How do I deal with the silent treatment?

[Alpacalia]

People post pictures with other people all the time.

It could be a harmless photo with a friend, family, or something else entirely.

Or, perhaps a teaser. Did you anticipate a reaction to your post?

An isolated incident is not alarming. When you combine that with no discussion of exclusivity, meeting with exes, and now pictures of you with other women, I would imagine she has lost interest.

[Versacehottie]

11 hours ago, Black Cement said:

What’s wrong with planning a date? We both live busy lives and we want to plan our next thing we’re gonna do. 

Nothing's wrong with it...I think what Gaeta means and I also wanted to know when I read your OP, is why after dating for a "few months", you aren't in daily/multiple times a day contact with each other?  

IMO, that's how things would progress pretty much most of the time...and if that's what was happening, you would probably be able to pinpoint exactly what the problem was rather than getting silent treatment and having to guess. Also your communication overall would likely be more familiar with each other, if not better, where one or both of your would feel comfortable speaking up...AND you would have likely had little points of disagreements already where she could have voiced what was actually wrong...And you would mean enough to her at this point that she wouldn't likely just ghost you.

If you were talking much less frequently and still planning weekly or less frequent dates, then maybe the pic of your cousin was just a tipping point or even not that relevant to someone that who was already losing interest or things were moving too slow to take it seriously.  Just a thought.

[Versacehottie]

5 hours ago, Black Cement said:

"you're assuming too much. I'm just spending time with my family."

hmmm, this sounds like a passive aggressive response. She didn't address your concerns, reassure you, try to make things right for the sake of the relationship or leave door open to continue conversation or make plans to see you or anything. She's either mad, pouting, or lost interest.  See how it's a dig at you in the first part?

At a minimum poor communication skills are happening. 

idk, it doesn't seem great at all. Definitely points to her needing cool down time, without being able to express her feelings. Hard to tell if she will come back from this or if she is just done and sort of stringing you along. I think you don't do anything else. Let her contact you. If she does characterize you as clingy which there is a hint of in her response, IMO things are done after that...ie she might keep you around but she won't respect you and it's just a matter of time (sometimes a long time as well) before she will dump you once a person sees you that way. (not off a one off incident but on the whole). 

[Lotsgoingon]

Yeah, she gave you a b.s. response. Totally lame and not honest or open.

She knows exactly how often you guys talked before she got involved with "family." And this is a joke. Was a family member sick and required  24/7 care? 

Time for you to have a real conversation. You guys have been friends a long time so you have to be careful about defining things. I would say you are NOT dating (you're hanging out) until you guys have the exclusivity talk. I'm sensing you guys were exploring things between you. 

Anyway, sorry you got such a useless response. You are learning from her, about how she handles relationships. 

[Alpacalia]

After seven years of friendship and the relationship turning romantic, it would seem that the two of you would have made more progress by now. Unfortunately, that has not been the case.

The fact that the relationship has not progressed in the way you both expected could be due to a variety of factors. So, what's up?

[Black Cement]

Here's the thing, we had a talk a while back that when we get into arguments, we will try to communicate calmly without conflict. She stated that she tends to be quiet and avoids confrontation because her mom was verbally abusive to her growing up, and is estranged from her now. So I get why she's being passive aggressive. I'm not used to this, my past relationships I'm always having heated arguments back and forth. 

I mean I really like her, always have. Honestly she's been the sweetest girl I've ever had a relationship with. I want this to work out and I know I make mistakes.

Should I just leave her alone for now, or should I try and have a talk with her this morning? 

Edited April 13, 2023 by Black Cement
grammer

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Black Cement said:

Should I just leave her alone for now, or should I try and have a talk with her this morning? 

Let the dust settle . Don't chase. Wait until she contacts you. At that time meet face-to-face so you can get some clarification on exclusivity, what you want to call yourselves  expectations, communication etc.

At this time the relationship is too nebulous which leads to confusion and misunderstandings.

