Black Cement Posted April 12, 2023 Posted April 12, 2023 Me & this girl have been dating for a few months. Everything was fine, no arguments or anything. We go on dates, text/talk throughout the day, every single day. This past weekend, I didn't hear from her. Monday I sent a text saying "Are you good? Haven't heard from you in a while." Yesterday I sent another text saying "Are you alive?? JK, I'll leave you alone now, just hope you're doing okay (heart emoji)" I see her IG stories, and she's doing her normal stuff, and watching my stories as well. She maybe mad, because I posted a picture having a drink with a girl, but the girl is my cousin! She doesn't know that. I don't know how to reach out to her to find out why she's doing this. I don't want to come off as clingy/needy. What should I do?
Gaeta Posted April 12, 2023 Posted April 12, 2023 Did you tell her it was your cousin in the picture when you tried to contact her? You've been dating a few months so pick up your phone and DIAL her, if she doesn't pick up than leave a message clarifying the picture. If she still pouts then this is not someone you want to date anyway, right? relationship's misunderstanding are not solved by giving the silent treatment. Also after a few months of exclusive dating there is no-more 'afraid of appearing cligny'.
Author Black Cement Posted April 12, 2023 Author Posted April 12, 2023 8 minutes ago, Gaeta said: Did you tell her it was your cousin in the picture when you tried to contact her? You've been dating a few months so pick up your phone and DIAL her, if she doesn't pick up than leave a message clarifying the picture. If she still pouts then this is not someone you want to date anyway, right? relationship's misunderstanding are not solved by giving the silent treatment. Also after a few months of exclusive dating there is no-more 'afraid of appearing cligny'. No, I did not. I haven't brought it up because I'm not sure if that's why she's ignoring me. Maybe I will call, but when I do, I tend to not have a filter, I let my emotions take over will will end up getting mad at her 1
Gaeta Posted April 12, 2023 Posted April 12, 2023 (edited) Next time you post one of those pictures make sure to describe the picture. That was inconsiderate of you to post this without specifying she was your cousin. You know your gf follows you in IG, you thought that would be no big-deal to her? I would send her a last text telling her the woman in your picture was your cousin and when she's ready to talk to you you'll be there, then that's it, no more messages from you. If you have a history of posting these types of pictures then consider she's done with you. Edited April 12, 2023 by Gaeta 4
Wiseman2 Posted April 12, 2023 Posted April 12, 2023 1 hour ago, Black Cement said: I posted a picture having a drink with a girl, but the girl is my cousin! She doesn't know that. Does your social media have a place for comments/captions? Why not tag/label the pic as your cousin,? 2
Versacehottie Posted April 12, 2023 Posted April 12, 2023 4 hours ago, Black Cement said: No, I did not. I haven't brought it up because I'm not sure if that's why she's ignoring me. Maybe I will call, but when I do, I tend to not have a filter, I let my emotions take over will will end up getting mad at her I can understand that...sometimes it's easier to put stuff in a text so you don't go too far off message. Here's the thing....if she doesn't know that's your cousin, I'd say it's a good guess that is why she is not responding to you. It would be the most likely reason IMO. What was the exact timing of the post or photo with the cousin and subsequent not hearing from the girl you are dating? I think since you are in last attempts territory, you should almost make an assumption that is what she is mad about. If she's not mad about that, but not talking to you for some other reason that she refuses to explain to you, then you won't be talking to her anymore anyway. I would think if you guys can resurrect this, that you should work on improving your communication skills going forward. You should feel comfortable speaking up and she should get comfortable saying what is bothering her. Lol, and definitely if you post stuff like that in the future, maybe smart to clarify who the person is in relation to you. Like "fun hanging out with my cousin today" in the caption. Good luck! 1
Author Black Cement Posted April 12, 2023 Author Posted April 12, 2023 I posted in my stories. I never tag ppl, not even her when we go out on dinner dates. She told me she’s not the jealous type when we were first dating but she said a lot of things that weren’t true. I sent my last attempt at contacting her, I sent her a DM on instagram so I know if she read it or not. I said “Are you mad at me for posting a pic with that girl the other day? Because she was my cousin.” This whole thing has made me very uneasy and anxious. I want to be able to talk about a problem, instead of these childish games
semble Posted April 12, 2023 Posted April 12, 2023 (edited) "I'll leave you alone now". That's cringeworthy. Especially after saying you don't want to come across as clingy/needy. But it was cringeworthy even if you hadn't said that first. Edited April 12, 2023 by semble 1
