We got back together, I can't let go of his past. What to do?

March 9, 2023

So we broke up in 2021, did not communicate with each other for a year. He went to another country. A year later he wanted to meet me, moved back to our country, confessed his feelings and made a lot of effort to restore the relationship. He positively changed in a lot of ways and made things he hadn't done for me even in our "previous" relationship.

And all would be well, we've been together for 5 months now again, very happy. The questions of his past did not bother me, i have not asked them until now.

Recently i asked him how he spent the last year romantically. It turns out that two months after the breakup he decided to "get over me" with another girl he met in that new country, but according to him it was just sex, he didn't love her, and constantly thought about me. And in general could not forget me this entire year, and had "nothing serious". He asks me not to worry about anything, "it's all in the past".

But I know that he went on two trips with this girl (each trip lasted a week or two). They were in contact initially 2 months in winter, in the end they traveled together. Then they were not in contact, and in summer they went on vacation together. After that he broke things off for good with her, and contacted me after a month or two.

When i ask him, he denies that he had anything in summer with her. He even says that he did not have a vacation, let alone mention that girl! I do not understand why would he hide their vacation together. (and i have a proof that it for sure happened)

I really feel bad for the last days, compare myself to her constantly, and ask myself why did he do it. Previously we have never even been on vacation together, and he did it with her! And it is hard to pretend that everything is ok and i believe him, when i know for sure that he doesnt tell everything.

What can I do? I love him very much, but I cannot forgive him that he had another girl during this time... please help

March 9, 2023

My view you need to decide if the history is a deal killer for the future?

In my view what he did while not dating is largely irrelevant to the present, what he did or did not do with her is also to me of no importance to the current situation.

March 9, 2023

1 hour ago, Glx said:

So we broke up in 2021, did not communicate with each other for a year. He went to another country.

You were broken up. Remember this.

1 hour ago, Glx said:

I really feel bad for the last days, compare myself to her constantly, and ask myself why did he do it.

Did you expect him to just be single and celibate for the rest of his life?

1 hour ago, Glx said:

What can I do? I love him very much, but I cannot forgive him that he had another girl during this time

Seriously?

This is very selfish OP. He didn't do anything wrong.

He hasn't done anything unforgivable.

You were not together and you clearly expected him to be alone for the rest of his life, which is rediculous.

Tell me, did you get involved with anyone during that year?

March 9, 2023

2 hours ago, Glx said:

he decided to "get over me" with another girl .After that he broke things off for good with her, and contacted me after a month or two. He even says that he did not have a vacation, let alone mention that girl!

Why did he leave the country for a year? Work? School? What was the breakup about?

What prompted him to return to your country? If you were apart, it's not unusual that both of you would date locally.

The fact that he's lying about vacations and minimizing things is making it complicated. Does he realize you know about the vacationing?

Are you concerned that this is a rebound relationship, since he contacted you so shortly after their breakup? That now he's using you to "get over her"?

Try to have a heart-to-heart talk to clear the air. How did you come across the information about the vacationing? Is he still in touch with her?

Is this the same man?:

Edited March 9, 2023 by Wiseman2

March 9, 2023

3 hours ago, Glx said:

I do not understand why would he hide their vacation together.

Could it be because he know that it would upset you? That would be the obvious answer… see below.

3 hours ago, Glx said:

I really feel bad for the last days, compare myself to her constantly, and ask myself why did he do it. Previously we have never even been on vacation together, and he did it with her!

3 hours ago, Glx said:

I cannot forgive him that he had another girl during this time...

You broke up for a year. He had every right to be in another relationship and/or have sex with another woman/women. If you are not able to accept this, you need to end the relationship. That’s the bottom line. You are upset about something that you really have no right to be upset about.

If this is the same man as your previous posts, it’s definitely time to let go. This break up and make up pattern is not healthy for either of you.

