IsItReallyYou Posted March 15, 2023 Posted March 15, 2023 Here's the situation: I'm (M28) in a new relationship (1 month old, have been talking for 2 months prior to that). She (F28) recently took issue with a photo of an ex and I that I had up on my living room wall. For her, it's a boundary not to have exes in sight. For me, it's a boundary that people don't get to tell me what to re-arrange and put up / take down in my house. Some context on the photo and my thoughts on it because I feel that it's important - I agree that gratuitous photos of exes, including ones in the bedroom and especially ones that are framed / on a nightstand are out of place. But as for the photo I have on my wall: 1) It's part of a wider collage of photos of people who have been in my apartment 2) it took place during a couples game night event and is part of a set of photos of couples - taking it down would be weird because the caption written across the set of photos would no longer make sense 3) I have not talked to my ex in over a year and I have zero emotional attachment to her - the photo for me is simply a commemoration of a fun night and good memory 4) I already have multiple photos of my current girlfriend up in my living room and my bedroom. In any case, I made it clear to my current GF that if she had a photo of her ex in a similar context, that I would be 100% fine with it. I've heard the full gamut of opinions from various people in my life, to saying that this shows that I'm not willing to compromise and therefore not ready for a relationship, to saying that this shows major insecurity on my girlfriend's part. What say you?
Acacia98 Posted March 15, 2023 Posted March 15, 2023 (edited) I don't think I'd be comfortable seeing a picture of my boyfriend's ex on the wall every single time I spent time in his home. I probably wouldn't feel comfortable enough to allow the relationship to progress. I don't think I'd even mention it to him. I'd just assess the situation and walk because it would be clear to me that we were not similar in this particular way. Now, I agree it's not your girlfriend's place to tell you what you can and can't have on your wall. But I also think it's interesting that it seems to never have occurred to you independently that a picture of your ex on the wall (whatever the context) might not be conducive to the development of a relationship with someone you really like. If it matters to you that the person you're dating should feel emotionally safe in your home, then this is probably something that should have occurred to you before you started dating, and you should have done something about the picture situation before anyone brought it to your attention. If it doesn't matter to you at all, and that picture absolutely MUST be on the wall, then you had better change your dating criteria to exclude women who will care about the picture. That's probably gonna be a large number of women. Only you can decide if you're okay with the idea of narrowing your dating pool for this specific reason. Edited March 15, 2023 by Acacia98 10
ShyViolet Posted March 15, 2023 Posted March 15, 2023 You're absolutely right that in your house you can put up whatever you want and no one else gets to dictate what you put up or take down on your walls. With that being said, keeping pictures of exes up on your walls is just not generally considered a normal thing to do, and many people would find it off-putting or think it's super weird. That's just a fact. If you're so unwilling to compromise on this, then don't be surprised if it causes problems in your dating life. Many potential partners will find it strange, off-putting, will think you have major boundary issues, might assume that you are not over that ex (despite what you say) or even decide that they're not dealing with this and walk away. Is it really worth it? Your explanation doesn't really justify it. Why is it soooo important that you have photos up on your walls of this particular fun night you had with an ex? Don't you think it's time to put it away in a photo album? And furthermore, why do you have multiple photos up of a girl who you've been dating for only one month? That seems a little unusual as well. 7
Author IsItReallyYou Posted March 15, 2023 Author Posted March 15, 2023 1 minute ago, ShyViolet said: You're absolutely right that in your house you can put up whatever you want and no one else gets to dictate what you put up or take down on your walls. With that being said, keeping pictures of exes up on your walls is just not generally considered a normal thing to do, and many people would find it off-putting or think it's super weird. That's just a fact. If you're so unwilling to compromise on this, then don't be surprised if it causes problems in your dating life. Many potential partners will find it strange, off-putting, will think you have major boundary issues, might assume that you are not over that ex (despite what you say) or even decide that they're not dealing with this and walk away. Is it really worth it? Your explanation doesn't really justify it. Why is it soooo important that you have photos up on your walls of this particular fun night you had with an ex? Don't you think it's time to put it away in a photo album? And furthermore, why do you have multiple photos up of a girl who you've been dating for only one month? That seems a little unusual as well. Do you think that keeping past photos of exes up on instagram is weird also?
basil67 Posted March 15, 2023 Posted March 15, 2023 (edited) I 100% agree that you can decorate your house however you like. If someone doesn't like it, they can raise the discussion (as she's done) but if you're standing your ground, they can end the relationship if they aren't comfortable with it. That said, I think it's poor taste to have your ex on your walls. In your last post, you asked if keeping them on Instagram weird - now I'm too old to have photos of exes on my social media, but I think it's similar to having them in photo albums in that one has to actively go looking for the photos to see them. But on your wall, they are in your new partner's face whether she likes it or not. Is your new partner or the photo of your ex more important to you? Edited March 15, 2023 by basil67 2
Alpacalia Posted March 15, 2023 Posted March 15, 2023 Is it similar to some kind of shrine or whatnot?
