Heidig68 Posted February 20, 2023 Share Posted February 20, 2023 My bf and I have been together for 18 years. He has been separated from his wife sense 2002. He started a divorce (which he asked me to help with the paper work) I did all the paper work, his wife signed a joiner and agreed with everything all he had to do was file it. That was in 2016. In 2020 he was almost killed by a drunk driver. He was hit on his motorcycle. I cared for him for 2 1/2 years. I worked 3 jobs to try and make ends meet. Now 2023 he has finally recovered and started a new job. He makes very good money. I would like to get married. Marriage isn't just paper work like some people think. If there had been a decision to make whether to keep him on life support after his accident, I would not have been apart of that decision. Anything in his name whether we bought it together or not would not be mine. So my question is have I wasted almost 20 years of my life on someone that won't get a divorce. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted February 20, 2023 Share Posted February 20, 2023 Yes in my opinion you have. He obviously was holding on to hope that him and his ex will get back together. Why haven't you moved on to someone who wants to marry? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Heidig68 Posted February 20, 2023 Author Share Posted February 20, 2023 I turned 55 today at this point I will never marry. I'm not going to waste anymore time on another man. I don't want to date I don't have time or the patience for that. I would much rather be alone than go thru anymore heart ache. It is time to move on. I have told my kids to never waste time on anyone that doesn't have the time for you. Live life with no regrets...because time sneaks up on you and before you know it your 55 and have nothing to show for it. Don't end up like me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted February 20, 2023 Share Posted February 20, 2023 I really don't understand why you would spend 18 years on someone who's not even divorced yet, especially if you want marriage. Why??? Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 20, 2023 Share Posted February 20, 2023 (edited) 3 hours ago, Heidig68 said: I did all the paper work, his wife signed a joiner and agreed with everything all he had to do was file it. That was in 2016. If you are doing the paperwork for HIS divorce, I would say that you need to take a BIG step back. It’s not your place to do this. That said, all he had to do was file - and he couldn’t even do that??? Is this indicative of how he lives his life? Because if it is, I can’t imagine that he would be a good partner to you or anyone. Edited February 20, 2023 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted February 20, 2023 Share Posted February 20, 2023 2 hours ago, Heidig68 said: s...because time sneaks up on you and before you know it your 55 and have nothing to show for it. Don't end up like me. There's nothing wrong with you and you do have something to show for your time on this earth - your children. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted February 20, 2023 Share Posted February 20, 2023 Uh no, I don't think you have wasted 20 years. But you really want to be brutally honest about the future. This guy is past due to commit to you. Stop taking care of him. This is something worth learning and I know it's painful as heck. We do not fall in love with people or commit to them because they help us through crisis. That's just not how romance works. You want to stop trying to EARN and WIN his love through all your sacrifice. He sees you as a prize or not. A prize without all your sacrifice and heroics. That's how you want to date in the future. You save the heroic sacrifice stuff for after marriage, and after a good marriage! But I assumed you have learned a lot. So it's not a waste. But learn that sacrifice does not create commitment in the other person. Lots of sacrificers downplay their hardships, so they minimize what they do, which backfires as the receiver thinks that all that giving comes easy to you. You know what the research says? It says all your heroic sacrifices for him create commitment in the giver, in this case, YOU! Your future agenda: learn to receive, not just give. Most likely that will require practice on your part. But the practice will be worth it. I'm from a family where we were taught to be sacrificers and givers and I had to put in work to learn how to receive and to insist on receiving as much as I give. Link to post Share on other sites
JTSW Posted February 21, 2023 Share Posted February 21, 2023 It's been a hell of a long time and if he isn't divorced by now, he never will be. It's obvious he does not want to let go of his wife. I'm assuming she is the same because you haven't mentioned whether she has questioned him about why he hasn't filed. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted February 21, 2023 Share Posted February 21, 2023 (edited) 15 hours ago, Heidig68 said: Marriage isn't just paper work like some people think. someone that won't get a divorce. You're correct that marriage is a legally binding financial contract along with other obligations. Have you discussed this with him recently? Unfortunately he's been getting spousal benefits from you (acting like a wife) but you're not getting spousal benefits from him. You'll have to tell him he's on his own if he doesn't want to legalize your union. While ultimatums generally don't work, you do need to point out the reality of the situation to him. Edited February 21, 2023 by Wiseman2 Link to post Share on other sites
Will am I Posted February 23, 2023 Share Posted February 23, 2023 On 2/20/2023 at 7:51 PM, Heidig68 said: My bf and I have been together for 18 years. He has been separated from his wife sense 2002. He started a divorce (which he asked me to help with the paper work) I did all the paper work, his wife signed a joiner and agreed with everything all he had to do was file it. That was in 2016. Two things strike me in this. 1. Separation in 2002, file for divorce in 2016. Fourteen years before even filing. 2. I find it slightly broundary-crossing that he would ask his new partner to help him file his paperwork. It's his marriage he wanted out of, not yours. On 2/20/2023 at 7:51 PM, Heidig68 said: In 2020 he was almost killed by a drunk driver. He was hit on his motorcycle. I cared for him for 2 1/2 years. I worked 3 jobs to try and make ends meet. Now 2023 he has finally recovered and started a new job. He makes very good money. I would like to get married. If the divorce case was filed in 2016 it must have been final for years by now. Doesn't necessarily mean there can be no legal proceedings between your partner and his ex-wife, but the divorce itself is the verdict in the very first court case and that should probably date back to in 2016 or 2017. He should have his hands free to get married if he wanted to. The general picture is that of a man who either does not know what he wants, or lacks the deciciveness to make choices. Link to post Share on other sites
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