I asked my wife if she wanted to talk about her weight gain. I'm now getting the silent treatment

[Lotsgoingon]

Lots of folks lose weight when dating and before marriage. And this loss can be quite unhealthy with disordered and chaotic eating patterns.

I'm wondering if this is her regular wait (the way she is now). Lots of people diet and they just usually run out of willpower. 

Look, a man talking about a woman's weight is just taboo. I mean gather any older men around and ask them how they talk about their wife’s weight. They will look at you as if you were insane—serious! Given the pressures on women to conform to unhealthy body types, people are just so sensitive (not nearly the right word, not strong enough) about weight gain. 

What you could have done is say that you find her attractive and lovely and you're happy. Criticism or even a hint of what might be criticism just does not work. Any hint that her value to you depends on her weight just backfires. 

Heads up my man, nobody needs coaching on eating. Your comment was insulting--the part about teaching her. Patronizing and just off target, but not in any horrible way. Over-eating runs in my family (we have tons of addictions) and I can assure you that it is a near addiction if not addiction.  By addiction I don't mean it can't be changed, but rather that the over-eating is part of a person's coping skills.  And look, everyone knows what we should and should not be eating in this society. But eating according to what we know is an entirely different universe of difficulty. 

Forget the weight gain: have you noticed her eating a lot more recently? Lots of overeaters (again in my family) will sneak in extra food when the partner isn't looking. 

 

[stillafool]

Do you plan to have kids?

[DidEverythingYoung]

I'm 19, as is my wife of 5 months. Yes, we got married young and it did not make my, nor her parents happy. They went along with the wedding and all of that, but it was like pulling teeth. Sat through 1,765,832 speeches about, " I hope you know what you're doing". So, none of the parents are our biggest cheerleaders at the moment.

We love each other, she's the most incredible woman I've ever met. She's sweet, she's fun, she's charming, and she's beautiful, but, I just wish she would communicate more clearly. One thing she seems stuck on lately is just, out of nowhere, telling me that I need to start trying harder in the relationship, working harder at it. I ask her to just let me know what she means by that, tell me what she wants, and I'll do it. After I ask for further clarification, she usually gives me a scoff, an eyeroll, or a look of, " Did you really just ask that? You can't be serious". I'll ask again, she'll say, " I'm not going to spoon-feed it to you, figure it out".

 

I hate bickering like that so, what I like to do is give us both some time apart, and then a few hours later, I'll find her on the couch, in the bed, and I'll try cuddling with her. 50% of the time, she embraces me, gives me some, " Sorry I got like that with you" apology, and everything is good. The other 50% of the time, she'll pull away, reiterate she's frustrated with me, and reiterate that I need to " give more of an effort" and " try more". I know that just snuggling with her and not addressing the issue further is not a great long term solution, but, in the heat of those moments, its what I choose to do

 

Any tips or guidance would be hugely helpful!

Edited March 20, 2023 by DidEverythingYoung

[Lisa]

@LoveMyBed and @DidEverythingYoung are the same poster