Keep in mind "heated arguments" are a  bad habit best left in the past. Sometimes it's best to cool off, process and revisit when cooler heads prevail.

[Gaeta]

2 hours ago, Black Cement said:

Should I just leave her alone for now, or should I try and have a talk with her this morning? 

Definitely leave her alone, she told she's the type that needs to calm down, give her the space to do that. 

If you messaged her that the woman in the picture was your cousin then from here it's in her hands. Let her calm down. 

Edited April 13, 2023 by Gaeta

[Black Cement]

She texted me back saying I’m overwhelming her. That’s she’s busy visiting family and that we will she each other next week. 
 

I replied saying “I’m sorry you feel that way. I just don’t get why you ghosted me like that when all we do is talk, but I get it you’re busy. My bad.”

[Versacehottie]

1 hour ago, Black Cement said:

She texted me back saying I’m overwhelming her. That’s she’s busy visiting family and that we will she each other next week. 
 

I replied saying “I’m sorry you feel that way. I just don’t get why you ghosted me like that when all we do is talk, but I get it you’re busy. My bad.”

This sounds fine from your part, until the "my bad"...that sounds disingenuous and also passive aggressive.  If you read into just that last sentence fragment, it looks like you are hoping to keep the fight going/keep talking to her by provoking her so you can get to the bottom of things for your comfort. The rest sounds honest and communicative to me...but you have to truly let things settle a bit rather than pressing or provoking bc you are upset..because than the argument can become about other things as well...and additionally you'd be adding to whatever (negative/clingy/needy/emo) perception she has of you IMO. 

[Black Cement]

I really don’t want to keep fighting. She said she understands where I’m coming from. I told her I don’t want to push her away.

 

I know she’s lying about being busy, because I see all the boring things she posts online. I don’t want to bring it up with her, I’ll just her be for now

[Lotsgoingon]

Just got to say: this is hardly a fight. 

[Alpacalia]

So, to clarify, you didn't really answer the question about whether you and she are exclusive. When the topic came up before, your response was that you were planning to see an ex, which doesn't sound very reassuring or comforting

[Black Cement]

11 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

So, to clarify, you didn't really answer the question about whether you and she are exclusive. When the topic came up before, your response was that you were planning to see an ex, which doesn't sound very reassuring or comforting

We’ve never talked about it. I’m not gonna bring it up rn either. When I said I’m having lunch with an ex, it was an April fools joke, she said it was fine and that my joke was lame.

[MsJayne]

On 4/13/2023 at 6:16 AM, Black Cement said:

She told me she’s not the jealous type when we were first dating

Doesn't sound like she's "the jealous type", sounds like she's the type who doesn't put up with childish mind games. Why would you post a picture of you having a drink with another woman with no explanation when you know your girl will see it? Ask yourself why you did that? Are you really that thoughtless? Some people deliberately try to provoke jealousy in a partner and then act all innocent and confused when the partner reacts by being disgusted at the childishness of this behaviour. Then the person who deliberately created the problem accuses their partner of being jealous, or paranoid, or insecure, or clingy. I think you're spot on with your suspicion that this pic you posted caused it because you did it on purpose to provoke a reaction. Perhaps you should just explain why you felt the need to rock the relationship boat and apologise like a grown up. If you didn't do it on purpose, if you're really that thoughtless and self-absorbed, she's better off without you, and she knows that. 

[BaileyB]

15 hours ago, Black Cement said:

So, guess what, she finally responded. She said "you're assuming too much. I'm just spending time with my family."

That’s not a valid answer, IMHO.

Of course, she is free to spend time with her family. But, to just disappear and not respond to your messages for days… that’s not the behavior of a mature woman who loves and respects the man she is dating. 

Edited April 13, 2023 by BaileyB

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Black Cement said:

I know she’s lying about being busy, because I see all the boring things she posts online.

Maybe she just wants time away or with other friends and family? Since you're not exclusive, you can both do what you want without expectations.

