How long to wait for grieving ex?

[Theguywhocantdecide]

So I work in a gym and one girl who's a member there ive known for a while now. Basically recently one of her parents passed away and I sent a condolence message but it turned into us talking about dating. Everything was going amazing just from talking and we connected so well, we found out that we had actually liked each other for a while but neither of us said anything and near to her parent's funeral she told me that she couldn't commit to me because she would have to spend more time with her family which I completely understand and agree with and she said she wouldn't expect me to wait but we both know how well we'd be together so I said i'd wait but as the days have passed since we last spoke, I have been overthinking every scenario like, what if when she's ready she's found someone better than me? what if i'm waiting a long time just for her to say she can't get us back to where we were? what if she only said these things to help her cope with what happened? I'm holding onto this hope that we said we were perfect for each other but too much is playing on my mind that I don't know what to do.

[basil67]

I'm so sorry this happened to her.   I guess the question of how long you wait depends on what she's dealing with and how long you're prepared to wait.  Have you checked in to see how things are going?  What exactly does 'more time with the family' involve?   How long has it been since her parent passed?   I'd wait for her for a while, but also have sporadic contact, checking in to see how she's doing

Though I would suggest you add a bit of reality to the things you've said to each other.  The two of you don't really know if you'd be perfect for each other until you've actually been dating for a substantial amount of time.  At this point, being perfect together is wishful thinking. 

[Theguywhocantdecide]

25 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I'm so sorry this happened to her.   I guess the question of how long you wait depends on what she's dealing with and how long you're prepared to wait.  Have you checked in to see how things are going?  What exactly does 'more time with the family' involve?   How long has it been since her parent passed?   I'd wait for her for a while, but also have sporadic contact, checking in to see how she's doing

Though I would suggest you add a bit of reality to the things you've said to each other.  The two of you don't really know if you'd be perfect for each other until you've actually been dating for a substantial amount of time.  At this point, being perfect together is wishful thinking. 

Thankyou, I was going to wait until I next see her in the gym to see how she's doing so that I don't suffocate her when she probably just needs time to herself? I thought the same thing as she wasn't specific when saying that she'll be spending more time for the family. It's been a couple of weeks since her parent passed now, funeral was a few days ago. 

Yeah well it was based off the connections that we had, I agree that we'd have to see how we were in an actual relationship before defining it as perfect since it's early doors but off the talks we've had, we've had so much in common and have the right personalities for each other which made it seem perfect. 

[basil67]

You sound very thoughtful    

Given that the funeral was very recent, I'd give it another few days and then send a text/call to check in and see how she's doing.  I doubt she'd find sporadic contact without pressure to  be suffocating.  

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Theguywhocantdecide said:

 I sent a condolence message but it turned into us talking about dating. 

Sorry this is happening. Have you ever been out with her? Step back and wait for her to reach out. She may be overwhelmed, so give her time with her family and friends. 

[Theguywhocantdecide]

21 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. Have you ever been out with her? Step back and wait for her to reach out. She may be overwhelmed, so give her time with her family and friends. 

Thankyou, yeah we've been out once, I told her that I didn't want to rush her into anything obviously because of the situation she's going through now. Yeah i'll probably see her in the gym soon anyway so can talk in person if it comes to it.

[Lotsgoingon]

As a general rule, you don't stop your life for someone you've been out with once. The odds are so vastly against you. You simply cannot tell how well you connect with someone based on one in-person date. I'm imagining you've done tons of texting---texting is useless for building the real bonds of a relationship. 

 

[glows]

6 hours ago, Theguywhocantdecide said:

Thankyou, yeah we've been out once, I told her that I didn't want to rush her into anything obviously because of the situation she's going through now. Yeah i'll probably see her in the gym soon anyway so can talk in person if it comes to it.

This sounds best. It doesn’t sound like you were dating and knew one another casually at the gym. Hard to discern if you were that close as friends for very long.

When I’m very stressed I don’t feel anything and am numb, and it was the same when I’ve lost people close to me. I am very sorry for her loss. Keep doing your own thing and be friendly around her. She may come around later on. 

The real problem seems to be your anxiety and not enough confidence in yourself. Whatever happens or doesn’t happen with her, life goes on. You go on and have faith that you’ll cross one bridge at a time. You don’t need to have all the answers right now. 

 

Edited February 27, 2023 by glows

[Theguywhocantdecide]

8 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

As a general rule, you don't stop your life for someone you've been out with once. The odds are so vastly against you. You simply cannot tell how well you connect with someone based on one in-person date. I'm imagining you've done tons of texting---texting is useless for building the real bonds of a relationship. 

 

Thanks yeah I just have a lot of stress as it is going on in my life now and talking to her was such a good way of taking my mind off it but now after stopping speaking it's just added to my stresses. 

