Does only having problems when you're in a relationship = You haven't met the right person?

[Z4nd3rz0ne]

 

I only ever seem to have problems with people when I'm in a relationship. Otherwise, when I'm single, my life is quiet and smooth sailing - I get on with people fine, I am polite, and there are no issues of conflict like arguing, blame-shifting, shutting down, or aggravating the other person by forgetting something / doing something in a different way to them.

Is this a sign that one may simply be in relationships with the wrong people, or that one may not be cut out for relationships at all if it only arises during relationships?

My last relationship was full of conflict that started as early in as one month of dating. It was highly unusual and I knew it, it made me second-guess myself and feel bad about myself. The relationship before that, there was virtually no conflict, but the other person never communicated how they felt and I never knew the real reason for the breakup. So with the stark difference between those two, it's hard to know if I am the problem or not.

Edited March 11, 2023 by Z4nd3rz0ne

[Wiseman2]

18 minutes ago, Z4nd3rz0ne said:

My last relationship was full of conflict that started as early in as one month of dating. 

This indicates incompatibly and being with the wrong woman. Slow down, don't move into a woman's house or live together too soon. 

If you're equally happy single or in a relationship, that's a good sign, so it's a matter of slowing down to assess compatibility beforehand.

[Gaeta]

2 hours ago, Z4nd3rz0ne said:

like arguing, blame-shifting, shutting down, or aggravating the other person by forgetting something / doing something in a different way to them.

Your part of the problem is continuing dating a person that shows these traits after one month dating.  Sounds like you are a kind person that lets his partner walk over him. 

Dating is a period to get to know someone and test if we're compatible, if right from beginning you experience shutting down, arguing, blame-shifting, it's because you're dating a toxic person.

[Z4nd3rz0ne]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

Your part of the problem is continuing dating a person that shows these traits after one month dating.  Sounds like you are a kind person that lets his partner walk over him. 

Dating is a period to get to know someone and test if we're compatible, if right from beginning you experience shutting down, arguing, blame-shifting, it's because you're dating a toxic person.

Sometimes I don't know whether it's me that's the toxic one, because I'm the one to do things like shut down and being defensive when I'm feeling scrutinized. I don't get like this when I'm single, some partners just bring out the worst in me. Usually before it ends, I seem to end up looking like the villain when they end it with me. 

[Gaeta]

1 minute ago, Z4nd3rz0ne said:

 I'm the one to do things like shut down and being defensive when I'm feeling scrutinized. I don't get like this when I'm single, some partners just bring out the worst in me.

Can you give an exemple of what would make you feel scrutinized and what puts you on the defensive.

[Wiseman2]

8 minutes ago, Z4nd3rz0ne said:

 I'm the one to do things like shut down and being defensive when I'm feeling scrutinized.  Usually before it ends, I seem to end up looking like the villain when they end it with me. 

Unfortunately you moved into this woman's house very quickly and unfortunately only found out later that you're incompatible.  All you can do in the future is stay where you are and date for a while before living together. 

[smackie9]

What you are asking is quite complex to approach and give you some definitive answers. I suggest you talk this over with a therapist to see if you have an undiagnosed personality condition/disorder where you have trouble with coping, or are misunderstanding their intentions. Or you are just picking people that are not compatible and that can cause conflict. There is always a possibility that you get triggered in these situations, because of a past childhood trauma. It could be layers of things that need to be pulled away with discussions/discoveries to figure this out.

[Gaeta]

I've read your last thread and sounds to me you rushed in a relationship/moved in with someone you barely knew and turned out you were nowhere compatible.

For a relationship to last it takes love but most of all it takes compatible personalities. She sounded entitled, difficult, unflexible and impatient. Her list of complains after just a few months was longer than my grocery list. That's not normal. Next time enjoy *dating* and get to know her character before miving together which should be after 1-2 years dating. 

[Z4nd3rz0ne]

14 hours ago, Gaeta said:

I've read your last thread and sounds to me you rushed in a relationship/moved in with someone you barely knew and turned out you were nowhere compatible.

For a relationship to last it takes love but most of all it takes compatible personalities. She sounded entitled, difficult, unflexible and impatient. Her list of complains after just a few months was longer than my grocery list. That's not normal. Next time enjoy *dating* and get to know her character before miving together which should be after 1-2 years dating. 

My exes are tapped, the most recent one got in touch with all my past exes and they've all befriended each other, and now they've each sent me abusive messages. How twisted is that? Bonding over a dislike of someone. One I haven't spoken to in 9 YEARS last night left a nasty comment on my social media because of my most recent ex's influence. I haven't been perfect in relationships, but those exes were absolutely far from being angels and they treated me with disrespect. They refuse to take into account their own behaviour that contributed to my reactions and the demise of the relationships. 

Edited March 12, 2023 by Z4nd3rz0ne

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Z4nd3rz0ne said:

 got in touch with all my past exes and they've all befriended each other, and now they've each sent me abusive messages. 

Delete and block all of them and all their people from ALL your social media and messaging apps. There's no reason to expose yourself to this nonsense.

[Gaeta]

1 hour ago, Z4nd3rz0ne said:

How twisted is that?

That is twisted and it tells me you always pick the same type of women and they're not the 'sincere heart' ones. 

The only way to go forward is to look at the part you played and how to change it. There is no healing in concentrating on what others did. 

[Weezy1973]

On 3/11/2023 at 1:35 AM, Z4nd3rz0ne said:

it's hard to know if I am the problem or not.

No it’s not. You are the problem. Either you create a toxic relationship environment or you pick toxic women to be in relationships with. Either way, it’s you. 

