Had a Stupid Drunk Conversation with my BF's Friend and Now my Relationship is Straining

[HarmonyWilson]

Hi everyone, bear with me here because this is going to be a long one!
 

To give some background, I (23F) have been with my boyfriend (24M) for about 3.5 years. I love him to the ends of the earth and there is nothing I wouldn’t do for him. We started dating in college for the first part of our relationship, did long distance for about 10 months last year, and have now been living together since August. 
 

My boyfriends friends have always welcomed me into their group, so i know them all very well and have seen them at their worst/grossest since college. His best friend in particular, we’ll call him Josh, used to hangout with us all the time and 3rd wheel. Last year my boyfriend moved away for graduate school while Josh and I were finishing our last year of undergrad. Josh and I would still hangout WITH other people always. We were always in groups with mutual friends and still that was only once every few weeks. We hardly ever texted/talked to eachother outside of that group setting or when my boyfriend came to visit. And when we did talk, it was usually me helping him hookup with other girls. I have never felt any sort of attraction or feelings for Josh. I am completely head over heels for my boyfriend and I would never, ever cheat on him. 
 

One night, Josh’s group of friends and my group of friends went out to a bar together. One of my friends made a joke that people thought my boyfriend and I had a weird threesome thing going on with Josh because of how close we were and how often we would hangout. I was insanely drunk, so this really surprised me. Long story short, I ended up pulling Josh aside and asking him, mostly jokingly, if he would ever have a threesome with my boyfriend and I. I was surprised by his response which was basically “talk to [my bf] about it, but yeah I would consider it.” I was not expecting this response from him, so even though I was joking initially I guess I considered it for like half a second and said “I guess if we were to do that you would be the guy.” What I meant by this was that we were already all so comfortable with eachother that even though I didn’t feel attraction to Josh, it would make sense that he would be the guy.  The entire conversation lasted about 2 minutes and nothing else happened, we went back to our friends and my friends and I helped hook him up with a girl at the club. 

The next morning, I woke up extremely embarrassed and disgusted. I had never, EVER wanted a threesome with Josh or ANYONE else, and I still do not. I was so confused why I would even think about that let alone say it out loud when it’s something I don’t want at all. It was nothing more than a very drunk, intrusive thought I had based on the comments made by my friends, and because of how drunk I was I had no filter so I blurted it out as a joke. I wasn’t expecting the joke to turn into a conversation. I texted Josh immediately that next morning explained all of this to him very clearly. I told him that I love my boyfriend endlessly and would never want to open our relationship in that way, and that it was just a drunk and stupid thought. Josh said he completely understood and that he figured I was just really drunk and messing around because it was very out of character for me. We never spoke of it again after that conversation and everything went back to normal.

I should have told my boyfriend immediately. My biggest regret to this day is that I never did. I asked Josh not to tell him because I was genuinely trying to think of a way to tell him myself so that it came from me. But I just never told him. There are no excuses for that, but I guess my thinking was how stressed he was in grad school at the time and with us being long distance I was scared to stress him out even more when I knew there was nothing to worry about. And the more time that passed, the harder it became for me to bring up, so I just never did.

This incident happened a year and a half ago, and I honestly had kind of forgotten it. Flash forward to this past weekend, my boyfriend and I went on a spring break trip with all of his college buddies including Josh. Josh ended up telling my boyfriend about the situation while we were drunk at a club. He told my boyfriend that he should break up with me. He also fabricated the conversation that we had and threw in details/lies of things I never even said. Josh told my boyfriend that in that conversation I said I had been “watching videos” and that this was something I had been thinking about/planning for a while. That was a complete lie because I had never even considered a threesome before that drunken moment, and I have never and will never want one. I confronted Josh about this infront of my boyfriend and he was like “oh yeah, sorry I guess I was thinking about something else you said.” I also asked Josh if I have ever given him any reason to believe I would want that or that I am attracted to him or have any feelings for him. He agreed that I’ve never given him that impression before and I’ve never acted as anything more than a friend toward him other than that one question.

