do I choose the man I can't get off my mind or the man that is a 'perfect' fit for me?

[synergy226]

Long story short, I am having trouble picking between two men that are both amazing but in very different ways. They are complete opposites and both having qualities I love. I met guy#1 several months ago and we both instantly felt an intense pull towards each other the moment we met. Our chemistry was out of this world. I had never felt that way about someone before. I was just so immediately drawn to him in every way possible. Unfortunately, I realized early on that we were not that compatible in terms of our lifestyle and personalities. He's very independent and career oriented where I am extremely clingy and family oriented. He had also just gotten out of a relationship so he was not consistent or ready for anything serious and because of that, he ended things with me so we wouldn't waste time. Fast forward a few weeks, I met guy#2. This guy is everything I am looking for in a man. He is extremely compatible with me. Our lifestyle, values, and personalities match up perfectly and I feel very comfortable with him. He is consistent, caring, emotionally available, clingy (just like me), extremely family oriented, and ready for something serious. The downside is that I just do not feel the initial "out of this world" chemistry with him that I felt with guy#1 even though guy#2 is everything I'm looking for in a long term partner. Guy#2 and I still have great chemistry, just not magical like it was with guy#1. Fast forward a few more weeks, guy#2 and I are now getting pretty serious and guy#1 suddenly re-enters my life wanting a second chance. Time has gone by and he is now "ready" for more commitment after realizing how much he missed being around me during our time apart. Who do I pick? Do I pick the guy I can't stop thinking about and have amazing chemistry with but not sure I can see long term with or the guy that I can envision a stable future with but don't have intense feelings of chemistry with? I also want to add that I throughout this entire time, not a day went by where I did not think about guy#1 even after months of no contact with him. I've been very happy with guy#2 but guy#1 was still always on my mind. Now that guy#1 is back....I'm not sure what to do.

[basil67]

You pick neither of them.   Guy #1 is a hot shag and may have reconsidered what he wants, but I bet he's still not compatible personality wise . And if guy #2 was so awesome, you would have ignored guy #1 when he came back.  

[Weezy1973]

I’d also say neither. That being said you’re only going to be open to finding someone compatible once guy #1 is off your mind. So perhaps going out with him will be the only way to establish how incompatible you are and give you the ability to move on. Amazing initial physical chemistry is hardly something to base a long term relationship on, but sometimes you can only learn that by experiencing it yourself. 
 

And stop being clingy. 

[Wiseman2]

42 minutes ago, synergy226 said:

 guy#1 suddenly re-enters my life wanting a second chance. 

Whenever an ex contacts you it's for their own reasons. Dry spell, just got dumped, in between partners, easy sex, etc. 

If you're ready to throw the current guy overboard for a chance with a crush, he's not the right guy either.

Try to slow down and relax. Neither one seems right for you at this time. Perhaps just stay single and date around until you find who you're looking for and most compatible with.

[JTSW]

You're not compatible with either of them.

Do they know about each other?

[Alpacalia]

Love alone isn't enough. You need compatibility. There is no substitute for compatibility. Don't gamble your time away on the notion of chemistry.

[justwhoiam]

I say you can only be with someone you're in love with. And you're not in love with guy#2. With guy#1 it might be a rollercoaster, so it's up to you if you're willing to accept that. Or he really matured. Not sure how old you both are.

[ExpatInItaly]

Neither is right for you. 

The first is very unlikely to work out in the long run because you’re fundamentally such different people. 

The second is unlikely to work out in the long run because you’re just not that attracted to him. 

 

 

[smackie9]

We get these posts all the time and the answer is always neither. Keep looking. 

[Eternal Sunshine]

if you are < 35 neither,

> 35, guy 2.

 

[NuevoYorko]

The fact that you need to pose this question to strangers on an internet forum makes it clear that you are not ready at this stage to choose either.   When you are with the person you're supposed to be with, and you are ready to be there, the overwhelming feeling you will have is just YES. 

[mark clemson]

While I'm not overmuch a fan of "red pill" views and theories, like most things there tends to be some truth to some of it, some of the time. In that vein, consider looking into "beta bucks" and whether that might fit your situation.

[Wiseman2]

On 3/28/2023 at 4:51 AM, synergy226 said:

 I just do not feel the initial "out of this world" chemistry with him that I felt with guy#1 even though guy#2 is everything I'm looking for in a long term partner. 

2 half half-right men does not equal one completely right man. So unfortunately it seems like you still haven't met 'the one'

[Maldives]

The man you can't get off your mind