Kassieee Posted March 17, 2023 Posted March 17, 2023 (edited) 11 minutes ago, Els said: Some of you have clearly never had outpatient surgery with anaesthesia before. If that was indeed the case for the OP's bf (and the recovery time sounds like it), you can't just "call a taxi". If you don't have anyone you know to bring you home, your medical practitioners can't legally allow you to undergo the procedure, and they will have to reschedule for another day. Which could be months away... EVEN if it was an important or urgent procedure. It's a minor procedure. They would've kept him there till the anathesia wore off. Someone I know had surgery on his shoulder, he took the taxi home because his wife doesn't drive, it's not that serious, it's a minor procedure. Edited March 17, 2023 by justaskingok
Els Posted March 17, 2023 Posted March 17, 2023 18 minutes ago, justaskingok said: It's a minor procedure. They would've kept him there till the anathesia wore off. Someone I know had surgery on his shoulder, he took the taxi home because his wife doesn't drive, it's not that serious, it's a minor procedure. He can take a taxi if his wife was accompanying him. All of the surgical procedures I've undergone have stipulated this requirement, including minor ones like dental surgery. Lots of people experience post-anaesthesia effects where they aren't in their right minds and can't recognize their house etc. 2
Lotsgoingon Posted March 17, 2023 Posted March 17, 2023 I have had three major surgeries within the past five years. I know the whole etiquette. So what that he needed accompaniment? So what?! What does that requirement got to do with someone insisting that his gf drive a car she doesn't think is safe? We are never required as good people to do something we consider dangerous or to drive a car that scares us--except for perhaps dire, dire emergencies. That is NOT a part of being a good friend or a close family member. First rule of emergency responders: don't get into an accident on the way to a fire or emergency. First rule. That's why ambulances going to help people in dire trouble pause for traffic lights (sometimes fully stop) before going forward. And safety on route is why fire companies and medics make such a big deal about vehicle maintainence. A procedure ain't a dire emergency. And like the others have said, you tell the hospital your partner's car has trouble and they will figure out how to work with you. They will bring in the social worker if need be--they will figure it out! A woman I know had double-knee replacement, spent the night and the friend who was her "accompaniment" never met her at the hospital. Hospital called the friend and urged the friend to stay in touch with the woman with the double-replacement. And no, a delayed procedure (because of car danger--not skipping) is going to to the top of the list for any cancellations coming up--you're not going to wait months. This guy's "procedure" didn't have nearly the complications risk as bilateral knee replacement. It is not our job to drive a car we don't feel safe in.
smackie9 Posted March 17, 2023 Posted March 17, 2023 I think this has just simply brought on all the resentment you been having with him. Take some time out to reflect. I you don't like any of what is expected of you, or the course this relationship has taken...maybe it's time to end it.
Els Posted March 17, 2023 Posted March 17, 2023 (edited) 23 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said: I have had three major surgeries within the past five years "Major" surgeries are usually done in-patient (not outpatient) and you would be warded in a hospital ward after. So if that's what you had, you didn't need someone to accompany you home. Quote What does that requirement got to do with someone insisting that his gf drive a car she doesn't think is safe? Like I said, she could take a taxi to him and accompany him back in one if she didn't feel it was safe to drive. Quote A woman I know had double-knee replacement, spent the night I'm not sure you understand the difference between in-patient procedures and outpatient procedures. If you are staying the night, then there's no requirement that someone must accompany you home. Your anaesthesia would have worn off by the time you are discharged. Quote And like the others have said, you tell the hospital your partner's car has trouble and they will figure out how to work with you. They will bring in the social worker if need be--they will figure it out! LOL, please let me know which outpatient clinic has social workers on-call to accompany people home with 12 hours' notice!! I'd love to go there. Edited March 17, 2023 by Els
Gaeta Posted March 17, 2023 Posted March 17, 2023 Someone can drive a long time with a nail in their tire without knowing it an it's not dangerous as long as you don't lose pressure in the tire. She drove to him that same night and I bet the tire light didn't come on during that trip. OP could not be that worried, after she dropped him at the hospital she did not attend to her tire, she waited hours later after she picked him up to get it fixed. What did she do during these hours he was having his surgery at the hospital? drove around shopping? 1
Lotsgoingon Posted March 17, 2023 Posted March 17, 2023 Op, we're all over the place. So what are you feelings at this point?
