Not sure what to do?

[doowop35]

I'm 35 and never been in a relationship and still a virgin. I have been honest about this before and it has lead to women ghosting me. I really don't feel comfortable with women my age because we are at different stages of our lives. Most women have kids or are way more experienced than me and I don't need that kind of pressure for my first. I feel like I won't be able to relate and to women my age and they would prefer someone similar to themzelves in experience. My only solutions are younger women but women my age call me a creep for this even though they don't want me. So any solutions?

[glows]

You could go the route like someone I used to see and pretend you’re not a virgin. It would be instantly obvious but no one who cares about you will judge you for it. The point is meeting someone you click with and at least admire or respect to some degree. And vice versa. Mutual respect always.

What else do you have going for you? Do you make friends easily? Can you enjoy conversations with different people? Do you enjoy going out solo to meet ups and various interest groups? Whatever you are you are. Don’t bother what people think if they want to look down on you.

 

[ZA Dater]

6 hours ago, doowop35 said:

I'm 35 and never been in a relationship and still a virgin. I have been honest about this before and it has lead to women ghosting me. I really don't feel comfortable with women my age because we are at different stages of our lives. Most women have kids or are way more experienced than me and I don't need that kind of pressure for my first. I feel like I won't be able to relate and to women my age and they would prefer someone similar to themzelves in experience. My only solutions are younger women but women my age call me a creep for this even though they don't want me. So any solutions?

I can relate to this, I think you need to ask yourself a few questions

1: What does it say about those women who ghost?

2: What do you actually want and what sort of idea have you built up over time about dating?

People will always say experience does not matter but I can tell you it absolutely does and it lack of it can be a red flag for many, I think you need to be honest and not sugar coat things too much BUT you MUST value the person you are and never regret being that person. People in this world will do a lot to make you feel bad but you must not go down that road. Younger will be difficult, I tried that too but its even more difficult to relate to them.  Unless you can fit in socially then it may work.

I honestly feel the situation you are in is not unique but the ability of people to relate to how society sees inexperience is in my view very limited. Its like a job, people expect experience but nobody wants to give experience, ok its different but similar.

I would suggest trying to date people in the 26-30yo age group. Younger than that I think will be a waste of time.

[Pomz]

Well eventhou there are many virgins around your age and even above ,telling people on first dates and while they are not your gf yet is not needed.

And accepting that it can happen at your age that many may not be virgin also. Focus on other things like personality,are they respectful to you, and so on.

Because it should be about who you are as person. And what you like to do as hobby and so on.

Telling people you are a virgin is like people telling or asking what sex position you like, on the first date. Its sexual info that dont at the beginning for sure.

About the insecurity maybe you can talk to a therapist to see why you are afraid of feeling ok with it.

And just be proud of yourself. Once you get to know someone and the trust is built and you liking the person, virgin topic can be told. 

[JTSW]

I agree with others that you do not need to disclose that you are a virgin.

Just relax and go with the flow.

[doowop35]

1 hour ago, Pomz said:

Well eventhou there are many virgins around your age and even above ,telling people on first dates and while they are not your gf yet is not needed.

And accepting that it can happen at your age that many may not be virgin also. Focus on other things like personality,are they respectful to you, and so on.

Because it should be about who you are as person. And what you like to do as hobby and so on.

Telling people you are a virgin is like people telling or asking what sex position you like, on the first date. Its sexual info that dont at the beginning for sure.

About the insecurity maybe you can talk to a therapist to see why you are afraid of feeling ok with it.

And just be proud of yourself. Once you get to know someone and the trust is built and you liking the person, virgin topic can be told. 

I have waited to reveal this information and she was equally upset and I understand. It isn't fair to the women who know what they want and prefer someone with inexperience. I have made peace with the fact that that my inexeperience at my age is not something most women want to deal with for whatever reason. This is why I have decided to try younger because the definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results. 

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, doowop35 said:

 women my age because we are at different stages of our lives. Most women have kids or are way more experienced than me 

It seems like you do know what to do and that is finding women in a compatible life stage. For example you don't want to date single mothers.