[Ami1uwant]

On 3/11/2023 at 9:17 AM, Z4nd3rz0ne said:

Sometimes I don't know whether it's me that's the toxic one, because I'm the one to do things like shut down and being defensive when I'm feeling scrutinized. I don't get like this when I'm single, some partners just bring out the worst in me. Usually before it ends, I seem to end up looking like the villain when they end it with me. 

How are you scrutinized?  What’s in your behavior that triggers the conflict?

[Els]

I mean, it's hard to say. You can't compare your interactions in a LTR to your interactions with other people. Romantic relationships typically involve a degree of intimacy, vulnerability, rawness and even just practical logistics that most people don't experience with anyone when they are single. It's like... having a best friend that you live with and have sex with, are planning a future with, are involved with each others' families, and you're only allowed one best friend. Obviously, your partner is going to see a side of you that your coworker who only sees your professional facade, or your friend that you only see once a week, won't.

Your questions are probably best answered by talking regularly to a therapist. They should be able to help you find patterns in your relationships and your behaviours, that might escape your notice.

[NuevoYorko]

No, it doesn't mean that.    Well, let me re-phrase that:  Clearly you haven't met the right person.  But, the fact that you are regularly embroiled in conflict, drama, and/ or discord / lack of communication when you are in a relationship indicates that there are things about you and how you function in relationships that are problematic.  

If you get yourself sorted out, you will not be in any relationships like the ones you describe, because you will recognize that they're not right for you and you won't be involved in them.   

Work on yourself.  Then comes the time when you are ready for the "right person" and will be equipped to recognize them and do your part to create a healthy relationship with them.  

If you are not ready, the "right person" won't be available to you.

 

[basil67]

I think context is really helpful here, so I'm linking to your previous thread

The way you've described your bad moods and negativity in points 1 & 2 makes it sound like it's an issue you're living with on a frequent basis, so I'd say that it's time that you got your mental health seen to.  Best to see your GP and start a discussion about it. 

It's also concerning that in point 3 you write "I was apparently self-centred and often put my needs before hers. (this is quite true to a certain extent, I'm an only child and never learned to care for others".  There are plenty of only children who can and do care for others, so I feel you're not taking full responsibility for your choices.   As part of addressing your mental health, I think that you would do well in working to unpack this self-centredness.  

Numbers 4 and 5 are hard to comment on because these involve a second person and so both of you would have been adding to the dynamic.  

I strongly suggest that you don't date further until you've gotten yourself into a better headspace.  One where you're content in life and thoughtful to the needs of others. 

[Z4nd3rz0ne]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

I think context is really helpful here, so I'm linking to your previous thread

The way you've described your bad moods and negativity in points 1 & 2 makes it sound like it's an issue you're living with on a frequent basis, so I'd say that it's time that you got your mental health seen to.  Best to see your GP and start a discussion about it. 

It's also concerning that in point 3 you write "I was apparently self-centred and often put my needs before hers. (this is quite true to a certain extent, I'm an only child and never learned to care for others".  There are plenty of only children who can and do care for others, so I feel you're not taking full responsibility for your choices.   As part of addressing your mental health, I think that you would do well in working to unpack this self-centredness.  

Numbers 4 and 5 are hard to comment on because these involve a second person and so both of you would have been adding to the dynamic.  

I strongly suggest that you don't date further until you've gotten yourself into a better headspace.  One where you're content in life and thoughtful to the needs of others. 

Funnily enough, my bouts of bad moods have magically disappeared since we split. Very telling, no? 

[basil67]

2 hours ago, Z4nd3rz0ne said:

Funnily enough, my bouts of bad moods have magically disappeared since we split. Very telling, no? 

To a certain extent I'd expect you to be feeling better.  But you spoke of numerous issues on your own end - particularly struggling with negativity, never learned to care for others and low self esteem.  And I realise that you may not have wanted to go to events, but you should have excused yourself from the event rather than being unpleasant around others.   We need to own our behaviour.

 

[NuevoYorko]

Here's a handy cliche:  Wherever you go, there you are.  This includes relationships.  Whatever you bring to the bad ones you'll be bringing to the others.   Please don't hang your own issues or behaviors on another person.

[Z4nd3rz0ne]

On 3/11/2023 at 2:21 PM, Gaeta said:

Can you give an exemple of what would make you feel scrutinized and what puts you on the defensive.

I think it was the fact that I could never do anything right with her, there were times when she would belittle me, or if she felt I didn't do something to her standards, she would be critical and there was this dynamic of me always being 'in the doghouse' for one reason or the other. I couldn't relax. Towards the end of the relationship, I will admit I stopped being happy, I stopped caring to put my best foot forward, and I became a shell of myself. 

Edited March 13, 2023 by Z4nd3rz0ne

[Z4nd3rz0ne]

8 hours ago, basil67 said:

To a certain extent I'd expect you to be feeling better.  But you spoke of numerous issues on your own end - particularly struggling with negativity, never learned to care for others and low self esteem.  And I realise that you may not have wanted to go to events, but you should have excused yourself from the event rather than being unpleasant around others.   We need to own our behaviour.

 

Yes, true. However, if I wanted to opt out of events, she would shame me, it would start an argument and she accuse me of not making an effort. I felt like I had no space, always felt like we were doing what she wanted to do, like I was living her life and I lost all my own identity. 

[NuevoYorko]

4 hours ago, Z4nd3rz0ne said:

Yes, true. However, if I wanted to opt out of events, she would shame me, it would start an argument and she accuse me of not making an effort. I felt like I had no space, always felt like we were doing what she wanted to do, like I was living her life and I lost all my own identity. 

The "victim" mindset is not helping you.  As the other person mentioned, we need to own our own behavior.  

 

[JTSW]

You need to put dating on the back burner for a while and work on yourself.

Try to figure out why you have problems in EVERY relationship you enter in to.

I don't think it's one sided.

You have some pretty big issues to address with yourself.

You are not a victim.