Author Bethesda9999 Posted March 20, 2023 Author Posted March 20, 2023 Yes we rented this past year but I don’t like living in the apt on a full time basis.
stillafool Posted March 20, 2023 Posted March 20, 2023 2 hours ago, Bethesda9999 said: He keeps telling me that the entire housing idea is because he wants to be with me full time and have a more normal life rather than seeing each other on extended weekends and living alone the rest of the week. Should I assume he’s not being truthful? I don’t see him as a person who lies. Is it possible his motives include his desire to be with me and the fact that I can pay for a new home? Yes very possible and also why he's being extra nice to you now. If him being away from you is such a problem for him why isn't he travelling more to see you than the other way around? Is it because gas is so expensive? Does he offer to help pay for yours? He won't even buy you a salad for goodness sake. I think you're confused because you won't come out and ask him the questions that you've raised here that only he can answer and to tell him your concerns about moving in together. You keep repeating that "he said", "he wants", you guys to be together all the time. Worry about what you want and whether or not he's meeting it before you move in with him. Does he have the money to buy a home?
Author Bethesda9999 Posted March 20, 2023 Author Posted March 20, 2023 He does ask me and I’ve been going along to see what housing will entail and also to buy some time but the deadline to give notice to the current landlord is a few weeks away so he’s anxious. I don’t know what to do because if I tell him I need more time I think we may have to end things because I know he wants to be with me or so he says all the time. He says he knows I’ve been the one driving the last few weeks because the potential homes are in his area but he will come to me once our home search is completed.
smackie9 Posted March 20, 2023 Posted March 20, 2023 This isn't about what he wants....this is about how he behaves in situations. He is a selfish entitled person. Eventually he will start to isolate you from family and friends because he wants you to be totally dependent on him. This is why we date...to see how they treat us and how they fit into our lives. I would run for the frickin hills! 1
Gaeta Posted March 20, 2023 Posted March 20, 2023 12 hours ago, Bethesda9999 said: by the way the day before I left for the weekend I had to take care of our family cat this weekend because my son was away so I had texted him to tell him I would be coming on Friday instead of Thursday and he said “OK… I guess “. He indicated to me over the weekend that he had been hoping I would generally be there on Thursdays So his reaction to this was to make you feel guilty. He seems to make everything about him. Why are you shopping for a house in his area ? Like the others I have a feeling this man is interested in how much you can finance his next home. He sounds like a 'taker' to me. Does he even enhance your life. 1
Alpacalia Posted March 20, 2023 Posted March 20, 2023 (edited) 3 hours ago, Bethesda9999 said: Yes we rented this past year but I don’t like living in the apt on a full time basis. There are a few red flags here. My concern is that you might overlook these points just because you are so intent on feeling that he wants all of these things because you want it to mean a whole lot more to you. There was a very similar thread about driving a boyfriend to a medical procedure that I came across. It would be helpful if you could let me know if this is the same man. It is hard to give you the best advice if we do not have a complete picture of your situation. It was mentioned that you are both senior citizens. Does he have any mobility issues? Buy nothing with him without him putting forth the same amount he is expecting from you. Since you are not married, if you purchase a house where both your names are present on the deed, you are both the owners of the property because you share an equal interest in it. Regardless of the amount of money that has been contributed, it will be considered equal regardless of its amount. Why sell your house to buy a new one which will make you a mere half-owner, if at all. There will be a lot less hassle involved in buying a house with him if he saves up his half of the deposit first. The income that you will