JTSW Posted March 10, 2023 Posted March 10, 2023 18 hours ago, Glx said: I just can't believe him. He says that he forgot about this girl long time ago and it was not a relationship, she was not his GF, they just "had something" according to him and he was not happy with her, just tried to forget me. But how come ge goes traveling with her, if he was not in love? I just have a feeling that he is lying... especially since he doesnt even mention his vacation with her You don't have to be in love with someone to travel with them. She obviously just went along to keep him company. He hasn't done anything wrong and you weren't together so you have no right to be upset about any of this. He doesn't have to justify his activities when he was single. What he did while single has nothing to do with you. You are being very unreasonable. 14 hours ago, Glx said: why did he go on vacation with the same girl after 6 months? Took her along just for sex no doubt. It doesn't matter. 18 hours ago, Glx said: it is not the fact that he dated someone else - i did too The bolded - There you have it. You are no different. You dated someone else too. This relationship is never going to last if you keep getting hung on up things that do not matter.
FMW Posted March 10, 2023 Posted March 10, 2023 Do you not believe him because he's done things to make you distrust him, or do you not believe him because you have a jealousy problem? If it's the first then getting back together is a waste of time. If it's the latter, you need to work on your own issues and stop questioning him before you destroy any chance of this reconciliation working. 1
stillafool Posted March 10, 2023 Posted March 10, 2023 Oh just break up with him because you're never going to get over this or trust him again. You hold him responsible for what he does when in the relationship with you and when you're broken up. This is going nowhere and sooner or later he's going to grow tired of being policed and not trusted. Just end it now. 3
Gaeta Posted March 10, 2023 Posted March 10, 2023 You don't ask questions that you know you can't handle the answer. If you're the jealous type then don't ask what your boyfriends did before you. It's not an important information, what's important is today how he treats you and how he treated you back before 2021. You base your judgement on that. You also cannot reflect <your feelings> on other people. Maybe to you travelling with another person means something deeper, for A LOT of people it means nothing. It's not because something means something to you that it means the same to other people. 3
ShyViolet Posted March 10, 2023 Posted March 10, 2023 He is probably keeping details about the relationship from you because he knows that you are going to overreact and be ridiculous about it. You have an unhealthy obsession with knowing every little detail of this past relationship he had. There is no reason for you to dig so deep into the details of this relationship and what they did together. He wasn't with you at the time and he did nothing wrong. If you don't get a handle on your insecurity and jealousy, you are going to sabotage this relationship. I don't think you are ready to date at all until you work on your issues. You and him weren't together for that year, he had every right to date someone else. And why are you so obsessed with the fact that they took a couple of vacations together.... why is that so hard for you to accept? Whether they traveled somewhere together or not, it still doesn't concern you. That relationship is over and he's with you now. If you can't be happy with that and let this go, then do this guy a favor and break up with him because I'm sure he doesn't need all this drama in his life. 3
MsJayne Posted March 10, 2023 Posted March 10, 2023 On 3/10/2023 at 12:58 AM, Glx said: But how come ge goes traveling with her, if he was not in love? Because he was in a foreign country and he wanted to see some of it, and probably she's a local and was nice enough to accompany him. It's not about you, it's actually nothing to do with you, it's just him living his life, a life which doesn't evolve around you.
Lotsgoingon Posted March 10, 2023 Posted March 10, 2023 OP, Definitely consider therapy. One, this knowledge isn't a problem that most people would get hung up with. And the "most people" I'm talking about are also people with insecurities and fears. Two, you have your negative reaction, and that's OK too even though many of us here say your worry is misplaced. Yet you are tormented. If you're going to be jealous, claim that. If you think he's still in love with this woman, then dismiss him and happily move on. You can't even do that. Clearly this guy likes you quite a lot, and you must have a lot of great qualities or else he wouldn't. So therapy isn't remedial or a sign that you are defective. Just means you have a trigger spot that throws you into confusion and torment. Therapy could be a way to free up all your good qualities to emerge, so that you can thrive in the world with a lot less torment. 2
Wiseman2 Posted March 10, 2023 Posted March 10, 2023 On 3/9/2023 at 10:04 AM, Glx said: .It is not the fact that he dated someone else - i did too - It does seem like he's minimizing it. But that's ok. You weren't together. It seems like he's using a 'don't ask, don't tell' approach to prevent headaches. If he were new to your relationship he wouldn't mention his past exploits either. So you'll have to be more confident and accept that he's focusing on you rather than some summer fling. Discontinue looking at her social media trying to piece together clues.
