Why does my boyfriend have 2 personalities? merged thread]

[Bethesda9999]

My boyfriend is generally very thoughtful. But recently we were visiting my family out of state and he acted insensitive and had a feeling of entitlement. Example when at home he cleans up his plates after each use but staying with my family he didn’t. He complained to me they didn’t keep enough food in frig etc.  while we were there. he complained I was excluding him in conversation with my family and he couldn’t wait to get home “and get me all to himself”. 
 

now we’re are home and his personality is back to “normal”. He has me all to himself. 
 

is he possessive?

Edited March 30, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[ShyViolet]

People do sometimes act different in different situations or contexts.  It doesn't mean that he has two personalities.  It sounds like he's more comfortable with you at home, but when around unfamiliar people he has poor social skills and doesn't know how to act.  He sounds rather immature.  I would be put off by this.... I would tell him that he was very rude when at your family's house and that you didn't appreciate it.  Maybe he didn't want to be there and was just in a bad mood the whole time.  But as an adult I would expect him to still act normal and deal with it.

[mark clemson]

2 hours ago, Bethesda9999 said:

  while we were there. he complained I was excluding him in conversation with my family and he couldn’t wait to get home “and get me all to himself”.

The all to himself business is weird, but perhaps he does feel excluded? You should keep an eye on that and try to make sure he feels included, as well as keeping an eye on him in case he turns out to be one of these overly controlling types...

[Lotsgoingon]

Red flag. At very least, he has insecurities. That's not two selves. Sounds like he expects to be the center of attention. And at your folks home he wasn't the focus and he got freaked out.

He couldn't even  stay polite to do the dishes. 

Red flag. Red flag. Red flag. And yes, "all to himself" comment--another red flag. This guy sounds extremely needed and self-centered. 

Now turn on your alarm noticing more behavior like this. Do not put your head in the sand and go through all kinds of denial. It's usually easy to be on good behavior at least the first time you're visiting a partner's  parents. So be on alert.

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, Bethesda9999 said:

 he couldn’t wait to get home “and get me all to himself”. 

How long have you been together? How old is he? It seems like a very strained visit. Does your family like him? 

It seems more like he just wanted to get out of there more so than possessvinness. 

However it may be time to reevaluate his general rudeness and whether he blends well with your people.

[mortensorchid]

These are red flags - you are seeing his true self verses his face he puts on before the public.  Happened to me more times than I care to think about now.  Once I was with someone in a LTR for almost 2 years and when I came out for a weekend he was in the worst mood I had ever seen him in.  He didn't talk, he screamed, threatened, demanded, etc.  I had never seen him that angry and I was confused as well as afraid.  He broke up with me.  

Not knowing anything else about him, does he find fault with anything and everything you do?  What are the positives about him?  Is this the first time you have ever seen this?  

[basil67]

I'm seeing both sides to this.

On one hand, it sounds like he was very rude and critical.  But on the other hand, was he left out?   Did anyone take the time to chat with him and ask what he's been doing lately?   The comment about having you all to himself could be seen as controlling.  But it could also be seen as a statement of relief now that he was back home and could just chill with you and be himself. 

I would advise you to use a bit of caution, but to also have an objective look at what the visit was like and see if he his complaint about being left out was legitimate.

[glows]

What does he mean not enough food in the fridge? Why didn’t you all go buy some and stock it? Was that an option? Could he not go out and buy food? Did he contribute anything? Anything at all? 

The first thing I’d be asking is how much of a contributor someone is before they open their mouth to complain. You did mention entitlement. I’m wondering if he’s not very proactive in general or not much of a problem solver. I don’t know if I’d think he’s controlling as much as just not able to think. 

It’s possible he was looking to you for support and the go ahead to find a solution together but it was also misconstrued. A breakdown in communication and now he has two personalities. 

Try communicating a bit more and see whether you’re compatible that way.

Edited March 4, 2023 by glows

[Crossingpaths]

I’m afraid I have an issue about my bf's self centeredness. A few weeks ago he was having a minor procedure medical procedure and he wanted me to drive to him the night before so I could take him at five in the morning and then pick them up again a few hours later. I did agree to this but late in the afternoon the day I was supposed to leave my tire indicator went off on one of the tires so I knew that I either had a nail or something in that tire. I called immediately and said I’m gonna try to get the tire fixed now. But I don’t have any roadside assistance so you should be ready to consider taking a taxi or Uber to the procedure and then I’ll do everything I can to pick you up.