earn from renting out your house can be used to cover HALF of the new monthly mortgage payments that you will have to make. A relationship that is insecure is not a good investment for YOUR assets. Ideally, you want someone who is emotionally supportive and secure in themselves. Do you possess the qualities of being emotionally supportive and secure in yourself that you desire in someone else? You need to consider why he is pushing to buy a home. It could be a sign that he was feeling uneasy and helpless during the encounter with your family. Now, it's possible that he is attempting to reassert some degree of control over his environment by pushing to buy a home. Edited March 20, 2023 by Alpacalia 2
Wiseman2 Posted March 20, 2023 Posted March 20, 2023 (edited) 4 hours ago, Bethesda9999 said: Yes we rented this past year but I don’t like living in the apt on a full time basis. Are you paying half his rent so you can visit him? And you have your own house but he wants you to sell that to finance a house he wants? Stop paying his rent. Talk to trusted financial advisors, an attorney and your adult children. Edited March 20, 2023 by Wiseman2 1
stillafool Posted March 20, 2023 Posted March 20, 2023 7 hours ago, Bethesda9999 said: He does ask me and I’ve been going along to see what housing will entail and also to buy some time but the deadline to give notice to the current landlord is a few weeks away so he’s anxious. Why are you the one "going along" to see what housing will entail when you're already a homeowner and know what's involved. If anything he should be the one "going along" since he has no money/ How much is he going to contribute to the down payment? Why do you just "go along" with everything he wants instead of standing up for yourself? 1
Author Bethesda9999 Posted March 20, 2023 Author Posted March 20, 2023 He claims to have one half for the house. I'm concluding that I being treated unfairly. For example if I’m barely at the apt I shouldn’t be paying anything. While it was our original intent to share the apt it didn’t turn out that way. When we went away for my birthday last year for a weekend I had to pay half of the room. Too many examples
Gaeta Posted March 21, 2023 Posted March 21, 2023 1 hour ago, Bethesda9999 said: He claims to have one half for the house. I'm concluding that I being treated unfairly. For example if I’m barely at the apt I shouldn’t be paying anything. While it was our original intent to share the apt it didn’t turn out that way. When we went away for my birthday last year for a weekend I had to pay half of the room. Too many examples When you're about to melt your finance with someone you need to know every detail of their financial situation: his revenue, his debt, his saving. Why in the world are you paying part of his rent? Because you spend from Thursday to Sunday there?? Where did he live before? You are being taken for a ride B. How long have you been dating? 2
basil67 Posted March 21, 2023 Posted March 21, 2023 (edited) There's more red flags than a bullfighting contest! May I offer you some new words? No. Stop. Slow down. Stop rushing me. I'm not ready. I will not contribute to your rent. I am not selling my house when I feel so uncertain. I'm not ready to live with you. OK, perhaps don't use all the words at once , but I guarantee that when you stand up for yourself, you are going to see the kind of behaviour which you saw at your family's house. He will be rude, possibly abusive and put all the blame on you. This will create a perfect situation where you can easily end it. Just make sure you do it in public and have left nothing you want in his apartment. Edited March 21, 2023 by basil67 3 1
Wiseman2 Posted March 21, 2023 Posted March 21, 2023 2 hours ago, Bethesda9999 said: if I’m barely at the apt I shouldn’t be paying anything. Stop paying his rent. Save for your retirement. Unfortunately scammers often target lonely isolated widows with someone assets and savings. 3
JTSW Posted March 21, 2023 Posted March 21, 2023 This is all about control. He wants control over every aspect of your lives. This is abusive. Do not get a home with him. He is acting obnoxious at your family's home to put you off wanting to go there. He will eventually have you not seeing any family of friends because he 'wants you all to himself'. The warning signs are screaming at you. Listen to them.