Author Glx Posted March 14, 2023 Author Posted March 14, 2023 On 3/10/2023 at 7:14 PM, ShyViolet said: He is probably keeping details about the relationship from you because he knows that you are going to overreact and be ridiculous about it. You have an unhealthy obsession with knowing every little detail of this past relationship he had. There is no reason for you to dig so deep into the details of this relationship and what they did together. He wasn't with you at the time and he did nothing wrong. If you don't get a handle on your insecurity and jealousy, you are going to sabotage this relationship. I don't think you are ready to date at all until you work on your issues. You and him weren't together for that year, he had every right to date someone else. And why are you so obsessed with the fact that they took a couple of vacations together.... why is that so hard for you to accept? Whether they traveled somewhere together or not, it still doesn't concern you. That relationship is over and he's with you now. If you can't be happy with that and let this go, then do this guy a favor and break up with him because I'm sure he doesn't need all this drama in his life. He never went on vacation with me before, this is why it is something big for me. This weekend i told him that i know about their vacation, that i saw photos on social networks. He did not want to tell me about it because "he knew exactly what it would lead to". According to him, after his semester abroad they were not in contact, and that was the time he tried to contact me again but i did not respond, it was just breadcrumbs. After his failed attempts to write me this girl apparently contacted him again, and they chatted for about a month and took a spontaneous decision to go traveling (she lives very far away and according to him it was the only option to meet). He thought it might be a cool experience, but in reality it was not - during the vacation they fought, he was pissed quite a lot and he realised he does not want this and actually wants me. I asked him, why did he like this girl? He said "it was just easy with her at first, sometimes she was kind of like a psychologist - i talked a lot about you and she helped me deal with it".
Author Glx Posted March 14, 2023 Author Posted March 14, 2023 It made things a bit easier for me, but you all are probably right - i can't trust him completely and still believe he was kind of in love with her, if after such a long pause and some chatting he planned that vacation. Sometimes it is hard for me to have sex with him or kiss him, because i imagine how he did it to her, and it makes me sick. Even when he says "i liked her, but it does not come near anything i ever felt for you" i can only contectrate on the first part, that he liked her And i should say, she looks very hot and a bit similar to me, this is why it it also not easy. Of course he says that he finds me more beautiful, but i do not believe it
JTSW Posted March 14, 2023 Posted March 14, 2023 (edited) 29 minutes ago, Glx said: I asked him, why did he like this girl? He said "it was just easy with her at first, sometimes she was kind of like a psychologist - i talked a lot about you and she helped me deal with it". Like I said before, she was just company. 23 minutes ago, Glx said: i can't trust him completely and still believe he was kind of in love with her, Doesnt sound like he was in love with her at all. you are just seriously insecure, believing the worst that's not even true. 23 minutes ago, Glx said: Even when he says "i liked her, but it does not come near anything i ever felt for you" i can only contectrate on the first part, that he liked her And i should say, she looks very hot and a bit similar to me, this is why it it also not easy. Of course he says that he finds me more beautiful, but i do not believe it It doesn't matter what she looks like. She didn't mean anything to him. It also doesn't matter that he liked her. He was allowed to like anyone he wanted. You got together with another guy too and obviously liked him. What makes him any different from you? I really think you need to break up for good because you have too many insecurities. You are the one ruining this, not him. If you can't let go of something so insignificant and unimportant then there is no point in continuing the relationship. He deserves better. I think the best thing for you to go your separate ways. Edited March 14, 2023 by JTSW
ShyViolet Posted March 14, 2023 Posted March 14, 2023 6 hours ago, Glx said: It made things a bit easier for me, but you all are probably right - i can't trust him completely You "can't trust him" just because he dated someone else for a period of time while you were broken up with him? This makes absolutely no sense. As we have said multiple times, he did nothing wrong. You are the one who is letting your irrational thoughts get out of control. 6 hours ago, Glx said: Sometimes it is hard for me to have sex with him or kiss him, because i imagine how he did it to her, and it makes me sick. Even when he says "i liked her, but it does not come near anything i ever felt for you" i can only contectrate on the first part, that he liked her And i should say, she looks very hot and a bit similar to me, this is why it it also not easy. Of course he says that he finds me more beautiful, but i do not believe it Your mental health is not in a good place. You are not going to be able to function in any relationship until you get some serious therapy to work on your insecurity and jealousy issues. This is not normal behavior, the way you are acting and obsessing over this. It's almost as if you will never be able to function in a relationship unless you date someone who has never been with anyone else, and you are their first gf. Good luck finding that. I suggest you get professional help. 4
ExpatInItaly Posted March 14, 2023 Posted March 14, 2023 You need to just break up with him, OP. This relationship has a snowball's chance in h*ll of working out. I'm sorry.
Author Glx Posted March 14, 2023 Author Posted March 14, 2023 1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said: You need to just break up with him, OP. This relationship has a snowball's chance in h*ll of working out. I'm sorry. why do you think i should do it?
