First date red flag- or not?

[babybrowns]

Hello all,

I went on a first date this weekend with a guy I recently met online who asked me out to dinner. NB not the same guy I recently posted about

We had a nice evening and he wants to see me again, but the slightly off-putting thing is that he asked me to split the check in half with him. And that was before I even had time to offer to pay half when the check came (which I always do- I’ve even paid the full check for some men on first dates!).

Normally I’d put that down as a red flag, but I am wondering whether it would be deemed as acceptable behaviour in this case due to the circumstances:

- He travelled 50 miles to meet me in my hometown.

- From start to finish his behaviour towards me was very gentlemanly and courteous, eg he walked me back to the station afterwards and when he saw that I was cold he offered me his gloves.

- He said he likes me and that he wants to see me again, that “50 miles is nothing for him”. He also asked if he could kiss me, to which I consented.

Overall a positive experience, but I can’t help feel a little put off by the fact that he asked me to pay half the check? Or am I being unreasonable. Would really appreciate thoughts on this, thanks in advance!

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, babybrowns said:

 From start to finish his behaviour towards me was very gentlemanly and courteous, 

Do you like him otherwise? Would you go out with him again? Going Dutch is a fact of OLD, but the distance is something to observe.

[Alpacalia]

Why do you consider it a red flag? Maybe to know where you're coming from in that regard might help you.

I mean, your preference is your preference. So, you're not "wrong" for that.

You know what works for you, so if going dutch ain’t it, then there’s nothing to sorry about.

[Gaeta]

The only time a man asked for a split bill on a first date he ended up being cheap. He also said he was into me, we dated 3 months. Once we grabbed lunch downtown and the waitress brought 1 bill, he asked her to go back and split the bill, my soup was $6. I can't beleive l dated him 3 months. By the way after 3 months l caught him with a profile online. I think he was not 'that into me' he was playing a part until he met 'the one'.

I'm not entitled, i'm very generous when in a relationship, l buy big gifts, l pay for vacations, l pick the bill at the restaurant but to me a gentleman doesn't ask for seperate bill on a frst romantic date. If he didn't want to spend money on a woman he never met then he had to make different plans like coffe & cakes or an afternoon doing an outside acivity.

[basil67]

Before I comment, do you have any idea what your income disparity may be?  

[Weezy1973]

Not necessarily a red flag. Do you want to see him again? That’s all that matters at this point. Splitting the cheque I suspect will become more and more common as salaries continue to equalize and doesn’t necessarily mean he’s “cheap”. But it could. And maybe being cheap / frugal is actually a decent quality. Maybe he invests his money and is planning on retiring early with lots of wealth. No way to know so early. 
 

If you want to see him again then go ahead. You don’t know enough about him to know why he insisted on splitting the cheque. And all of our responses will just reflect our own experiences like @Gaeta rather than elucidating you in this particular fellow.

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, babybrowns said:

the slightly off-putting thing is that he asked me to split the check in half with him.

It’s not a red flag. 

It was your first meeting. It’s entirely reasonable that he would expect that you would pay for your own food/drink. 

If you decide to get together again and actually “date,” then it would be reasonable that he would pick up the cheque…

It would also be reasonable to expect that you offer and pay for the following meal/activity. 

Personally, I think the fact that he drove to meet you and he’s willing to do it again is a very kind thing for him to do. 

Edited March 5, 2023 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Going Dutch is a fact of OLD

Indeed, and for that reason alone I wouldn’t be worried in the slightest.

[ShyViolet]

Why would you think this is a red flag?  I find it strange that anyone would say this is a "red flag".  Many guys do pay but it's also not unusual to split the bill.

[Alpacalia]

I haven't had as many dates as some of the other members perhaps so my experience may be limited but I too have never been asked to go dutch. Having said that, if I really liked him and the date went really good otherwise, I am not sure I would let it be a deterrent. Then again, my father would probably disagree with that (lol). 

