Am I overreacting? Guy tells me what to wear on a date

[Marka]

Matched with a man on one of the dating apps, and we agreed a first date for weekend. Nothing special just a walk in a park as weather is supposed to be nice. 

Then he sends me a message: This weekend is going to be warm and sunny so you will have a good excuse to wear one of your cute summer dresses for our date.

I completely do not like the sound of it. Does it really sounds controlling or I am overreacting?

Not really keen to go on a date now..

[Versacehottie]

I think he's trying to flirt with you even if it came off awkwardly to you and it's too early to say if it's controlling, creepy or just sweet. You don't have to wear what he says, be confident in who you are and your choices. I wouldn't recommend dissecting this to death.  You will find stuff that will back up whichever opinion you want to have. 

I'd go with the "most common explanation" for this kind of statement: it was a perhaps poorly executed attempt to flirt or be a little flirtatious. Also a common explanation is if you have talked to him about a love of clothes, he actually might have been wanting to connect with you and re-mention something you've mentioned to him. 

Is it  a little corny and come off a little hard up for some physical action or eye candy? yes...I think you should still go but wear whatever you want. If he mentioned it again before the date, that would be annoying and desperate of him and then I'd probably say you'd be off of him anyway so don't go.

[ExpatInItaly]

You’re overreacting. 

He’s just trying to flirt with you. 

[Alpacalia]

I read it as a compliment.

Maybe he is looking forward to the date and is excited to see what you will be wearing?

Show him who's boss by arriving in an outfit that makes you feel confident and stylish!

 

 

[Lotsgoingon]

Were you wearing one of those "cute summer dresses" in a photo from your dating profile?

If so, I would agree with the others that he is likely just trying to flirt. He's telling you that you looked great in the photo. Definitely a little heavy-handed and not the most socially smooth sentence. So you'd still have to keep an open ear to make sure you rule out creepiness after you meet with him, but I wouldn't be alarmed for now. 

If, on the other hand, he just made this up clothing request out of his head and fantasies for you  (not based on seeing a photo of you looking great in a summer dress), then I see the suggestion as creepy and controlling. And I'd recommend you cancel. 

 

 

 

Edited April 13, 2023 by Lotsgoingon

[smackie9]

It's all about personal perception. I myself wouldn't like a comment like that.  

[Marka]

Thank you for replies. No, we didn't talk about clothes or shopping (I am not a big fan of shopping/brands, I prefer to spend money on travel and activities). My profile is mainly photos from my travel (shirts, jeans, t-shorts) or my hobbies. I have only one photo with dress and blazer in the theatre (it is also one of my main interest). He is also quite older than me, like 10years or so, not sure if it is relates. I was definitely not going to wear a dress to a park, was planning jeans and converse or smth else casual and comfy to seat on a grass or bench.

[stillafool]

Unless you were wearing a "cute summer dress" in your photo, his comment is concerning.  He probably likes women in cute summer dresses and wants you to feed his fantasy.  Good that you are wearing jeans and converses.  That sound cute.

Edited April 13, 2023 by stillafool

[Alvi]

1 hour ago, Marka said:

Thank you for replies. No, we didn't talk about clothes or shopping (I am not a big fan of shopping/brands, I prefer to spend money on travel and activities). My profile is mainly photos from my travel (shirts, jeans, t-shorts) or my hobbies. I have only one photo with dress and blazer in the theatre (it is also one of my main interest). He is also quite older than me, like 10years or so, not sure if it is relates. I was definitely not going to wear a dress to a park, was planning jeans and converse or smth else casual and comfy to seat on a grass or bench.

Everybody is different. But as for me, I would pass on him. Someone is telling a stranger what he or she should or should not wear on a first date is not going to leave a good impression for me. Maybe he was trying to be "cute" and flirty. But that is a barf-worthy quality in my book. At least, it shows that he is not very sophisticated. And also, this showcases his selfishness, as you dressing in the way that he finds appealing only benefits him but not you. In other words, this is about him and his fantasies only.

 

18 minutes ago, stillafool said:

He probably likes women in cute summer dresses and wants you to feed his fantasy. 