Gaeta Posted March 14, 2023 Posted March 14, 2023 12 hours ago, Glx said: Sometimes it is hard for me to have sex with him or kiss him, because i imagine how he did it to her, and it makes me sick. You will never be happy with this man. You want to feel like this for a life time? Why exactly did you take him back? He broke up with you and didn't fight much to keep you back in 2021. You can glue back a broken vase but it will remain a broken vase. Your vase is broken.
Author Glx Posted March 14, 2023 Author Posted March 14, 2023 9 minutes ago, Gaeta said: You will never be happy with this man. You want to feel like this for a life time? Why exactly did you take him back? He broke up with you and didn't fight much to keep you back in 2021. You can glue back a broken vase but it will remain a broken vase. Your vase is broken. Because we had the same feelings about each other after one year of not seeing each other, and no one has ever treated me as good as he did. He never started a fight himself and he never wanted to change anything in me - it was me who always complained about something or was jealous and insecure. And in 2021 there were just too many fights.
Gaeta Posted March 14, 2023 Posted March 14, 2023 19 minutes ago, Glx said: He never started a fight himself and he never wanted to change anything in me - it was me who always complained about something or was jealous and insecure. And in 2021 there were just too many fights. So you were the problem it seems. Have you changed? Otherwise why would it work better this time?
basil67 Posted March 15, 2023 Posted March 15, 2023 On 3/9/2023 at 7:57 PM, Glx said: I do not understand why would he hide their vacation together. (and i have a proof that it for sure happened) I really feel bad for the last days, compare myself to her constantly, and ask myself why did he do it. Previously we have never even been on vacation together, and he did it with her! And it is hard to pretend that everything is ok and i believe him, when i know for sure that he doesnt tell everything. What can I do? I love him very much, but I cannot forgive him that he had another girl during this time... please help 2 hours ago, Glx said: it was me who always complained about something or was jealous and insecure. And in 2021 there were just too many fights. The answer to your bolded question is in the rest of the text - it's because he knew you'd get irrationally upset. Even if he had told you, I suspect that your reaction would have been much the same. 3
FMW Posted March 15, 2023 Posted March 15, 2023 Have you never loved or even really liked someone else? If so, is your time and experience with them any threat to how you feel about your current boyfriend? After a certain age we all have a history of former "loves". The important part to remember is they are former - the relationships ended, for a reason. They were a moment in time that no longer exists and have no power unless you give them power. You had no commitment to each other when you were broken up, he was just trying to live his life. He chose to be with you again and that's what you should be focused on. Whether or not this works out, in the future do not discuss previous relationships with your current partner or potential partner. You know now it's a problem for you. Leave the past in the past if you want a future with someone. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted March 15, 2023 Posted March 15, 2023 6 hours ago, Glx said: why do you think i should do it? Because you are too insecure and lack apperopriate boundaries. You won't be capable of a healthy relationship until you address your own issues. You will continue to punish him for things that are none of your business. Eventually, he will get tired of this and end it anyway, but the damage is already done. You are the problem here, not him. 4
JTSW Posted March 15, 2023 Posted March 15, 2023 10 hours ago, Glx said: why do you think i should do it? Because he deserves better than this. You are too insecure and irrational. 10 hours ago, Glx said: He never started a fight himself and he never wanted to change anything in me - it was me who always complained about something or was jealous and insecure. And in 2021 there were just too many fights. So you were the one causing the issues in the relationship. And you are still doing it. You need to seek therapy to help you understand your issues. Every commenter here have all said the same thing, that you need help. 2
stillafool Posted March 15, 2023 Posted March 15, 2023 Even if you break up with this bf your next relationship won't work out either until you resolve your jealousy issues. No one will want to put up with that. 3
NuevoYorko Posted March 15, 2023 Posted March 15, 2023 On 3/14/2023 at 3:33 AM, Glx said: This weekend i told him that i know about their vacation, that i saw photos on social networks. He did not want to tell me about it because "he knew exactly what it would lead to". Honestly I can't believe he's still there. There is no winning in the situation he's in. He must have some pretty serious self esteem issues of his own that need to be worked through. I hope you break up very quickly for both of your sakes. This is pretty sick. 2
David33 Posted March 16, 2023 Posted March 16, 2023 Lies, even "small" ones, are no bueno. That's a trust issue. If you don't feel it, you two will have to rebuild it. It will take time. If neither of you is up for it, let him go.
JTSW Posted March 17, 2023 Posted March 17, 2023 16 hours ago, David33 said: Lies, even "small" ones, are no bueno. That's a trust issue. If you don't feel it, you two will have to rebuild it. It will take time. If neither of you is up for it, let him go. He didn't lie. They weren't together for a year. They both dated other people. He went on a trip with someone when he was single, that's allowed. He never betrayed her trust. She is one with jealousy issues. She is the one causing the friction in the relationship. 4
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