I know this shouldn't bother me.

[BettyDraper]

I have not had a healthy relationship with my mother since I was a teenager. I was a well behaved child but that did not make a difference. 

She was very physically and emotionally abusive since then. My mother is never happy for me when I share positive news. She has always made it clear that I will never be good enough in her eyes. 

It's taken me years of therapy and positive relationships with others to heal some of the damage. One of the main reasons I ultimately decided not to become a mother is I am afraid that I will continue the cycle of generational trauma. I was raised by a very damaged mother. I am now very damaged and I do not want to take the change of doing the same to my children. 

Recently, my mother told me something which hurt me deeply. I am 40 years old so I should be mature enough not to let my mother's comments upset me. I guess what she said was so hurtful. 

My mother had a child before me who died a few weeks after he was born. She had me and I was a very difficult baby. I was also seriously ill during my toddler years. I am certain that my arduous beginning is one of the reasons my mom hates me so much. Of course, none of it was my fault but the actions of sick people never make sense. I say that my mother is sick only because of all the abuse she heaped on me and she bragged about it. 

Her comment was "After what happened to my baby, I didn't want any more kids but your father wanted to try again." Strangely, my mother has always treated my younger brother like gold even though she was honest with everyone in our family about wanting to abort him. Her comment was deeply disturbing but it shed light on why my mother was terrible to me. 

I just needed to get that off my chest. Thank you for reading. 

[ShyViolet]

I sympathize with you and I relate.  My father is like this and he was severely emotionally and mentally abusive my whole life.  I am roughly the same age as you.

First of all, stop continuing to put yourself down just like your mother did.  Saying "I should be mature enough not to let this bother me."  No, it has nothing to do with your maturity.  Having one's parent insult you and say hurtful things to you is going to bother you and that's a normal reaction.

Why haven't you cut your mother out of your life?  Why are you letting her continue to hurt you?  You are not obligated to keep toxic family members in your life when it's detrimental to your mental health.

[BettyDraper]

Thank you for the reminder to be kind to myself. I struggle with that. I am very hard on myself and sometimes others. 

I did cut off my mother for 3 years. I only spoke to her again because my father begged me to wish her a happy 70th birthday. 

I would love to have a relationship with my dad which doesn't require contact with my mother but he is not amenable to that. 

[stillafool]

I too wonder why you haven't cut your mother off from your life.  It was nice of you to honor your father's request to wish her a Happy B-day but you should go back to not talking to her if she still upsets you.  You shouldn't go over to their house anymore but tell your Dad he is welcomed to call or visit you whenever he can.

[ShyViolet]

43 minutes ago, BettyDraper said:

Thank you for the reminder to be kind to myself. I struggle with that. I am very hard on myself and sometimes others. 

I did cut off my mother for 3 years. I only spoke to her again because my father begged me to wish her a happy 70th birthday. 

I would love to have a relationship with my dad which doesn't require contact with my mother but he is not amenable to that. 

You and only you are in charge of your life and your mental health.  Your father doesn't get to insist that you keep an abusive person in your life.  If he demands that you stay in contact with your mother who severely abused you all your life, then he's toxic too.  You need to stop this cycle.

[Acacia98]

On 4/3/2023 at 7:27 PM, BettyDraper said:

My mother had a child before me who died a few weeks after he was born. She had me and I was a very difficult baby. I was also seriously ill during my toddler years. I am certain that my arduous beginning is one of the reasons my mom hates me so much. Of course, none of it was my fault but the actions of sick people never make sense. I say that my mother is sick only because of all the abuse she heaped on me and she bragged about it. 

Her comment was "After what happened to my baby, I didn't want any more kids but your father wanted to try again." Strangely, my mother has always treated my younger brother like gold even though she was honest with everyone in our family about wanting to abort him. Her comment was deeply disturbing but it shed light on why my mother was terrible to me.

My takeaway from reading what you wrote is that your mother chose to have you kids after you elder sibling died. Yes, she was initially reluctant to do so and your dad persuaded her, but she ultimately made the choice. If she didn't feel ready to love and care for other kids, she should have stuck to her guns. She doesn't get the right to make you feel like you were a difficult child and a burden. You had absolutely no choice in the matter.

I can't help wondering if one of the reasons why you were a "difficult" child was because the attachment process between you and her was somewhat broken. If she resented you and didn't want to mother you, it may have carried over into her treatment of you, and you may have sensed that and struggled with it, even as a baby.

I think your father is part of the problem. It sounds like he may have pressured your mum into having more kids when she was not in the right psychological state to do so. And more recently, here he is pushing you to have a relationship with your mother if you want to stay in touch with him. He doesn't sound particularly empathetic towards your mom in the first instance and towards you in the second.

