SpaghettiSuit Posted March 20, 2023 Posted March 20, 2023 I (26f) met this guy (25m) about 4-5 months ago. We went on many dates and everything was going good but I was never quite sure about him(he's a nice guy I just dont know how well we jelled plus I'm a cautious person anyway) so never introduced/mentioned him to anyone but I had met his family a few times. A close family memeber of his passed and a few weeks later he stopped responding all of a sudden when we would speak daily beforehand. I asked him how he was a few times as I recently went through the same thing and was assured he was fine as he had "gone through the worst of it" and he'd reach out if needed. Also that his reason for being distant was work. This was about a month ago. We spoke briefly every few days but it didn't feel the same, I felt there was no effort on his part. The last time I messaged him was over a week ago when he landed on holiday and he didn't respond, granted I too had lost effort at that point. I felt like calling him to end things but as he's on holiday I don't want to put a downer on things... but I'm getting the idea that we probably won't be speaking again. Or at least if we do I have realised I don't want to take it any further. But, am I wrong for moving on and finding someone else before having a conversation about it?
Wiseman2 Posted March 20, 2023 Posted March 20, 2023 6 minutes ago, SpaghettiSuit said: he stopped responding all of a sudden. was assured he was fine as he had "gone through the worst of it" and he'd reach out if needed. I have realised I don't want to take it any further. Sorry this is happening. Unfortunately he seems to be tiptoing out of the relationship. Whether it's due to work or family stress it's unclear. Step back and see if he reaches out after his vacation. It seems like you want some type of closure, but if he doesn't reach out again, that might be all the closure you need. 1 1
Weezy1973 Posted March 20, 2023 Posted March 20, 2023 8 minutes ago, SpaghettiSuit said: But, am I wrong for moving on and finding someone else before having a conversation about it? If you think letting him know you don’t want to see him anymore would put a damper on his holidays, then you must think he believes you’re still dating. That being said, if the two of you never talked about exclusivity, then not a big deal. If it were me, I’d still have the conversation first though. 1
Author SpaghettiSuit Posted March 20, 2023 Author Posted March 20, 2023 27 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Sorry this is happening. Unfortunately he seems to be tiptoing out of the relationship. Whether it's due to work or family stress it's unclear. Step back and see if he reaches out after his vacation. It seems like you want some type of closure, but if he doesn't reach out again, that might be all the closure you need. That's the way I'm perceiving it too. Yea I would like closure, I don't like leaving things unfinished. I guess there's no harm in holding off for another couple of weeks to see how it goes
Author SpaghettiSuit Posted March 20, 2023 Author Posted March 20, 2023 27 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said: If you think letting him know you don’t want to see him anymore would put a damper on his holidays, then you must think he believes you’re still dating. That being said, if the two of you never talked about exclusivity, then not a big deal. If it were me, I’d still have the conversation first though. I don't know what he believes we are anymore, but the fact we haven't had a conversation about it personally I would believe we were. But like you say we didn't have a conversation about exclusivity so who knows. Eitherway whatever he is doing I may hold off to see how it goes.
