Lorenza Posted March 24, 2023 Posted March 24, 2023 (edited) I met my boyfriend's child for the first time - we went to a café and later took a walk, played and had some fun before they walked me to my train and said goodbye. It went really well and the boy seemed to like me a lot! He was really sad that I was not gonna come home with them. So next time we're meeting I'm gonna come home with them to spend an evening together before leaving and the next - sleep over once etc. Just gonna do it gradually I guess. But I was wondering a bit in general - do we have to form a good loving relationship with the child for me and my boyfriend to work out? I mean, there is no guarantee that it will happen, the boy liked me now, but he's young and of course his opinions and likes change a lot, when I start spending more time with them he might have all sorts of feelings and eventually - maybe we won't even form a bond even though I would really like that to happen! Is it enough if we end up just respecting and tolerating each other? Is it enough if I'm kind and respectful to the child but we don't end up having a relationship? I guess I'm just a bit worried that my relationship with my boyfriend won't work out if I don't bond with his son and it's still a new scary territory for me. Of course, I'm gonna do my best for it to happen and the boy seems to very social and a people's person, but I understand that there is no guarantee in these kind of situations. How is it in your relationships, do you require for your partner to create a great bond with your children or do you keep things a bit separate? Do you dump someone if your children dislike them for no huge reason, just not vibing well? Edited March 24, 2023 by Lorenza
Wiseman2 Posted March 24, 2023 Posted March 24, 2023 17 minutes ago, Lorenza said: I guess I'm just a bit worried that my relationship with my boyfriend won't work out if I don't bond with his son and it's still a new scary territory for me. Take it one step at a time. While his child is a priority, of course, a 5 year old can't really make adult decisions. You're doing the right thing getting along with the child slowly but surely. Your relationship has quite a few challenges including distance and his battles with the child's mother, so a 5 year olds impression isn't really the hurdle. Is this the same man?:
Author Lorenza Posted March 24, 2023 Author Posted March 24, 2023 (edited) 18 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Take it one step at a time. While his child is a priority, of course, a 5 year old can't really make adult decisions. You're doing the right thing getting along with the child slowly but surely. Your relationship has quite a few challenges including distance and his battles with the child's mother, so a 5 year olds impression isn't really the hurdle. Is this the same man?: I have just gotten a job and moving there (separate apartment) in April, so the distance is not gonna be the problem anymore. The child's mother has also calmed down and is now acting normal. Edited March 24, 2023 by Lorenza 1
JTSW Posted March 24, 2023 Posted March 24, 2023 I've been here. My husband had a 3 yr old son when I met him. It was hard at first because even though the boy liked me, it was a little hard for us to bond. It never affected my relationship with my husband though. We were all doing the best we could. It was a few years before we actually began to bond. As he grew older we grew closer. He's 24 now and I love him like he is my own son. 2
Wiseman2 Posted March 24, 2023 Posted March 24, 2023 3 minutes ago, Lorenza said: , so the distance is not gonna be the problem anymore. The child's mother has also calmed down and is now acting normal. Ok then things are improving and all you can do is take your time letting his child get used to you and warm up to you.
Gaeta Posted March 24, 2023 Posted March 24, 2023 (edited) Bonding happens over time. If the child likes you than the rest will unfold naturally. He will not stop liking you for no reasons. If you are not a parent your worries are normal, children are (most the time) simple, smile at them, give them your full attention when they talk, a small gift once in a while as small at $5 but shows you thought of him, ask about his friends at school, what game he likes to play, etc. My bf has 3 children 14-6-3. I met them a couple of times and they're all excited about this new lady their daddy is dating. I always insist that our time spent together is synonym of fun like going to the zoo, kids park, etc. In between seeing them my bf will video call me when he's with them so we can build on that familiarity. His 6 yo gets a kick out of it, when she sees her dad she'll ask if they can videocall me. Just be open and sincere, children are like filters, they detect if you are genuine or fake. Edited March 24, 2023 by Gaeta
smackie9 Posted March 24, 2023 Posted March 24, 2023 Every situation/experience will be different....you are just gonna have to take it as it comes, and make choices then.
BaileyB Posted March 24, 2023 Posted March 24, 2023 11 hours ago, Lorenza said: next time we're meeting I'm gonna come home with them to spend an evening together before leaving and the next - sleep over once etc. Just gonna do it gradually I guess. That’s not gradual. 11 hours ago, Lorenza said: do we have to form a good loving relationship with the child for me and my boyfriend to work out? Is it enough if we end up just respecting and tolerating each other? Is it enough if I'm kind and respectful to the child but we don't end up having a relationship? From experience, yes. You are not going to have the same kind of relationship with the child that his father shares with him, or his mother. And your relationship will most definitely change over time - I’m sure many parents will say that there is a time when their children are teens where they work to maintain a kind and respectful relationship toward each other. That said, I think you are getting way, way ahead of yourself… it will take years to build a relationship with his son - not something you want to rush.
ExpatInItaly Posted March 24, 2023 Posted March 24, 2023 11 hours ago, Lorenza said: Is it enough if we end up just respecting and tolerating each other? Is it enough if I'm kind and respectful to the child but we don't end up having a relationship? Only your boyfriend can answer that for you. Everyone's standard will be different and the only one that really matters in this scenario is his. 1
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