How do I deal with the silent treatment?

[JTSW]

7 hours ago, Black Cement said:

She's making it seem like it's all my fault. She doesn't care about the picture I posted, just to be clear. Am I wrong for sending one text a day basically saying how you doing? I did send her a video online yesterday about how this guy hates being ignored, and wished his girlfriend would communicate like an adult. That's what broke her silence. 

Do you think I crossed the line? Or do I have a valid reason to be upset. 

You were advised by many here to let the dust settle.

To give her some space.

Then you sent that crap to her?

What were you thinking??

I'm guessing you are both young because you are both seriously immature.

[Black Cement]

Is that video that bad? It was one of those dating coach videos on instagram. It was a short 15 second video of him saying "one thing that bothers me is being ignored. If you're busy, tell me. If you're not in the mood to talk, just say so. If you're done with me, just say so." I just tagged her in it.

I mean it worked, didn't it. I did it out of frustration. She knows she saw my texts, she has been watching all my IG stories for the past 4 days. She goes from sending me good morning texts everyday, checking up on me throughout the day, to just disappearing off the face of the earth. 

Her excuse is that she's "busy" and that we were just going to see each other next week. But that doesn't mean we can't check up on each other on our free time right?

Edited April 14, 2023 by Black Cement
added info

[Gaeta]

17 minutes ago, Black Cement said:

Her excuse is that she's "busy" and that we were just going to see each other next week. But that doesn't mean we can't check up on each other on our free time right?

Exactly, so she's not interested anymore. What more do you need? 

People appreciate us/love us with actions. You have none here.

Yes the video was really, really bad. 

[Versacehottie]

36 minutes ago, Black Cement said:

Is that video that bad? It was one of those dating coach videos on instagram. It was a short 15 second video of him saying "one thing that bothers me is being ignored. If you're busy, tell me. If you're not in the mood to talk, just say so. If you're done with me, just say so." I just tagged her in it.

I mean it worked, didn't it. I did it out of frustration. She knows she saw my texts, she has been watching all my IG stories for the past 4 days. She goes from sending me good morning texts everyday, checking up on me throughout the day, to just disappearing off the face of the earth. 

Her excuse is that she's "busy" and that we were just going to see each other next week. But that doesn't mean we can't check up on each other on our free time right?

Yes the video was really that bad..like really. And now you've added that it's from a dating coach. OMG, that is too much. It does sort of telegraph needy and clingy.

And the part i bolded is EXACTLY what I'm talking about when I said you will do anything to get a reaction, whether it's consciously or semi-consciously. This is typical anxious-attachment behavior and this is the sh*t that will drive people away. It also makes me think we are only getting part of the story with what your actions prior to the silent treatment have been. People that think like this can and will do anything when they don't feel like they are getting the attention or feel insecure about the relationship. Your partner will lose respect for you. I'm thinking it's very possible that she has right now--she sounds like AT BEST she is considering if she should move forward with the relationship or not. 

[Black Cement]

10 minutes ago, Versacehottie said:

Yes the video was really that bad..like really. And now you've added that it's from a dating coach. OMG, that is too much. It does sort of telegraph needy and clingy.

And the part i bolded is EXACTLY what I'm talking about when I said you will do anything to get a reaction, whether it's consciously or semi-consciously. This is typical anxious-attachment behavior and this is the sh*t that will drive people away. It also makes me think we are only getting part of the story with what your actions prior to the silent treatment have been. People that think like this can and will do anything when they don't feel like they are getting the attention or feel insecure about the relationship. Your partner will lose respect for you. I'm thinking it's very possible that she has right now--she sounds like AT BEST she is considering if she should move forward with the relationship or not. 

Everything was fine before the silent treatment. She was excited to see me next week and do what we had planned. I just went into panic mode, because when this happened to me before, 2 different girls said they found someone new and sorry for leaving me hanging. I let my insecurities get the best of me this time.

As of if she wants to move forward. She said she doesn't know. I let her figure it out, I know I f'd up.