Alpacalia Posted March 17, 2023 Posted March 17, 2023 (edited) If your boyfriend had been more considerate of your situation and respectfully asked for help, accommodating him would have been easier without feeling exploited, especially since he requested something that could jeopardize your safety and that of others. It appears that you felt taken advantage of in this situation and perceived your boyfriend as self-centered for not taking your situation and choices into account. Renting a car instead of fixing the tire and managing your other responsibilities would have been a wiser choice, eliminating the potential for an accident. It would have been a more safer solution for you than hurrying to get the tire fixed while managing all your other duties. You had a lot on your plate, juggling driving him, taking him to his medical procedure, caring for him during recovery, and handling other responsibilities like work and caring for your children. Putting the tire incident to the side, I believe that you are taking on more than you can handle in this situation. It seems as though you are the one always going to him and you have leased an apartment in his vicinity, is that so? In addition, he is pushing you to sell your house and other possessions. For what reason is he trying to do this? I can understand his desire to be close to you, but why is it necessary for you to sell your house and other assets? Edited March 17, 2023 by Alpacalia 1
Author Bethesda9999 Posted March 18, 2023 Author Posted March 18, 2023 Im really confused. He’s generally thoughtful but then he does things like make plans for our Saturday night with another couple without asking me first and then walks with me to pick up a salad for dinner but doesn’t offer to pay after I drive to see him in 90 min of traffic
Gaeta Posted March 18, 2023 Posted March 18, 2023 I see him as entitled, insensitive, inconsiderate. The comment about my family not keeping enough food in the fridge would have me end this relationship. When people welcome you into their home you don't complain about their food and home. I mean we learn that when we're little children!! Like @glowssays, if not enough food you go to the store and bring food for everyone. And even when the fridge is full you participate and go buy alcohol & food as a sign of appreciation. He's not thoughtful, you find him nice when nothing is going on but when it's time to show consideration, patience, sensitivity he's failing. 1
glows Posted March 18, 2023 Posted March 18, 2023 3 hours ago, Bethesda9999 said: Im really confused. He’s generally thoughtful but then he does things like make plans for our Saturday night with another couple without asking me first and then walks with me to pick up a salad for dinner but doesn’t offer to pay after I drive to see him in 90 min of traffic He’s not a mind reader. You have to communicate what you want to see or what you like. I’m not sure why he has to pay for your salad if, let’s say, he’s not eating at all. You didn’t include if he bought anything for himself or ate. Talk about communicating more clearly with each other because plans affect you also.
glows Posted March 18, 2023 Posted March 18, 2023 (edited) On 3/14/2023 at 11:26 AM, Crossingpaths said: He got aggravated when I told him I want to rent in Florida during the winter months and he is ok with this but said "We need to focus on finding a place here first. We need to tell the current landlord in about 5 weeks if we are renewing". And then he said, "you know, it's like I (meaning him) am pulling in one direction and your daughter and sister in Florida are pulling you in another direction. Are you and I on the same wavelength? He also said "you sound like you daughter and sister talking". I said I was but know I really don't know the right thing. I apologize if he is hurt by something I may have done or said but I never heard an apology or acknowledgement from him about me driving the night before his procedure. Instead, he just gave an excuse. We generally have a great relationship but I'm concerned about this behavior. Maybe I expect too much? He may be bracing for a break up or distancing himself knowing you’ll be away in Florida during the winter months. How does that work for your relationship, by the way? You both only live together during the “warmer” months? Colder months are long distance or you don’t see each other if you’re living with your daughter? Edited March 18, 2023 by glows
Wiseman2 Posted March 18, 2023 Posted March 18, 2023 (edited) On 3/14/2023 at 2:26 PM, Crossingpaths said: . I did agree to this Don't agree to things that you feel are too much. As you mentioned, he has people in his area. Next time be crystal clear so people can make alternative arrangements rather than you feeling pressured or resentful. You have a long history of conflicts with him and your adult children have repeatedly mentioned their concerns about his motives regarding you financing his living arrangements. This isn't about who needs a ride for what type of procedure. This is a continuation of multiple conflicts. You seem to agree to a lot of things you later regret. Edited March 18, 2023 by Wiseman2 1
Gaeta Posted March 18, 2023 Posted March 18, 2023 5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: This isn't about who needs a ride for what type of procedure. This is a continuation of multiple conflicts. You seem to agree to a lot of things you later regret. Ah ok. Sounds like a case of complaining about the little things cause l can't face the big things. 1
