First date red flag- or not?

[babybrowns]

Thank you all for your replies so far. I had a feeling that this thread which I started would come with some backlash/ people getting the wrong end of the stick.

As a few members put it- it is not about the money. It is about feeling like a man is into us. In the past I have dated men who were into me, I have also dated men who were not into me. Heck I once travelled 200 miles to go and meet with a guy who wouldn’t even pay for the one beer I had when we went for a drink after my exhausting journey. And I had even paid for him on our first date (that was our third. Even on our second he had wanted to split the bill. All 3 dates involved me travelling to him. That was back when I was more young and naive.).

Whenever a man has travelled 100+ miles to meet me, I have always treated them to a nice and substantial dinner, never taking no for an answer.

This thread which I have posted is nothing to do with how I view the world; it is not me thinking that ‘men should always pay’ or that women and men should now be seen as equal- it is about how a man makes a woman feel. 

He invited me out on a ‘date’, he suggested we get food for it, he chose the location and the restaurant. I didn’t order anything on the menu that was more than what he ordered; I was silently careful to follow his lead there incase he would be the one paying, as one would have assumed, given the previous statement.

Yes perhaps I am picky when it comes to dates as a few members have said in their posts, but this is because my standards are high and I would rather be alone than with someone who does not meet them. I have made mistakes in the past when I wasn’t so picky. Anyway, this aspect of the date did leave a sour taste in my mouth about him, it was in contrast to the other charms, and I am still in two minds about whether to see him again.

He has been keen though and made contact with me a lot since the date where he equally demonstrated keenness in other ways. I might give him the benefit of the doubt and meet with him again, still deciding.

Edited March 6, 2023 by babybrowns

[Weezy1973]

38 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

I might give him the benefit of the doubt and meet with him again, still deciding.

So I think then there are multiple types of red flags, with a red flag meaning you end things and won’t see them again. Type:

 

1. The person is a user, narcissist, player etc. Just a bad person to start a relationship with.

2. The person isn’t into you.

3. You and the person are incompatible so no reason to keep seeing them.

 

Women for some reason seem particularly obsessed with number 2 and it’s a meaningless obsession. You can’t know how interested a guy is in you. I paid for every first date whether I was interested in a second date or not. It was meaningless. Similarly a guy wanting to split a bill is equally meaningless. But if him asking you to split the bill rubs you the wrong way it could mean you’re incompatible. But not necessarily. 20 years from now you might still be with this guy and laugh at how much importance you put on something so trivial and a bit embarrassed by how close you were to not seeing him again.

 

But probably not. Chances are the two of you aren’t compatible. Only because most people aren’t. 

[basil67]

5 hours ago, babybrowns said:

Whenever a man has travelled 100+ miles to meet me, I have always treated them to a nice and substantial dinner, never taking no for an answer.

This is a very thoughtful and generous approach.   Question is, given the distance, why didn't you at least offer upfront to pay half, not taking no for an answer?

May I suggest looking at it from a different angle?   I'm Gen X and back in the day a guy did pay for dates.  But back in the day, we'd also date only a handful of people and marry one of them.  These days with OLD, flakes everywhere and people wanting to date far more people than ever before, have you ever considered what a financial burden it is on men when women want to be paid for?  Given that the guy needs to kiss a lot of toads before he finds his princess, don't you think it's unfair to expect traditional behaviour in a dating world which is completely unrecognisable from how it used to be?  

Are you able to decipher if how a man makes you feel without him spending money on you (let's face it, a woman that he doesn't know from a bar of soap?)   Things like being interested in learning more about you, being attentive, being in frequent contact, and importantly, stopping dating others.

All that said, if you don't want to date a guy who doesn't pay, then that's your prerogative.  But if you're so sure this is what you want, why the need to start a thread asking about it?

[Gaeta]

BB i think it's worth going on a 2nd date. It's just that a 2nd date, it doesn't mean it will turn into a relationship. It will also eliminate any *what if* you may have if you don't follow up.