ShyViolet Posted April 12, 2023 Posted April 12, 2023 If she's this immature, that she would ghost you like this over a picture you posted, then you're better off without her. However, in the future if you post a picture of yourself with a girl and it's a relative or cousin, you should add a caption saying that. like "great seeing my cousin today!" 1
Lotsgoingon Posted April 13, 2023 Posted April 13, 2023 (edited) She's getting your messages. You could send FedEx by hand and UPS and the USPS or text from another phone--doesn't matter. If she were invested in the relationship, she would have contacted you, even had you not contacted her. Yeah I had this happen to me. Really confusing if you think things have been going well. Question: have you picked up any hints of ambivalence on her part? These would be hints you didn't want to pick up. BTW: all that texting, limit that. That means nothing. Here's what tells me something is up--and this may surprise you: Me & this girl have been dating for a few months. Everything was fine, no arguments or anything. OK, everything being fine is not necessarily a good sign. Often just means both of you are performing and being at your best, which is not what either of you can sustain. Or just means you both were in infatuation. The question to you: Have you heard words out of her mouth (not from texting) that she LOVES the relationship and really feels fortunate to be with you? And have you heard those words said multiple times in a visceral way, with a big smile and joy all over her face? My guess: she lost interest but just doesn't have the confidence to say that to you. There's really nothing you can do if she has lost interest. And look, definitely you need to alert a woman next time that a pic of you and a woman is a pic of you and a cousin! That is your duty to tell her that right before you post or right afterwards. But I doubt that was the reason. Most likely she had her fun and now she doesn't want to go any deeper with you. Doesn't mean you did anything wrong at all. Just means she was skirting more on the surface than you thought she was, more on the surface than you were. Unfortunately this happens all the time. Sucks, I know. I remember this shock when a woman I thought things were fine with went quiet. I really thought it was a phone problem or an emergency had come up in her life. she wasn't feeling well. Nope, she had lost interest and had indeed shown signs of ambivalence all along (I ignored this at the time). And yep, we never really left the infatuation stage. Edited April 13, 2023 by Lotsgoingon
Author Black Cement Posted April 13, 2023 Author Posted April 13, 2023 1 hour ago, Lotsgoingon said: She's getting your messages. You could send FedEx by hand and UPS and the USPS or text from another phone--doesn't matter. If she were invested in the relationship, she would have contacted you, even had you not contacted her. Yeah I had this happen to me. Really confusing if you think things have been going well. Question: have you picked up any hints of ambivalence on her part? These would be hints you didn't want to pick up. BTW: all that texting, limit that. That means nothing. Here's what tells me something is up--and this may surprise you: Me & this girl have been dating for a few months. Everything was fine, no arguments or anything. OK, everything being fine is not necessarily a good sign. Often just means both of you are performing and being at your best, which is not what either of you can sustain. Or just means you both were in infatuation. The question to you: Have you heard words out of her mouth (not from texting) that she LOVES the relationship and really feels fortunate to be with you? And have you heard those words said multiple times in a visceral way, with a big smile and joy all over her face? My guess: she lost interest but just doesn't have the confidence to say that to you. There's really nothing you can do if she has lost interest. And look, definitely you need to alert a woman next time that a pic of you and a woman is a pic of you and a cousin! That is your duty to tell her that right before you post or right afterwards. But I doubt that was the reason. Most likely she had her fun and now she doesn't want to go any deeper with you. Doesn't mean you did anything wrong at all. Just means she was skirting more on the surface than you thought she was, more on the surface than you were. Unfortunately this happens all the time. Sucks, I know. I remember this shock when a woman I thought things were fine with went quiet. I really thought it was a phone problem or an emergency had come up in her life. she wasn't feeling well. Nope, she had lost interest and had indeed shown signs of ambivalence all along (I ignored this at the time). And yep, we never really left the infatuation stage. She told me last week how much I meant to her and everything I do for her. She posted a pic of us on her IG. Last time we talk we were planning our next date. I’ll never what the issue is, I’m tired of trying to figure it out. I’m driving myself insane.
