LostInHisOwnWorld Posted March 11, 2023 Posted March 11, 2023 Full disclosure, I'm not very experienced at dating. I've only slept with a few people and just started taking dating seriously recently. We (28/M and 30/F) matched on a dating app and met for drinks 2 days later. I noticed she was a pretty mixed texter, sometimes texting a lot, other times responding with 2 or 3 words. Anywho, our first date went well, ended with a kiss, and we both wanted to meet again. 2nd date went good and we ended up back at her place, though she made it clear she wanted to take things slow. We did some touching but she stopped things before anything very sexual happened. I stayed over, we scheduled the next date, and she texted me a LOT the day after, despite saying on the date that she wasn't a big texter in general. We had a 3rd date. Ended up at hers again and we sorta had sex, as in I managed to get it in for 2 seconds before going soft, after which we did hand stuff though neither of us finished. She made it clear that me going soft didn't bother her and she knew it could happen. We cuddled like crazy and I suggested going steady, which she agreed to. Next day, I got quite a few chit-chatty texts from her like last time. This last week though, she's been weird. I initiated contact both times, and while she's responded and without delay, her replies have been short. I scheduled another date which she agreed to, although her messages were short and seemed pretty cold, and she got a bit pissed off that I didn't buy the tickets for both of us to the event we planned to go to; I'd assumed we'd get our own. She canceled the next day cus a storm hit our part of the country, but my gut told me that she wasn't that enthused to go to begin with. She did mention having a shitty week at work, which is probably a factor but still, why agree to go in the first place then if you're in a bad mood? I've gone on a trip to another country for the weekend. After she cancelled our date I said we'd do something when I get back, to which she replied with just a smile emoji, which I found very mixed. That was 4 days ago; she hasn't text me at all, meaning re-initiating contact will again be up to me. I feel that after you've been on a few dates, a girl should be initiating contact at least now and again, although maybe it can differ... Again, lack of experience showing here. I dunno. Has she lost interest, or are mixed messages like this normal? I'll admit, this is the first time I've gotten past a 3rd date in quite a few months, so I am acting kinda anxious. I checked my dating app (I currently have my profile turned off) and I've noticed that her location still changes time to time, so she definitely still opens it. Would like some advice on whether I still have a shot and what I should do. Thanks. Tl;dr -- Been on 3 dates with a girl. She seemed reasonably enthusiastic until the last week, when she agreed to a 4th date but her responses have been way shorter and colder than normal. She cancelled due to bad weather and I said we'd do something when I get back from my trip, which she replied to with just a smile emoji. I'm pretty sure she still checks her dating apps despite us going steady. We got somewhat sexual on our 3rd date. Would like to know whether I should still pursue her.
ShyViolet Posted March 11, 2023 Posted March 11, 2023 It does sound like she is going cold. But what I would do is ask her out on one more date when you get back from your trip. Make it very direct and try to make concrete plans. That way you will have your answer one way or another. If she avoids it, says she is "busy" or doesn't give a clear answer, then don't text her again. 1
Lotsgoingon Posted March 11, 2023 Posted March 11, 2023 (edited) If you're not experienced dating, you should not be trying to have sex on the third date. That's just going to increase your anxiety. Just make out, kiss and touch. And talk. Til you really get to know this person. So yes, she's distant because you guys had sex (or the start of sex) way before you got to know each other. And she feels awkward. You put yourself in maximum anxiety by having sex so soon which likely contributed to your problem. Slow things down. Do you even like this woman? Edited March 11, 2023 by Lotsgoingon 2
Gaeta Posted March 11, 2023 Posted March 11, 2023 (edited) She says she wants to take things slow but agrees to sex on 2nd date. She says she agrees to go steady but still log on the dating app. If l were you l wouldn't put all my hopes on this one. I think she got disappointed when sex failed. Yes yes she said she understands but it's just something we say. If you can't get it up we feel maybe we're not attractive enough. also relationship is about support, patience, understanding but you don't know each other enough for those feelings to be generated on 2bd date when sex fails. I doubt something will materialize here. I suggest you concentrate on *dating* and forget about going to these ladies place until you got a few dates confirming you are both connecting so if sex isn't mind blowing the first time you have that connection to carry you through it. Edited March 11, 2023 by Gaeta 1
introverted1 Posted March 12, 2023 Posted March 12, 2023 5 hours ago, LostInHisOwnWorld said: I scheduled another date which she agreed to, although her messages were short and seemed pretty cold, and she got a bit pissed off that I didn't buy the tickets for both of us to the event we planned to go to; Can you fill in the details about this? How did it come to pass that you invited her to an event but expected her to buy her own ticket (in advance)? 1
Wiseman2 Posted March 12, 2023 Posted March 12, 2023 11 hours ago, LostInHisOwnWorld said: She cancelled due to bad weather and I said we'd do something when I get back from my trip, Stay in touch lightly while you're away and arrange a date for when you return. Keep in mind that after 3 dates you're both still talking to and meeting others. Even if things were too much too soon, she is still looking around. Slow down. Avoid in-house dates the first few times and avoid sleep overs. Unfortunately because of that she may want to distance herself. Perhaps she doesn't want a hookup situation and regrets it?