My boyfriend is understandably devastated. Now he thinks that I have feelings for and am attracted to Josh when that could not be further from the truth. He’s understandably concerned that there is more to the story and that more has happened between Josh and I. When my boyfriend first confronted me about this the morning after Josh talked to him, I immediately let him look through my phone and all of my messages to try and prove to him that nothing has ever happened with Josh and nothing would ever happen with him because I do not see him in that way at all.

I think what hurts my boyfriend the most is that I never told him about it. It’s a year and a half later and he had to hear about it from his friend who exaggerated/lied in parts of the story. I told him how much I regret not telling him and explained why I didn’t. I told him he can look through my phone as much as he needs to, I told him I’ll stop talking to any of his friends. I explained to him that it was just an insanely drunk thought that I blurted out. I explained to him it’s not something I’ve ever wanted or considered. I also explained to him that when I was asking Josh, I wasn’t thinking about sex with Josh. In that very brief minute I was thinking about something new/potentially spicy for OUR relationship. But I completely understand his concern and if the roles were reversed I would be worried too, especially where mine and Josh’s sides of the story are not completely lining up.

My boyfriend said that as upset as he is, he still loves me and wants to work through this. I told him I will do anything it takes, he can have full access to my phone whenever he wants, he can ask me as many questions as many times as he needs. I asked him if he would like to try couples therapy to have a professional help us work through this, so we are going to begin researching that as well.

I don’t know what else to do, I wish I could show him my intentions that night and that I have never and would never, ever do anything even remotely resembling cheating, especially with his best friend. He’s still not sure he believes everything I’m saying and I do understand that, but I’m telling him the complete truth and I don’t know how else to make him see that and trust me. I hate seeing him so heartbroken over this, he doesn’t deserve it at all. I have told him that I never drink as much as I did that night, and I was so confused on why I would say something that I genuinely don’t mean. Since then I don’t really drink anymore because I’m scared of ever seeing that side of myself/losing control in that sense again.

Any advice on anything else I can do to reassure my boyfriend and help him through this would be much appreciated.

[FMW]

I'm sure others might disagree, but I don't believe that we say or do things when we're drunk that aren't rooted in truth.  We manage our thoughts and feelings when we're sober, but that doesn't mean there isn't something under the surface that can pop up when our inhibitions are lowered.  

It's natural to be attracted to other people sometimes, but if you would never imagine the possibility of something happening you wouldn't talk about it, especially not with that person.  Knowing that you had this conversation with his friend is a lot for your boyfriend to process.  Imagine if the roles were reversed and it was your boyfriend and a female friend of yours that had that conversation.  What would it take for you to move past it?

I think now you let your boyfriend decide how he wants to handle this.  Don't initiate conversations about it yourself, you've explained your position, now give him time and space.  If he asks questions then you answer, but don't bring it up yourself.

[ExpatInItaly]

I don't think you're being honest with yourself, OP. And your boyfriend knows it. 

I don't mean that you necessarily wanted an actual threesome with Josh, but rather that you were indeed attracted to him on some level.  You had to have been to even come up with a suggestion like that, regardless of how drunk you were. I don't buy for a minute that you never felt anything at all for Josh and randomly suggested sex with you and your boyfriend. That doesn't add up, and I believe if you are being totally honest with youself, you know that too. People don't generally proposition other people they have zero attraction towards even if they have had too much to drink. 

Unfortunately, you have done all you can at this point. Your boyfriend may or may not let go of it. It's up to him now to either accept your explanation, or let go of you and this relationship. Let him have some time to process. You might not get the result you want here, but it's out of your hands now. I'm sorry. 

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, HarmonyWilson said:

 have now been living together since August. 

Sorry this happened. It's good you're addressing the problem drinking. You don't have to let your BF go through your phone. The real problem is you're still way too close to Josh. You confide in him way too much and hang out with him way too much. 

Let the dust settle. Either your BF will come to terms with the incident or not. Right now he feels betrayed. 

[JTSW]

Josh is not a friend to either of you if he actively tried to ruin your relationship with lies.