Gaeta Posted April 13, 2023 Posted April 13, 2023 6 minutes ago, Black Cement said: She told me last week how much I meant to her and everything I do for her. She posted a pic of us on her IG. Last time we talk we were planning our next date. I’ll never what the issue is, I’m tired of trying to figure it out. I’m driving myself insane. You said you've been dating a few months, how long exactly? It came across weird to me that after a few months dating you call to plan the next date, usually after a few months dating we stay overnight at each other's place and it's a given that we spend our weekends together. 1
Gaeta Posted April 13, 2023 Posted April 13, 2023 (edited) 17 minutes ago, Black Cement said: . I’ll never what the issue is, I’m tired of trying to figure it out. I’m driving myself insane. You know what the issue is, really. When you have a girlfriend that's important to you then you are sensitive to her feelings so you don't go around posting pictures of yourself partying with an 'unknown' woman. You make sure that she knows who's the woman in the picture. Your GF saw the picture and all of her girlfriends did too, maybe family members as well, you embarassed your girlfriend and you shook her trust in you. Were you looking to get a reaction out of her? Because until you came on here you had made no attempt to tell her who was in the picture with you. Edited April 13, 2023 by Gaeta 5
Author Black Cement Posted April 13, 2023 Author Posted April 13, 2023 8 minutes ago, Gaeta said: You said you've been dating a few months, how long exactly? It came across weird to me that after a few months dating you call to plan the next date, usually after a few months dating we stay overnight at each other's place and it's a given that we spend our weekends together. What’s wrong with planning a date? We both live busy lives and we want to plan our next thing we’re gonna do.
Gaeta Posted April 13, 2023 Posted April 13, 2023 1 minute ago, Black Cement said: What’s wrong with planning a date? We both live busy lives and we want to plan our next thing we’re gonna do. Nothing wrong at all. How long have you been dating? are you exclusive?
Author Black Cement Posted April 13, 2023 Author Posted April 13, 2023 38 minutes ago, Gaeta said: Nothing wrong at all. How long have you been dating? are you exclusive? Friends for like 7 years, dating 2 months. Never discussed being exclusive. I did tell her once if she was fine with me having lunch with an ex, and she said that was fine.
Lotsgoingon Posted April 13, 2023 Posted April 13, 2023 Dude, this is NOT the endorsement you think it is--so you didn't answer my question. She told me last week how much I meant to her and everything I do for her. Hate to tell you, butthat's lame, People say that when they don't want to say "I love you" and "you are amazing" and I am thrilled to be with you--again with a huge smile on their faces. Complimenting you on "everything" you do for her--that's useless. You shouldn't have to "do "things for her any more than she has to do things for you to win your affections. You're not her servant. I think she was not into you and it was clear early but you missed the signals. Sure, you probably treated her and did a bunch of things which she enjoyed. But that's not evidence of serious romance. The whole "doing" things for someone--that's 1950s masculine role playing. What you want instead is simply to be in a relationship where you enjoy each other. Paying real attention to the other person is the best thing you can "do" for someone--early on. Find out who they are and how they think. And yes, further down the line, you will "do" things for each other, when one of you is sick and so forth. But "doing" isn't the focus. Let's flip this: there are women out there who are probably willing to do lots of things for you. Does that make you turned on and interested? I doubt it. You gotta flip your thinking here. Being with you--that's what you're "doing" for her. Sounds like you were working too hard "doing" things for her., thinking this would be appreciated. Actually it's the reverse: the giving gets more invested than the receiver! You can't win someone's affection. They simply see you and decide that being with you is what they want. You don't "earn" that affection other than to meet their standards for relationship. This woman liked you a lot, but she did not have a strong clear romantic interest. BTW: cut down the texting. Texting (beyond just staying in contact when you can't meet) is useless as an indicator of the health of a relationship. Phone calls would be better---better still time together.