MsJayne Posted March 15, 2023 Posted March 15, 2023 On a wall of photos, among photos other friends taken in social contexts, I don’t see the problem, but if it’s a lovey dovey pic then it will likely send the wrong message to a new GF. Past loves belong in a box in the cupboard, and eventually in the bin.
Wiseman2 Posted March 15, 2023 Posted March 15, 2023 (edited) 6 hours ago, IsItReallyYou said: Do you think that keeping past photos of exes up on instagram is weird also? Yes. Is she doing that? Whichever way you look at it, either one of you trying to control the other's contents of your homes or socal media is a red flag. Have these photo collages been an issue with others you've dated? Edited March 15, 2023 by Wiseman2
JTSW Posted March 15, 2023 Posted March 15, 2023 Your gf isn't insecure. It just makes her feel uncomfortable Yes you can have whatever you want on your own wall. Can you perhaps change it for another photo while she is there?
Gaeta Posted March 15, 2023 Posted March 15, 2023 A picture of my bf laughing with his ex, maybe his arm around her, no matter how big the collage is, it would bother me and that's probably the only thing l'd see in the whole collage. The thing with collage is that you can stick a picture on top on that one. I think you're lacking sensitivity here. Like the saying says: do you want to be happy or you want to be right! 4
salparadise Posted March 15, 2023 Posted March 15, 2023 Yup, you most certainly have the right, but what I don't understand is why you'd persist in making an issue of it knowing full well that the new gf is uncomfortable with it. In a purely practical sense it makes you appear stubborn and inflexible. From an interpersonal or feeling perspective it makes you look uncaring and clueless. You said, "people don't get to tell me what to re-arrange and put up / take down in my house." If I ran into this situation and attitude with a new partner, I'd probably think this is the tip of the iceberg and indicative of things to come. Bzzzzt- next. I really don't understand why you can't see this from the other's perspective. 6
stillafool Posted March 15, 2023 Posted March 15, 2023 If you were my boy friend I would no longer come to your place because that picture would make me uncomfortable. It would probably be over soon after that because I wouldn't think you were serious about me. 3
JTSW Posted March 15, 2023 Posted March 15, 2023 If you care about her OP then you need to be more sensitive to her feelings. She doesn't like seeing your ex's photo. It makes her uncomfortable and rightly so. Question is, what are you going to do about it? Are you going to take it down? Or leave it there and lose her? 1
mark clemson Posted March 15, 2023 Posted March 15, 2023 12 hours ago, IsItReallyYou said: I've heard the full gamut of opinions from various people in my life, to saying that this shows that I'm not willing to compromise and therefore not ready for a relationship, to saying that this shows major insecurity on my girlfriend's part. What say you? Why pick just one?
BrinnM Posted March 15, 2023 Posted March 15, 2023 (edited) I personally don’t think it’s that big of a deal and I wouldn’t be offended. Especially 1) because it’s in the context of a friend group. Plus, 2) you’ve only been dating for a month if I understand correctly. Like you, OP, I wouldn’t appreciate it if a new boyfriend told me what to do with my wall decorations. So I understand where you’re coming from. …. what I would be slightly worried about maybe in the long run - but that’s not a given either & I’m just spitballing here – is that if she’s still somewhat intertwined with that friend group (that you’re obviously also still involved with, hence the picture collage of all of you together), then that might cause maybe some minor issues in the future. But at the same time you’re saying that you haven’t seen your ex in a while, so I’m not sure. Anyways - if you and your new GF move in together maybe in the future, I’m sure that collage will disappear into thin air. I wouldn’t sweat it, and if she does (sweat it), you have a decision to make. It all depends on how much you let her control your life that early in the relationship. Edited March 15, 2023 by BrinnM 1
Alpacalia Posted March 15, 2023 Posted March 15, 2023 (edited) Are these photos just of you two together, or are they marked up with horns and crossed-out eyes with the words "devil woman." That would make a difference. Edited March 15, 2023 by Alpacalia
introverted1 Posted March 15, 2023 Posted March 15, 2023 This photo wouldn't bother me at all and it certainly wouldn't be the hill I'd choose to die on... or end the relationship over. I'm assuming you've explained the photo to her as you have to us? If so, this is apparently a big deal to your gf so you're going to have to decide whether it's more important to appease her or to keep the photo up. Perhaps there's a less prominent location in your apartment where the collage can be relocated to? 1
smackie9 Posted March 15, 2023 Posted March 15, 2023 If you ever want a relationship with someone....take it down on your own accord.