I did run around for tire repair and the only thing I could do was find a tire store to put some air in the tire. I called him back again and he seem to trivialize my concerns and said just come out tonight and you can get your tire fixed near the apartment where we are tomorrow. Not really knowing what to do but feeling guilty, so I went ahead and drove out in the dark 50 miles to the apartment. I got up early in the morning and drove him and then picked him up a few hours later and then finally got my tire fixed which turned out was a nail. I took care of him for 2 days until he was back on his feet.  He has grown kids in his area who didn't even know he got the procedure but he could have reached out to either of them for a ride if he wanted. I told him he should have said that I don't want you to get stuck so I'll figure out how to get to the procedure but try to pick me up later in the morning - he never said any of this.

The point was that he was acting in my opinion, so much selfishly and wasn’t too concerned about what would happen if I got stuck. However, he was very appreciative of my efforts and thanked me many times.

I brought this up to him and told him that as partners were supposed to have each other‘s back but that was pretty bad what he did. He really didn’t apologize but rather just said look, I was really nervous about the procedure.  I’m not really sure what we resolved but I feel better saying something of course.

I explained to him this was particularly troubling to me since I drive to him on most weekends and I sacrifice my time and effort to be in his area on the weekend but I do so willingly. He responds by saying "You sound like your daughter (who wants me in Florida with her but I told her only during the cold months and she is ok with this)!".  He also replies saying that's because we are looking at places in that area to live together.

I’m really torn. I care for him a lot and I believe he does too but the only way our relationship can move forward is for us to live together to avoid all of the travel. He got aggravated when I told him I want to rent in Florida during the winter months and he is ok with this but said "We need to focus on finding a place here first. We need to tell the current landlord in about 5 weeks if we are renewing". And then he said, "you know, it's like I (meaning him) am pulling in one direction and your daughter and sister in Florida are pulling you in another direction. Are you and I on the same wavelength? He also said "you sound like you daughter and sister talking".

I said I was but know I really don't know the right thing. I apologize if he is hurt by something I may have done or said but I never heard an apology or acknowledgement from him about me driving the night before his procedure. Instead, he just gave an excuse.

We generally have a great relationship but I'm concerned about this behavior. Maybe I expect too much?

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Crossingpaths said:

  "We need to focus on finding a place here first. We need to tell the current landlord in about 5 weeks if we are renewing". 

How long have you been together? Do you have your own apt or house? What is the big rush moving in together?  Is his major focus splitting the cost of living?  Listen to your family and don't get pressured. At some level you already know this has been an uneven relationship.

Is this the same man?

 

Edited March 14, 2023 by Wiseman2

[ShyViolet]

He was having a medical procedure that he was nervous about.  You promised him you would be there for him and drive him to and from.  I don't think he was being "self-centered" by being upset that you started changing the plans.  Yes you had a legitimate concern with your tire issue, but can you understand why someone having a medical procedure that they are anxious about the next day is a bigger concern and should probably take precedence?  

Maybe it wasn't just the physical driving but also having someone close to him *be there* for him for the process that was important to him.

2 hours ago, Crossingpaths said:

I explained to him this was particularly troubling to me since I drive to him on most weekends and I sacrifice my time and effort to be in his area on the weekend but I do so willingly.

You knew what you signed up for when you entered into this relationship.  You chose to carry on a relationship with someone who does not live close to you.  Don't complain about it later if you chose to do it willingly.  If all the traveling is too much, then you shouldn't continue this and you are free to end the relationship.  But this isn't justification for your argument... that he was supposedly "self-centered" for expecting you to hold up your end of a promise you made him to be there as he went for a medical procedure.

[Stret]

This looks like you're making a minor and understandable moment of self-centeredness into a person's entire character. He also did address it later and apologised in his own way, but didn't use the words that you expected. I think you're expecting too much 

[spiritedaway2003]

I think a lot of people are afraid of being alone.  Especially before a medical procedure that one is nervous about.  Ifyou had promised that you'd be there for him before and after, I don't think he's being self-centered.  He also wanted your support.  The timing of the tire in the nail is unfortunate and can be dangerous, but can usually be taken care of usually quickly at most shops.  Yes, he could uber himself, but you could also get to his place somehow and uber together, etc. 

