I'm always a rebound for mentally ill women

[Scotty Riggs]

For the last decade, I've experienced a painful dating pattern: women with apparent mental illness and severe trauma, usually on a rebound. 

I meet women on dating apps, so there are no clear red flags. We often have mutual interests and values, and sometimes physical attraction. The first date sometimes reveals enough for me to abort, but other times, we date for weeks or months and have great times together before they reveal their circumstance and pathology, and ultimately dump me.

In dating profiles, I present myself as introspective, easy going, comedic and artistic but also direct and decisive. I'm proud of these traits, which my dating partners usually share, and I see no reason to pretend to be someone else. I'm attracted to introverted, creative types, and I simply want to find someone to share my life with, and for us to compliment each other.

But I have no clue how to break this cycle. The rate of women I meet in this circumstance is astonishing. Save for the mundane one-off dates where I simply don't reciprocate a seemingly "normal" woman's interest/attraction to me, the pathological rebound has defined much of my dating life.

My female friends remark on my handsomeness, and I think it's safe to say I'm intelligent and genetically gifted. I grew up shy, but with age, I've become more socially confident, talking to strangers in public, and using positive body language. But I still struggle with a sense of hopelessness and alienation. My most recent "situationship" was with a depressed woman struggling with a trauma bond to her abusive ex, from which I'm still recovering. I recently crossed her in public, and painfully, she could barely acknowledge me.

The easy advice would be to simply move slower or dump women once a red flag shows up, but that wouldn't stop the cycle of encountering these same types. I've begun counseling and I'm getting more involved in community activities to socialize more, but I'm at a loss as to how to avoid this pattern.

[Gaeta]

It's important to date people that are not freshly out of a relationship. I usually would not date men that are not at least 2 years single.

[Weezy1973]

44 minutes ago, Scotty Riggs said:

I'm at a loss as to how to avoid this pattern.

Do you find these relationships are intense and full on right from the beginning? That’s usually a something to be wary of as it can indicate a trauma response which you’ve mentioned. But if you’re getting yourself into these relationships consistently perhaps there’s trauma on your past as well that you have to work through. 

[Wiseman2]

53 minutes ago, Scotty Riggs said:

 I've begun counseling and I'm getting more involved in community activities to socialize more, but I'm at a loss as to how to avoid this pattern.

This is a great step in understanding the attraction to drama and broken women. Perhaps take a break and yes, cut your losses sooner.

[basil67]

Have all these woman been professionally diagnosed with mental illnesses?  Or is this your own interpretation of their behaviour?

[Scotty Riggs]

10 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Have all these woman been professionally diagnosed with mental illnesses?  Or is this your own interpretation of their behaviour?

I can confidently say they all have childhood wounds, and/or a history of disorder, save for one rebound. For example, my ex long-term partner attempted suicide as a teen and has numerous self-harm scars. My most recent courtship had depression/anxiety issues since her youth, was attracted to abusive men, and expressed a need to see a "shrink"
in the fallout of her breakup.

9 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

This is a great step in understanding the attraction to drama and broken women. Perhaps take a break and yes, cut your losses sooner.

  Thank you. I have a gentle demeanor and gravitate towards that. However, I may be attracted to "moody" or depressive women. 

18 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

Do you find these relationships are intense and full on right from the beginning? That’s usually a something to be wary of as it can indicate a trauma response which you’ve mentioned. But if you’re getting yourself into these relationships consistently perhaps there’s trauma on your past as well that you have to work through. 

I wouldn't say it's usually intense. I generally don't anticipate sex until a month in, but I've only had three courtships that lasted that long. Two were rebounds, the other was just someone to be with while I was depressed. I've never been "in love." Conversely, in my 20s, I met a troubled woman who spilled her life to me, and we had sex on the first date. It flamed out within days. It was confusing and painful, but I encountered this type again last year and evaded. 