It's obvious he's always more than just a friendly interest in you.

As someone said, inhibitions are lowered when you're drunk and the truth comes out.

I can see you truly and completely love your BF.

I think your best bet is to never have any association with Josh again.

Block his number.

[HarmonyWilson]

10 hours ago, FMW said:

I'm sure others might disagree, but I don't believe that we say or do things when we're drunk that aren't rooted in truth.  We manage our thoughts and feelings when we're sober, but that doesn't mean there isn't something under the surface that can pop up when our inhibitions are lowered.  

It's natural to be attracted to other people sometimes, but if you would never imagine the possibility of something happening you wouldn't talk about it, especially not with that person.  Knowing that you had this conversation with his friend is a lot for your boyfriend to process.  Imagine if the roles were reversed and it was your boyfriend and a female friend of yours that had that conversation.  What would it take for you to move past it?

I think now you let your boyfriend decide how he wants to handle this.  Don't initiate conversations about it yourself, you've explained your position, now give him time and space.  If he asks questions then you answer, but don't bring it up yourself.

I understand what you're saying and as a stranger who doesn't know any of us, I get why you think there may be some subconscious attraction here or something. But I have never even for a moment felt any sort of attraction to this guy. He is not physically my type, and I have seen him with far too many women to understand how immature he is and how disrespectful he can be towards women. That alone is a huge turnoff and has always given me kind of a negative view on him.

I went to a couple of therapy sessions after this happened to try and understand why I would say something like that, something I have never wanted or thought about sober. His group of friends are pretty horrible, sexist guys who say disgusting things about women. Since they view me as "part of the group," they have had no issue saying these horrible things in front of me. I've been there countless times when one of them hookup with or start seeing a new girl, and the other guys start teasing him over how "fat" and "ugly" she is and just saying terrible, terrible things about their appearances when in my eyes they were attractive women. This is something that has always bothered my boyfriend as well and he's told me he's started to drift from them because of their immaturity. I think part of me is terrified that they say those things to my boyfriend about me when I'm not around. I'm a deeply insecure person, and the thought has crossed my mind many times while I was sober and it makes me scared that they could have some impact on how he sees me. I know that wouldn't happen because we have been together for so long and he has always expressed how attracted he is to me and how much he loves me. But still, I think in some weird way I may have been looking for validation from Josh that they (specifically him since he is closest with my boyfriend) do find me attractive and therefore wouldn't say those things about me. I am a psych/neuroscience major and I completely understand subconscious thoughts and attractions and how they can surface when alcohol lowers those inhibitions. But I also understand how alcohol chemically alters our brains to make us say and do things we would never, ever say or do sober. This is why I have since stopped drinking to that extent because I know now that when I get past a certain point I have the potential to say or do something I would never actually think, say, or believe while sober.

[HarmonyWilson]

7 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I don't think you're being honest with yourself, OP. And your boyfriend knows it. 

I don't mean that you necessarily wanted an actual threesome with Josh, but rather that you were indeed attracted to him on some level.  You had to have been to even come up with a suggestion like that, regardless of how drunk you were. I don't buy for a minute that you never felt anything at all for Josh and randomly suggested sex with you and your boyfriend. That doesn't add up, and I believe if you are being totally honest with youself, you know that too. People don't generally proposition other people they have zero attraction towards even if they have had too much to drink. 

Unfortunately, you have done all you can at this point. Your boyfriend may or may not let go of it. It's up to him now to either accept your explanation, or let go of you and this relationship. Let him have some time to process. You might not get the result you want here, but it's out of your hands now. I'm sorry. 

Please see my response to FMW, I meant to respond to you. Wanted to add that in the moment the reason I asked Josh specifically was not because I was attracted to him, but because I felt he was probably the one guy my boyfriend would feel comfortable with if this were something I would want to do. And again, in that moment the only reason I was considering if it was something I would want to try is because my friends had made that comment. I actually felt safe asking him BECAUSE I knew I wasn't attracted to him and it wouldn't get complicated with any sort of feelings or anything like that on my end. (That backfired, obviously, because now it looks like the opposite).The reason I thought this is because aside from how close they are, they had jokingly kissed in front of me one time (not like making out or anything, just a brief kiss because they were teasing about how girls kiss each other when drunk). 

