New relationship, focusing on the positive

[BJP1991]

With past trauma from bad relationships, how do you stay optimistic and positive during a newly blossoming relationship? An issue I have found is sometimes myself or friends I talk to dwell on their anxieties about a new relationship rather than focusing on all of the positives that are going on.

For example, say you’re seeing a man or woman and after 1-2 months of regular dates and good times you mutually discuss how you’re not dating anyone else and really like each other, to the point of wanting to see each other more than 1-2x weekly. What advice do you have for maintaining a positive frame/mindset about the relationship and not let feelings of doubt or anxiety cause stress about it?

[Lotsgoingon]

Well, past trauma often needs to be healed through therapy or other work.

And so you build up enough resilience and independence and strength such that you know you won't collapse because the next relationship doesn't work out.

The positive frame is that believing that you are a good a person, a worthy a person with a full life right now, whether or not this relationship works out. 

 

[Gaeta]

No matter the outcome you will be fine. You were just fine before this person crossed your path and you'll be just fine if they leave your path. This person is not gonna make you or break you, you are whole on your own. If it doesn't work with this one it will work with someone else. 

[BaileyB]

59 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

No matter the outcome you will be fine.

Interesting, that was also going to be my answer. When you let go of any expectation and the need to try to control the outcome… When you truly believe that whatever happens, you will be fine - all the anxiety will magically disappear. 

Anxiety gives us the illusion of control. It gives our minds something to do when times are uncertain. But, no amount of anxiety ever makes any difference in what is about to happen. 

Edited March 5, 2023 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

double post

Edited March 5, 2023 by BaileyB

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, BJP1991 said:

 maintaining a positive frame/mindset about the relationship and not let feelings of doubt or anxiety cause stress about it?

There's always some newness. So rather than framing it as "anxiety and stress", try to reframe it as new to me. 

This way the past won't haunt you and you can be fully present to observe and enjoy your current situation.

 

 

[basil67]

I would say that a large part of this also depends on building resilience.  The self assurance to know that even if it goes wrong, and you get hurt, you will eventually be OK