Step back and try not to phone-tether.

[basil67]

Thanks for the update

After being involved with someone who would pull a disappearing act now and then, I made a decision that I would never again tolerate this behaviour.  Not that I'd expect someone to be on call 24x7, but I would expect them to respond to me within a roughly 12 hour period (that allows for being busy or socialising).    I would recommend you take the same approach. Especially as she hasn't apologised for confusing you.

[Alpacalia]

2 hours ago, Black Cement said:

When I said I’m having lunch with an ex, it was an April fools joke, she said it was fine and that my joke was lame.

What you said was confusing. Following that, she may have felt unsure about where you stand. Mixed messages are challenging to interpret.

Edited April 13, 2023 by Alpacalia

[Black Cement]

She's making it seem like it's all my fault. She doesn't care about the picture I posted, just to be clear. Am I wrong for sending one text a day basically saying how you doing? I did send her a video online yesterday about how this guy hates being ignored, and wished his girlfriend would communicate like an adult. That's what broke her silence. 

Do you think I crossed the line? Or do I have a valid reason to be upset. 

[Versacehottie]

39 minutes ago, Black Cement said:

She's making it seem like it's all my fault. She doesn't care about the picture I posted, just to be clear. Am I wrong for sending one text a day basically saying how you doing? I did send her a video online yesterday about how this guy hates being ignored, and wished his girlfriend would communicate like an adult. That's what broke her silence. 

Do you think I crossed the line? Or do I have a valid reason to be upset. 

Jeez no...you didn't do that, did you?  This is over the top. It's dramatic. Use your words, man.  Whether you realize it or not, you are exhibiting behavior that is trying to provoke a reaction. I get it that it sucks to be in some timeout with her. At a certain point you just need to speak up like an adult (you have in portions and then more detail comes out which is immature of you as well), and then let it be. 

If she thinks you are being dramatic and immature yourself, she is bound to stonewall you some more.  

I think some of what you did is "off" for sure....I'm now wondering if you played with the ambiguity of her not knowing who your cousin was in that photo you posted...and you said something else (which i'd have to look up and I'm too lazy right now) where I think you are perhaps a little bit consciously or unconsciously trying to make her jealous or see how much she cares about you. 

I'm by no means saying she is perfect. Her behavior--as you've described it--it's great either.

*and let me clarify the jeez comment I make above...do you see the irony of someone wishing his gf would communicate like an adult, express with a video of some other random guy?? It's like you can't express it either..As well as in context, you weren't getting a response from her so you sent a (passive aggressive) video. It sounds like you are both are doing passive aggressive stuff to each other.

[ShyViolet]

6 hours ago, Black Cement said:

She texted me back saying I’m overwhelming her. That’s she’s busy visiting family and that we will she each other next week. 

This is not the behavior of someone who is interested in being in a relationship with you.  The only messages she has sent you in the last few days were her being annoyed with you, telling you she is busy, or saying that you are "overwhelming" her.  Face reality... she is losing interest.  This is not a girl who is excited to be with you.  You shouldn't have to jump through hoops, keep texting her over and over, send her videos, chase her.  It's not going to work and will only make her lost respect for you even more.  You can't force her to be interested in you.

Stop playing these games and find someone who is actually excited to be with you.  

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Black Cement said:

S I did send her a video online yesterday about how this guy hates being ignored, and wished his girlfriend would communicate like an adult. 

Try to step back and reevaluate this situationship. You're not exclusive so unfortunately there's no guidelines. 

Yes it's rude to suddenly ignore you, but rather than send videos, view this as something to consider that this transition from friends to situationship isn't working or making you happy.

[Gaeta]

There is such immaturity on both side. 

OP, you act like a teen, really. Do you have dating experience?

[ExpatInItaly]

Both you and she need to grow up, honestly. 

How old are you and she? And I'll echo Gaeta's question - have you dated much before? Sending passive-aggressive texts and videos is not the way forward, OP. It makes you look childish.