[Theguywhocantdecide]

2 hours ago, glows said:

This sounds best. It doesn’t sound like you were dating and knew one another casually at the gym. Hard to discern if you were that close as friends for very long.

When I’m very stressed I don’t feel anything and am numb, and it was the same when I’ve lost people close to me. I am very sorry for her loss. Keep doing your own thing and be friendly around her. She may come around later on. 

The real problem seems to be your anxiety and not enough confidence in yourself. Whatever happens or doesn’t happen with her, life goes on. You go on and have faith that you’ll cross one bridge at a time. You don’t need to have all the answers right now. 

 

Yeah I agree, I knew something like this was going to happen and I thought she was only speaking to me to cope with what happened but she told me that wasn't the case so I had hope that it could work out. 

Thanks, I told her I wouldn't be getting into another relationship anytime soon anyway so i'll just give it time and see what happens. Sorry for the losses you've gone through yourself. 

Yeah it's just that it feels like so much of the things in my life are going wrong at the minute and speaking to her helped me out a lot so that stopping has probably made my anxiety spike up even more than before.

[glows]

5 hours ago, Theguywhocantdecide said:

Yeah I agree, I knew something like this was going to happen and I thought she was only speaking to me to cope with what happened but she told me that wasn't the case so I had hope that it could work out. 

Thanks, I told her I wouldn't be getting into another relationship anytime soon anyway so i'll just give it time and see what happens. Sorry for the losses you've gone through yourself. 

Yeah it's just that it feels like so much of the things in my life are going wrong at the minute and speaking to her helped me out a lot so that stopping has probably made my anxiety spike up even more than before.

Yeah, I hear you. When it rains, it pours. But deal with one thing at a time. Leaning so heavily on one person should raise alarm bells within yourself as it may be telling you you’re taking on too much. 

There’s a possibility she felt that you needed too much emotional support and it took too much out of her. Try giving private counselling a go or talking with your doctor. 

[Theguywhocantdecide]

35 minutes ago, glows said:

Yeah, I hear you. When it rains, it pours. But deal with one thing at a time. Leaning so heavily on one person should raise alarm bells within yourself as it may be telling you you’re taking on too much. 

There’s a possibility she felt that you needed too much emotional support and it took too much out of her. Try giving private counselling a go or talking with your doctor. 

Oh I rarely ever talked to her about my problems, it was just that talking to her made me forget about them. 

Yeah i'm just gonna try keep myself busy because the worst times are when i'm alone with my thoughts, cheers.

 

[glows]

21 minutes ago, Theguywhocantdecide said:

Oh I rarely ever talked to her about my problems, it was just that talking to her made me forget about them. 

Yeah i'm just gonna try keep myself busy because the worst times are when i'm alone with my thoughts, cheers.

 

I can empathize and relate 100%. Journalling helps as does exercise. Even quick laps around the neighbourhood does wonders. 

[ShyViolet]

22 hours ago, Theguywhocantdecide said:

 I have been overthinking every scenario like, what if when she's ready she's found someone better than me? what if i'm waiting a long time just for her to say she can't get us back to where we were? what if she only said these things to help her cope with what happened?

These things totally might happen.  She might meet someone else and that will be it.  Or she might take some time to get over her grieving process and then decide she doesn't want to date you.  That's life.  There are no guarantees that she will even be interested next week or next month.  You need to stop putting such high expectations on this because you are likely to be disappointed.  If she is interested, she will reach out.  Stop obsessing over this and try to focus on other things.  Being too clingy or insecure isn't a good look and won't make her want to date you.

[flitzanu]

i can tell you as someone who lost a parent over 6 months ago, "a few weeks" is nothing.

she may be giving you real honesty that she literally doesn't have the emotional energy to "deal with" a relationship right now because as a person in a similar situation, i know 100% that i don't have the energy for one after going through that loss.

 

[mark clemson]

You are right I think to give her her space right now (and that's exactly what she's asked you for).

"How long" for mourning will depend on a lot of factor. How close were they? Is there a complicated estate or convoluted family matters to address (such as a very sick or mentally ill sibling as one possibility among MANY others)? How is this loss "hitting" her - very hard or not SO bad?

The timing is unfortunate. It's certainly not the time to date (for her). But for you - how easily do you find romantic partners? Is it fair to yourself to put your life on hold for something that might just evaporate anyhow?

I think if it was me and I wanted to really give this a chance, I'd wait perhaps a month. If she wasn't ready then (completely understandable) I'd perhaps start looking elsewhere and IF/WHEN she was ready and contacted me, if there was no one else by then we could start dating.

Overall it's not being fair to yourself to put your life on hold for something that "might" happen. Doing this is just a form of orbiting IMO, so it's not to be extended beyond the absolute minimum reasonable timeframe. For her part, she doesn't really have the option to "look" right now due to mourning, so she hasn't really lost any time if you don't pan out/found someone else during this time.

Edited February 27, 2023 by mark clemson