Mrin Posted March 18, 2023 Posted March 18, 2023 (edited) I think you are overreacting about the nail OP. In fact, I think you're being the one that's self-centered and self-absorbed. In my relationship(s) we move Heaven and Earth for each other in a time of need. A nail in a tire? Psshaw... That's not even a minor hill to move. All that being said... This really isn't about the nail. I do agree with other who has said this is really about underlying resentment that you have with him and your relationship. Some of this maybe that you two are just not compatible. But I'm getting a sense that you don't really have great communication. Or perhaps you yourself don't feel self-expressed. Take the lingering resentment of the lopsided travel. You need to ask yourself: how long have you let the resentment of the lopsided travel build up before you mentioned it to him? If it's a significant amount of time, you need to really look inward as to why you didn't address it earlier. If that's a you thing - something about your personality - then that's something you need to work on. Do you have a pattern of feeling like this in other relationships? If that's a safety thing - that you didn't feel safe addressing it - then I would look a little deeper as to whether or not you should be in a relationship with this man. Above all, you should feel safe to communicate your needs and feelings to your partner. Best of luck. Mrin Edited March 18, 2023 by Mrin 1
Alpacalia Posted March 19, 2023 Posted March 19, 2023 Your intense desire for this relationship to work is causing you to overlook all the red flags. Despite his selfishness, exemplified by his request for you to drive 50 miles to his place to support him and act as his chauffeur for his medical procedure, you are still finding ways to justify his behavior. You may not even realize how much you are excusing his self-centered actions. Is this the same man? Why does my boyfriend have 2 personalities? - Dating - LoveShack.org
Author Bethesda9999 Posted March 20, 2023 Author Posted March 20, 2023 On 3/17/2023 at 9:22 PM, Gaeta said: I just spent a weekend with my bf. As soon as I walked in the door he had all the possible new homes laid out on the table. I finally said to him he needs to stop being so anxious about possibly buying and I said I need time to figure it out for me. He says “ok I just need to know where you stand because I’ve been transparent but I don’t think you totally trust me financially.” I said I need more time. we went and saw more homes the next day but nothing looked ok. all the while I keep asking myself is this the right move? Then he says he was thinking if we can’t find a home before the lease ends at the end of June, then he had the idea of possibly moving into my home out of the area if I was OK with that and then we could wait and see if the prices and inventory improved next year. While I had suggested this, originally, I was thrown off guard. He said it wasn’t his first choice, but it was better than renting a one bedroom for himself, because the whole point according to him was that he wants to be with me all the time, and the only way to do that is either to buy a home or for him to move into my home until such time as we could buy them together. He kept repeating that he wanted to be with me all time and he didn’t like this kind of arrangement where we only see other on the weekends. Meanwhile, Ive driven there for three straight weekends and he claims it’s because I need to be around to look at homes. Well, this is sort of true looking at new homes it’s really not what I want to be doing right now. I feel like I need at least a break of one week or so even though the notice to the current landlord is due at the end of next month. I just feel so worn out from this whole thing. He seemed like he was going out of his way to treat me well this past weekend, even though he generally does anyway, but in the sort of an extra way. For example, he had run to the store the day before I came, and he texted me and asked me if I wanted anything in the apartment and he took me to an event at his religious organization with a lot of people, and he introduced me to everybody and when we got back he said he was really happy I was with him and he really didn’t want me to leave but he understood that I had to go back home the next day. by the way the day before I left for the weekend I had to take care of our family cat this weekend because my son was away so I had texted him to tell him I would be coming on Friday instead of Thursday and he said “OK… I guess “. He indicated to me over the weekend that he had been hoping I would generally be there on Thursdays, but it seems like things come up but truth is I am very busy on Thursdays now with catching up on household stuff doctors appts before before running out there to see him. He promised me that once we have no more houses to look at in the next week or two that he will be coming out to me for a couple weeks to give me a break . Problem is I need a break now! In any event what this is all about it’s very confusing once again. That’s my question above that states can my boyfriend have two personalities? I just still cannot reconcile his behavior in Florida with the behavior he exhibits to here , he is generally very thoughtful and kind but he was not so much in Florida. He was sometimes immature, a little stingy and got angry over things that I didn’t think were relevant at that time . I don’t want to necessarily break up with him but I don’t want to waste anyone’s time, especially given the fact we are both senior citizens and I know he’s truly looking to rebuild his life after his divorce and remarry. For me, I always thought that I would be with somebody I really care about and that cares about me and respects my kids and my family, but marriage isn’t necessarily a requirement. does anyone have any advice about this other than the above ? Thank you.