Sure, it's OLD. Chances are you're both going on LOTS of dates. So, perhaps he's trying to not spread himself to thin.

 

Edited March 6, 2023 by Alpacalia

[Gaeta]

@babybrowns how was the date set up? Did he word it as an invitation? Or he used wording like 'lets meet at xyz'?

[Alvi]

OP, you don't have to justify it. If you don't find it comfortable to go Dutch on a first date, then you are not comfortable. End of story.

I suppose, it matters who asked whom on a date. If he asked you, then he should pay and vice versa. I don't really get a concept of going Dutch. But this is just me and I am a very old-fashioned. For me, if a guy asked you out on a date, that means that he pays. Yeah, yeah, I know, lol. I don't have problem paying my fair share while in a relationship but I would prefer that a guy pays during a first couple of dates. It doesn't have to be anything expensive or elaborate (could be just a cup of coffee) but it gives me a sense that a guy actually cares about me. I think if a guy is interested, he has no problem paying. If he is very lukewarm or downright uninterested, then a question of who pays comes to light. Or there was a topic few years ago about how a guy took a woman out on a date and she broke things off with his after. Then he started to complain about paying for her. How come should I pay for her if she is not interested, lol? But he is the one who wanted to impress her by asking her out for a dinner. Guessing if she jumped his bones, it would be highly unlikely to even cross his mind about him paying for her dinner.

 Can you imagine a guy taking Jennifer Lopez or some other famous model/actress/singer on a date and asking her to split a bill? Not likely to happen. A guy is going to pay for her and gladly at that. For me a guy paying on few dates equals him being a gentleman. 

This is why I really liked coffee dates when I was dating. Fast, cheap and lets you see what the other person is all about.

I don't claim to be right, but in my opinion this guy was trying to impress you or that he was "that" interested in you. 

But this is just me, we are all different.

3 hours ago, babybrowns said:

which I always do- I’ve even paid the full check for some men on first dates!)

May I ask why you paid a full check? 

[Lotsgoingon]

This is a tricky one.

If I'm asking a woman out for the first time, and asking her to dinner, and the energy is I am asking her then yes I would volunteer to pay. But there are times when it more feels like the woman and I are agreeing to go dinner (the energy is that it's a joint initiative) and in those times it's often dutch and comfortably so. Sometimes I pick up the subsequent date if it feels more romantic and more my initiative. Other times times we go dutch for the rest of the relationship except when one of us specifically wants to treat the other, like on birthdays.

Depends on the energy of the conversations before the date and the energy of the people involved. 

Let's say you throw this who pays issue aside for now. Did you really like this guy? And let's go further. How about you ignore that he walked you to the station and offered you his gloves (I assume many guys would do that). Pushing all that aside, did you like this guy? Did you have a good time? 

 

Edited March 6, 2023 by Lotsgoingon

[NuevoYorko]

I wouldn't go out to dinner for a first meeting; it's coffee or a drink somewhere.  I'd pick up the tab, just because.   Not sure what's "red flaggish" about going Dutch though.

 

[assertives]

It's not necessarily a red flag. I would say it's good on him that he asked and so set the expectation for himself and not just wait for you to offer and then get upset if you didn't or didn't offer enthusiastically enough. That said, this is giving you pause because you the very generous kind and you are afraid this might be a sign that he has penny pinching behaviours, perhaps you can wait it out abit and go for a couple more dates with him and see how things goes.. provided you like him enough. But on it's own, I don't think this is a red flag.

[ccas93]

not sure why someone would be put off by this esp with how well the date apparently went, unless they were concerned the guy might be cheap (maybe appreciate the positives and not find a reason to be put off by him) or some gender expectation being violated. Maybe he doesn't want to find out you just saw it as a free meal when he drove 50 miles to see you, idk. 

[babybrowns]

Thank you all for your replies so far. I am in agreement with a lot of you who say that the guy should have offered to pay since he invited me to dinner. Yes he travelled 50 miles to see me which was kind of him, but I didn’t ask him to do this- he offered to come.