Edited March 9, 2023 by BaileyB

March 9, 2023

You weren’t together, he dated s9me one else. Him traveling with her does not matter.

thr only thing I coukd fathom bother you was if you told him your dream placevypto go to was X and he went there with her which might have sparked some memories of you. Now he’s attached this place to her and not you.

March 9, 2023

First you should have asked him how he spent the last year romantically before you got back together with him. To throw a fit now is inappropriate and selfish. Just break up with him if you can't control your jealousy of the other girl; I'm sure she'd appreciate it.

March 9, 2023

1 hour ago, Ami1uwant said:

You weren’t together, he dated s9me one else. Him traveling with her does not matter.

thr only thing I coukd fathom bother you was if you told him your dream placevypto go to was X and he went there with her which might have sparked some memories of you. Now he’s attached this place to her and not you.

I just can't believe him.

He says that he forgot about this girl long time ago and it was not a relationship, she was not his GF, they just "had something" according to him and he was not happy with her, just tried to forget me.

But how come ge goes traveling with her, if he was not in love? I just have a feeling that he is lying... especially since he doesnt even mention his vacation with her

March 9, 2023

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Why did he leave the country for a year? Work? School? What was the breakup about?

What prompted him to return to your country? If you were apart, it's not unusual that both of you would date locally.

The fact that he's lying about vacations and minimizing things is making it complicated. Does he realize you know about the vacationing?

Are you concerned that this is a rebound relationship, since he contacted you so shortly after their breakup? That now he's using you to "get over her"?

Try to have a heart-to-heart talk to clear the air. How did you come across the information about the vacationing? Is he still in touch with her?

Is this the same man?:

he went abroad for 4 months to study and met that girl there.

yes, it is the same guy.

it is not the fact that he dated someone else - i did too - but the fact that he says "it was nothing" and does not tell everything.

he does not know that i know. I found this girl on social networks and she posted summer pictures from vacation, and on many of them i saw stuff that belonged to him (his phone on the table, his bag, his t-shirt ect.) so clearly he was there with her in summer, but he claims he saw her last time in winter.

then, according to him, they chatted for a bit, and he broke things off with her.

March 9, 2023

"It's just sex." "It's different with you because I love you." "Being with other women reminds me how much I love you."

Listen, people will say whatever they have to say to get you to do what they want you to do. I personally would never "get over" being immediately replaced and then him showing back up when it fizzled out. I would feel like I was a consolation prize, and I wouldn't be able to feel confident that he would stick around. But that is me, I also would never get back together with men who broke up with me. Several came back around, and one was REALLY persistent, but bottom line, if you aren't sure you want to be with me, then you don't want to be with me. Again, that is me.

But the bottom line is, you know he's lying to you. Which means he lies. Can you believe anything he says? When he says, "No, I didn't cheat on that business trip," can you believe him? He's shown you who he is, he lied to you. He lied to manipulate you into doing what he wanted you to do. In my opinion, that's a character flaw. I mean, come on, what man would stay with a woman who lied to him? They wouldn't because men have too much self respect. I'm not trying to slam you, because I was guilty of the same thing when I was younger. Don't be like me. Respect yourself and don't let someone lie to you, because it will hurt worse and worse the longer you're with him.

I think you deserve better than this. You deserve to be with someone you know wants to be with you. It's simply not that hard to find someone, and even so, it's better to have your dignity and self respect than to be with someone you don't trust and that makes you feel bad about yourself. There's just a lot of baggage and mess with this. My inclination would be to wish him well and move on with your life.

Just my opinion, and worth what you paid for it. The only thing I will insist you do is take care of yourself and do what makes you happy. *hugs*

March 9, 2023

1 hour ago, Glx said:

I just can't believe him.

He says that he forgot about this girl long time ago and it was not a relationship, she was not his GF, they just "had something" according to him and he was not happy with her, just tried to forget me.