[ShyViolet]

Everything about this girl's actions is showing that she is not interested in you anymore.  What part of that are you not getting?  Repeatedly texting her, hounding her and pestering her is not going to make her like you.  It doesn't work that way.  It's time for you to take a hint and leave this girl alone.

[Versacehottie]

2 hours ago, Black Cement said:

Everything was fine before the silent treatment. She was excited to see me next week and do what we had planned. I just went into panic mode, because when this happened to me before, 2 different girls said they found someone new and sorry for leaving me hanging. I let my insecurities get the best of me this time.

As of if she wants to move forward. She said she doesn't know. I let her figure it out, I know I f'd up.

I say this all the time on here--you probably haven't seen it so I will say it to you...but insecure people always think they are hiding whatever their true thoughts are from their partners but TRUST it is coming out in your actions, the way you phrase things, etc...I don't think "everything was fine before" otherwise this would not be the result. So you have to address feeling insecure--in fact, it is very interesting that now you are pointing to 2 previous girls moving on with someone new as a source of your insecurity or unresolved trauma in a way.  Don't you think if you are projecting past relationship stuff and how it made you feel and the lingering effects causing insecurity in you that you have done things PRIOR to this to try to hold onto the relationship with this current girl that are needy, or looking for assurance? I'm 99% sure you have. 

I say all this above because the more important thing is not to say that you f'd up. We all do pretty much. But so that you can learn from it and change your behavior going forward. You are less likely to have girls running away from you if you find a way to have confidence--in fact, you will probably have more girls than you can handle if you find that; center yourself--where your confidence is not dependent on a girl liking you or not, being in touch or shaken by those things, and in fact, so much so that you resort to actions that are just not someone you want to be or that are cringe.  Just using sending the 15 sec video from a dating coach as an example--which communicates more of a strong, confident guy with lots of dating options but who CHOOSES to be with this girl, provided she treats him well and the relationship is progressing? A) A guy who is checking out videos from dating coaches and when he cannot get the gf to respond to him normally and panics about her not being in touch and monitors her IG behavior, decides that even if it is lame and embarrassing, will send or tag her with a dating coach video that represents how he is feeling  OR B) a guy who is so sure of himself and his worth as a person and in the dating market, that succinctly says how he is feeling, corrects his wrongs or clarifies about the cousin photo and then is adult and confident to just leave it alone--because the message that sends is that you know you have options and are a good catch and are adult enough to talk about issues but if they don't get resolved to your reasonable satisfaction you aren't going to lower yourself or change who you are in desperation to do anything to keep her. The B answer usually is the guy that has no problem getting girls to stick around. 

So not trying to overly blame you, just you need to learn from it or it seems like you will take the temporary lesson: badgering or some version of, to get a response from someone if it works is all that matters. It's usually this stuff that is final nail in the coffin (from the other person's perspective). It's self-respect.

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, Black Cement said:

Her excuse is that she's "busy" and that we were just going to see each other next week. But that doesn't mean we can't check up on each other on our free time right?

How old is she? Does she work? Go to school? Live with parents? How long were you friends before you started dating?

It's seems like your date for next week is still on? 

You noticed a change of pattern in communication, that's ok.

However if you have a tendency to phone-tether or suffocate, it may be best to scale back on this and give them room to breathe and a chance to miss you.

So checking in is fine, but checking up can come across as insecure or possessive .

Edited April 14, 2023 by Wiseman2

[Black Cement]

20 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

How old is she? Does she work? Go to school? Live with parents? How long were you friends before you started dating?

It's seems like your date for next week is still on? 

You noticed a change of pattern in communication, that's ok.

However if you have a tendency to phone-tether or suffocate, it may be best to scale back on this and give them room to breathe and a chance to miss you.

So checking in is fine, but checking up can come across as insecure or possessive .

She's 27. Has a career. Lives alone. IDK probably knew each other for like 8 years, but we were never close. We did have a thing for each other but were always in relationships.

It seems like it, we're not talking rn and I don't want to bug her about it.

I am suffocating her. Should I stay off social media for a while? I don't want to know what she's up to or seeing me doing the things I'm doing..

