Can I Date a Guy My Friend Slept With?

[squeakypoptart]

Can I Date A Guy My Friend Slept With? How do I tell my friend that I am interested in one of her ex hook-ups?

One of my friends had been having casual hook-ups with some dude for about 3 months. She has also been having casual hook-ups with other men. They never really spoke outside of this. No feelings were developed. She had told me about him a few times but adamant she doesn’t have feelings for him and I believe her. 

We went clubbing last summer and all got really drunk. I ended up sleeping with him. She was pretty annoyed but got over it really quickly. She cut all ties with the guy.

A month later, he had initiated a few conversations and shortly after, we became friends. We have a lot in common and he is a great laugh. I had no intention of anything ever happening between us ever again. Overtime it became less platonic and we have both developed feelings for each other. He said he has outgrown casual hook-up life and wants to see where this will go and take us seriously. My friend doesn’t know but I want to tell her. 

What should I do? How do I tell her? I don’t want this to ruin our friendship but I’m only human and I cannot help who I fall for…

Edited February 24, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[smackie9]

Just tell her....if she gets upset ask her what difference does it make when she cut ties with him ages ago. I never saw this as an issue in my own life. If your friend is that possessive over past flings then she shouldn't be any friend of yours. She has no grounds to be upset about it. 

[Kassieee]

I think you should talk to her directly.

[squeakypoptart]

1 minute ago, smackie9 said:

Just tell her....if she gets upset ask her what difference does it make when she cut ties with him ages ago. I never saw this as an issue in my own life. If your friend is that possessive over past flings then she shouldn't be any friend of yours. She has no grounds to be upset about it. 

I am also the same. It wouldn’t bother me if one of my friends wanted to date an ex-fling. It would be different if they had dated, been in a relationship or even just had feelings for eachother — I do believe your friends exes are off limits. 

I guess I’m just working myself up about it because I do care about her and value our friendship. It’s a really tough convo to have. I struggle with bad anxiety and panic attacks. I really want to tell her as soon as possible but I can’t even find the words. 

[squeakypoptart]

8 minutes ago, justaskingok said:

I think you should talk to her directly.

Thanks for your reply. I know that this is what I have to do but I just don’t know how to. I have anxiety and struggle with panic attacks. I’ve been planning how to best approach this for ages now. 

[ExpatInItaly]

All you can do is tell her and let the chips fall where they may. 

You can date whomever you choose. She may or may not support this, but if you really want to date this man, it's a risk you would need to take. 

[Mrin]

Dude here. I don't understand "girl code" but my gut says you should talk to her first. Hard to go wrong doing it that way. 

[Kassieee]

12 minutes ago, squeakypoptart said:

Thanks for your reply. I know that this is what I have to do but I just don’t know how to. I have anxiety and struggle with panic attacks. I’ve been planning how to best approach this for ages now. 

I personally don't think it's a big deal IF it truly was just a hook up for her.

[squeakypoptart]

1 minute ago, justaskingok said:

I personally don't think it's a big deal IF it truly was just a hook up for her.

You’re right. I can only go off what she’s told me and she told me it was just sex and she didn’t have feelings for him (or any of her hook-ups)

[Kassieee]

3 hours ago, squeakypoptart said:

You’re right. I can only go off what she’s told me and she told me it was just sex and she didn’t have feelings for him (or any of her hook-ups)

 

Do you feel like you're crossing boundaries...honestly? If you feel innocent in all this not sure why you'd be stressing this much.

[squeakypoptart]

Just now, justaskingok said:

 

Do you feel like you're crossing boundaries...honestly? If you feel innocent in all this not sure why you'd be stressing this much.

Personally no but I’m very aware that everyone has different boundaries and not everyone reacts to things the same way I would. Also — anxiety LMAO. I’m just a stress head in general. This thread made me realise that I’m overthinking. We’re going for coffee tomorrow morning. Will update with the outcome 

[Kassieee]

1 minute ago, squeakypoptart said:

Personally no but I’m very aware that everyone has different boundaries and not everyone reacts to things the same way I would. Also — anxiety LMAO. I’m just a stress head in general. This thread made me realise that I’m overthinking. We’re going for coffee tomorrow morning. Will update with the outcome 

Wahooooo have fun  

[mark clemson]

It'll probably be a bit awkward when the 3 of you are together, but c'est la vie.

