guy in person. You will get your answer. Edited April 14, 2023 by BaileyB 2
Gaeta Posted April 14, 2023 Posted April 14, 2023 1 hour ago, Marka said: Maybe it is okay to make such suggestions in Asia, not sure. I've been working for years with Asian people and they are more on the conservative side but maybe some of our Asian members will punch in on that aspect. First impression is everything, he knows that in his 40s. You also have to consider the big picture here, was he ever married, how long he's been single, does he seem to have a string of short relationships, etc. My bet is he will attempt more comments like these during your date. Please give us an update!
Els Posted April 14, 2023 Posted April 14, 2023 1 hour ago, Marka said: I don't know much about him, except that he is English and not that long ago returned from Singapore where he lived and worked for several years. Maybe it is okay to make such suggestions in Asia, not sure. Erm, this sort of behaviour would be even more faux pas in Singapore, lol. If they were already a couple, maybe - to a person whom you're meeting for a first date, no way. 2
BaileyB Posted April 14, 2023 Posted April 14, 2023 Well, there are some men who think this kind of thing is a compliment for a woman. If that is the case, you can expect more comments that would be similar. There are other men who are more socially inept. They may lack the ability to consider how this kind of comment would be perceived by a woman. That said, I don’t know a soul on this Earth who hasn’t said something that they wish they could take back as soon as the words come out of our mouths… something that we thought would be ok that caused offence - If this is literally the only thing that has concerned you, I would still meet the man. Give him the benefit of the doubt - as I said above, all will be revealed in time.
Author Marka Posted April 14, 2023 Author Posted April 14, 2023 (edited) I don't know but I am leaning more toward creep now. I messaged him yesterday evening and he sent me a message in the morning like it is nice to start a day looking at your beautiful smile. it weirded me out. We exchanged several messages during the week, he also mentioned in the beginning of conversation and several times that he just bought himself a place in the center of the city, maybe it is his way to attract women? But this is not something that would attract me, quite opposite, besides I own my place for couple of years already and I have a good career and education, I don't need a man to buy me things. Maybe he is not a creep but it doesn't look like we are compatible at all! He has never been married, no kids, not sure about string of short term relationships, he said he was single for past few years, which i thought is fair enough as it was covid times Edited April 14, 2023 by Marka
BaileyB Posted April 14, 2023 Posted April 14, 2023 14 minutes ago, Marka said: he also mentioned in the beginning of conversation and several times that he just bought himself a place in the center of the city, maybe it is his way to attract women? Ok, you are making assumptions here… This is just a statement of fact, he’s sharing information about himself and you’ve taken what should be a neutral statement and turned it into a reason not to date this man. If it is his attempt to impress or attract a woman, it’s not unreasonable. Most women would be attracted to a man who owns his own home these days - whether that is in the centre of the city or not. Regardless, it’s clear that you are not feeling it so I have changed my advice - cancel the date. Save yourself, and save this man, the time and the trouble. 17 minutes ago, Marka said: I messaged him yesterday evening and he sent me a message in the morning like it is nice to start a day looking at your beautiful smile. This, I would say is much more concerning than telling you that he just bought a place in the city. It’s overly familiar and inappropriate considering that you have yet to actually meet this man. Socially inept. Yes. Creepy - yes, because you are not dating this man yet and this is the comment of a man who is dating and in love with a woman… 3
Gaeta Posted April 14, 2023 Posted April 14, 2023 @Marka Does he show any interest for other things than your exterior? Is he interested in seeking your opinion on current events, is he interested in your work, your family, what you like doing with your free time, etc? This is a man 10 years older than you, he sounds like he's looking for an arm-candy. Trust your gut, female instinct is usually right on spot. You can still go meet over a coffee, he'll probably drool over you and it will confirm what your gut had already told you.
ShyViolet Posted April 14, 2023 Posted April 14, 2023 44 minutes ago, Marka said: I don't know but I am leaning more toward creep now. I messaged him yesterday evening and he sent me a message in the morning like it is nice to start a day looking at your beautiful smile. Ok I am leaning more towards creep now also. This is not really an appropriate thing to say to a woman before he's even met you in person. It's a bit much.
