Wiseman2 Posted March 29, 2023 Posted March 29, 2023 (edited) It's completely within your power to stop paying his rent. Edited March 29, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator removed quote
Crossingpaths Posted March 29, 2023 Posted March 29, 2023 I pay 1/2 of the rent b/c last Spring we decided to rent a place together and live with each other (at least 1/2 the week) to avoid the commute. I intended to sell my place late Fall but I didn't feel comfortable in the the rented place to stay full time. I told him I'm not renewing the lease.
Crossingpaths Posted March 29, 2023 Posted March 29, 2023 When I spoke to him several weeks ago about how burdensome this is on me, he promised to come to me on some weekends once his search for a home (in his area) was completed and as far as I know, there's no house hunting this weekend, but he expects me to run to him anyway and gets annoyed if I suggest something different. For example, this morning he texted "any chance I can see you earlier this week" meaning he wants me to come to him today or tomorrow instead of Friday. When I replied, "let me see how my day goes at work and I'll call you", no reply from him (which I consider hostile). He made plans for us (w/o asking me) for this Friday for a gym class and I think he uses these reasons as an excuse for me to come visit him. I thought of replying "You're welcome to come to me this weekend" to see his reply. If he agrees, then I will try to talk to him again; but if he says "well, I made us an appt for the exercise class", I was planning on saying "we can do it next weekend if I come to you". If that doesn't work, am I looking at a lost cause?
stillafool Posted March 29, 2023 Posted March 29, 2023 3 minutes ago, Crossingpaths said: I pay 1/2 of the rent b/c last Spring we decided to rent a place together and live with each other (at least 1/2 the week) to avoid the commute. I intended to sell my place late Fall but I didn't feel comfortable in the the rented place to stay full time. I told him I'm not renewing the lease. So it was agreed upon by the two of you before you rented the apt that you each would pay half the rent; but you didn't stay because you don't like living in a rented place. Now I understand why he expects you to pay half his rent. Now you have rightfully decided not to buy a house with him because (if I remember correctly) there's no proof he has his share of the money. Is this correct? If all above is true, can he move out of the apt and in with a relative of his?
stillafool Posted March 29, 2023 Posted March 29, 2023 6 minutes ago, Crossingpaths said: I thought of replying "You're welcome to come to me this weekend" to see his reply. If he agrees, then I will try to talk to him again; but if he says "well, I made us an appt for the exercise class", I was planning on saying "we can do it next weekend if I come to you". If that doesn't work, am I looking at a lost cause? I think inviting him to come see you is a good reply. What is your definition of "a lost cause"? 1
Crossingpaths Posted March 29, 2023 Posted March 29, 2023 he needs to be more aware of my needs and be more considerate before moving forward with any plans, etc.
Crossingpaths Posted March 29, 2023 Posted March 29, 2023 9 minutes ago, stillafool said: So it was agreed upon by the two of you before you rented the apt that you each would pay half the rent; but you didn't stay because you don't like living in a rented place. Now I understand why he expects you to pay half his rent. Now you have rightfully decided not to buy a house with him because (if I remember correctly) there's no proof he has his share of the money. Is this correct? If all above is true, can he move out of the apt and in with a relative of his? he has money but I don't know if I'm ready to live with him. He has shown he is quite frugal sometimes and that worries me. I spend some money but there's a balance of everything. When I mentioned this to him, he agreed and said he would like me to help him but at my age (66), I don't need a project.