Yes, this is about feeling his fantasy. I think that some guy have a certain fantasy of what a woman should dress like. One time few years ago, one guy was very disappointed when I didn't 'show up wearing a sexy mini dress that left very little to the imagination. He was disappointed that my boobies weren't falling out of my blouse. How come he came up with that? I have absolutely no idea, he never verbalized that, but apparently he had that image of me coming dressing in mini for our date. Mind you, it was -40 degrees outside so dressing like that would be totally ridiculous and dangerous for health. And needless to say, there wasn't any second date.

Edited April 13, 2023 by Alvi

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Marka said:

: This weekend is going to be warm and sunny so you will have a good excuse to wear one of your cute summer dresses for our date.

It's a weird remark how does he know if you have "cute summer dresses"?  It doesn't seem controlling per se, but it does seem to have sexual/flirty undertones. Are you afraid he's being a dirty old man?

The bottom line is trust your instincts. If it creeps you out or turns you off, cancel the date. Should you decide to go out of curiosity, of course wear whatever you are comfortable in.  

Edited April 13, 2023 by Wiseman2

[Marka]

20 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Are you afraid he's being a dirty old man?

No, not afraid really. For me this statement sounded a bit disrespectful, from a guy in his 40ies who works for a bank I would have expected better. 

At the moment, I am not sure how to reply to this comment. Smth like: haha thanks for suggestion, i think i would be fine with jeans. Now also thinking about changing location to coffee shop instead of park. Or trust my gut and cancel

[Wiseman2]

9 minutes ago, Marka said:

 thinking about changing location to coffee shop instead of park. Or trust my gut and cancel

Don't reply to the comment, that simply validates it. Yes, if you do go, definitely change the venue to something more public and easier to excuse yourself from. Just show up in whatever you're comfortable in without explanation. Maybe he's an awkward dufus, maybe he's a creep. The remark is in that grey area where it's either super bad flirting or sexist.

[Gaeta]

Yes it is disrespectful and condescending. It means to him you're a body he'd like to see in a dress. Not the type of comment you make to a younger woman you respect the intellect. 

I would soooo pass that. He comes across as a dirty old uncle. 

[Weezy1973]

22 minutes ago, Marka said:

 Or trust my gut and cancel

I almost always say to give people a chance - at least a first date. But in this case I think cancelling is fine. I don’t think the two of you are compatible.

[Els]

I wouldn't necessarily say that he's TELLING you what to wear... but the comment does come across as, at the very least, incredibly awkward. If he was in his 20s, it might be understandable, but at 40+ it's a hard pass IMO.

[stillafool]

Or you could shoot him a text back and say "It should be easy to spot you when i get there; because you will be wearing that speedo, won't you, since it will be warm." (rolleyes) and then block.

[Marka]

39 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Or you could shoot him a text back and say "It should be easy to spot you when i get there; because you will be wearing that speedo, won't you, since it will be warm." (rolleyes) and then block.

ahahah, I love that!

[ccas93]

it's been a longggg winter and the weathers finally getting nicer, and he's been checking out ladies looking good in their spring dresses, so he's hoping you will be fulfill his fantasies he's been having of all the eye candy he's been seeing lately

[Versacehottie]

2 hours ago, Marka said:

No, not afraid really. For me this statement sounded a bit disrespectful, from a guy in his 40ies who works for a bank I would have expected better. 

At the moment, I am not sure how to reply to this comment. Smth like: haha thanks for suggestion, i thinhk i would be fine with jeans. Now also thinking about changing location to coffee shop instead of park. Or trust my gut and cancel

I think a line back to him somewhat like the bolded you wrote above would be a good way to test WTF he means.  If you are lighthearted and easygoing about it vs uptight, you can perhaps suss out what it is he really meant by his reply to your statement of something like that. Also I think it's good to just stand your ground and be who you are, so there certainly isn't any harm in saying that since it's the truth on how you feel. 

If he's 10 years older than you he might just be overly excited haha. 

About your gut, is that truly justified gut feeling or just a reluctance to date him/anybody and coming up with reasons to reject people? Only asking because that is a phenomena as well. If you are in a safe place, I think you will learn as much from the experience--whether it's good or bad or a life long love or a one off--as "doing nothing", ie finding reason to cancel or not go. 