[HarmonyWilson]

5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. It's good you're addressing the problem drinking. You don't have to let your BF go through your phone. The real problem is you're still way too close to Josh. You confide in him way too much and hang out with him way too much. 

Let the dust settle. Either your BF will come to terms with the incident or not. Right now he feels betrayed. 

I told my boyfriend I will do whatever it takes, I let him go through my phone and will probably continue to let him do so because I truly have nothing to hide. I also told him I am more than happy to cut Josh and any of his friends out of my life altogether. They are not important to me, he is. I know Josh and I hung out and talked a lot, but our conversations were always about girls he was seeing and his relationship problems. And we have never hung out one-on-one, only ever in groups. 

I'm angry because even though I was very drunk, I remember what I said and what he said, and Josh is telling my boyfriend that I said things that were never even said. For example, he's telling my boyfriend that I said I had "seen a video" earlier that day or week and "this was something I had been thinking about for a while." Those words never came out of my mouth and I don't understand why he would say that. I'm angry because I have confronted him about his elaborations on the story directly infront of my boyfriend, and when I call him out on the parts that aren't the truth he just agrees with me like "oh yeah you're right you probably didn't say that." It's infuriating because this is something that is putting my entire relationship at risk and I'm trying to be as honest with my boyfriend as I possibly can, and it seems like Josh is trying to twist things when talking to my boyfriend, but when I confront him about it he admits what he said was wrong. Even my boyfriend admitted to me this morning that I have never given him any reason not to trust me, but Josh HAS. I even asked Josh (again, in front of my boyfriend) if I have ever given him any reason outside of that one moment to believe that I would be attracted to him in any way. He admitted that I have not ever given him that inclination. And yet I still feel like it's his word over mine. I understand why my boyfriend is trying to straighten out details with Josh, given that I was the one that approached him. But I'm frustrated that Josh is elaborating on his side of the story with things that were not said and I feel like my words hold no value.

I just don't know what else to do to prove to my boyfriend that this was nothing more than a stupid drunk comment regarding a thought that had never existed prior to, or after, that moment. I know that I have probably done all that I can and I probably just need to wait this out and talk to him as much as he needs, but I feel like even that is pointless if Josh is going to say things that never happened in that conversation.

[smackie9]

. Look it's pretty obvious this Josh has been mackin on ya for quite sometime. He found opportunity to break you two apart so he can have a stab at you. He's a total wiener. You two need to punt Josh to the curb. IMO you don't need to prove anything to your BF. I would accuse Josh of having eyes for you and that would be the only reason why he would stir up things between you and your BF. Do that in front of your BF ...see the reaction. 

Edited March 23, 2023 by smackie9

[HarmonyWilson]

23 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

. Look it's pretty obvious this Josh has been mackin on ya for quite sometime. He found opportunity to break you two apart so he can have a stab at you. He's a total wiener. You two need to punt Josh to the curb. IMO you don't need to prove anything to your BF. 

I do remember that when I asked him about the threesome he took the conversation in a different direction for a moment and said something along the lines of "yeah I mean obviously if you weren't with [my boyfriend] then I would have gone for you anyways," and I remember very clearly being shocked by that and taking a moment to be like "seriously?" And by "seriously" I meant like "ok why are you saying that" not "Oh I'm so happy to hear that. " That is when I ended the conversation immediately and went back to my friends because I felt extremely uncomfortable as that was not my intention of the conversation. I had simply in that moment been curious if my boyfriend and I ever wanted a threesome if Josh would be down. And he tried to remove my boyfriend from the conversation and the second that happened (after my initial shock and "really??" moment) I ended the conversation and went back to my friends. 