Author LostInHisOwnWorld Posted March 12, 2023 Author Posted March 12, 2023 First off, thanks to everyone for their replies. Yeah, I suppose we did rush things a bit and maybe she's feeling awkward about the whole thing, seeing as she wanted to take things slow yet let me back to her place. I intend to take someone's advice to bite the bullet and ask her out anyway, with the understanding that I'll move on if I don't get a yes. 9 hours ago, introverted1 said: Can you fill in the details about this? How did it come to pass that you invited her to an event but expected her to buy her own ticket (in advance)? I text her and asked her out and suggested a gig happening in a local bar. She said yeah though didn't sound particularly enthusiastic (although she was kinda like that too when I asked her out for our first date). I said I would book my ticket now, she said ok, then a few hours later she asked if I had booked hers also. I said no but offered to do so and she said no, forget it and she mentioned she would've bought me food or something if I'd had. I interpreted that as her getting pissed off. I dunno, we had gone Dutch on everything so far so I assumed this would be no different. Guess I read the situation wrong.
Wiseman2 Posted March 12, 2023 Posted March 12, 2023 51 minutes ago, LostInHisOwnWorld said: . I said I would book my ticket now, she said ok, then a few hours later she asked if I had booked hers also. I said no but offered to do so and she said no, forget it When you invite her to something you pick out, make it like a date and pay. Try to keep things simple. A meal, drinks whatever. 1
introverted1 Posted March 12, 2023 Posted March 12, 2023 54 minutes ago, LostInHisOwnWorld said: I said I would book my ticket now, she said ok, then a few hours later she asked if I had booked hers also. I said no but offered to do so and she said no, forget it and she mentioned she would've bought me food or something if I'd had. This feels awkward to me. I am happy to go dutch on a date or even to pay outright (I prefer taking turns to going dutch) but, early on, if a man invited me to an event where tickets were required, I'd expect he'd buy both tickets unless we'd explicitly agreed to each buy our own. I'd then pay for something else that night - the drinks, the meal beforehand, etc. It could be that she'd already started to lose enthusiasm (the early, unsuccessful sex doesn't help, even if she didn't "mind," per se) and this was just another small thing she wouldn't have minded had it been the only thing but, early on especially, too many small things not too mind can quickly add up to a bigger buzzkill. 3
Lotsgoingon Posted March 12, 2023 Posted March 12, 2023 Dude you weren't fast to sex "a bit." No, you were ridiculously fast, especially if you have anxiety and performance anxiety. Now, if you wanted a casual and brief thing, by all means have sex very quickly. You're not going to see the person much after that. If you want a relationship, you want to get to know the person well enough (and trust them enough) that you can fully relax while having sex. You're inexperienced you say, so go slower. Trust me: women don't like you any worse for going slower. Even if she gets in bed with you soon (as was the case) here, doesn't mean that much. If you want a relationship, you date like you want a relationship. You get to know the person to figure out if they are worth sleeping with, if they are safe to sleep with. And to figure out if you REALLY like them and if they like you in the way you want to be liked. You can only figure out these things by going on a number of dates and talking and talking and observing and so on. Kiss to your heart's content, but stay away from sex. 2
smackie9 Posted March 16, 2023 Posted March 16, 2023 You invite her out to a paid event and expected her to pay for her own ticket? Now that's a deal breaker. Be a gentleman. You ask them out you pay. If they offer to pay half that's when you can decide to let them paid for their own way or not. She's turned cold...it's time to move on.
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