Valentine's Day Date Confusion

[Rider on the Storm]

Backstory: I have liked this woman for about 6 months now. I frequent her place of business nearly daily. Up until late December, she had a boyfriend that she lived with. Right after New Year, I learned from a co-worker of hers that she and her boyfriend split up “within the past month” and she bought her own condo. In retrospect, that did explain her asking me to join her and a couple co-workers for drinks on Christmas Eve (that was the first time she had done that).

Less than a week after her co-workers telling me that she and her boyfriend split, I was talking with her and she told me, “I could really use a date”. I expressed interest and told her that I would come up with something , per her request. While we never ultimately did what I suggested, we did get together a couple weeks later for the first time. We met at a local town center for about 4 hours. I offered some advice on a topic that I know something about at a home improvement store and the other 3 hours were spent talking, walking, and having lunch.

I learned a bit more about her over our lunch. She was with her boyfriend for 6 years. Even as her and I would occasionally talk during the past 6 months, she would never mention her boyfriend, so I didn’t know how long they were together. She expressed that this wasn’t the situation that she wanted for herself in her early 30s. She was hoping to have been married and having kids at this point. I’m early 40s and came out of a several year relationship myself last year, so I could appreciate how she felt. Despite not all the discussion being “fun”, I thought our outing went well, overall, but my takeaway was that she probably isn’t ready to date.

Fast forward to the day before Valentine’s Day. I receive a text from her asking if I had plans for V Day morning. She asked if I would be interested in a coffee date with her. Happily, I accepted. The evening before our date, I met a friend for a cocktail. I told him that while I was looking forward to our date, I still didn’t think that she was necessarily ready for anything serious. As a result, I didn’t have overly high hopes, despite really liking her.

Overall, I would say our 2.5 hours together went well. The coffee date / beach walk conversation flowed nicely, although I did find myself a little confused by some of it. For example, early in the date she mentioned how she’s always so nervous around me. The second time she said this, just to be sure, I asked, “Is that a good thing?” She responded, “not a bad thing at all”. She also mentioned sometime during the date that things were just really difficult right now given how long she was in a relationship with one person. I believe she said something about her not being ready for anything too serious right now. I don’t believe this was in response to any specific thing that I said or asked. To the best of my recollect, it was just a general statement. While we were in her car and about to part ways, she said “I don’t know what I want”. My understanding of the meaning of that statement is usually  "I don't want you". Again, I don’t think it was in response to any specific thing that I said, but I did take that to mean that nothing serious was going to come of this.

I told her that I certainly wouldn’t begrudge her for wanting to take her time, do her thing, or whatever it is that she decides. I reiterated that when I came out of my long term relationship last year it was probably 4 months before I even started thinking about dating again. While I really do like her, I sort of saw this playing out this way. After getting out of her car, she came around and gave me a hug. She said, “when I said nervous earlier I meant like butterflies. That’s all I was trying to say”. I sent her a text after the date thanking her for a good morning and she responded, “Thank you!!”

Late last week, I met a group of friends for happy hour. I spoke with 2 male and 1 female friend about how my date went.  Both of my male friends thought that it was presumptuous on my part to assume that “I don’t know what I want” necessarily meant that she wasn’t interested and thought it was a mistake on my part for not having contacted her since. My female friend thought that what I described above was “odd” and suggested that I definitely continue dating, but she wasn’t sure what she was trying to get across exactly.

When the date ended, I felt like the date went well, overall. I wasn’t surprised about her “not knowing what she wants” comment. As mentioned, that was my takeaway after our first outing. Personally, I think it’s probably too soon for her to get involved in a serious relationship and/or she is keeping her options opened at the moment. One or both is my personal feeling. Admittedly, my 2 male friends put some doubt in my mind. Both suggested that she wouldn’t have asked me out twice (once being on Valentine’s Day) if she wasn’t interested in me. One said it defies logic that a woman is going to tell you that you give her butterflies "on Valentine's Day" if she isn’t interested in you.

Even though it was not the outcome that I wanted, I somewhat felt at peace with the scenario until my friends’ feedback started to make me second-guess myself. Her and I haven’t spoke since (other than some brief, friendly small talk at her place of work). Based on what I described, was backing off the right decision? Did I focus too much on certain words?

Would really appreciate the feedback.

Edited February 27, 2023 by Rider on the Storm

[JTSW]

She likes you, without a doubt.

But like you said, she just came out of a 6 year relationship so she needs to take it slow.

You have been the perfect gentleman and she can definitely see that.

Don't blow her off though.

Keep in casual contact for now.

Tell her you are always there for her.

Don't give up on her.

[Alpacalia]

It appears that she has an affinity for you!

Try to not make assumptions about her sentiments based on limited interactions or a few comments. Try clarifying questions instead to better understand her. If she had said "I don't know what I want," you can ask her to elaborate on what she meant.

Keep things at a leisurely pace. Focus on building a friendship first and see where it goes from there. After that, you can decide if you are compatible and what you both want.

[glows]

You’re just wary and that’s fine. However you’re never really going to know how this pans out if you don’t take a risk. Logically no she’s not a good choice if you’re turned off but it seems like you do like her quite a lot and are thinking about it even now! 

It was just one date. You both may find out you’re incompatible on the second or third or fourth. I’m leaning towards the thought that you should ask her out again. There’s nothing to lose here. 

And don’t get so overly attached to someone you hardly know. She may be charming on the outset but vastly incompatible with you on many other points. Good luck!