So I guess this is a possibility. But he's never been flirty with me or anything other than the occasional compliment on a picture or something, but even that has never been anything really weird and I had never read into it as being anything more than complimenting a friend. If he is trying to break us apart, I think he would have brought this up to my boyfriend much sooner. But maybe he did see the threesome conversation as an opportunity or as me being attracted to him which I completely understand, I probably would too if the roles were reversed. Which is exactly why I talked to him immediately the next day to clarify my intentions and explain that I was just really drunk and blurted out a thought that had been brought up by my friends. He said he totally understood and figured I wasn't being serious because that was so out of character for me and I had never given him that impression. Clearly he did not understand and I wish he had been honest with me sooner because I would have made sure we were 100% on the same page instead of just taking his word for it. I'm just upset that he's making it seem like it was so much more than it was and twisting words/adding details that were never there. But at this point no matter what it's just going to be my word against his and that's so upsetting.

Edited March 23, 2023 by HarmonyWilson

[mark clemson]

It sounds like your BF wants to get past this. Since nothing actually happened and everyone confirms this, that should be doable. He will either have the emotional maturity to get past it and recognize it was just a moment of drunken weirdness for you or he won't. I think your chances are good.

It sounds like detaching from your friend group was starting to happen anyway, so that may make things easier. It's not unusual for a couple in a LTR (assuming that happens with him) to gradually shift out of their friend group from their 20's, e.g. when they start to "get serious" about building a life together.

[HarmonyWilson]

36 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

It sounds like your BF wants to get past this. Since nothing actually happened and everyone confirms this, that should be doable. He will either have the emotional maturity to get past it and recognize it was just a moment of drunken weirdness for you or he won't. I think your chances are good.

It sounds like detaching from your friend group was starting to happen anyway, so that may make things easier. It's not unusual for a couple in a LTR (assuming that happens with him) to gradually shift out of their friend group from their 20's, e.g. when they start to "get serious" about building a life together.

I hope so. He keeps reassuring me that he still loves me, he just needs to process for a while and to continue asking questions about the details of the conversation when he starts feeling overwhelmed again. I told him I'm happy to talk to him about it as much as he needs to and to answer whatever questions he has. I think we will get through this too, even with some outside help from a counselor if needed. It's just scary. I take full responsibility for my mistake in initiating that conversation and for not telling him about it, but it hurts being accused of things that never happened beyond that.

I've been hoping he would outgrow these friends for a while. He is very different from them so I've never understood why he would want to be around people like this. All of their conversations center around sexist, racist, disgusting "jokes" and saying terrible things about other people. He admitted to me the very first day of this trip that he felt weird being around them and like he's really outgrowing them, so I think even before all of this happened he was able to recognize that his friends aren't really great people.

[Lotsgoingon]

You would say such a thing because you're human. 

One thing you will learn is that you have to be really careful about hanging with partner's friends. I mean REALLY careful. 

I say forgive yourself and move on. But I also challenge you: really assume you are good and now ask yourself whether you have ANY attraction to bf's friend. And ask yourself whether you're curious about a threesome. BTW: it's entirely "normal" to find a partner's friend to be attractive. From there, it's matter of control and setting limits with yourself. 

Sounds to me that you liked joking about a threesome, more than having some hidden desire for a threesome.  Crossing the line is how we really learn where the line is and how to keep ourselves on the right side of the line. Seriously, all the good boundaries I have now are based on mistakes in the past I made. 

It's one thing to intellectually have the boundaries--but experiences like the one you're is really what helps us harden boundaries. 

You're human--humans will do dumb stuff. But you didn't cheat or come close to cheating. 

 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, HarmonyWilson said:

 my boyfriend admitted to me this morning that I have never given him any reason not to trust me, but Josh HAS.

Good you cut out Josh and his people. Stop talking to him. Let the dust settle and stop proving. Don't fall into the "The lady doth protest too much, methinks"  trap by overexplaining or over-proving. 

[HarmonyWilson]

1 hour ago, Lotsgoingon said:

You would say such a thing because you're human. 

One thing you will learn is that you have to be really careful about hanging with partner's friends. I mean REALLY careful. 