The you always driving over to him is probably a legitimate concern as well the the big decision on where to move, but that's a separate issue you guys are dealing with.  I wouldn't conflate this one incident as a ding on his entire character as being selfish or not caring enough.

[MsJayne]

He didn’t trivialise your tire problem, you made it to his place, then to and from the hospital, so it obviously wasn’t a serious puncture. It does sound like you’re the one putting in all the miles and effort driving back and forth to his place every weekend, are you really ok with moving there? If you refused to move to be with him would the relationship be over? 

[salparadise]

Yea, I agree that if you were supposed to accompany him for the procedure, telling him the night before that you may not show because, of all things, the tire pressure sensor activated... then that was on you. You overreacted. What he needed at that time was absolute reliability.

(FYI, those things do false alarms all the time. Or if the pressure drops a couple of lbs. Check the tire visually, listen for air hissing, check the pressure with a gauge, keep an eye on it. Most of the time it's nothing.)

You merged the issue about the tire sensor and the fact that you drive to his location most weekends, and you therefore felt like he was wrong. Two separate things. I'm sure there is a reason why you're doing most of the driving... if not, then talk about taking turns while you look for a place together. Choose your battles wisely. Don't be vaguely unhappy.

[JTSW]

I think you made too much of a big deal over nothing.

He is not self centred for needing you to be there for him when he was nervous about a medical procedure.

He also showed he was very grateful.

Cut him some slack.

[Gaeta]

I would be hurt if my bf told me to take a Uber home after a surgical procedure

I think you have accumulated resentment concerning doing all the driving in your relationship. That needs to be addressed separately than this hospital incident. You can't put everything in a basket throw it at him. I would also not have bothered him with my tire problem, I would have solved that on my own to not burden him while he's weak. 

[NuevoYorko]

Yeah I've got to side with the BF on this one.

My partner recently had a minor surgical procedure.  It was required that  she have a person there to pick her up after.  Calling an Uber would not have been an option.  

[Alpacalia]

21 hours ago, Crossingpaths said:

I did run around for tire repair and the only thing I could do was find a tire store to put some air in the tire. I called him back again and he seem to trivialize my concerns and said just come out tonight and you can get your tire fixed near the apartment where we are tomorrow. Not really knowing what to do but feeling guilty, so I went ahead and drove out in the dark 50 miles to the apartment. I got up early in the morning and drove him and then picked him up a few hours later and then finally got my tire fixed which turned out was a nail. I took care of him for 2 days until he was back on his feet.  He has grown kids in his area who didn't even know he got the procedure but he could have reached out to either of them for a ride if he wanted. I told him he should have said that I don't want you to get stuck so I'll figure out how to get to the procedure but try to pick me up later in the morning - he never said any of this.

Your vehicle issue impacted your ability to take your boyfriend to his medical procedure.

In which case, yes. It's possible that he acted selfishly here. 

The nervousness he felt about the procedure is understandable, which may have hindered his ability to consider your concerns. A medical procedure can be a scary event, and we aren't always in the best frame of mind to deal with it. He may also be feeling a bit anxious given the disagreements with your living situation.

You were asked to drive him to/from his appointment, but he didn't anticipate that you were having car troubles that would prevent you from fulfilling his request. Your tire problem was dismissed when he suggested you come out anyway and get your tire fixed later, which could have put you in danger.

Despite your delay and perhaps a few ribbings, pushing back and fixing your tire so that you could arrive safely would have been the best course of action.  

Your priorities and goals when it comes to where you want to live differ. Your boyfriend may be feeling anxious and insecure about the long-distance relationship. I understand his desire to move forward with the relationship. In his comment, he might be trying to ensure that you are focused on his priorities.

Getting a compromise may be as simple as sitting down together and making a list of the pros and cons of each location as well as your individual living needs and wants. It is easier to find a solution that works for both of you if you understand each other's perspective.

You could also try living together in his area for a few months to see if it works for both of you. This may offer you both a chance to experience living together and determine whether it's feasible in the long run.

[Ami1uwant]

He is having surgery

you said you would take him

then you tried to back out

now you think he was lying test he needed you…….