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, squeakypoptart said:

 He said he has outgrown casual hook-up life and wants to see where this will go and take us seriously. My friend doesn’t know but I want to tell her. 

The most important thing is deciding if you want to move forward with him given his history of playing around. 

See how it goes, only time will tell. There's no need for a heavy talk with your friend until you are more sure about things.

As far as your friend, of course she doesn't own him but understandably it's awkward.

[squeakypoptart]

10 hours ago, justaskingok said:

We’re going for coffee tomorrow morning. Will update with the outcome 

Update: 

She didn’t take it well. The reaction I anticipated was that she may be a bit annoyed/upset with me and maybe want some space from me. But then eventually realise that she doesn’t have much grounds to hold a grudge. The way she actually reacted was by saying some very horrible and personal things & blocking my profile on all platforms finishing it off with a “you’re dead to me”.

I just wanted to be open and honest, do the right thing and hear her views. She said I broke “girl code” and he was off limits, even if she has no feelings for him. I disagreed because it’s not fair to be possessive over someone you had no actual relationship/feelings for. Not even a friendship! While I said I respect her views, I did let her know that they were quite unfair and that I would never behave like this to her (which is a fact because she has seen me react to a similar situation I had with a mutual in the past). 

She went to the toilet, came back, and blocked me on every single social media platform there and then. She said she doesn’t want anything to do with me ever again and I’m dead to her.

I was very shocked and hurt. I didn’t think she would erase our entire friendship and pretend I don’t exist over this. I’m not saying she has no right to react, I just don’t agree with her reasoning and how horrible she was, considering we are literally friends and I wouldn’t ever behave like this to her. I have always been so loving and forgiving to her and everyone tbh so I think that’s what has shocked/upset me the most. 

I’m not claiming to be perfect but this is seriously childish and out of pocket … 

[salparadise]

It seems completely irrational. How does this girl code work in her mind –– anyone she has ever dated or slept with is off limits to anyone else who considers her a friend? That could mean a lot of guys would be unavailable for you to date, given how fluid the hookup culture is. And what is the point –– does she supposedly have him tagged so that his options are limited to people she can't control?

I don't think you have done anything wrong. It has been the better part of a year since she's had any contact with him, so even if this girl code was an actual thing, surely there is some limit as to how far into the future it extends. She may get over it in time.

[squeakypoptart]

12 minutes ago, salparadise said:

It seems completely irrational. How does this girl code work in her mind –– anyone she has ever dated or slept with is off limits to anyone else who considers her a friend?

Exactly … it’s unreasonable to expect this of people. In my opinion, girl code doesn’t extend to hook-ups. 

Don’t get me wrong there’s certain code that I will abide by and agree with but some people’s idea of it just goes too far and enables them to believe that the world owes them everything. 

 

[Alpacalia]

This is one of those threads that calls for a picture. I really want to see this man. I imagine him smiling.

So here's the thing about dating friends past sexual partners: Is hooking up with the ex-fling worth damaging your friendship, possibly to the point of ending it? There are millions of single, attractive people out there who aren’t your friends ex fling. I know it doesn’t answer the question directly. But I think it depends on the parties involved and the circumstances if they would think of it as icky. 

With or without your input, your role in her world might be determined for you. 

She might not want you around at all ever again, and she'll probably stop coming to you for advice about her future relationships. To be honest, that might be for the best. 

I would also say she wasn't very honest with you when you first told her that you hooked up with him and that it didn't bother her. Clearly it did.

Edited February 25, 2023 by Alpacalia

[squeakypoptart]

3 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Is hooking up with the ex-fling worth damaging your friendship, possibly to the point of ending it?

Obviously nothing is worth damaging a friendship. I wouldn’t risk my friendship just for sex. Maybe you misunderstood but me and this guy actually built a friendship, a bond and are developing feelings for each other. 

