Should I be Worried?

[NickOval]

To give some context, I was married for 9 years and since divorced due to an affair on my ex wifes part. I met my current girlfriend during a very low time in my life and she really was the most supportive and loving women. 

Overall she is a very friendly person to everyone she meets and always tries to see the good in people including her ex boyfriend who cheated on her through their relationship. I know she talks to him occasionally (nothing romantic from what I've seen) as they do have some mutual friends.  This guy is a serial womanizers and not someone I am a fan of at all.  

Anyway,  my ex wife was causing lots of problems for my current girlfriend and really messing with her head over the last couple of months and then when my current girlfriend's father died, my ex continued to mess with her  in an even more brutal way. Now the funeral was in another state and although she had a bad relationship with the father she went to pay respects (I couldn't go the funeral due to commitments out of my control) and she totally is fine with it.

She stayed with her mum for a week and It turns out she met with her ex three evenings later for dinner and some drinks. She never told me about it and I found out by looking on her phone (I was going to message someone for her and saw the messenger history) now although there was nothing sexual in the conversation, there were photos that they had together that seems like they were having fun. and he was obviously putting the moves on her talking about how amazing she is etc. Her replies were not that long and she didn't seem flirty with him at all. 

I confronted her about it and to be honest im furious, but I guess I would never meet any of my ex's out of respect. She said she didn't tell me because I get jealous and although she has no interest in him romantically she does find him fun to hang out with from time to time and needed something to take her mind off the situation. I also know she didn't stay the night with him as she I was on video chat with her that evening whilst she was with her mom. 

Once I asked her about it she seemed embarrassed and said she felt awful and guilty. She then suggested that she will block him all together and will learn the mistake. I checked and she did block him.

As my ex wife had a massive affair I am very worried im falling for another trap and bad experience. Am I over reacting? 

 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, NickOval said:

 my ex wife was causing lots of problems for my current girlfriend and really messing with her head. She never told me about it and I found out by looking on her phone 

A death in the family can bring people from the past to pay respects. In this case it's not cheating.

The most disconcerting aspect of this is your ex-wife harassing your current GF and you going through the GFs phone.

Perhaps consider better boundaries with the ex-wife. Do you coparent? Is there a reason she's harassing your GF?

Edited March 6, 2023 by Wiseman2

[JTSW]

Why didn't you stop your ex wife from messing with her?

Why do you keep going through your GFs phone?

In my honest opinion I think your GF deserves allot better.

She hasn't done anything wrong yet she has put up with your ex's harassment and your insecurities.

If you continue doing what you're doing you're going to push her away.

[NickOval]

I didn't go through my GF phone. She was washing the dishes and asked me to reply to her friend. I opened the phone and saw the messages when I went to type a reply. 

My Ex is a very jealous women and trashed her own life. She is now very angry that my life continued to improve whilst hers has gone downhill and continues to do so. 

I have zero contact with my EX and the police have since got involved. 

I guess what I was most upset about is that she lied about where she was and who she was with on the night she went out with her ex for dinner drinks. 

[Luckierthanmost]

Wait wait wait….oh hell no! This wasn’t a case where she ran into an old friend after the funeral and carried the conversation over into a dinner. THREE days after the event she meets a man she was once intimate with for a DATE!  This is a huge level of disrespect in a committed relationship. Turn the tables and ask her how she would take you going on a date with an ex girlfriend …just to catch up, and see what she says. Apparently the ex didn’t treat her that badly if she’s ok to  meet up with him and take pics of the two having a good time. I see this all the time on these forums where a SO meets up with an ex to “catch up” or for “closure”. BOUNDARIES people…BOUNDARIES!  

[S2B]

She purposely went to that funeral? 
and why did she need to stay a week?

she lied and covered up meeting with him.

I can’t see where she did anything right. There was no need to even speak to him.

she made many decisions that purposely jeopardized your relationship.

I would have a hard time trusting her - she made way too many decisions that didn’t consider how they would affect you/your feelings.

coming clean AFTER that many bad choices doesn’t make any of it ok.

she doesn’t respect you - at all.

Edited March 7, 2023 by S2B

[basil67]

Seems to me that the biggest issue is that she feels she can't be honest with you.  Thing is though, if we want honesty from people, we need to create a level of comfort with them where they feel safe to be honest.   The fact that she didn't want to deal with your jealousy is on you.

She's now cut him off to make you feel comfortable.  So what are your plans for managing your jealousy so that she's comfortable being honest?

 

[NickOval]

Well I just can’t figure out if I’m making a big deal out of this or not. As I mentioned they do have mutual friends.

 

she stayed for a week as she is an only child and her mum is left with no one in their city so she felt she needed to help take care of the situation and will. 
 

I feel better that she blocked him and I guess I can be jealous due to my childhood and what my ex did. I am working on it and to be fair, I’m not jealous other than when this guy is involved as he has a way to make people like him despite being very selfish. 
 

is it worth giving this another chance to see how it plays out as we are due to move in together in a month. 

[S2B]

Did she meet with him alone or with a group.

no, I wouldn’t move in with her. She hasn’t earned your trust and she doesn’t respect you.