I say forgive yourself and move on. But I also challenge you: really assume you are good and now ask yourself whether you have ANY attraction to bf's friend. And ask yourself whether you're curious about a threesome. BTW: it's entirely "normal" to find a partner's friend to be attractive. From there, it's matter of control and setting limits with yourself. 

Sounds to me that you liked joking about a threesome, more than having some hidden desire for a threesome.  Crossing the line is how we really learn where the line is and how to keep ourselves on the right side of the line. Seriously, all the good boundaries I have now are based on mistakes in the past I made. 

It's one thing to intellectually have the boundaries--but experiences like the one you're is really what helps us harden boundaries. 

You're human--humans will do dumb stuff. But you didn't cheat or come close to cheating. 

 

Thanks so much for this, I really appreciate it. I've done so much "introspection" lately to try and determine if I do have some secret hidden attraction for this friend and I just don't. Same thing with wanting a threesome, I have never wanted that with my boyfriend or any of my relationships. And I have never wanted it with Josh or anyone else and the thought still grosses me out. To me it was simply a drunk moment, I said something stupid and crossed a line and that was the end of it on my end.

Like you said, I know now where to draw the line both with his friends and with my alcohol consumption. I think I just felt too comfortable with his friends in general because of the kinds of things they said when I was around, how much we all hang out together, and the way they genuinely treat me like I'm just part of the group. But now I know I need to distance myself and remember that they are not my friends at the end of the day, they are HIS friends. And this one friend in particular I need to either cut off entirely or put a lot of distance between if he can't understand the situation from my perspective and intentions.

Edited March 23, 2023 by HarmonyWilson

[HarmonyWilson]

9 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Good you cut out Josh and his people. Stop talking to him. Let the dust settle and stop proving. Don't fall into the "The lady doth protest too much, methinks"  trap by overexplaining or over-proving. 

Thank you, I've been trying not to over explain or sound too defensive while also trying to explain my side and provide my boyfriend with the information he needs to understand and process this. It's just hard not to get defensive when he is being told a dramatized version of the story from his friend.

[Lotsgoingon]

Here's the thing: no need to overly work on distancing yourself from his friends--unless that is your agenda for other reasons. 

You'll now have good boundaries and know how to handle yourself with these folks if you want (emphasize YOU want) to spend time with them.

The fact that you're agonizing over this matter shows to me that you have good boundaries and morals.  

BTW: it is a skill to hang with people loose enough to have to fun ... and not so loose that we get into trouble.  This experience is just like a vaccine (not to get political--we don't have to mean a particular vaccine but let's take an ideal hypothetical vaccine).Triggers an immune response that strengthens the immune system against a particular problem.

Your immune system will be up and ready for situations like this. But yes, watch the drinking. No need to assume you can't trust yourself. 

 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

7 hours ago, HarmonyWilson said:

I actually felt safe asking him BECAUSE I knew I wasn't attracted to him

That makes zero sense.

I have read your explanations, and I'm sorry to say that none of it rings true. You're twisting yourself into preztels trying to explain this away in a very over-complicated manner, when it's really not that deep. You were kind of attracted to Josh and wanted to know if he was attracted enough to you to sleep with you. 

It doesn't require therapy or a background in psychology or neuroscience to understand. You simply over-stepped a boundary, realized your mistake, but unfortunately got busted for it later. Rather than getting into convoluted analyses, promise your boyfriend it won't happen again and leave it there. It's up to him to decide if he can get past this. 

Edited March 23, 2023 by ExpatInItaly

[IrinaM]

7 hours ago, HarmonyWilson said:

He is very different from them so I've never understood why he would want to be around people like this. All of their conversations center around sexist, racist, disgusting "jokes" and saying terrible things about other people.

 

These people sound incredibly trashy. And there's a very easy-to-see explanation for why he likes being all crewed up with these other dudes: they have the same values and morals. Plain as day.

Personally I see way bigger problems here than the drunken-threesome-comment.

[NuevoYorko]

My opinion is that your relationship is very burdened by excess drinking, sketchy people and sleazy behavior.   It doesn't seem like an environment where any healthy relationship could flourish.