stillafool Posted March 29, 2023 Posted March 29, 2023 (edited) 27 minutes ago, Crossingpaths said: he has money but I don't know if I'm ready to live with him. He has shown he is quite frugal sometimes and that worries me. I spend some money but there's a balance of everything. When I mentioned this to him, he agreed and said he would like me to help him but at my age (66), I don't need a project. I completely agree with you. If he's this cheap what will happen if you move in with him and get sick? Is he still going to require you pay for everything? You will have no support financially and may have to help him. He seems to be doing most of the talking, tell him what YOU want and don't back down. Tell him you would like him to help you. Edited March 29, 2023 by stillafool
stillafool Posted March 29, 2023 Posted March 29, 2023 36 minutes ago, Crossingpaths said: he needs to be more aware of my needs and be more considerate before moving forward with any plans, etc. I agree and it seems he's only thinking about what he needs. 1
Crossingpaths Posted March 29, 2023 Posted March 29, 2023 I'll ask him to visit me this weekend and let him know I'll be there next weekend (I have to be there next Thursday night for a dinner with his family anyway). I'll see what his reply is. If it's a bunch of BS again giving me excuses then the handwriting is on the wall. 1
Crossingpaths Posted March 29, 2023 Posted March 29, 2023 so apparently after i texted him he said we aren't on same page. He apparently rescheduled a dinner with his friends including with me for this Saturday (he never discussed the original dinner we had to cancel b/c we are both sick last weekend and then again rescheduled for this weekend w/o asking me) and then he said he thought we'd drive around and look at houses but maybe I've given up on the idea of buying a home now and then had an emoji sad face. I'm ready to lose it...he doesn't listen. 1
Alpacalia Posted March 29, 2023 Posted March 29, 2023 Considering the fact that you continue to feed him and not hold him accountable, this is a predictor of what's to come in the future. There will be a self-centered, selfish, it's all about me kind of relationship created for you. The only person to be blamed for this will be you, and you alone. He isn't coming to visit you because he doesn't have to do that. Why? It's not necessary for him to visit you since you're always ready to drop everything for him. Sad thing is, he knows it. The idea that maybe he should visit his girlfriend since you always visit him doesn't require rocket science. Fallback and stop visiting him. Stop paying his rent. It sounds like you're sacrificing what you want (i.e. Him to visit you) in fear of never seeing him if you don't go see him. 2
MsJayne Posted March 29, 2023 Posted March 29, 2023 (edited) [ ] This guy doesn't love you, (or any other person for that matter), he loves the convenience of you. You pay your own way, and part of his by the sound of it, you don't complain loudly about his selfishness, and you're even teetering on the verge of being fully financially engaged with him. What would happen if you ripped into him, pointed out his stinginess and the lack of respect and consideration he shows towards you, and told him that his rent's not your responsibility, (I can't believe he's manipulated you into paying some of his rent!)? My guess is that the relationship would be over. My advice is to stop donating to this guy's cause, just ditch him while you can. Edited March 29, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator threads merged 2
Wiseman2 Posted March 29, 2023 Posted March 29, 2023 52 minutes ago, Crossingpaths said: then he said he thought we'd drive around and look at houses but maybe I've given up on the idea of buying a home now It's good your instincts are guiding you. On some level you know he wants a purse, not a partner. It's just hard to accept that. 1
stillafool Posted March 29, 2023 Posted March 29, 2023 1 hour ago, Crossingpaths said: so apparently after i texted him he said we aren't on same page. He apparently rescheduled a dinner with his friends including with me for this Saturday (he never discussed the original dinner we had to cancel b/c we are both sick last weekend and then again rescheduled for this weekend w/o asking me) and then he said he thought we'd drive around and look at houses but maybe I've given up on the idea of buying a home now and then had an emoji sad face. I'm ready to lose it...he doesn't listen. Did you tell him you do not appreciate his making plans that include you without your permission? 1
stillafool Posted March 29, 2023 Posted March 29, 2023 3 hours ago, Crossingpaths said: he needs to be more aware of my needs and be more considerate before moving forward with any plans, etc. As you can see this isn't going to happen unless you put your foot down. Even then, his attitude is his way or the highway. 1
Crossingpaths Posted March 29, 2023 Posted March 29, 2023 we spoke on phone. I explained there's nothing to see and I don't think i want to buy anything now. He mentioned he'd renew his lease if nothing comes on the market soon that looks good. So for now, he's coming to me tomorrow to spend a few days with me. We will see how that goes but either way, I'm going to discuss my concerns about the one sided relationship I see. 1
stillafool Posted March 29, 2023 Posted March 29, 2023 2 minutes ago, Crossingpaths said: we spoke on phone. I explained there's nothing to see and I don't think i want to buy anything now. He mentioned he'd renew his lease if nothing comes on the market soon that looks good. So for now, he's coming to me tomorrow to spend a few days with me. We will see how that goes but either way, I'm going to discuss my concerns about the one sided relationship I see. Good. See what happens when you put your foot down. Definitely discuss all of your concerns when he comes over. 2
Gaeta Posted March 29, 2023 Posted March 29, 2023 I still don't understand how he got you to pay half his rent. If your plan was to live at each others place than you don't owe anything to each other. Why are you looking for a house to buy at 66? How old is he? It's time to size down to a condo in our 60s, not take on a property that will cost maintenance and renovation. Your retirement money should go toward enjoying life with less responsibility. Are you sure you want to share a property with a frugal partner? I wouldn't. I can imagine from here all the conflicts around the amount of hot water you'll use and you & him not agreeing on what is reasonnable maintenance on a house. Is your current house paid off? Will you sell it or put it up for rent? Will his down payment on a new house equal your down payment?