ExpatInItaly Posted March 20, 2023 Posted March 20, 2023 1 hour ago, SpaghettiSuit said: I was never quite sure about him(he's a nice guy I just dont know how well we jelled plus I'm a cautious person anyway) so never introduced/mentioned him to anyone but I had met his family a few times. He probably thinks he's wasting his time with you by now, OP. It sounds like he was more open to taking this further, but correctly sensed that you were hesitant and not really into him the same way. As such, I am not sure why you're surprised that he's let it fizzle. Neither of you is wrong, really, but you were not compatible and he's letting it fade. You could speak again when he's back but I think it's safe to assume it's already done. You're not into it, and neither is he anymore. 3 1
basil67 Posted March 20, 2023 Posted March 20, 2023 17 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: He probably thinks he's wasting his time with you by now, OP. It sounds like he was more open to taking this further, but correctly sensed that you were hesitant and not really into him the same way. As such, I am not sure why you're surprised that he's let it fizzle. Neither of you is wrong, really, but you were not compatible and he's letting it fade. You could speak again when he's back but I think it's safe to assume it's already done. You're not into it, and neither is he anymore. Thank you Expat. I couldn't put my feelings into words but this is it. You were unsure about him. You hadn't introduced him to your people. He recognised your feelings and moved on before he got hurt. 1
Author SpaghettiSuit Posted March 20, 2023 Author Posted March 20, 2023 4 minutes ago, basil67 said: Thank you Expat. I couldn't put my feelings into words but this is it. You were unsure about him. You hadn't introduced him to your people. He recognised your feelings and moved on before he got hurt. Maybe you're both right. I did explain to him I would need to take things slow in the initial stages and he accepted he would take it as slow as I needed. Being unsure didn't mean I didn't like him, it meant I was unsure. I only met his family because he lives with them. We had planned on introducing him to my people's, even just before he went quiet, but there was always something else we would do instead so it never happened. I was still open to seeing what would come out of it, but being potentially ghosted by him instead of talking through it when I've given him opportunities has now kinda knocked my confidence in him not gonna lie.
ExpatInItaly Posted March 20, 2023 Posted March 20, 2023 55 minutes ago, SpaghettiSuit said: but being potentially ghosted by him instead of talking through it when I've given him opportunities has now kinda knocked my confidence in him not gonna lie. I don't think he's interested anymore anyway, to be honest. His silence speaks very loudly there. 56 minutes ago, SpaghettiSuit said: he accepted he would take it as slow as I needed And that's fine, but everyone has a limit. After 4 or 5 months and you're still not sure - I would be done, too. Nobody would want to stick around and keep trying with someone who is still having doubts after that long.
Author SpaghettiSuit Posted March 20, 2023 Author Posted March 20, 2023 4 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said: I don't think he's interested anymore anyway, to be honest. His silence speaks very loudly there. And that's fine, but everyone has a limit. After 4 or 5 months and you're still not sure - I would be done, too. Nobody would want to stick around and keep trying with someone who is still having doubts after that long. Thanks a lot for your input given me some peace of mind. Hope you have a nice day!
Gaeta Posted March 20, 2023 Posted March 20, 2023 8 hours ago, SpaghettiSuit said: I (26f) met this guy (25m) about 4-5 months ago. We went on many dates and everything was going good but I was never quite sure about him(he's a nice guy I just dont know how well we jelled plus I'm a cautious person anyway) 4-5 months is a long time to keep someone in limbo. By 2-3 months you should know if you both jell, even before. Why insist if he's not what you're looking for.
stillafool Posted March 20, 2023 Posted March 20, 2023 (edited) I buried my father 2 weeks ago and so many people I lost touch with showed up to his funeral. Maybe this guy reconnected with someone from his past at his Dad's funeral and maybe is showing him more interest so he's moving on. Edited March 20, 2023 by stillafool
Calmandfocused Posted March 20, 2023 Posted March 20, 2023 Op you don’t need closure. You don’t need to wait around until he comes home from vacation. Simply consider it done and move on. 1
Author SpaghettiSuit Posted March 20, 2023 Author Posted March 20, 2023 16 minutes ago, Gaeta said: 4-5 months is a long time to keep someone in limbo. By 2-3 months you should know if you both jell, even before. Why insist if he's not what you're looking for. I am trying but I've been through quite a lot in my past that makes it difficult for me in this area, which he is also aware of. I'm not insisting anything, I asked if I was in the wrong for moving on without having a conversation about it.