But how come ge goes traveling with her, if he was not in love? I just have a feeling that he is lying... especially since he doesnt even mention his vacation with her

Why does his other past GFs matter?

March 9, 2023

[]. I completely side with with you on this as I am a girl and know it would bother me massively. I think it's more why did he lie about it, does he still think of her, was she better than me, what did they do. Everyone is different but I know once I hear such info it eats my mind up and I cannot move on from it. It all comes down to what kind of person you are like can you forget about it or will it just take over the love you have for him? did you meet any men whilst you broke up? I think you have to train your mind and try take control and forget about it all as he does seem to really care and love you, and probably denied it all as he knew you would think into it the way you are. I always stand with what you don't know, doesn't hurt. Don't turn out like me, a detachment freak who won't get close to anyone anymore! x

Edited March 10, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Rudeness

March 9, 2023

Insecurity and jealousy is a relationship killer. Reign it in and work on yourself, or this relationship will fail and others.

March 9, 2023

I doubt he was "in love with her" she was just a fill in while he was away. My perspective....he dumped her because he was moving back,...moved back called you up. Lame. I would be questioning his feelings for you, not her. Not to be nasty just my perspective, but you might have been "convenient" for him to get with you again. All he had to do was say all the right things. He knows you are weak for him.

Edited March 9, 2023 by smackie9

March 9, 2023

I just want to know what kind of person i am with. On one hand i really see that he loves me, and it is not just words on his side;

on another hand, if he hides his past and is not completely honest with me, then how can i trust him?

for example: i asked him, how come did he find someone so fast. he told me: "i did not find anyone this entire time, just needed to forget you any way possible. i was in another country, and if i was back home, i would definitely not travel with someone i do not know. i studied abroad and everyone traveled together, it was not anything special."

but then i ask myself: why did he go on vacation with the same girl after 6 months? he was already back home. if he really just wanted to forget me, why go on summer vacation with her again? especially if he was already home and knew that it would not work out, since they live very far away from each other.

I just want to know the truth..

March 9, 2023

8 minutes ago, Glx said:

I just want to know what kind of person i am with. On one hand i really see that he loves me, and it is not just words on his side;

on another hand, if he hides his past and is not completely honest with me, then how can i trust him?

for example: i asked him, how come did he find someone so fast. he told me: "i did not find anyone this entire time, just needed to forget you any way possible. i was in another country, and if i was back home, i would definitely not travel with someone i do not know. i studied abroad and everyone traveled together, it was not anything special."

but then i ask myself: why did he go on vacation with the same girl after 6 months? he was already back home. if he really just wanted to forget me, why go on summer vacation with her again? especially if he was already home and knew that it would not work out, since they live very far away from each other.

I just want to know the truth..

You do know the truth. He lies to get what he wants. He is telling you what he knows you want to hear. If you fall for this, you will be hurt again and again. And again. Only you can stop this cycle. Words don't mean anything, it's actions that count. You're desperate to believe he loves you, no matter how many ways he shows you that he doesn't. I've been there, please stop it now. It's going to hurt worse later.

March 9, 2023

I would confront him and tell him that I know that he is lying cause of the photos. How can you move forward with someone when you know he is lying? You can't build a relationship on lies.

March 9, 2023

His relationship with this other girl is none of your business, OP.

He doesn't owe you an explanation or all the details. He was single and free to do what he wanted, and feel what he wanted. His feelings for her at the time are not your concern. That was between him and her, and not you. That is likely why he is concealing certain things, because he doesn't feel comfortable with your invasive questions.

11 hours ago, Glx said:

I cannot forgive him that he had another girl during this time.

You can't forgive him because there is nothing to forgive him for - he didn't do anything wrong. He was perfectly within his rights to do whatever he wanted, including dating or even falling in love with someone else.

It's going to be best to end it with him. Your insecurity is leading you to make some pretty entitled demands of him and that's not fair.

