My neighbour is acting weird

[Stret]

I (F44) moved recently to a new country and in the building where I live there is a guy (M49) who was friendly to me. We said hi, talked briefly about some general topics, etc. He mentioned once that he liked some food he tried in my country so I invited him over and made that food for him, we sat for few hours talking. He was late for half an hour even though he lives 20 seconds from me and was at home. He never said anything about being late. We went walking his dogs in the park a few times. I am not interested in him as a man as I'm not attracted romantically to his personality (reasons below) or physical appearance. I really just need friends and he knows this, said he had the same issue when he moved here. 

Anyway, he would often promise things and never again mention them. He would say that he can help me with some administrative stuff (because he speaks the language and I don't) and because he needs to apply for the same documents, so we can go together and he will call me when he goes there. I waited for many days for him to call me so I can finish this. Turned out he went without me.

Another very similar thing happened not to bother you with details.

He told me his friend can teach us how to surf (I've always wanted that) and that he will talk to him and we can go already next weekend. I went and bought a wet suit and he knows this. And that was it - he never mentioned it again and I brought it up once just to hear "oh yeah, I'll talk to him about it and we can go next weekend" and that was it. I'm 100% sure he will never bring it up again. I'll pay for a surf school and go alone. 

He told me we could go visit a castle and gave me some booklet of it. I said ok, any time. It never got mentioned again. 

He told me he can bring me to his gym for free a few times, and I said ok, great, call me any time, I really need to get moving and it would be very good for me. He never invited me to the gym. 

He dropped me a text a few days ago - hey, we should do something this weekend. I said ok, sure. He proposed a few things. I said it sounds good. However, today (Sat) a woman that he never mentioned to me has arrived to his place and will probably spend weekend (she was at his place last weekend as well, screaming so loud in bed the whole building heard her). He probably knew about her coming over to his place but nevertheless invited me to do something this weekend. 

A few other similar things happened all in the space of two months. On the other hand, he gives me things sometimes... like a small cat keychain, or a kitchen knife that I said I needed. 

A few weeks ago he promised he would feed my cat when I go to a two-day conference abroad. There is no way I will rely on him for this one. I'll ask a nice Russian couple next door or Spanish people from a floor up that also have a cat, and my cat will stay alive (I don't really believe that he would not feed the cat but I can't really be at peace with his entire personality although he acts all polite and nice). 

What is wrong with this guy? He certainly acts like he's playing some mind games, and I am so not in the mood for the games. I'm also too tired and disinterested in wasting time on people who are unreliable, in case that it is his problem. So from now on, I will politely decline everything he proposes. I do need friends - he knows this - but he will not be someone I spend time with. 

Anyone has any opinion or experience with people like this? 

[stillafool]

20 minutes ago, Stret said:

What is wrong with this guy?

It's pretty obvious, he's unreliable and a bit of a liar.  The next time he tries to make plans with him tell him you don't buy it because he's made plans with you before and hasn't followed through.  Just tell him no thank you.  Make other friends because this one doesn't value your frienship.

[Stret]

12 hours ago, stillafool said:

It's pretty obvious, he's unreliable and a bit of a liar.  The next time he tries to make plans with him tell him you don't buy it because he's made plans with you before and hasn't followed through.  Just tell him no thank you.  Make other friends because this one doesn't value your frienship.

Definitely doing that in the future. But I'm trying not to address it and not raise any issues as things could become awkward between us. A nice polite "hello" and "oh sorry, I have something else planned that day" would be better than telling him he's unreliable straight to his face. I really like to keep neighbourhood friendly as I had some horror people living next to me in the past, so I'll definitely avoid any confrontations. I live alone and have no friends/family here.

[ ]  I don't know what to believe but the time when he went alone to the admin office even though he knew I needed to go with him kind of moved me away from the thought that he is just a flaky unreliable type towards "he's definitely messing with me on purpose". This didn't require any of his additional time or anything like that. Regardless of his reasons, I'm not going to engage (apart from ad hoc things that suit me). 

I guess  he'll realise I'm becoming distant when he sees that I am gone for a conference, yet he didn't get the keys to my place to feed the cat.

About liar part: yes, he seems to be a liar as he told me that his friend (who stayed at his place while he was away) told him he hadn't seen me for a while and was worried (because I was sick). Truth is that friend and I talked that same day in the morning, and he couldn't have told him that. I showed his message to his friend and asked him why was he telling neighbour that he hasn't seen me when we see each other every day in the backyard and he was surprised - he never said it. 
He also told me this friend of his is on a diet - but he is not and is very thin in fact, eats everything. Some stupid meaningless lies like that. Who knows what else is he lying about. I mean, I spoke to the guy about people, life, relationships a few times, and he gave an impression that he was single on several occasions but he doesn't seem to be. He also gave an impression that he is a loner who doesn't like people very much and prefers to walk in park with his dogs. But now that I've been here two months and saw him live his life - that is not true either. He might have wanted to pretend he is a bit more like me than he actually is.

 

Edited March 19, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
armchair psychiatry

[Alpacalia]

[ ] 

My suggestion would be to maintain a safe distance from this individual and only keep in touch if absolutely necessary. Given that you don't know them well, it's important to exercise caution. Instead, channel your efforts into developing relationships with individuals who are reliable and respectful of your time.

 

Edited March 19, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
response to removed content

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Stret said:

I guess  he'll realise I'm becoming distant when he sees that I am gone for a conference, yet he didn't get the keys to my place to feed the cat.