Wiseman2 Posted March 21, 2023 Posted March 21, 2023 (edited) On 3/19/2023 at 10:25 PM, Bethesda9999 said: . He says “ok I just need to know where you stand because I’ve been transparent but I don’t think you totally trust me financially.” You're right not to trust him or allow him to make financial plans with your money. Talk to your family who met him. What do they think of him? He should be "rebuilding after divorce" with his own money, not yours. If you sense you're just an easy meal ticket for him, try to trust your instincts and your family's impressions of him and the situation. Edited March 21, 2023 by Wiseman2 1
Author Bethesda9999 Posted March 21, 2023 Author Posted March 21, 2023 (edited) I believe he has feelings for me and wants to be with me but me having money is certainly a benefit from his perspective but I have a lot less than he claims to have. I also believe he’s got some money from talking to him about taxes etc but not necessarily the amount he told me. Again with all his money he has an issue spending it on others including me sometimes. He does expect me to pay for myself unless we are out for dinner etc but he expected me to pay for half of the hotel room when we went somewhere for my birthday weekend but he paid for our meals. I’ve always told him how much I love flowers in all the time we’ve dated (20 months) yet the only time he bought them for me was when I asked him to bring flowers for thanksgiving dinner. Edited March 21, 2023 by Bethesda9999
Wiseman2 Posted March 21, 2023 Posted March 21, 2023 (edited) 5 minutes ago, Bethesda9999 said: he claims to have. I also believe he’s got some money from talking to him about taxes etc but not necessarily the amount he told me. Please talk to your adult children, financial advisors and attorneys. It's unwise to pay someone's rent or consider joint purchases when you know very little about his finances. If he wants your money to pay his rent or buy him a house, you'll need to see proof and documents just like a bank would. Edited March 21, 2023 by Wiseman2 1
stillafool Posted March 21, 2023 Posted March 21, 2023 8 minutes ago, Bethesda9999 said: I believe he has feelings for me and wants to be with me but me having money is certainly a benefit from his perspective but I have a lot less than he claims to have. I also believe he’s got some money from talking to him about taxes etc but not necessarily the amount he told me. Again with all his money he has an issue spending it on others including me sometimes. He does expect me to pay for myself unless we are out for dinner etc but he expected me to pay for half of the hotel room when we went somewhere for my birthday weekend but he paid for our meals. May I ask why you are putting up with him? What benefit are you getting by trying to be with him and what are your ages? How can you guys plan to buy a house without first discussing how much money you are both going to contribute? He is with you because he feels you're a push over with money he can use. I'm sorry to say that but that's how it appears. I don't see where he has the feelings you think he does for you. If you are with him all the time your money is available for him all the time is the way he's viewing you. 2
Alpacalia Posted March 21, 2023 Posted March 21, 2023 You're treading on thin ice. Ignoring your daughter's concerns and favoring this man's instead is a mistake. There's no indication of the love you have for or receive from this guy. It's evident that you've noted several inconsistencies and inconsiderate behavior. So, why are you still in a relationship with him?
glows Posted March 21, 2023 Posted March 21, 2023 On 3/19/2023 at 7:25 PM, Bethesda9999 said: I just spent a weekend with my bf. As soon as I walked in the door he had all the possible new homes laid out on the table. I finally said to him he needs to stop being so anxious about possibly buying and I said I need time to figure it out for me. He says “ok I just need to know where you stand because I’ve been transparent but I don’t think you totally trust me financially.” I said I need more time. we went and saw more homes the next day but nothing looked ok. all the while I keep asking myself is this the right move? Then he says he was thinking if we can’t find a home before the lease ends at the end of June, then he had the idea of possibly moving into my home out of the area if I was OK with that and then we could wait and see if the prices and inventory improved next year. While I had suggested this, originally, I was thrown off guard. He said it wasn’t his first choice, but it was better than renting a one bedroom for himself, because the whole point according to him was that he wants to be with me all the time, and the only way to do that is either to buy a home or for him to move into my home until such time as we could buy them together. He kept repeating that he wanted to be with me all time and he didn’t like this kind of arrangement where we only see other on the weekends. Meanwhile, Ive driven there for three straight weekends and he claims it’s because I need to be around to look at homes. Well, this is sort of true looking at new homes it’s really not what I want to be doing right now. I feel like I need at least a break of one week or so even though the notice to the current landlord is due at the end of next month. I just feel so worn out from this whole thing. He seemed like he was going out of his way to treat me well this past weekend, even though he generally does anyway, but in the sort of an extra way. For example, he had run to the store the day before I came, and he texted me and asked me if I wanted anything in the apartment and he took me to an event at his religious organization with a lot of people, and he introduced me to everybody and when we got back he said he was really happy I was with him and he really didn’t want me to leave but he understood that I had to go back home the next day. by the way the day before I left for the weekend I had to take care of our family cat this weekend because my son was away so I had texted him to