Edited March 7, 2023 by S2B

[Nowherenear]

My opinion is that when you break up with someone and you get in a new relationship the past should remain the past out of respect for the person you are dating. I have strong feelings for some people I had long term relationships with but I have no contact with them because honestly what is there to say? I would suggest that you ask nicely that she doesn't go out with this ex again. The only thing that justifies her actions was that her father had just died and I guess she gelt vulnerable. But I don't see this as a deal breaker. In the contrary, it can be a reason to bring you closer.

[Will am I]

I see a few flags here.

Meeting a new partner when you are in a low time after a divorce. I imagine it must be bliss, especially of that new partner is a sweet and supportive person. But in the longer run it may not be the relationship dynamic you seek.

Another thing is that you are the one responsible to "manage" your ex wife and all that comes from her. The legal battles, communication (limit to what is needed and keep her out of your new life where possible) etc.

[basil67]

17 hours ago, NickOval said:

I am working on it and to be fair, I’m not jealous other than when this guy is involved as he has a way to make people like him despite being very selfish. 

That's interesting.  So if this recent bit of jealousy (or caution) is an aberration, why did she say that she was concerned about your jealousy?   If there's no history of jealousy, is she gaslighting you?  

If she'd told you that she was meeting him to catch up, would you have been OK with it?

[NickOval]

I have been jealous when it comes to this guy. It is her Ex and I know from time to time he is around due to the mutual friend situation. Having said that she has only ever seen him when there is a big group. Other than him I don't get jealous and the only reason I get jealous about him is because they dated and I know he is a snake of a guy.

The way he acts to people is very manipulative so it has always put me on edge. I believe people see it as well but he is a very fun person when it comes to a laugh so I guess as they don't see him a lot they let it slide.

I trusted my GF completely up until this moment and I can't seem to get over the fact they hung out alone and had photos together. She said she felt awful lying to me but who knows. 

I would not have been ok for them to meet up. I have ex's of my own and I would never meet any of them out of respect and she even said she wouldn't be ok with it if I did that so it seems like a double standard. 

I get she may have been in a venerable state due to the situation and him being in town but it just doesn't sit right with me. 

She has always been super supportive and caring towards me and we get on so well, talking, laughing, support each other but now I am left with a feeling of 'maybe i am not as important to her as she makes out'

 

 

[Bryanp]

I understand your feeling but I personally think that you are making to much of a deal with this.

In the future, trust but verify.  Good luck.

[IrinaM]

A few things here:

1. i think she's entertaining his interest. maybe she doesn't want him, but she likes how he still pursues her

2. this relationship is not as stable as you might think it is, not because of her, but because of you. You've been kind of vague about your ex-wife harassing your girlfriend to the point of law enforcement getting involved. How did it get to that point? The thing is, people with poor boundaries only attract other people with poor boundaries. A woman with good enough boundaries to stay away from her ex would not have accepted a man who has an obsessive ex wife.

3. why didn't you go to her dad's funeral? this seems like a pretty big deal in a person's life. even if you couldn't stay for the week, couldn't you have gone for one day? actions speak louder than words, and going to this funeral with her would have clearly shown your commitment.

[NickOval]

Well my ex wife had left a good while ago and I had not had any contact with her when I had met my current GF. Once my ex wife's affair partner decided to get a new women she decided to try and get my current GF to leave me and would continuously call my current GF to an obsessive point. Like I mentioned, my ex wife did a great job of absolutely trashing her life.....all her friends left, her parents don't really talk to her much due to what she did and then her affair partner left. Whilst all of this was going on I carried on with my life, working, exercising, paying my bills and still have amazing close friends and family.  The Police were informed as it is the sensible thing to do as she would not listen to me and I have no other hand to play. They are dealing with her now. 

I didn't go to the funeral due to serious health concerns with a member of my own family and I needed to go and be there as it was touch and go for a while. Totally reasonable situation and didn't really have anything to do with my commitment.

 

[glows]

The issue is resolved, isn’t it. Or are you still upset/ furious? She’s not in contact with him any longer and recognized she made a mistake. 

Do you want to be with her? Anything else bothering you about the relationship? Finances? Job situations? Health? Family? Has this relationship seemed uncertain at times? 

Just putting this out there - I get the sense you don’t trust her judgment, period. This crappola cheating womanizer ex was still in her life and she was too “generous” of heart to shut the door on him permanently when they broke up. I’d call a spade a spade or at least reflect on whether you trust her judgment. No? You’re probably not compatible.

[NickOval]

Glows: Im not furious now at all. I think this opened up some old issues I needed to deal with. I simply wrote my last reply to close this up. 

Long story short, she came to me to chat and to see if I am still upset or have any questions. We talked and listened to each other and I appreciate she did that. Our relationship was always good...we both have great jobs, healthy for the most part (other than the occasional drinking session from time to time) have hobbies and we laugh and hang out together in a very normal natural way. One thing I always liked was she is always so happy when I tell her good news and if I tell her bad news she sits and listens and provide her opinion or thoughts (I naturally do this as well). 

I don't feel too bad about this anymore but made it clear that I am never going to be ok with ex's being a part of our lives.

 

Thanks to all who contributed it helped me to wrap my head around this a little better.