My boyfriends sister keeps talking to his physco ex

[coco99]

My boyfriend and I are together nearly two years now. He’s had previous relationships before me but his ex before me ended on bad terms. She pretended to be homeless to live with him , fought with his mother constantly and then had an abortion (not that there’s anything wrong with that it just upsets me to know they could have had a child together). When I first started going out with him this ex texted me threatening messages and on several occasions harassed me in my place of work and even at one point tried pushing me out in front of a moving car while waiting for a taxi. 
 

his sister and I were friendly enough before we got together and her argument for her resentment towards me was that she found it uncomfortable and for him not to get hurt like how he was with said ex. I can understand but I would have expected her to see as serious I am with our relationship for her to get use to us being together. 
 

but since we have been together the ex has now started commenting on her photos and contacting her and his sister is contacting her back. His sister also deleted all photos of me and kept the ones of the ex up which I found hurtful. His mother is constantly talking about how horrible this ex was talking about what she was like which also makes me uncomfortable but when I said to her I find it uncomfortable that his sister talks to her she told me I was crazy and that she can speak to who she likes. 
 

I’ve brought this up with my boyfriend so many times and it causes so many arguments to the point I texted his sister directly about how I feel about it and she ignored it. It doesn’t seem like she’ll stop anytime soon and I feel like I have to leave my boyfriend over it as I find his family to be constantly bringing her up which leaves me so upset. That’s why I’m looking for advice I don’t know what more to do 

 

thank you 

[Wiseman2]

22 minutes ago, coco99 said:

Ive brought this up with my boyfriend so many times and it causes so many arguments to the point I texted his sister directly about how I feel about it and she ignored it. 

Sorry this is happening. Unfortunately your BFs can't control his family or sister. Delete and block his sister from all your social media.

The problem seems to be your BF. Your relationship revolves way too much around his ex. For example why does she have your contact info or know where you work or near enough for physical contact? 

Reconsider the relationship and get a restraining order against his ex . Your BF seems to have poor judgement and boundaries.

[stillafool]

I can't imagine my brother's wife telling me who I can and can't talk to, much less a girlfriend.  If you don't want anything to do with his ex that's completely understandable but you are out of place telling his sister what to do.

[glows]

It seems this family is a mess. I’m sorry to say this. Yes, I’d drop this like a hot potato. You wouldn’t even catch my shadow. I would not add to the bonfire here and start making demands of your boyfriend. You’re just showing these people you’re no different from them - badmouthing each other, wild claims, argumentativeness and so on. Move on.

 

[ShyViolet]

His sister still talks to the ex and his mother still constantly talks about the ex.  How often are you actually spending time with his family?  If you don't see them very often then let this go.  They can do whatever they want and it doesn't concern you.  But if being in this relationship means you have to see your bf's family often, like if he lives with them, I would leave this entire dysfunctional situation.  Who needs all this negativity?  You can do better than this.

[mark clemson]

Consider researching the term "flying monkeys" as it relates to narcissism. I'm not saying the psycho ex is a narcissist (how would I know) but it's clear she has very serious problems of some kind if she attempted to murder you.

Knowing isn't always the same as being able to do something about it. You really can't stop the sister from talking to whom she pleases. Whether it's to make you feel threatened, "stir up drama," or simply to assert power in the situation, it's likely to be an ongoing problem unless/until she comes to her senses.

It will not shock me if your BF ends up alienated from his sister one day. Whether you'll still be in the picture at all if/when that time rolls around remains to be seen.

I think you should recognize that there's a lot of dysfunction in your situation. You might ask yourself - "what am I doing here?" Life will eventually teach you to run away from, not towards, the red flags. But sometimes there are some very harsh lessons along the way, unfortunately.

Edited March 18, 2023 by mark clemson

[Lotsgoingon]

There is an old saying that goes, "when you marry someone, you marry their family. So make sure you are ok with the family."

Well, this can apply to dating as well. At some point, you just have to decide if bf's family (and his past with his ex) is just too much baggage for you. Here's the thing: you want to forget intent when you consider this. It's not enough that bf isn't contributing to the problem. It's enough that he can't stop it.

Some families are just full of drama--and the more drama there is, the more the member of the family (your bf in this case) has a duty (practical) to alert dating partners to this dysfunctional drama and to have a plan in place to buffer their partner from the drama. 

If bf's just standing by passive and clueless and he didn't alert you or have a plan to blunt all this stuff, that's sufficient grounds to consider getting out of the relationship. It's not enough that he isn't actively fomenting the drama. 

Families can undo relationships. We like to think they can't. But they can increase pressure and stress and that gets into the relationship. 

Edited March 18, 2023 by Lotsgoingon

[JTSW]

On 3/17/2023 at 7:48 PM, coco99 said:

When I first started going out with him this ex texted me threatening messages and on several occasions harassed me in my place of work and even at one point tried pushing me out in front of a moving car while waiting for a taxi. 

Did you report this to the police?

She made an attempt on your life. That's a jail time offence.

The fact that your bf doesn't seem to care about what everyone does tells me its time for you to drop the rope and leave.

Nothing will improve, it will only get worse.

[Versacehottie]

On 3/18/2023 at 11:49 AM, Lotsgoingon said:

There is an old saying that goes, "when you marry someone, you marry their family. So make sure you are ok with the family."

Well, this can apply to dating as well. At some point, you just have to decide if bf's family (and his past with his ex) is just too much baggage for you. Here's the thing: you want to forget intent when you consider this. It's not enough that bf isn't contributing to the problem. It's enough that he can't stop it.

Some families are just full of drama--and the more drama there is, the more the member of the family (your bf in this case) has a duty (practical) to alert dating partners to this dysfunctional drama and to have a plan in place to buffer their partner from the drama. 

If bf's just standing by passive and clueless and he didn't alert you or have a plan to blunt all this stuff, that's sufficient grounds to consider getting out of the relationship. It's not enough that he isn't actively fomenting the drama. 

Families can undo relationships. We like to think they can't. But they can increase pressure and stress and that gets into the relationship. 

I agree with this sentiment. Idk. I think you, OP are trying to control things that you cannot control. Without trying to place blame, decide who is worse, ie ex is an awful person therefore his family "shouldn't" like him, etc, I would suggest you stop trying to deal with the nuances and specifics and look at the overall situation>>>>>>big picture, if you can't and don't get along with his family, that's sort of at an impasse and dysfunction that isn't attractive for you to stay in the relationship.  Also big picture>>>>your boyfriend's inability or unwillingness to help you with this situation is a red flag about the relationship....It could be him and his characteristics OR it also could be that he thinks you are being unreasonable about this. It's all at an impasse as I see it. 

[Gaeta]

On 3/17/2023 at 3:48 PM, coco99 said:

When I first started going out with him this ex texted me threatening messages and on several occasions harassed me in my place of work and even at one point tried pushing me out in front of a moving car while waiting for a taxi. 
 

If that incident did not shock your boyfriend into protective mode then he was not worth dating him any further. 

What you see is what you get, he will never defend & protect you. If harassment and pushing you in font of a car left him indifferent why did you keep him in your life at all. 

[ExpatInItaly]

You cannot tell his sister who to communicate with.

While it sucks that she still has a relationship with his ex, it's absolutely not your place to tell her to stop. If you don't like it, you are free to leave. That might be the best choice since it's sounds like all this drama is not worth it. 

[smackie9]

Whatever the sister does is none of yours or your BF's business. It bothers you only when you look at their social media....block/delete the sister so you don't have to see the ex's shenanigans. 

Me personally would never date anyone that had a crazy meddling ex.