tell him I would be coming on Friday instead of Thursday and he said “OK… I guess “. He indicated to me over the weekend that he had been hoping I would generally be there on Thursdays, but it seems like things come up but truth is I am very busy on Thursdays now with catching up on household stuff doctors appts before before running out there to see him. He promised me that once we have no more houses to look at in the next week or two that he will be coming out to me for a couple weeks to give me a break . Problem is I need a break now! In any event what this is all about it’s very confusing once again. That’s my question above that states can my boyfriend have two personalities? I just still cannot reconcile his behavior in Florida with the behavior he exhibits to here , he is generally very thoughtful and kind but he was not so much in Florida. He was sometimes immature, a little stingy and got angry over things that I didn’t think were relevant at that time . I don’t want to necessarily break up with him but I don’t want to waste anyone’s time, especially given the fact we are both senior citizens and I know he’s truly looking to rebuild his life after his divorce and remarry. For me, I always thought that I would be with somebody I really care about and that cares about me and respects my kids and my family, but marriage isn’t necessarily a requirement. does anyone have any advice about this other than the above ? Thank you. Just say you’re not ready to buy a home together and prefer living apart. The problem isn’t really him. It’s you wanting everything and to please him when the situation doesn’t fit what you need or want at this time. Yes, of course it may mean the end of the relationship but why does that faze you? You both may have very different priorities. If you’re not comfortable with him moving into your home be honest and firm about that too. Don’t say one thing and mean another or appear confusing about what you want when it clearly makes you uncomfortable. I’m seeing this from the other side also and that it can appear confusing and frustrating when you’re saying one thing wanting to be with him or open to living together and looking at homes, then turning around and being tired and frustrated or “worn out”, not excited or on the same page as he is. In regards to his different or two personalities, sure, maybe. I’m sure he could be saying the same about you. One moment you’re obliging and in agreement with what he says and the next always nitpicking and seeming distant or not on the same page. 1
smackie9 Posted March 21, 2023 Posted March 21, 2023 My 87 year old mother says, being at a later stage in your life, it's best to just have gentlemen friends, and keeps your money to yourself. Too old to be melding your finances with someone....because when it goes down hill, you could end up living with your kids with nothing.
Gaeta Posted March 21, 2023 Posted March 21, 2023 7 hours ago, smackie9 said: ....because when it goes down hill, you could end up living with your kids with nothing. I had an older divorced friend that had a paid house. She met a user. He convinced her to sell her house to buy one under both their names....and she did. She invested all her revenue from sale of the house and financed the rest. Once in the house he stopped working, would not help with any of the maintenance, her retirement money coul not sustain all of that so they lost the house to the bank. She now lives with her eldest son.
Crossingpaths Posted March 29, 2023 Posted March 29, 2023 (edited) [ ] I’m really at my breaking point. I feel so torn. Part of me cares for him a great deal and I know (or it appears) he feels the same way about me. At the same time I don’t know if I can move forward with someone who is sort of tight with money sometimes, seems self-centered and doesn’t do anything special for me. I used to do things as a surprise like making him cookies or buying his favorite bread but when he never reciprocated (not even with flowers although I hinted several times) I stopped doing it. I know he expects me to pull my weight financially so I don’t have an issue with paying half of trips since he pays for most of our dinners out but I’ve been paying half of the apt (except his pays for cleaning supplies and the cable) and still am even though I only go 2 weekends a month. He did say that once the lease ends in July he’d get a 1 bedroom and pay on his own. Maybe it's part of the self-centerless but one other thing that’s even more concerning. He has been making plans for us without asking me many times. Include dinners out with his friends for us, exercise classes and the like. After I told him strongly several weeks ago that we need to take turns traveling to see each other, he promised to do so except I went there the last 3 weekends and he assumes I'm going there again this weekend. He's used as an excuse that I needed to go to him b/c we had homes to see but there's no homes to see this weekend (and I've told him I don't think buying is wise right now anyway), and he still assumes I'm coming. He already signed us up for an exercise class on Friday, OMG! Do I tell him I think he should come to me this weekend instead? Edited March 29, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator threads merged
stillafool Posted March 29, 2023 Posted March 29, 2023 (edited) 19 minutes ago, Crossingpaths said: Do I tell him I think he should come to me this weekend instead? Of course. Why didn't you tell him earlier that if he wants to see you this weekend he should come to you. Also what did he say when you told him buying a house is not wise at this time? Have you told him not to sign you up for any more activities without asking you first? Edited March 29, 2023 by stillafool
stillafool Posted March 29, 2023 Posted March 29, 2023 23 minutes ago, Crossingpaths said: For some reason, my prior thread was closed b/c I didn't reply but I was sick with the flu, so I'm back. When you don't participate in your own thread they will close it. Are you there?
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