MsJayne Posted March 22, 2023 Posted March 22, 2023 If you keep attracting similar personality types, women with "mental illnesses", (I think what you mean is women with a past involving abuse/trauma/neglect, and that's not a mental illness, that's the result of women being abused, very often by men), then it's likely that you put out the caring and understanding vibe. But when you do the caring and understanding thing to the point that it becomes patronising it wears thin pretty quick because it is in fact a form of sexism, and being subjected to sexism, or any 'ism', can be enough to make sane people run for their life. You're labeling these women as mentally ill and that would come across in the way you communicate with them, they would quickly pick up on your attitude towards them, so proof of their sanity is that they decide they don't want to be around someone who interacts with them as if they're defective. 3
Lotsgoingon Posted March 22, 2023 Posted March 22, 2023 (edited) Often the case (not always) is that a person who feels attracted to women with serious trauma either had some serious trauma in their past and/or you had a low-functioning parent or sibling around, maybe multiple low-functioning family members. And growing up with them, you normalized the low functioning and trauma, which is great, it's what families can do. Families can avoid stigmatizing people who get stigmatized out in the world. But if you grow up in a family of traumatized and low-functioning people, what that means is that you can easily become accustomed to and comfortable with the energy and vibe of traumatized and low functioning folks. So you may be attracted to them emotionally without any deliberate thought involved. The challenge here is that who wants to admit that mom or dad or sister or bro was really low-functioning? That's one possibility. Another possibility is that you are being too laid back and non-assertive in dating. You're not announcing that you want confident people who, if they have trauma, have worked through that in therapy or whatever. You might be going into listening mode, empathetic listening mode too much on your early dates. Which btw is a way of hiding. What you might need to do is talk more about your dreams and goals and get your values and interests out there. And that way you screen for people who are interested in you and catch match your goals and values, and energy. This will scare people away--and that's fine. Because the people you scare away are people who don't like or value your values and interests and energy. You may be unconsciously thinking of dating as a chance to fit with someone and mesh with someone. And so you're counterpunching and reacting. But dating is mainly a chance to screen out people you don't fit well with. Your standards for a second and third date might be too low. Edited March 22, 2023 by Lotsgoingon 2 1
Author Scotty Riggs Posted March 23, 2023 Author Posted March 23, 2023 A person who has a long history of depression, low self-esteem and attraction to abusers, who was hospitalized amidst a trauma bond that she still hasn’t escaped (a hospitalization caused by drug abuse, according to her doctor), probably suffers mental illness. A person with bipolar disorder who, among other incidents, snuck off from the tavern we were at and rode off in a total stranger’s car at 2am hoping to find cocaine, probably suffers mental illness. A person who has no remaining family ties, legally changed her name to sound like a fantasy novel character, and told me every dark detail of her past while asking me to screw her on the first date, probably suffers mental illness. Nothing I just described could have been anticipated before meeting them, and I’m not sorry for making these assessments of them. I also come from a simple, modest background that doesn’t reflect these kinds of behaviors/pathologies, which is why I struggle to understand how they’re so prevalent in my dating life. 23 hours ago, MsJayne said: When you do the caring and understanding thing to the point that it becomes patronising it wears thin pretty quick because it is in fact a form of sexism, and being subjected to sexism, or any 'ism', can be enough to make sane people run for their life. You're labeling these women as mentally ill and that would come across in the way you communicate with them, they would quickly pick up on your attitude towards them. Thank you, but these sound like major assumptions about my character. I am kind, but I’m not sexist or patronizing. We judge character in hindsight, so no, I'm not labeling them in real time or being sickeningly sweet to them. On 3/22/2023 at 12:20 PM, stillafool said: If you deal with depression yourself and are only turned on by moody and depressed women is there any joy in these relationships? I love good-natured teasing, laughing and playfulness. I’m simply saying I’m drawn to “old soul” introverts, which might overlap with depressives. 2
Author Scotty Riggs Posted March 23, 2023 Author Posted March 23, 2023 22 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said: Another possibility is that you are being too laid back and non-assertive in dating. You're not announcing that you want confident people who, if they have trauma, have worked through that in therapy or whatever. You might be going into listening mode, empathetic listening mode too much on your early dates. Which btw is a way of hiding. What you might need to do is talk more about your dreams and goals and get your values and interests out there. And that way you screen for people who are interested in you and catch match your goals and values, and energy. This will scare people away--and that's fine. Because the people you scare away are people who don't like or value your values and interests and energy. Thank you for the extensive response. There could be truth in this, but some of your suggestions are hard to follow. My parents aren't perfect, but I don't think they're low-functioning. My dad's very hardworking but was hands off on with us, and they didn't instill confidence. I don't know how to "announce" that I want confident women. I don't feel men are in a the position to make demands like women are. I state my personality on my dating profile, and I meet women with an open mind. I treat first dates as casual and fun, and I assume most people do. I almost never have a second date, usually because I'm not interested (not always). I don't expect some intense chemistry--I just want a healthy level of intellectual and physical attraction, relatability, and a genuine interest in getting to know them.
MsJayne Posted March 23, 2023 Posted March 23, 2023 47 minutes ago, Scotty Riggs said: Thank you, but these sound like major assumptions about my character. I am kind, but I’m not sexist or patronizing. We judge character in hindsight, so no, I'm not labeling them in real time or being sickeningly sweet to them. So, are you saying that after your involvement with these women comes to an end, you then come to the conclusion that they have mental illnesses?
Author Scotty Riggs Posted March 23, 2023 Author Posted March 23, 2023 21 minutes ago, MsJayne said: So, are you saying that after your involvement with these women comes to an end, you then come to the conclusion that they have mental illnesses? Please read the examples cited.
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