[ExpatInItaly]

3 minutes ago, Black Cement said:

Should I stay off social media for a while?

If you can't resist the temptation to take a look at hers, then yes. 

[Versacehottie]

2 hours ago, Black Cement said:

Should I stay off social media for a while? I don't want to know what she's up to or seeing me doing the things I'm doing..

Well I'd say for sure you should not look at her stuff. Put her on mute (assuming IG).  IMO, you should live your life. Post as you regularly do. I DEFINITELY would NOT recommend trying to overdo it and go overboard looking like you are out and about by over-posting or trying to make her jealous.  If anything default to a little quieter than normal. 

And don't get any ideas about more (cousin)-type posts..faux "innocent" posts with girl friends or cousins to try to get a reaction...nor blocking her bc consciously or unconsciously the act of blocking her will also be to try to get a reaction from her.  If in a couple weeks time you haven't heard from her, I'd say safe to assume you are broken up and then ok maybe block her (without expecting or wanting a reaction)..I'm not big into blocking in general though for you in the future if you really do break up then it might be what you need to do for you. Don't do it now though (because you will be trying to get a reaction as well as creating more drama and shutting off mature communication).

[Alpacalia]

2 hours ago, Black Cement said:

Should I stay off social media for a while?

Yes.

You need to take a break from social media and gain emotional distance from her. This can only prove to be advantageous for you as you will not be seeing her posts or engaging in conversations with her.

[Black Cement]

1 hour ago, Versacehottie said:

Well I'd say for sure you should not look at her stuff. Put her on mute (assuming IG).  IMO, you should live your life. Post as you regularly do. I DEFINITELY would NOT recommend trying to overdo it and go overboard looking like you are out and about by over-posting or trying to make her jealous.  If anything default to a little quieter than normal. 

And don't get any ideas about more (cousin)-type posts..faux "innocent" posts with girl friends or cousins to try to get a reaction...nor blocking her bc consciously or unconsciously the act of blocking her will also be to try to get a reaction from her.  If in a couple weeks time you haven't heard from her, I'd say safe to assume you are broken up and then ok maybe block her (without expecting or wanting a reaction)..I'm not big into blocking in general though for you in the future if you really do break up then it might be what you need to do for you. Don't do it now though (because you will be trying to get a reaction as well as creating more drama and shutting off mature communication).

TBH I’m in Hawaii with my friend. I won’t try to over do it with the posts and make her jealous, but I’m just having fun. She’s still watching my stories, but I’m not paying attention to hers.

[Gaeta]

56 minutes ago, Black Cement said:

TBH I’m in Hawaii with my friend. I won’t try to over do it with the posts and make her jealous, but I’m just having fun. She’s still watching my stories, but I’m not paying attention to hers.

If l were vacationning in Hawaii l would be too busy and too excited to think of posting on social media.

You sound pretty addicted to social media. Real life is out there, go try it.

[ExpatInItaly]

I would suggest a full break from social media if you're in Hawaii and posting here and on social media rather than out enjoying yourself and your time with your friend. 

Time to unplug for a bit, OP. 

[Alpacalia]

You're just rehashing the same stuff. 

It wouldn't make a difference to you if she watched your stories, as you wouldn't be monitoring her viewing habits.

Edited April 15, 2023 by Alpacalia

[Wiseman2]

14 hours ago, Black Cement said:

. I won’t try to over do it with the posts and make her jealous, 

Has she contacted you? She probably doesn't care that you're not following her stories. Are you hoping posting pics of your vacation will get her  attention or a reaction similar to posting pics of women without descriptives? Maybe you just want out of the relationship but hope she pulls the plug first? 

[JTSW]

On 4/14/2023 at 3:53 PM, Black Cement said:

Is that video that bad? It was one of those dating coach videos on instagram. It was a short 15 second video of him saying "one thing that bothers me is being ignored. If you're busy, tell me. If you're not in the mood to talk, just say so. If you're done with me, just say so." I just tagged her in it.