You don't have to explain your past sexual history to anyone. All you have to do is find someone who is compatible and meets your life stage criteria.

[doowop35]

6 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It seems like you do know what to do and that is finding women in a compatible life stage. For example you don't want to date single mothers.

You don't have to explain your past sexual history to anyone. All you have to do is find someone who is compatible and meets your life stage criteria.

Well its more of I was reading about someone in a similar situation and he basically said if I'm not experienced enough for women my age than I should go younger which proceeded all the women painting him as biggest creep. In this situation what do they expect the guy to do?

[stillafool]

10 hours ago, doowop35 said:

My only solutions are younger women but women my age call me a creep for this even though they don't want me. So any solutions?

Why does it have to be younger women?  Go for an older woman who will have more patience with you.  Younger women want experienced men who can teach them.

[doowop35]

29 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Why does it have to be younger women?  Go for an older woman who will have more patience with you.  Younger women want experienced men who can teach them.

From my experience older women have less patience and don't want ti teach because they know what they want. I don't know why people keep thinking older women are accepting of guys my age with no experience? This would be the next best thing other than finding someone I could learn together with but I just haven't seen it.

[ZA Dater]

1 hour ago, doowop35 said:

I have waited to reveal this information and she was equally upset and I understand. It isn't fair to the women who know what they want and prefer someone with inexperience. I have made peace with the fact that that my inexeperience at my age is not something most women want to deal with for whatever reason. This is why I have decided to try younger because the definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results. 

I wish more people would actually own up to this, I have unquestionably found this to be the case in fact it did not matter at what age I was at they simply were not interested and OP I am guessing that can sense you have no experience, this just makes everything even more complicated.

Fact of the matter is give the choice at anything most people would choose the person with experience. How experienced are you at dating and how do the dates generally go?

What are your life interests, are you able to relate to younger ladies and how much younger do you mean , 21? What age range are you looking in.

The suggestion for older is in my opinion not a good one because you risk becoming a "project" and that is perhaps not something you want. OP what you actually need is a unicorn who is perhaps able to look past inexperience and see your other good qualities but I caution you, finding this person is one thing, hanging onto them is quite another..

Are you outgoing or more of a loner? Big friend circle?

Edited February 28, 2023 by ZA Dater

[glows]

1 hour ago, doowop35 said:

I have waited to reveal this information and she was equally upset and I understand. It isn't fair to the women who know what they want and prefer someone with inexperience. I have made peace with the fact that that my inexeperience at my age is not something most women want to deal with for whatever reason. This is why I have decided to try younger because the definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results. 

Was it one woman who reacted badly? Don’t get a complex or feel insecure because of just one person. I think it’s pretty shallow for someone to react like that.

 

1 hour ago, doowop35 said:

Well its more of I was reading about someone in a similar situation and he basically said if I'm not experienced enough for women my age than I should go younger which proceeded all the women painting him as biggest creep. In this situation what do they expect the guy to do?

He probably did come across as a total creep if he was basing all the interactions on how he can get sexual experience. 

Like I said the whole point is being around people or dating people you care about and vice versa - not making this always about sex.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, doowop35 said:

 if I'm not experienced enough for women my age than I should go younger which proceeded all the women painting him as biggest creep. 

 How did this happen and who are these people? Try to trust your instincts and judgement. Relaxing is the first step. If you have anxiety about inexperience, it may be better to address that directly than try to find different angles to compensate for it.

[doowop35]

7 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

I wish more people would actually own up to this, I have unquestionably found this to be the case in fact it did not matter at what age I was at they simply were not interested and OP I am guessing that can sense you have no experience, this just makes everything even more complicated.

Fact of the matter is give the choice at anything most people would choose the person with experience. How experienced are you at dating and how do the dates generally go?

What are your life interests, are you able to relate to younger ladies and how much younger do you mean , 21? What age range are you looking in.

The suggestion for older is in my opinion not a good one because you risk becoming a "project" and that is perhaps not something you want. OP what you actually need is a unicorn who is perhaps able to look past inexperience and see your other good qualities but I caution you, finding this person is one thing, hanging onto them is quite another..