Alpacalia Posted April 14, 2023 Posted April 14, 2023 (edited) 51 minutes ago, Marka said: We exchanged several messages during the week, he also mentioned in the beginning of conversation and several times that he just bought himself a place in the center of the city, maybe it is his way to attract women? Is the park that he chose close to where he lives? He may have chosen the park because of its proximity to his home, which would make it easy to get to and a convenient place to spend time. Not a good sign. Edited April 14, 2023 by Alpacalia
NuevoYorko Posted April 14, 2023 Posted April 14, 2023 The dress and "your beautiful smile" comments are more like things a man might say to a woman he's dating, but not to someone he has yet to meet. 2
Author Marka Posted April 14, 2023 Author Posted April 14, 2023 Just now, Alpacalia said: Is the park that he chose close to where he lives? No, he asked where it will be convenient for meet to meet him, i suggested the area/park that is close to shopping street. I mean as he is in city center wouldnt be too far for him, maybe 20-30 mins but it is not like he selected a place to meet next to his place.
Author Marka Posted April 14, 2023 Author Posted April 14, 2023 2 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said: The dress and "your beautiful smile" comments are more like things a man might say to a woman he's dating, but not to someone he has yet to meet. yes, in my understanding as well. It just feels so unnatural. I am just not sure if this guy is socially inept or predator
NuevoYorko Posted April 14, 2023 Posted April 14, 2023 3 minutes ago, Marka said: yes, in my understanding as well. It just feels so unnatural. I am just not sure if this guy is socially inept or predator What about him is encouraging you to meet? Seems like your general feelings are not leaning in a positive direction.
Author Marka Posted April 14, 2023 Author Posted April 14, 2023 16 minutes ago, Gaeta said: oes he show any interest for other things than your exterior? Is he interested in seeking your opinion on current events, is he interested in your work, your family, what you like doing with your free time, etc? I actually re-read our conversation now. He started with how beautiful my pics are and what nice profile i have. But then he asked question if i am looking for ltr/family, what do I do for work, chatted a bit about my hobbies and travel/holidays. It seems that he doesn't have many hobbies/friends and more on homebody side. But then again he is recently back and might to have much friends to go out with.
Author Marka Posted April 14, 2023 Author Posted April 14, 2023 (edited) 5 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said: What about him is encouraging you to meet? Seems like your general feelings are not leaning in a positive direction. you are right, not really positive. As for what encouraging me, is my curiosity about the guy, how will he behave in real life, and to chek if my gut was right. I am not loosing anything except of 30mins of my time if he turns out to be a creep. His messages on app seem to be quite thoughtful, aside from these weird compliments/remarks Edited April 14, 2023 by Marka
Alpacalia Posted April 14, 2023 Posted April 14, 2023 5 minutes ago, Marka said: yes, in my understanding as well. It just feels so unnatural. I am just not sure if this guy is socially inept or predator You shouldn't bother with him if you believe he is socially inept or a predator. I don't think you two are looking for the same thing to be honest. It sounds like he's kind of intense. That's not the kind of thing you can work out and compromise. "You're coming on to strong." Done.
NuevoYorko Posted April 14, 2023 Posted April 14, 2023 2 minutes ago, Marka said: you are right, not really positive. As for what encouraging me, is my curiosity about the guy, how will he behave in real life, and to chek if my gut was right. I am not loosing anything except of 30mins of my time if he turns out to be a creep. I see. I met people plenty of times out of a basic curiosity without high expectations. Nothing wrong with going ahead.
Weezy1973 Posted April 14, 2023 Posted April 14, 2023 1 hour ago, Marka said: Maybe he is not a creep but it doesn't look like we are compatible at all! Yup, that’s my guess. Some women would feel charmed and flirty with his comments, and some women wouldn’t. Let him date the kind of women that like that kind of stuff. I don’t think it makes him creepy, just different from you.
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