Author SpaghettiSuit Posted March 20, 2023 Author Posted March 20, 2023 3 minutes ago, stillafool said: I buried my father 2 weeks ago and so many people I lost touch with showed up to his funeral. Maybe this guy reconnected with someone from his past at his Dad's funeral and maybe is showing him more interest so he's moving on. Firstly, I'm so sorry for your loss it wasn't his dad it was his grandad and he didn't actually have a funeral. But maybe he has moved on eitherway
Author SpaghettiSuit Posted March 20, 2023 Author Posted March 20, 2023 4 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said: Op you don’t need closure. You don’t need to wait around until he comes home from vacation. Simply consider it done and move on. Yea the more this thread transpires the more I'm thinking this way tbh 1
Gaeta Posted March 20, 2023 Posted March 20, 2023 14 minutes ago, SpaghettiSuit said: I am trying but I've been through quite a lot in my past that makes it difficult for me in this area, which he is also aware of. I'm not insisting anything, I asked if I was in the wrong for moving on without having a conversation about it. You don't need a conversation per say but I feel after 4-5 months you should inform him. It doesn't matter if he should do so toward you as well, it's just a matter of how you want to live your life and treat people.
Lotsgoingon Posted March 21, 2023 Posted March 21, 2023 Anytime I hear "work" as a reason someone is staying away from a potential love partner, I know the person is talking b.s. And one reason I know is that I talked similar b.s.--and did so sincerely with ignorance. The truth is people make time for relationships ... Work doesn't push people away. Sure some people have long hours, but these days you can still stay in contact for a few minutes a day with someone. There is nothing happening here. Move on. BTW: save your some time. Pay attention to your feelings here. We went on many dates and everything was going good but I was never quite sure about him(he's a nice guy I just dont know how well we jelled plus I'm a cautious person anyway) so never introduced/mentioned him to anyone. Every two words here is a red flag. If you go on many many dates and are still unsure, that's your answer, you and the person don't have chemistry, the relationship is NOT working for you. Mediocrity and confusion is No! 1
Wiseman2 Posted March 21, 2023 Posted March 21, 2023 16 hours ago, SpaghettiSuit said: being potentially ghosted by him When he's back from vacation, simply inform him it's not working out. Short and sweet. That way you'll have "closure" and so will he. No more wondering about what's going. Free yourself from this so you can find someone you're not feeling so iffy and uneasy about.
ExpatInItaly Posted March 21, 2023 Posted March 21, 2023 12 hours ago, SpaghettiSuit said: I asked if I was in the wrong for moving on without having a conversation about it. Nah. It seems he's already doing so anyway. You can let him know, if you wish, but I don't think you'd be wrong to mirror him and let it fade. Up to you. 1
JTSW Posted March 21, 2023 Posted March 21, 2023 On 3/20/2023 at 8:05 AM, SpaghettiSuit said: I felt there was no effort on his part. He made more of an effort in the relationship than you did. He included you in his family but you still kept him a secret. I would feel crap about that too if someone did that to me.
Alpacalia Posted March 21, 2023 Posted March 21, 2023 No, you are not wrong for moving on before having a conversation about it. He's stopped communicating with you. I think it's important to respect his wishes and give him the space he needs. Plus, it sounds like you are no longer interested in pursuing a relationship with this guy, and it's perfectly okay for you to take that step and explore other options. You don't have to wait for him to make the first move.
glows Posted March 21, 2023 Posted March 21, 2023 I’d say something brief and wish him well. End it. Move on. Don’t ask him about his life and don’t volunteer anything about yours.
Acacia98 Posted March 21, 2023 Posted March 21, 2023 Personally, I wouldn't bother reaching out to him again. I'd just block and move on. If he can't be bothered to have a conversation about it and say he wants out, then I'm not going to make the effort to bring it up. In the past, I would give it one month of silence before moving on. Nowadays, two weeks of silence is enough if I know he's not sick or lying in a ditch somewhere.
NuevoYorko Posted March 21, 2023 Posted March 21, 2023 You've said you "want closure" so do what feels right for yourself. It's not obligatory under the circumstances.
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