[Versacehottie]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Don't reply to the comment

I like this idea about anything really....I think women feel the need to address everything in the beginning stages (lol well all stages really) and women can take a cue from men, in that as a generalization, they respond to what they want to...answer some questions, but not others, construct the conversation the way they want, etc. 

I don't think it necessarily validates or invalidates it by responding directly to his statement...though that is dependent on what you say back. Because there are a variety of ways you could respond (in life in general) to a statement like that that either take back your power and assert yourself, clarify, or invalidate yourself if some ways.  It all depends on the response. Stay quiet on the subject--for some--could be equally invalidating. Too many variables to say really.   But I do like the idea as an option as well, depends on what not speaking up will mean to you. Also how you want to manage your budding dating relationships. I don't thinking engaging him in any way about that comment, disempowers you specifically.  But if not responding to it gives you the most empowered feeling than of course do that! 

Edited April 13, 2023 by Versacehottie

[Lotsgoingon]

I would also consider canceling the date on the oft chance he's REALLY creepy. 

It's totally a red flag for him to suggest what you wear. The guy is so spectacularly clueless and dumb that he doesn't understand that women (or men) don't like that--and would probably hate that! I'm a guy and I would hate a woman suggesting how I dress on a first date and this type of suggestion would be 10x less threatening and controlling for me compared to for a woman.

Red flag. Major red flag. I would be 99 percent confident you will not want to see him again. Probably safer to skip this guy. 

So yeah, maybe totally ignore. 

[Alpacalia]

If you don't feel comfortable with his suggestion, it is perfectly acceptable to turn down the date.

It's possible that he is simply trying to suggest something he believe would be appealing or attractive, without any intention of being controlling or sexist. It is also supposed to be warm out.

Certainly, if he continues to make similar comments or exhibit controlling or sexist behaviors, then red flag.

Wear whatever makes you feel confident and at ease. 

It was your right to let him know and make sure he realizes that it is not acceptable. Remember that it is always acceptable to say 'no' to something you don't want to do.

Edited April 13, 2023 by Alpacalia

[Alvi]

OP, please trust your intuition. Your intuition, or gut feelings, about stuff is probably right. You see that something is off about this guy, hence you are questioning about him on this forum. There were plenty of times when I tried to shut down my own intuition when it came to dating. I mean, I could see that something was not right about a guy that I was just talking to. But instead of turning down a date, I still went feeling not right about the guy. And I have to say, every single time when I ignored my gut feeling, it turned out to be a total disaster. Do whatever feels right for you. It is totally OK to turn a date down if you feel some concerns or feel uncomfortable.

There are red flags about this guy that I see so far:

• 10 years older than you. Why do you think some guys  look for someone younger?
• Telling you how he wants you to dress before even meeting you. This is a total red flag.

It is OK to have fantasies and desires but it is not OK to dictate what the other person (whom you have never met in person) is supposed to wear.

5 hours ago, ccas93 said:

it's been a longggg winter and the weathers finally getting nicer, and he's been checking out ladies looking good in their spring dresses, so he's hoping you will be fulfill his fantasies he's been having of all the eye candy he's been seeing lately

OP should feel so lucky that he chose her as the one to fulfill his fantasies that he has about women wearing dresses. Just kidding.

[ShyViolet]

It was one tiny comment.  I would give him the benefit of the doubt that maybe he didn't mean it that way. [ ]  If you disqualify potential dates for things like this, if your bar is seriously THIS high, you will find yourself so picky that you'll never date anyone.  This is a little ridiculous.

If you decide to give it a chance, and he starts to exhibit a pattern, then that's different.

Edited April 14, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
respect

[Wiseman2]

12 hours ago, Marka said:

. Nothing special just a walk in a park 

Was this his suggestion? That's a bad idea for a first meet.  On first meetings, it's best to keep it brief and public. Drive yourself and park near the coffee shop.

You mentioned he's a banking professional and he can't spring for a cup of coffee? And suggests a skimpy outfit? This may be a thanks but no thanks situation.