Even just texting with a woman earlier this month, I was frustrated to find her obsessive Instagram posts about "self healing," PTSD and severe personal issues. She suddenly stopped responding to me, which was annoying but ultimately fine with me. But this pattern of wounded women is baffling.

[Alpacalia]

Take a step back and evaluate your overall approach to dating and relationships.

Focus on getting to know someone slowly, rather than focusing solely on attraction or shared interests.

It is rude to refer to someone with a mental illness as "broken." 

Choose your words carefully and think before you speak.

If you don't feel secure or comfortable with someone, don't continue the relationship.

[Johnjohnson2017]

How old are you? My guess you are over 35. A lot of single people over 35 struggle with depression unfortunately, men and women. To be single, they have endured tough breakups, had their hearts broken, were dumped/cheated on, probably are unsatisfied with how their life has transpired so far, and are not happy with their career. 

[basil67]

10 minutes ago, Scotty Riggs said:

I can confidently say they all have childhood wounds, and/or a history of disorder, save for one rebound. For example, my ex long-term partner attempted suicide as a teen and has numerous self-harm scars. My most recent courtship had depression/anxiety issues since her youth, was attracted to abusive men, and expressed a need to see a "shrink"
in the fallout of her breakup.

How many of them have a CURRENT diagnosis made by a health professional?   

Someone who was troubled teen isn't necessarily going to end up as a troubled adult.  And even if they do have issues,  "mentally ill" is a big call.    A person who decides to seek help for depression and anxiety isn't necessarily mentally ill.   Further on your recent courtship where she was attracted to abusive men....thing is, you're attracted to women who are complicated or troubled and haven't had a long term relationship.  So are your relationship choices any different to hers?  

I take meds for anxiety and depression and am a perfectly functional adult who does not need psychiatric care.

I agree that you should be careful with your words

[Scotty Riggs]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

It's important to date people that are not freshly out of a relationship. I usually would not date men that are not at least 2 years single.

Thank you. Two years seems long though. Do you just ask about this outright when early into dating someone?

[ShyViolet]

I don't know, it sounds like you might be labelling people as having "mental illnesses" a little too freely and judgmentally.  In today's society, a lot of people talk about mental health and practically everyone has some form of anxiety.  The one instance where you judged a woman because she talked a lot about mental health on her instagram, it's hard to tell whether the problem was really her, or was it you?

A man in his 30s (I am assuming you're in your 30s) who has never been in love, as you admit, seems to me to be very strange and it makes me wonder if there's been something off about the way you approach dating.  It's hard to believe that there's just something wrong with everyone else.

All I can say is, take it very slow when you first meet someone, that way you have a good amount of time to get to know them and to weed them out if red flags emerge.  Don't date people who are fresh out of serious relationships.

[Scotty Riggs]

8 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

A man in his 30s (I am assuming you're in your 30s) who has never been in love, as you admit, seems to me to be very strange and it makes me wonder if there's been something off about the way you approach dating.  It's hard to believe that there's just something wrong with everyone else.

It depends how you define "love." I've had deep longing and pain over breakups, but my relationships don't last long enough to develop "love." In my recent instance, I was very open to developing a deep relationship. She said I was highly considerate and emotionally mature. But she was too guarded, hot & cold and uninvested to facilitate anything deep. Looking back, she was very wounded, and a breakup was inevitable from the start.

5 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Someone who was troubled teen isn't necessarily going to end up as a troubled adult.  And even if they do have issues,  "mentally ill" is a big call.    A person who decides to seek help for depression and anxiety isn't necessarily mentally ill.   Further on your recent courtship where she was attracted to abusive men....thing is, you're attracted to women who are complicated or troubled and haven't had a long term relationship.  So are your relationship choices any different to hers?  

I take meds for anxiety and depression and am a perfectly functional adult who does not need psychiatric care.

I agree that you should be careful with your words

I try to accept people with their flaws. We all have mental health struggles to some degree. But these women had very apparent, continuous psyche issues. The woman I was recently with described being drawn to men who were openly abrasive, manipulative and despised by her friends and family--nothing like me. The way she talked about her breakup was like she escaped a cult or drug addiction, but was second-guessing how bad it was. I wanted to "save" her, which of course was impossible. She was in a textbook trauma bond, and it bruised my self esteem and confidence in finding a healthy partner.