[BettyDraper]

12 hours ago, Acacia98 said:

My takeaway from reading what you wrote is that your mother chose to have you kids after you elder sibling died. Yes, she was initially reluctant to do so and your dad persuaded her, but she ultimately made the choice. If she didn't feel ready to love and care for other kids, she should have stuck to her guns. She doesn't get the right to make you feel like you were a difficult child and a burden. You had absolutely no choice in the matter.

I can't help wondering if one of the reasons why you were a "difficult" child was because the attachment process between you and her was somewhat broken. If she resented you and didn't want to mother you, it may have carried over into her treatment of you, and you may have sensed that and struggled with it, even as a baby.

I think your father is part of the problem. It sounds like he may have pressured your mum into having more kids when she was not in the right psychological state to do so. And more recently, here he is pushing you to have a relationship with your mother if you want to stay in touch with him. He doesn't sound particularly empathetic towards your mom in the first instance and towards you in the second.

I did say that I was a well behaved child. I was just a loud baby and a very sick toddler. Not everyone can handle such challenges. I feel sorry for my mother. 

I agree that my mother treated me poorly because of resentment. I look like my father's family and she hates them too. They can't stand her for good reasons. My mother also hated how much my father doted on me and she would complain whenever he did something nice for me. I strongly believe that my mother is a narcissist so she sees me as competition. Any good news I share is met with nasty comments.  From now on, my mother will hear from me sporadically. My parents live in a different country and I have not seen them in years. 

My mother is jealous of me. She's jealous that I'm not tied down with kids and a cheating husband. She's jealous that I had the courage to leave my marriage and find love again. She's also jealous that I was able to return to school late in life and complete the education that she wishes she did. My mother used to always say "I wish I never married so young and had kids. I should have gone to school." Even though my mother clearly hated being a parent, she is incensed that I have elected not to have children. 

(My ex husband and I are divorced and I'm engaged. A lot has happened. More on that later.)

My father is a people pleaser and he will do anything to make my mother happy....even if it means hurting his kids. It took me a long time to forgive my father for not stepping in when my mother was terribly abusive to his children. 

[stillafool]

41 minutes ago, BettyDraper said:

My parents live in a different country and I have not seen them in years. 

Oh!  So you haven't been around or talkied to your mother in years?  What, did you father just recently ask you to call her and wish her a Happy B-Day?  If so, it's good you're no longer anywhere near her.  Don't feel guilty for not seeing or talking to her.

[Wiseman2]

52 minutes ago, BettyDraper said:

. My parents live in a different country and I have not seen them in years. 

 I'm engaged. A lot has happened. More on that later.

 Congratulations. Focus on these two things. They're far away so you don't have to interact much and your engagement. Focus on the future, you can't change the past. Try not to let a broken person haunt your happiness and future. 

Edited April 5, 2023 by Wiseman2

[stillafool]

I agree with Wiseman.  You have good things to look forward to in your life.  Just be glad your mother lives in another country and you don't have to see her.  Out to sight, out of mind.

[Acacia98]

10 hours ago, BettyDraper said:

I did say that I was a well behaved child. I was just a loud baby and a very sick toddler. Not everyone can handle such challenges. I feel sorry for my mother. 

I agree that my mother treated me poorly because of resentment. I look like my father's family and she hates them too. They can't stand her for good reasons. My mother also hated how much my father doted on me and she would complain whenever he did something nice for me. I strongly believe that my mother is a narcissist so she sees me as competition. Any good news I share is met with nasty comments.  From now on, my mother will hear from me sporadically. My parents live in a different country and I have not seen them in years. 

My mother is jealous of me. 

(..)

(My ex husband and I are divorced and I'm engaged. A lot has happened. More on that later.)

My father is a people pleaser and he will do anything to make my mother happy....even if it means hurting his kids. It took me a long time to forgive my father for not stepping in when my mother was terribly abusive to his children. 

Thanks for the clarification about what you meant by "difficult." Your mum has my sympathy for those challenges. But she loses me when she blames you, an innocent child, for her difficulties and fails to acknowledge the role she played in creating her circumstances. That is especially the case when you mention that she is angry that you chose not to have children. If she were sincere, she would have been happy for you when you chose to go back to school and not to have children. She should have been proud of you for not making the same mistakes she did.

Your father may be a people-pleaser, but he sure wasn't trying to please your mum when he pressured her to have more kids while she was still mourning. So he is capable of being self-centered and even cruel to her. Their relationship sounds pretty unhealthy.

I agree with you that your mum sounds jealous of you and like she is in competition with you. And that's unfortunate. But to your credit, you have done a lot of work to get to that point where you can recognize what is wrong with your relationships with your family and to do your bit to make good choices for yourself and to avoid passing the hurt to a new generation. I support your decision to minimize contact. And if you ultimately choose to go no contact, I support that too. Congratulations on your engagement. I wish you the best.