Are you outgoing or more of a loner? Big friend circle?

I mean I could own up to it all I want but what does that actually do for me? Its like asking women to acknowledge mens struggles, they can but what does it actually change? I just think it would be better if learned with someone who is as inexperienced as I am or close to it. Believe it or not but I'm cool with it its just that most women aren't.

[BlueberryPie]

If the big roadblock to finding a relationship for you is just not having sexual experience... No idea how you feel about this but you could go somewhere like the Bunny Ranch in Nevada USA, a legal brothel.

[doowop35]

4 minutes ago, glows said:

Was it one woman who reacted badly? Don’t get a complex or feel insecure because of just one person. I think it’s pretty shallow for someone to react like that.

 

He probably did come across as a total creep if he was basing all the interactions on how he can get sexual experience. 

Like I said the whole point is being around people or dating people you care about and vice versa - not making this always about sex.

If this guy doesn't have the experience for women his age what he supposed to do? How is a guy who is getting his first relationship in his thirtys and is still learning going to relate to a women who has been in multiple relationships and knows what she wants? Its a recipe for disaster.

[glows]

2 minutes ago, doowop35 said:

If this guy doesn't have the experience for women his age what he supposed to do? How is a guy who is getting his first relationship in his thirtys and is still learning going to relate to a women who has been in multiple relationships and knows what she wants? Its a recipe for disaster.

You’ve switched here from sexual experience to relationship experience which are different and not the same thing. 

Before getting down and dirty hopefully the individuals involved have dated and gotten to know one another to figure out whether they’re compatible. Someone who is interested in another person more similar to them isn’t going to want to date someone relatively inexperienced if that is their choice. Keep in mind not everyone is so narrow minded or thinks the same way. 

I get the feeling you are very afraid what people think of you and are making broad generalizations about how everyone reacts.

There ARE a good deal of people who are as you say and others who are more open minded. I’d think the more negative you are about your current situation the less people want to date you. You as in hypothetical you here - not meaning you exactly. Focus on your other redeeming qualities and don’t sink into a rut believing you’re not as good or have to focus only on one kind of age. 
 

[doowop35]

5 minutes ago, glows said:

You’ve switched here from sexual experience to relationship experience which are different and not the same thing. 

Before getting down and dirty hopefully the individuals involved have dated and gotten to know one another to figure out whether they’re compatible. Someone who is interested in another person more similar to them isn’t going to want to date someone relatively inexperienced if that is their choice. Keep in mind not everyone is so narrow minded or thinks the same way. 

I get the feeling you are very afraid what people think of you and are making broad generalizations about how everyone reacts.

There ARE a good deal of people who are as you say and others who are more open minded. I’d think the more negative you are about your current situation the less people want to date you. You as in hypothetical you here - not meaning you exactly. Focus on your other redeeming qualities and don’t sink into a rut believing you’re not as good or have to focus only on one kind of age. 
 

I'm fine with being the way I am but that doesn't change how women my age or older feel about it. If I had a choice between 1 out of 100 women my age being fine with my inexperience and 20 out of 100 women younger than me being fine with it what advice would you give me?

[glows]

2 minutes ago, doowop35 said:

I'm fine with being the way I am but that doesn't change how women my age or older feel about it. If I had a choice between 1 out of 100 women my age being fine with my inexperience and 20 out of 100 women younger than me being fine with it what advice would you give me?

Are you going for quality or quantity? You do you and what you feel comfortable with. All this is a lot of speculation and assumption. Try being more positive and simply don’t date or continue to date someone you’re not compatible with. It’s not complicated.

[BlueberryPie]

10 minutes ago, doowop35 said:

I'm fine with being the way I am but that doesn't change how women my age or older feel about it. If I had a choice between 1 out of 100 women my age being fine with my inexperience and 20 out of 100 women younger than me being fine with it what advice would you give me?

Wondering if you didn't see my post above or if you just didn't want to consider I said. Either way is fine with me btw. I just wonder if we cross-posted. 

Edited February 28, 2023 by BlueberryPie

[doowop35]

6 minutes ago, BlueberryPie said:

Wondering if you didn't see my post above or if you just didn't want to consider I said. (Either way is fine with me btw).