You're doing the right thing trying to make friends. However this neighbor seems a bit flaky. Just step back and take him as an acquaintance who's unreliable. Continue making friends with the other neighbors and people around.

[Stret]

10 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

 

My suggestion would be to maintain a safe distance from this individual and only keep in touch if absolutely necessary. Given that you don't know them well, it's important to exercise caution. Instead, channel your efforts into developing relationships with individuals who are reliable and respectful of your time.

 

[ ] 

I have to trust someone with the keys to my residence. Who will feed my cat when I'm away to the conference? I don't want to leave her in a cage somewhere in cat hotel where she will be terrified. Things are a bit different when you just move to the country and have to rely on the people you know very little. Intuition is the only thing you have to rely on. 

I agree with you on having to exercise caution. He certainly gave me reasons to. 

At the age of 44 it is hard to strike friendships when living abroad. It is not like when you're exchange student and everyone is friends, and nobody in your age group has any obligations. In 40s everyone is usually married, have kids, jobs, family, friendships...There is usually no space for you or anyone else in their life. It takes time. 

Edited March 19, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
response to removed content

[ShyViolet]

1 hour ago, Stret said:

But I was wondering what could be his motives/reasons for acting like this? What psychological profile does this behaviour fit? 
It could be something innocent like having ADHD or simply being massively disorganised and therefore unreliable. It could be a bit sociopathic in the sense that it looks like playing mind games.

Why do you feel that it's a good use of your time and energy to try and psychoanalyze this guy?  You don't know him very well.  His behavior has proven to be very flaky, dishonest and unreliable.  That's all you really need to know.  You'll never find out exactly "why" he does the things that he does.  Distance yourself from him and move on.

[Alpacalia]

I think it is ok to be curious and open to making new friends. But, as you've pointed out, it is important to be mindful of the risks and possible consequences. I think the key is to be careful and trust your intuition. If something doesn't feel right, it is probably not, and it is better to be safe than sorry.

Edited March 19, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed quote

[Alpacalia]

9 hours ago, Stret said:

In either case, I'll steer clear of any friendship with him. 

Well done on your decision.

In as much as he may genuinely have wanted to hang out with you, it is just as likely that he was trying to make you jealous. Friendships with him who have proven unreliable in the past are best avoided. Ensure they are trustworthy before spending time with them and aren't going to manipulate or take advantage of you.

Do you have any romantic feelings towards him?

Edited March 19, 2023 by Alpacalia

[basil67]

13 hours ago, Stret said:

He told me his friend can teach us how to surf (I've always wanted that) and that he will talk to him and we can go already next weekend. I went and bought a wet suit and he knows this. And that was it - he never mentioned it again and I brought it up once just to hear "oh yeah, I'll talk to him about it and we can go next weekend" and that was it. I'm 100% sure he will never bring it up again. I'll pay for a surf school and go alone. 

We Australians would call this guy a "gunna".  He's gunna do this and he's gunna do that....but none of it ever happens.  

But the bit I quoted was outrageous.  It sounds like your neighbour's friend hadn't offered to teach you both to surf, yet he's assuming that the surfer will just make himself available to teach.  Then your neighbour was already making plans for the next weekend on the assumption that the surfer has nothing better to do at that time.  And it doesn't even sound like he'd discussed offering to pay for his mate's time.  The audacity!   

[ ] 

Edited March 19, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
off topic

[ExpatInItaly]

I would forget trying to develop a friendship with this guy. He's not that interested and he's obviously not reliable. I would also not over-analyze the situation or try to figure out what's "wrong" with him. It's not worth the energy and you don't know him anywhere near well enough to begin to guess. Just keep your distance and don't make any futher future plans with him, however nebulous they might be. Treat him as a neighbourly acquaintance and nothing more. 

I also live abroad (I'm nearly 42) and get that it can be hard to find new connections. I've now been here 10 years and I have forunately formed a good circle of friends, but I know it isn't easy when you're the "foreigner." However, it's important to weed out the flaky locals just as you would at home, too. 

[BrinnM]

People like that are annoying. It could be a cultural thing. Is he an immigrant also, or a local?
Many people overpromise, and underdeliver. If you take it personally, you may feel like it’s a malicious thing, but the truth is that people often don’t mean what they say, and vice versa. They’re just thoughtless, and they don’t think about you at all, while you’re trying to figure out what’s wrong with them. I don’t blame you for trying to figure out what his motives are, if there are any at all, but I don’t think you’ll ever know. Good decision by the way to not confront him directly - if he’s a neighbor you don’t need that awkwardness. (Even though I’m generally pro “speaking up”)

[stillafool]

On 3/18/2023 at 11:36 AM, Stret said:

I have to trust someone with the keys to my residence. Who will feed my cat when I'm away to the conference?

I wouldn't trust this man with my cat.  He's a liar and flakey.  He might forget to feed it and lie that he did, or worse yet lose it.  I would hire someone to feed my cat so I didn't have to involve myself with him.

 

On 3/18/2023 at 9:51 AM, Stret said:

But I'm trying not to address it and not raise any issues as things could become awkward between us. 

But you already are addressing it by asking the friend about what he said and finding out that he once again lied.  No one needs a liar as their friend.  You need friends who are trustworthy or you're better off alone.

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, stillafool said:

I wouldn't trust this man with my cat.  He's a liar and flakey.  He might forget to feed it and lie that he did, or worse yet lose it.  I would hire someone to feed my cat so I didn't have to involve myself with him

I agree with all of the above. 

You need to find alternate arrangements for your cat, Stret. This is not at all likely to care of fur-baby properly. Don't make the mistake of trusting him to do so.