But I understand. I am quite upset but maybe it’s for the best. I will try my best to make amends after I’ve given her space but I don’t want to make matters worse. 

[Alpacalia]

18 minutes ago, squeakypoptart said:

Maybe you misunderstood but me and this guy actually built a friendship, a bond and are developing feelings for each other. 

I was addressing in my reply the incident that you went clubbing got drunk and slept with him.

You're both independent and mature individuals who are currently unattached, and are free to pursue your own interests. It's reasonable to assume that he has been exploring other romantic and sexual connections. It's important to keep in mind that the only notable distinction between your friend and any other person he may have been involved with is simply the fact that she is a friend.

Edited February 25, 2023 by Alpacalia

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, squeakypoptart said:

 She went to the toilet, came back, and blocked me on every single social media platform there and then. She said she doesn’t want anything to do with me ever again and I’m dead to her.

I agree this reaction is a bit immature, egotistical and over the top. Let the dust settle, she'll have to get over herself.

Of course you don't need her approval or permission to date anyone and it's seems you were offering a heads up as a courtesy. 

It's possible you inadvertently discovered something about her character to reflect on.

[squeakypoptart]

11 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

I agree this reaction is a bit immature, egotistical and over the top.

At first I was very hurt by it. Especially when she said I was dead to her. It was quite the eye opener. I know I made the right choice by being honest. I could’ve easily hid it from her and lied.

Her reaction tells me that no matter how I approached the situation, she would’ve responded the same. It also tells me that maybe we’re better off not being friends if I can be dead to her over something like this …

 

 

[Alpacalia]

It's understandable that you may be hurt by your friend's reaction, but it's important to remember that everyone has their own boundaries and feelings about certain topics. It's good that you were honest with your friend after the fact, as honesty is an important foundation for any healthy relationship.

It's possible that your friend's reaction was a reflection of her own personal experiences or values, and it's important to respect her feelings even if you don't agree with them. It's also okay to recognize that this situation may have highlighted some differences in your friendship, and that it may be best to move on if you feel like you're not able to connect with each other in a positive way.

It's important to prioritize your own well-being and surround yourself with people who support and uplift you. You deserve to be in relationships where you feel valued and respected, and it's okay to let go of relationships that don't meet those standards.

[squeakypoptart]

2 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

It's understandable that you may be hurt by your friend's reaction, but it's important to remember that everyone has their own boundaries and feelings about certain topics.

Absolutely! I agree. Thank you for sharing your views and advice. I genuinely appreciate it.

[Lotsgoingon]

You know, friendships change over time. And many friendships die. Well this woman killed your friendship and for nothing.  

It was kind and thoughtful and honorable for you to talk to your friend about your growing interest in this guy. Vulnerable. Took courage.  Speaks volumes about you and your character and strength. And you didn’t procrastinate on having the awkward conversation. Dang, you are the woman!

Your buddy's reaction is the exact opposite. Petty, nasty, mean--frankly just mind-blowingly stupid and immature. She showed none of the strength of character that you showed. 

Bottom line: I'm not sure you lost a friend of the type that you would want to keep through a lifetime.  It's more likely you discovered that someone you thought of as a friend had a really fragile, immature side--a side that you were going to see at some point. 

There's a chance she'll send you an apology in a week. When she shares her story with other people, they will call her reaction nuts.  

Questions: how rattled are you? How bummed are you?

I ask only because you don't want the energy of hurt and feeling rattled to leak into your emerging relationship with this guy. There might be some leakage. Just be aware of it. Don't unconsciously trap yourself.

Don't sabotage things with the guy (in order to secretly punish yourself for losing your friend). Don't don't ignore red flags and fake your good feelings (in order to prove to yourself that the relationship with the guy was worth losing your friend). 

If it turns out you and guy can't create anything, no shame. That's not a failure. You had your own desires AND you thought about a possible negative effect on a friend and then acted on that concern. That’s a great combination that many of us struggle with—it will serve you well in the long run. You can be proud.