[Els]

This is all very vague since we don't know what the procedure is, but considering the fact that he was unable to care for himself for 2 days afterwards, it sounds less along the lines of mole biopsy and more along the lines of "actual surgery that requires anaesthesia". In that case, you were absolutely in the wrong IMO. If his adult kids didn't even know about the procedure, then it doesn't sound like he can rely on them to pick him up, especially on such short notice. And if he's on anaesthesia, there's no other way he can go home, and no way for him to arrange his own transport afterwards if you somehow end up not being able to pick him up. He was absolutely right to say what he did - if you couldn't pick him up to GO there, there's no safe way for him to get this done so he would have to reschedule the procedure entirely.

In your place, I would have not driven if it was truly a risk, but I would have called a cab to go there with him, then a cab to take both of us back. People can take cabs after surgery as long as they are accompanied by a trusted person, they just can't go alone.

You being the one driving every weekend is a separate issue that should be addressed separately with him. Why can't he alternate weekends?

[Alpacalia]

OP your guy is pushy.

You're doing all the driving in the relationship, he's pushing you to sell your home and all your assets. I mean what the eff?

You're taking care of him during his recovery. How is he showing up for you?

[Lotsgoingon]

 

I totally agree that he was acting self-centered and babyish as well. 

You were right to worry about the tire problem. You could get in an accident with a tire that suddenly deflates. You can also damage your car. I don't get on the road except for a 5-minute trip near my house if I have a tire problem. I will not get on the highway and certainly wouldn't want to go 50 miles. That's dangerous. And a medical procedure is not an emergency. Make if he had suffered a devastating stroke, well maybe then on your own you decide to risk the drive. 

He didn't take your concern or wellbeing seriously. Red flag to me. He got really self-absorbed. His procedure and his desire to have you with him does not outrank your need to be safe. A more considerate person would have told you to take care of the tire and just get to the hospital as soon as you could, if you could. I have had several major surgeries in the past few years. About to go in for another "procedure" in the next month. Never occurred to me that I would want someone doing something they think dangerous to take me to the hospital. The ER would be the only exception. 

It's not your job to put your own safety at risk for taking someone to a procedure. Simply not part of the job. BTW: the issue here is not the objective conclusion that your car was dangerous to drive. The issue is that YOU didn't feel safe driving. You. That's enough. He is dating you. Your feelings, your calculations, your judgement of danger matter.  He put his feelings first and he ignored yours. 

The idea that you were required to follow through and drive him (simply because you said you would) is preposterous. We should NOT follow through on our word if following through puts us in danger. In fact, we don't even consider that going back on our word. We consider that "something has come up." What if your house caught fire? Would that be going back on your word? Or if you had a child or parent in a major medical emergency (not a scheduled procedure) and you wanted to be with them, would that be going back on your word to not pick him up?  Hell no! Or yes, with very good reason. Doctors delay and postpone surgery if they have covid. Hospitals delay and postpone surgery if there is a key machine not available or if they are dangerously short on staff required for safe surgery. This guy was acting like a baby wanting you to be mommy.

BTW: another red flag is that he is relying on you and not on his children. He has a broader network--he should use it if you ran into car trouble. What's going on that he couldn't call an adult child to give him a ride? That's a major red flag to me. Tells me he'll have you doing work that could and should be spread out among others. 

Now to your part, you cannot let this guy intimidate you. You should not have driven him if you didn't feel safe. You give yourself that permission! You undermined yourself, disrespected yourself, and put yourself in danger by doing so. You also made it seem like you just made up the danger. Why are you asking his approval for what you think is basic and decent, that you didn't feel good driving the car? This is your decision. You need to stand up to this guy. You shouldn't feel an ounce of guilt. 

Reset. You need to not bow down to him. Think about your interest and then you see where it overlaps with what he wants. Move if you want to move. 

 

Edited March 15, 2023 by Lotsgoingon

[Kassieee]

I feel for the guy but at the same time If your partner is being weird about something, hustle for yourself and stop begging.

I would've just called the taxi and not bother relying on you. 

[Els]

9 minutes ago, justaskingok said:

I would've just called the taxi and not bother relying on you. 

Some of you have clearly never had outpatient surgery with anaesthesia before. If that was indeed the case for the OP's bf (and the recovery time sounds like it), you can't just "call a taxi". If you don't have anyone you know to bring you home, your medical practitioners can't legally allow you to undergo the procedure, and they will have to reschedule for another day. Which could be months away... EVEN if it was an important or urgent procedure.