Omg, I can't believe you tagged her in a dating coach video.

How embarrassing for her because others will see that.

People will think you are making her out to be an ignorant person/gf.

Do you not see what you have done here?

This was a huge mistake on your part.

[Black Cement]

7 hours ago, JTSW said:

Omg, I can't believe you tagged her in a dating coach video.

How embarrassing for her because others will see that.

People will think you are making her out to be an ignorant person/gf.

Do you not see what you have done here?

This was a huge mistake on your part.

I understand that, I apologized to her already. But I don't regret it, being ignored for 4 days was driving me crazy. I got was I asking for

[Versacehottie]

6 minutes ago, Black Cement said:

But I don't regret it, being ignored for 4 days was driving me crazy.

It's this basic sentiment and insecurity to this level that is going to keep causing you problems...and exactly why she thinks of you as clingy or needy. You probably think you are hiding who you are or your thoughts but like I said before there are things everyone does that convey who they are and what their thoughts and belief systems are...

This is totally unattractive...it's the equivalent of a mini man tantrum and super insecure. Like you will prefer any attention even if it's bad attention. In a twisted way that means you think you still have a chance with her as longs as your anxiety and insecurity is soothed by getting her "to reply"...In the big picture though, she likely has lost all respect for you, you've convey that you have little to no self-worth or control over your emotions. No bueno whatsoever.

Guys that do DRAMATIC stuff like this was--do not make good partners. And most worthy girls have no respect for them.

Edited April 17, 2023 by Versacehottie

[Black Cement]

22 minutes ago, Versacehottie said:

It's this basic sentiment and insecurity to this level that is going to keep causing you problems...and exactly why she thinks of you as clingy or needy. You probably think you are hiding who you are or your thoughts but like I said before there are things everyone does that convey who they are and what their thoughts and belief systems are...

This is totally unattractive...it's the equivalent of a mini man tantrum and super insecure. Like you will prefer any attention even if it's bad attention. In a twisted way that means you think you still have a chance with her as longs as your anxiety and insecurity is soothed by getting her "to reply"...In the big picture though, she likely has lost all respect for you, you've convey that you have little to no self-worth or control over your emotions. No bueno whatsoever.

Guys that do DRAMATIC stuff like this was--do not make good partners. And most worthy girls have no respect for them.

I already stated that I was insecure from past relationships. She understands where I was coming from, but doesn't feel the need to check in with me when she's busy. 

[ExpatInItaly]

20 minutes ago, Black Cement said:

I already stated that I was insecure from past relationships. She understands where I was coming from, but doesn't feel the need to check in with me when she's busy. 

And you thought the way to address that was to pull a cringe move like tagging her in a dating video? 

If a man did that to me, I would right him off completely. It's incrediby immature. 

[Versacehottie]

3 hours ago, Black Cement said:

I already stated that I was insecure from past relationships. She understands where I was coming from, but doesn't feel the need to check in with me when she's busy. 

So and??? Are you the type of guy who claims he's been previously hurt and/or insecure and then uses it as a blanket statement to justify any and all behavior? 

She might have put up with your insecurity or baggage before but all you are doing with this junk is giving her (and the women before) reasons to think of you as "less than". Pull yourself up from this, come on!

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, Black Cement said:

. She understands where I was coming from, but doesn't feel the need to check in with me when she's busy. 

.She doesn't need phone-tethering if she's busy in order to quell insecurities. However 4 days is quite a while but then again you're off on vacation ignoring her. Perhaps it's time to figure out a more effective communication pattern.

[Alpacalia]

Look, most experience insecurity to some degree at some point in their lives.

You're human, big deal.

Your tendency has been to do things to elicit a reaction from her to determine or 'measure' her level of interest. Social media habits, comments to her about "lunching with your ex" and the other methods you've employed to make her jealous demonstrate this. There's nothing healthy about it. Focus on building a strong, trusting relationship with her rather than using manipulative methods to test her feelings.

Instead, focus on the things that make you unique and valuable. That's what will attract the right relationship.

Edited April 17, 2023 by Alpacalia