Alpacalia Posted March 20, 2023 Posted March 20, 2023 (edited) By selling your house and moving with your boyfriend, you would be placing yourself under his control. It is important to consider the stress of job hunting and the disappointment of being unable to fully enjoy the home you have earned through hard work. Ideally, you should aim for a partner who shares your values and ambitions. It's not an equal he wants, it's a mommy. If things don't work out after selling your home, you'll be set back trying to get another house. Domesticity does not equal commitment. He is asking far more from you than he is willing to provide in exchange, making this an unfair and one-sided. Of course, I could be wrong. Wish You The Best. Edited March 20, 2023 by Alpacalia 1
basil67 Posted March 20, 2023 Posted March 20, 2023 (edited) I'm not seeing two personalities. Rather, I'm seeing one personality - one which believes that the world needs to revolve around him and his needs. Sure, he hasn't been losing his temper when you're with him on your own, but he's still pushy pushy pushy with little regard to what you may or may not be ready for. I think you'd be foolish to move in with him because I think you'll see more of his horrible behaviour next time he doesn't get his needs met. How long has this relationship been going? Edited March 20, 2023 by basil67
Wiseman2 Posted March 20, 2023 Posted March 20, 2023 (edited) 4 hours ago, Bethesda9999 said: . we are both senior citizens and I know he’s truly looking to rebuild his life after his divorce Talk to your adult children. Talk to your financial people and attorney. Do not buy him a house. Do not sell yours to finance it and do not let him move in. It's not your job to compensate for what he lost in the divorce, especially if he's chronically figuring out how to spend a lonely widow's money and assets. He seems overly eager to hustle you into what's best for him. Edited March 20, 2023 by Wiseman2
Author Bethesda9999 Posted March 20, 2023 Author Posted March 20, 2023 He keeps telling me that the entire housing idea is because he wants to be with me full time and have a more normal life rather than seeing each other on extended weekends and living alone the rest of the week. Should I assume he’s not being truthful? I don’t see him as a person who lies. Is it possible his motives include his desire to be with me and the fact that I can pay for a new home?
Wiseman2 Posted March 20, 2023 Posted March 20, 2023 13 minutes ago, Bethesda9999 said: . Is it possible his motives include his desire to be with me and the fact that I can pay for a new home? Yes. He seems to be quite interested in the fact that you can finance a home for him.
Author Bethesda9999 Posted March 20, 2023 Author Posted March 20, 2023 Is there something wrong with me sharing in the cost if I can afford it albeit not as much as he could? He does ask for lots of input from me in terms of the potential home including price and location?How do I decipher if he’s being truthful in his stated motive of wanting to live with me as a couple in a more “normal” situation?
Alpacalia Posted March 20, 2023 Posted March 20, 2023 (edited) Have you both considered renting an apartment together before making such a huge commitment like buying a home? It could be a great way to make sure you're both ready for the responsibility of a mortgage together, even though some people may not be too fond of the idea of renting. How long have you been a couple? Edited March 20, 2023 by Alpacalia
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