Gaeta Posted April 13, 2023 Posted April 13, 2023 29 minutes ago, Black Cement said: Friends for like 7 years, dating 2 months. Never discussed being exclusive. I did tell her once if she was fine with me having lunch with an ex, and she said that was fine. I have a different take on this. You've been friends for 7 years so why have you not addressed exclusivity yet? You already know everything you need to know about her. She said all those nice things to you because she feels them! Women rarely will say the first l love you, we will say all sorts of nice things that means we love you but we will wait for you to say it first. If she said you mean a lot there is no reason to doubt her. So what l'm seeing is a woman who took a chance on dating a long term friend. She put her heart on the line, got no exclusivity talk so far, and a not-biyfriend-yet posting party pictures with other women. 3
ExpatInItaly Posted April 13, 2023 Posted April 13, 2023 Did you post this picutre to try to get her attention? Make her a little jealous? 3
Author Black Cement Posted April 13, 2023 Author Posted April 13, 2023 So, guess what, she finally responded. She said "you're assuming too much. I'm just spending time with my family." WTF, that's not a valid reason to ghost me for 4 days. I told her "Okayyy.. but you've just ignored me for days all of the sudden. It's doesn't take much to just reply to me when I see you posting on IG all day."
Author Black Cement Posted April 13, 2023 Author Posted April 13, 2023 3 hours ago, Gaeta said: I have a different take on this. You've been friends for 7 years so why have you not addressed exclusivity yet? You already know everything you need to know about her. She said all those nice things to you because she feels them! Women rarely will say the first l love you, we will say all sorts of nice things that means we love you but we will wait for you to say it first. If she said you mean a lot there is no reason to doubt her. So what l'm seeing is a woman who took a chance on dating a long term friend. She put her heart on the line, got no exclusivity talk so far, and a not-biyfriend-yet posting party pictures with other women. I thought about bring the topic up soon. I never said "I love you" first because I said it too soon in a past relationship and I don't want to make the same mistake. She's the one always sending the heart emojis though. BTW, it's not a party picture, it was a picture of my Boba drink with my cousin in the background on the opposite side of the table.
ExpatInItaly Posted April 13, 2023 Posted April 13, 2023 15 minutes ago, Black Cement said: I told her "Okayyy.. but you've just ignored me for days all of the sudden. It's doesn't take much to just reply to me when I see you posting on IG all day." What sort of response are you hoping for now? It seems as though your internet levels are mismatched. It might be time for you both to re-evaluate this fledgling relationship.
JTSW Posted April 13, 2023 Posted April 13, 2023 6 hours ago, Black Cement said: I’ll never what the issue is, I’m tired of trying to figure it out. I’m driving myself insane. The issue is YOU. You posted a pic of you with a girl and never put any caption like 'boba with my cousin'. What was she meant to think? She's not a clairvoyant. Flip this around and say she posted a pic of her with a guy but doesn't say who it is, you would be doing the same thing she is doing. You had the nerve to try and turn this around on her when this is all on you. 3
Wiseman2 Posted April 13, 2023 Posted April 13, 2023 (edited) 5 hours ago, Black Cement said: , dating 2 months. Never discussed being exclusive. I did tell her once if she was fine with me having lunch with an ex, and she said that was fine. This is a good time to reflect if the transition from friends to dating is working out. Since you're not exclusive both of you can still talk to and date others. She may feel it's casual and doesn't require constant contact because you're not exclusive and you're talking about seeing your ex. Try to confirm what you want and what the boundaries and communication are. This seems like a misunderstanding because you weren't even clear on why she ignored you and just assumed she's jealous of pics. Edited April 13, 2023 by Wiseman2
Gaeta Posted April 13, 2023 Posted April 13, 2023 (edited) 3 hours ago, Black Cement said: So, guess what, she finally responded. She said "you're assuming too much. I'm just spending time with my family. Trust me, l'm a woman and mother of 2 adults daughters, she saw the picture and she was pouting, she replied that to you to not appear "cligny". A woman doesn't tell a man one day he's important then act as if she doesn't care, it's an act. Now, that's enough games. Let it go, go find someone that doesn't play games AND don't play games yourself, that will help. Edited April 13, 2023 by Gaeta 2
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