ShyViolet Posted March 15, 2023 Posted March 15, 2023 14 hours ago, IsItReallyYou said: Do you think that keeping past photos of exes up on instagram is weird also? Some people might find that a little bit weird, but it's not nearly as weird as having photos of your ex up on the walls of your house. If you were single or not dating that's one thing. But if you expect to have a new relationship and the new partner to have to live with that, I think you're being unreasonable. 4
ShyViolet Posted March 15, 2023 Posted March 15, 2023 1 hour ago, introverted1 said: Perhaps there's a less prominent location in your apartment where the collage can be relocated to? Yeah like inside of a photo album. If we want to have interactions and relationships with other people we all have to make compromises in life. 2
Ami1uwant Posted March 15, 2023 Posted March 15, 2023 (edited) My thoughts…. gives me flashbacks to a friends bachelor party where we went to see the Canadian ballet and had a group picture with a dancer. I said I should save it for posterity…and I was not married.no he insisted on bringing it home and his fiancé wouldn’t mind…. This same guy has done a bunch of photo collections in a frame over the years and has a bunch of them in the basement. if this is a bunch of pictures in a frame about events in your life, there isn’t a problem. If this was just you and her on a wall thrn it can be concerning. It says you aren’t over her. this gets complicated say if you and her were married and you had children together. Edited March 15, 2023 by Ami1uwant
Gaeta Posted March 15, 2023 Posted March 15, 2023 OP, whether we are secure women or anxious women, we are women and very little women would like these types of pictures on the new boyfriend's living room wall. We, women, are relationship oriented. When we meet a man we let the whole world know about it so before she told you to take it down you bet she talked about this with her friends, her sister, and probably posted this into a forum like here. If she mentioned something it's because it really bothers her. If this relationship doesn't work you bet everyone around her will tell her...of course! the man still had pictures of his ex on his wall. Are you starting this relationship with a 'good and open heart'? or are you starting this relationship on the defensive 'no one tells me what I put on my wall'. 2
Gaeta Posted March 15, 2023 Posted March 15, 2023 2 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said: has a bunch of them in the basement. That's the magic word, in the basement. That's where pictures of our ex belong, in our bedroom closet or the basement.
Alpacalia Posted March 15, 2023 Posted March 15, 2023 I would find it weird. Regardless, it seems apparent that you are very much dealing with something and that something is pulling your focus away from the new lady in your life and from your future without your ex (whether the new woman is there for it or not) and is keeping you in the past. You may be saying goodbye to your new girlfriend with this gesture. It's certainly not the best way to treat her. If in new woman's shoes, I would say to you that it bothers me to see the pictures of your ex-girlfriend, and you don't seem to care about my feelings in this regard. If you are that attached to them and won't put them away, perhaps we can go out versus visiting your place. 1
Lotsgoingon Posted March 15, 2023 Posted March 15, 2023 If she were my friend, I'd tell her to dump you immediately and not look back. That's based on all the stories I know of people saying they were over the exes when they were not. BTW: one year ago is not a long time at all when it comes to exes. I confess: I've told people I was over exes when I was not, sometimes sincerely because I thought I was over the ex.! I've done that and others have done that with me. Any weirdness about an ex--major red flag. Your justification for this photo--that you don't want someone controlling you--is also a red flag. Compromising isn't being controlled. And in a relationship you will have to make many many compromises, but they are easier to make when you make a real effort to see the other person's perspective. I don't sense any effort on your part of seeing things from her perspective. So multiple red flags here. I'd recommend this woman to cut all ties with you and move on. 3
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