March 9, 2023

3 hours ago, Glx said:

but then i ask myself: why did he go on vacation with the same girl after 6 months? he was already back home. if he really just wanted to forget me, why go on summer vacation with her again? especially if he was already home and knew that it would not work out, since they live very far away from each other.

I just want to know the truth..

She was simply a good travelling companion. That she wasn't ever going to be a girlfriend is irrelevant....they were together for a good time, not a long time. Given that he was single, there's absolutely no reason why he shouldn't have gone away with her.

I can think of a couple of reasons that he'd not tell you about it now. a) it's really none of your business and/or b) he knows that you were likely to react like this and didn't want the drama.

Anyway, putting aside the right/wrong of this, the answer is simply that you don't have to continue in a relationship with him if it brings you pain.

March 9, 2023

21 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I can think of a couple of reasons that he'd not tell you about it now. a) it's really none of your business and/or b) he knows that you were likely to react like this and didn't want the drama.

Yup. Because this…

3 hours ago, Glx said:

for example: i asked him, how come did he find someone so fast.

but then i ask myself: why did he go on vacation with the same girl after 6 months? he was already back home. if he really just wanted to forget me, why go on summer vacation with her again? especially if he was already home and knew that it would not work out, since they live very far away from each other.

Is a lot of drama…

OP, he was single and able to mingle. What he did this past year and who he did it with is absolutely none of your business.

3 hours ago, Glx said:

I just want to know what kind of person i am with.

Is this the same guy from your previous posts? I ask because, been dating the man on and off for quite some time. Have you not yet figured out what kind of person he is?

March 9, 2023

Copied from your very first post in 2020,

Quote

He always treated me very nice, but I could never believe is his feelings, they were not enough for me. And I always started fights or just discussions about our "problems". I was jealous, had fears about future, needed reassurance. One month ago he finally said "I love you". I was very happy for a couple of days, then my obsessive thoughts have started again.

This is a real pattern for you. The fact that he travelled with another woman while you were not together is just the most recent topic of discussion… the most recent focus of your insecurity. This relationship is going to end as it has several times before - he is going to leave because nobody wants to love this way with such an unreasonably demanding partner… If you haven’t considered counselling, you should.

March 9, 2023

If you're going to reconcile with someone, then you don't really want to ask about the in between. He's allowed to date other people if he's not dating you. And you were equally allowed to do so.

The issue is your feeling not loved. Really if you feel connected with the person, that old jealousy stuff should just slide away.

March 10, 2023

This obsession about what exactly happened while you were apart is going to scuttle the new possibilities. Let it go. Don't try and decipher whether he's telling you the play by play. He's with you now. Be smart –– let the past stay in the past.

March 10, 2023

Do you see any future with this guy? I’d venture that if you truly felt compatible and that you could trust him none of this would be an issue. You’d take him for his word and sense that he is in love with you.

Don’t rush things right now with him and let the relationship unfold slowly. You don’t need all the answers. For all you know a month or two from now you’ll realize he’s NOT the man for you on account of other details. Everything in stride. Enjoy the time together and be confident you’ll either continue seeing each other or cut each other loose. Life goes on.

March 10, 2023

If you don't trust him, then you don't trust him. If you think that this will eat you up, then in time, you will break up with him when you can't handle it (because it's always going to be on your mind).

He doesn't owe you any explanation as to who he's with, who he had fallen in love, or where he traveled to while you both were broken up (just as you don't owe him any explanation on your part). The disconnect here is that you want him to tell you on his own accord, but he probably know that you would make a big deal out of it so he opted not to say more. Objectively, in this case, he doesn't owe you an explanation nor did he do anything wrong. Your desire that he would tell you is just that - your own desire (because you want to use it as a a way to build trust)

You could talk to him about it, of course, but at the end of the day, the question remains: Do you trust him? If the answer is no, then you have to ask yourself why you want to continue the relationship.

Edited March 10, 2023 by spiritedaway2003

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