[Ami1uwant]

He drove to you and you expect him to pay your meal…and you want equality?

[GeorgiaPeach1]

I think he determined before or during dinner that he doesn't have a romantic spark for you, and now you've been friend-zoned. Happens to the best of us. 

[Hoke]

Why not talk with him about it?  All I can say is what I would do. If I liked the guy & want to see him again - I'd go out with him.  I would be light hearted and mention it caught me by surprise just for a second, but not a big deal, as I've "gone dutch" many times.  It may be typical for him to split the bill when just starting to date and might be surprised himself that his date would think otherwise.  Could lead to getting to know each other better and maybe have some laughs over it.  

.  

[assertives]

Since you brought up the point that it's not about the money, and you are hoping to see if he was actually keen in you, wouldn't the fact that he travelled to you be indicative enough that he's at least demonstrated enough enthusiasm one could have meeting someone for the first time?

Also, perhaps consider while you are trying to judge his sincerity, he also is doing the same at the same time. Maybe he wanted to know whether you genuinely wanted to get to know him and enjoy his company or you are just trying to get a free meal out of him. I am getting the feeling that perhaps he's trying to see if there is any reciprocal energy in the dynamics. That said, if you are already getting this much negative vibes from this one action from him, and you are still on the fence about meeting him again in spite of all the other perspectives you have gotten here, I'd say you guys are probably not very compatible. Might as well not go for the 2nd date.

[babybrowns]

Hello all,

Thank you for your replies so far. The guy has asked me out on a second dinner date this coming weekend, where he is again going to be travelling to me: he offered and even insisted on it when I suggested we meet somewhere more convenient for him. I have accepted his invitation and will be going on the second date. This time I chose the restaurant (he asked me to choose one that I like), and it would be best for us to pay halves for sure. 
It’s too early to get to know him at this stage, but this second meet will help me find out more about his character. Let’s see what happens!

Thanks again for your support

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, babybrowns said:

It’s too early to get to know him at this stage, but this second meet will help me find out more about his character.

Just go and have fun with the man. You do not need to “assess his character” - just look at it as another opportunity to get to know him… A fun night out. 

All signs at this point indicate that he is a really nice guy who is interested in you. Please just enjoy it - don’t create problems where they don’t exist.

Have fun on your date!! 

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, babybrowns said:

It’s too early to get to know him at this stage

Just rereading this first statement - it’s too early to get to know him at this stage? I thought it said “it’s too early to say that you really know him at this stage…”

Why go on a date if you are not trying to get to know the man? Is that not the purpose of dating - to get to know each other and when it’s going well, to have some fun together while you do it? 

I mean seriously, it’s just dinner. 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited March 7, 2023 by BaileyB

[salparadise]

On 3/6/2023 at 1:17 PM, babybrowns said:

This thread which I have posted is nothing to do with how I view the world; it is not me thinking that ‘men should always pay...SS

Seriously? If you didn't have that expectation, entitlement mindset, there would be no issue. And you're still hanging onto it; even after so much discussion and opportunity to think it through, you said –– "this aspect of the date did leave a sour taste in my mouth about him." My guess is that if he had to be the one to bring it up, it was because you did't offer. Kudos to him for being assertive. +Respect.

I've been doing OLD for years. I've seen it all. Most women offer if not insist. It's really not about the money. It's  about whether they feel entitled or privileged  based on being female, or if they consider themselves equal and therefore prefer to contribute

I have an interesting story... but I guess I shouldn't jack the thread. Suffice it to say that the entitlement mindset (always free for me) is not attractive int ehe 21st century. I guess there are a few holdovers from centuries past.. 

Edited March 8, 2023 by salparadise

[Alpacalia]

6 hours ago, babybrowns said:

It’s too early to get to know him at this stage, but this second meet will help me find out more about his character. Let’s see what happens!

Thanks again for your support

Excellent. 

Enjoy.