I didn't see it so Im sorry but no I would never consider this because I have had women suggest this to me and then turn around and say they would not date me if I went this route.

[doowop35]

10 minutes ago, glows said:

Are you going for quality or quantity? You do you and what you feel comfortable with. All this is a lot of speculation and assumption. Try being more positive and simply don’t date or continue to date someone you’re not compatible with. It’s not complicated.

You never answered the question.

[BlueberryPie]

6 minutes ago, doowop35 said:

I didn't see it so Im sorry but no I would never consider this because I have had women suggest this to me and then turn around and say they would not date me if I went this route.

I kinda get the feeling that you're hemming yourself in or something like that here. Almost like you don't think there's any way to get what you want so why try, maybe?

No sexual experience is a big roadblock that older women don't like? and younger women wouldn't want an older guy? But then they won't like you any better if you did get that experience outside of a relationship?

Then how can you possibly get where you want to be?

Women are all different. Some women won't want someone who doesn't have sexual experience but some will. Some younger women won't want to go out with someone a lot older than they are, but some will. Some women might be put off by a guy who got experience from a legal brothel, but some wouldn't care.

So... maybe better to try to focus on what YOUR ideal situation would be and start with that because you just can't know in advance what the preferences will be of women you haven't yet met, nor if their preference would be strong enough to be a deal breaker if you didn't meet it.

Well, I think you did say that you would prefer a woman who also didn't have sexual experience so you'd be on a level playing field. But that's pretty specific and might be hard to find.

What about joining a dating site and just getting out there and see how it goes? After all, you only need ONE.

Well, that's all I got. Good luck to you!

Edited February 28, 2023 by BlueberryPie

[doowop35]

16 minutes ago, BlueberryPie said:

I kinda get the feeling that you're hemming yourself in or something like that here. Almost like you don't think there's any way to get what you want so why try, maybe?

No sexual experience is a big roadblock that older women don't like? and younger women wouldn't want an older guy? But then they won't like you any better if you did get that experience outside of a relationship?

Then how can you possibly get where you want to be?

Women are all different. Some women won't want someone who doesn't have sexual experience but some will. Some younger women won't want to go out with someone a lot older than they are, but some will. Some women might be put off by a guy who got experience from a legal brothel, but some wouldn't care.

So... maybe better to try to focus on what YOUR ideal situation would be and start with that because you just can't know in advance what the preferences will be of women you haven't yet met, nor if their preference would be strong enough to be a deal breaker if you didn't meet it.

Well, I think you did say that you would prefer a woman who also didn't have sexual experience so you'd be on a level playing field. But that's pretty specific and might be hard to find.

What about joining a dating site and just getting out there and see how it goes? After all, you only need ONE.

Well, that's all I got. Good luck to you!

I have tried but I just think I need to try in a different direction. This isn't directed towards you but it seems like people discount guys like me experience with this which just makes things more frustrating. Which goes to show that people who haven't had to deal with this just can't understand even though they might want to.

[BlueberryPie]

1 minute ago, doowop35 said:

I have tried but I just think I need to try in a different direction. This isn't directed towards you but it seems like people discount guys like me experience with this which just makes things more frustrating. Which goes to show that people who haven't had to deal with this just can't understand even though they might want to.

I have a son in the same situation, actually. He has high functioning Asperger syndrome, which I think plays into it. 

The thing is though, the only way to get where you want to go is to get out there and try. Join dating sites, do speed dating, put the word out among friends, acquaintances, relatives and co-workers that you're in the market for a girlfriend, go to any social event you're invited to, etc. Consider getting sexual experience from a LEGAL brothel IF that would seem like clearing a hurdle to you and make you more confident...

All of the above can be awkward, embarrassing, hurtful etc. I know it's not easy, especially when you get a late start.

One attempt might not pay off but if you kept a record and put yourself out there 100 times, I bet you'd have a girlfriend by the end of that for sure.

And of course the more dates you go on, the easier it gets.

I wish you lived near here, maybe you and my son could help each other out, go to speed dating or whatever together lol.