Author Bethesda9999 Posted March 30, 2023 Author Posted March 30, 2023 We were looking at a smaller place. He’s my age. The original idea was for me to live there half of the week but I didn’t end up liking it.
Gaeta Posted March 30, 2023 Posted March 30, 2023 (edited) 1 hour ago, Bethesda9999 said: We were looking at a smaller place. He’s my age. The original idea was for me to live there half of the week but I didn’t end up liking He can't welcome his girlfriend over for a few days a week like any other normal man? When he comes over for a few days do you charge him rent? Sounds ridiculous right. Who came up with the idea you pay half the rent? He lives there 100% of the time, you were gonna live there 50% of the time and you pay half? Sounds like good math to you? If both of you living there full time means you both pay half then you living there half of your half (50% of your 100%) then your part is 25% of the rent. I'd be curious what type of arrangement he's got for you concerning buying a house. I hope you're gonna run this through your own notary first. Edited March 30, 2023 by Gaeta
Alpacalia Posted March 30, 2023 Posted March 30, 2023 Relationships are a two-way street and both parties should be contributing and taking care of each other. If you feel like he is not doing his part, it might be time to consider if this relationship is right for you. 1 hour ago, Bethesda9999 said: We were looking at a smaller place. He’s my age. The original idea was for me to live there half of the week but I didn’t end up liking it. Did you explain to him why you don't like the place and offer alternative solutions?
Author Bethesda9999 Posted March 30, 2023 Author Posted March 30, 2023 15 minutes ago, Gaeta said: He can't welcome his girlfriend over for a few days a week like any other normal man? When he comes over for a few days do you charge him rent? Sounds ridiculous right. Who came up with the idea you pay half the rent? He lives there 100% of the time, you were gonna live there 50% of the time and you pay half? Sounds like good math to you? If both of you living there full time means you both pay half then you living there half of your half (50% of your 100%) then your part is 25% of the rent. I'd be curious what type of arrangement he's got for you concerning buying a house. I hope you're gonna run this through your own notary first. You’re right about the math. It was our hope that after 6 months I’d move in full time. The apt is too noisy for me coming from a very quiet home. That’s when he suggested we look at townhomes.
Alpacalia Posted March 30, 2023 Posted March 30, 2023 5 hours ago, MsJayne said: [ ] This guy doesn't love you, (or any other person for that matter), he loves the convenience of you. You pay your own way, and part of his by the sound of it, you don't complain loudly about his selfishness, and you're even teetering on the verge of being fully financially engaged with him. What would happen if you ripped into him, pointed out his stinginess and the lack of respect and consideration he shows towards you, and told him that his rent's not your responsibility, (I can't believe he's manipulated you into paying some of his rent!)? My guess is that the relationship would be over. My advice is to stop donating to this guy's cause, just ditch him while you can. Indeed. Venting about your boyfriend may not be the most constructive approach to resolving the issues you are facing. It seems that rather than finding solutions to the issues, you are just looking for someone to listen to your grievances. 1
Crossingpaths Posted March 30, 2023 Posted March 30, 2023 It does help put it into perspective for me b/c I'm too emotionally involved.
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