10 minutes ago, Johnjohnson2017 said:

How old are you? My guess you are over 35. 

This is correct.

[Gaeta]

32 minutes ago, Scotty Riggs said:

Thank you. Two years seems long though. Do you just ask about this outright when early into dating someone?

I would ask men how long they've been single in a first conversation on the dating site. 

My worse fear was to meet a man that would use me as a rebound, so l made sure l was dealing with men single long enough.

I knew what l was looking for, l knew l would eventually find. 

[FMW]

Look at your own motivations and sources of attraction.  If these women all have similar dysfunctions, there is probably something about that which is appealing to you, however unconscious it might be.  The obvious possibility is not being emotionally available yourself, for whatever reason, so the distance their issues create is more comfortable for you.  Another is the White Knight Syndrome, as you described wanting to save a woman you were recently with.  

4 hours ago, Scotty Riggs said:

Save for the mundane one-off dates where I simply don't reciprocate a seemingly "normal" woman's interest/attraction to me, the pathological rebound has defined much of my dating life.

This is a big clue, that you aren't interested in the women you are judging as "normal", and you find dates with them "mundane".  Your interest is only sparked by the women who you deem mentally ill in some way.  

 

[glows]

What are the odds that you bring out the worst in these women? Lol. I am half serious. Relationships as we all know are rarely one sided and a mix or dynamic between people. As I read your initial post I read your view of yourself as slightly inflated. Don’t take this the wrong way - a healthy self esteem is ok but the angle assuming others are faulty and dysfunctional while you’re “introspective and easygoing” can also be viewed differently. This can easily be interpreted instead as over analyzing or overly critical and dismissive. 

It’s all very subjective including the way you view yourself.

As we get to know someone deeper we all have flaws and weak spots. No one is pristine perfection or always well-balanced. As you also know we are also a product of our past and present and future.

Some are not as blessed as others to be at a point of peace and healing where they can sustain a long term relationship.

For the most part we are assessing compatibility overall of potential partners where even on bad days we can trust our partners’ judgment or ability to bounce back and function as a couple, and as individuals. If they can’t do that you’re not compatible, end story. No need to get into mental health issues.

Edited March 22, 2023 by glows

[Scotty Riggs]

1 hour ago, glows said:

As I read your initial post I read your view of yourself as slightly inflated. Don’t take this the wrong way - a healthy self esteem is ok but the angle assuming others are faulty and dysfunctional while you’re “introspective and easygoing” can also be viewed differently. This can easily be interpreted instead as over analyzing or overly critical and dismissive. 

For the most part we are assessing compatibility overall of potential partners where even on bad days we can trust our partners’ judgment or ability to bounce back and function as a couple, and as individuals. If they can’t do that you’re not compatible, end story. No need to get into mental health issues.

Thank you for your input. Respectfully, I don't see how I'm inflating myself, since I'm asking strangers for advice on deeply personal issues. My self esteem is bruised, and I'm battling depression. I see nothing wrong with stating that I'm genetically gifted or easy going. They're honest assessments. I wasn't raised to be confident or outgoing, so it's been a lifelong journey to build that.

As for how women show up in dating me, I already cited examples of questionable behavior: rebounds, a trauma bond, and divulging their dark past while wanting sex on the first date. These are traits of an unwell person.

To your last point, I never have enough time to assess that compatibility because the courtship burns out so quickly (again, it's usually a fleeting rebound). I virtually always look back and see no way I could have saved/salvaged the courtship, even if I wanted to. I only regret not leaving sooner, and am upset for finding myself in these dead-end situations.

1 hour ago, FMW said:

The obvious possibility is not being emotionally available yourself, for whatever reason, so the distance their issues create is more comfortable for you.  Another is the White Knight Syndrome, as you described wanting to save a woman you were recently with.  