And to make it clear for a couple of members who are questioning it, the guy did describe it as a “date” before, during and after the meeting.

This is also not about the 50-50 split in a relationship which some are also alluding to; this is about a first date. What I find confusing here is that a lot of the other signs were there that the guy is interested, it is only this. I think I might see him again; I’d be curious to travel to somewhere near him and see if yet again he suggests splitting the cheque, to rule that out as the cause if it were one.

Edited March 6, 2023 by babybrowns

[justwhoiam]

It's hard to express an opinion without further details. What did he literally say when he asked you out? Was it something like: Can I take you out to dinner? And most importantly: what did he say exactly when he asked/mentioned to split the bill? Was the bill already on the table? Was it before?

My experience is that when a man asks a woman out, he makes sure to have enough money in his wallet or card to cover for whatever he planned for. If anything, planning to do something then not having the budget for it means poor planning on his part. I'm not discussing equality or fairness. I also have friends who said "can I take you out for breakfast on Saturday? Breakfast's obviously on me."

That said, I have a gut feeling that if you had forgotten your wallet at home, that would have been a red flag for him.

[Wiseman2]

52 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

 the guy should have offered to pay since he invited me to dinner. 

Is your concern that he's not that interested or that he's rude or that he's cheap/broke? Or that you felt obligated because he did the driving? Or because of the distance, he may not be single, so doesn't want expenses to explain?

Who picked the restaurant?  This is an important issue.  For example what was the price point? Because if you suggested the place, and it was pricier than expected, asking you to split the bill is not that odd.

[JTSW]

I think you are just nit-picking OP.

It seems to be a regular occurrence when you go on dates.

You are looking for red flags when there aren't any.

I don't see any red flag here.

It was reasonable.

Edited March 6, 2023 by JTSW

[Alpacalia]

I think you are feeling confused about the situation and want clarification? What are your doubts about this being a date? It sounds like you're having difficulty interpreting the other signals this guy has been sending. Try and assess his behavior in a broader context, looking at the whole picture rather than focusing on one single action.

Maybe if you can analyze his behavior as a whole, it will give you better insight into what exactly his feelings for you are.

There were certainly other signals that he was interested. If you're interested in seeing the guy again, maybe an idea would be to suggest going to a place near him so that you can both split the cost of the date. That way, you can see if his offer of a 50-50 split is indicative of anything larger or just his general behavior when it comes to paying for dates.

[BaileyB]

6 hours ago, babybrowns said:

I am in agreement with a lot of you who say that the guy should have offered to pay since he invited me to dinner.

Three people in this whole discussion said this - they are in the minority, but those are the people you side with? 

6 hours ago, babybrowns said:

What I find confusing here is that a lot of the other signs were there that the guy is interested, it is only this. I think I might see him again;

If you insist on finding a reason not to date this man, that is entirely your decision.

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, babybrowns said:

 I’d be curious to travel to somewhere near him and see if yet again he suggests splitting the cheque.

Have you heard from him? Has another date been planned?

It seems like better screening may help with your dating endeavors. For example, try more locally. Try to suggest a breif coffee/drink for the first meeting.

This way confusion about who pays, who drives, etc. it's an issue.  Is it worthwhile travelling to him as a sort of test to see if he pays?

[JTSW]

You are making a big deal over something so trivial.

If you don't like a guy that you were on a date with then just be honest about it.

Stop looking for faults in every guy that comes along.

[petee]

3 hours ago, JTSW said:

I think you are just nit-picking OP.

It seems to be a regular occurrence when you go on dates.

You are looking for red flags when there aren't any.

I don't see any red flag here.

It was reasonable.

I agree. He’s done nothing wrong. You are not exclusive, and potentially you could be one of a number of dates. For any person that would end up getting expensive.

It would be an interesting conversation to discuss the bill when you are trying to get to know him.

Move on if this really left a bad taste, though, sounds like both your senses of norms are too far apart.