This is a big clue, that you aren't interested in the women you are judging as "normal", and you find dates with them "mundane".  Your interest is only sparked by the women who you deem mentally ill in some way.  

I'm open, vulnerable and self deprecating on dates. And again, I haven't a clue that women have any problems when we agree to date, since we always meet via apps.

Usually, my issue with "normal" women is not that they're boring, but that I don't find them physically attractive. But that can go for anyone I date. Sometimes values and/or conversational chemistry don't gel. It's incredibly hard to find a mutual interest on a solid foundation. I'm not asking for a super model, or a clone of myself. I just want a mellow, pretty, "old soul" that I can hike the woods, go antiquing and have fun conversations with. 

Edited March 22, 2023 by Scotty Riggs

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, Scotty Riggs said:

 was just someone to be with while I was depressed. 

In addition to therapy, consider a complete evaluation of your physical and mental health by a physician. Get some tests done. Improve your lifestyle and habits.

Until you improve your depression it will be difficult to connect to anyone except those in  similar depressive states. 

 

[SingFish]

[ ] 

1 hour ago, Scotty Riggs said:

As for how women show up in dating me, I already cited examples of questionable behavior: rebounds, a trauma bond, and divulging their dark past while wanting sex on the first date. These are traits of an unwell person.

And no, these are not necessarily 'traits of an unwell person.'

1 hour ago, Scotty Riggs said:

My self esteem is bruised, and I'm battling depression.

Do some good self-care, look after yourself, and deal with your own mental illness. Then you'll be in good shape when you meet someone you really like. You're likely seeing life through the filter of depression. Take a break from dating for a bit if it's making you jaded!

 

Edited March 22, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
doesn't address OP

[Weezy1973]

@Scotty Riggs I suspect emotionally healthy, attractive women just aren’t interested in you so you’re stuck with the choice of emotionally unhealthy women you’re attracted to physically or emotionally healthy women you’re not attracted to. And so you keep making the same choice and getting the same result.

[basil67]

1 hour ago, Scotty Riggs said:

Usually, my issue with "normal" women is not that they're boring, but that I don't find them physically attractive. 

Perhaps drama/high maintenance is what gets you hot?    Meanwhile, the women who have it all together will be looking for men who have it all together. 

[mtnbiker3000]

45 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

@Scotty Riggs I suspect emotionally healthy, attractive women just aren’t interested in you so you’re stuck with the choice of emotionally unhealthy women you’re attracted to physically or emotionally healthy women you’re not attracted to. And so you keep making the same choice and getting the same result.

Been there, done that!!

Also, often confused love with attachment.

[mark clemson]

15 hours ago, Scotty Riggs said:

However, I may be attracted to "moody" or depressive women.

Possibly you've "learned" via success/past experience how to woo these women successfully and so gravitate towards them. But if you've noticed a pattern (and that it's a problem) then I agree it's on you to recognize that and figure out how to diverge from your "type". Hopefully that way you are able to keep the pattern from repeating...

[stillafool]

13 hours ago, Scotty Riggs said:

I just want a mellow, pretty, "old soul" that I can hike the woods, go antiquing and have fun conversations with. 

This doesn't sound like a moody, depressed woman that you say your attracted to.

If you deal with depression yourself and are only turned on by moody and depressed women is there any joy in these relationships?

[smackie9]

You sound like a great guy...I suggest stop using dating apps. Too much garbage on there. I know a few that have the same experience....they start out ok but then the ugly starts to unravel. Mental illness, alcohol/drug issues, total passive aggressive, possessive/controlling, rude, clingy or a total wing nut. You can screen all you want...people fudge their profile, lie and hide things. I believe many of the nice people have dropped out from using the apps because they have had enough with the crap that's on there. 

[Alpacalia]

Agree with Weezy.

Some people will be attracted to you for reasons beyond your control. It all depends on how you present yourself and the values you project.

You can, however, always choose who you want to date.