Erica_2 Posted February 20, 2023 Share Posted February 20, 2023 (edited) Hi, so I am feeling pretty annoyed and let down my so called friend. We have been friends for around 12 years. The last few years I’ve felt a drift, she hasn’t prioritised me and I’ve always felt over looked. I’m pretty easy going and not demanding like some of her other friends. She often won’t see me alone. It’s always in a group or with her cousin. If suggest meeting she’ll also suggest her cousin coming along. she broke up with her long term partner last year. I checked in with her often, sending texts to see how she was, I went around to hers when she invited me and her cousin around, and I gave her flowers. I’ve given her child presents and alway tried to help give advice during her break up. I last had a conversation with her in December, briefly we have exchanged birthday messages and happy Christmas texts. I have held back, not initiated a conversation as much and she hasn’t come looking for me. Recently I’ve noticed she isn’t liking my Facebook photos, she used to be the first one to like. Yet I can see her liking her sisters posts and then ignoring my new profile Picture or birthday meal with my partner post. it’s clear this is on purpose, but I won’t come running to her. I don’t know what to do. I feel livid that I’m getting the cold shoulder for nothing! has anyone experienced this or know how I should proceed? Deep down I love my friend but her lack of care for me is disrespectful and uncalled for. Edited February 20, 2023 by Erica_2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Erica_2 Posted February 20, 2023 Author Share Posted February 20, 2023 I would like some advice please, I want to ignore her posts as well. Childish yes, but I will not be some puppy dog running to her!!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted February 20, 2023 Share Posted February 20, 2023 Has she ever asked you for advice? You mentioned giving her advice on her breakup. A lot of people don’t want unsolicited advice. I noticed you wrote about someone from your post history. Is this the same person who talks badly and gossips about her friends? These things are upsetting and frustrating. Don’t text her or reach out anymore if she can’t be bothered to do the same for you. You don’t need her around. Hang out with other friends. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Erica_2 Posted February 20, 2023 Author Share Posted February 20, 2023 Yes she said out of the people she told about her break up, I was the most helpful. It was just more an ear to listen and make her feel better. No, this is a different friend. Sadly I loved this friend and this is how she turns out Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted February 20, 2023 Share Posted February 20, 2023 4 minutes ago, Erica_2 said: Sadly I loved this friend and this is how she turns out I’d leave her alone. Life is far too short to spend around people who don’t care enough about your well-being , are selfish or just self-absorbed. You both seem to have grown apart and she’s not much interested in your life. If you have mutual circles stay cordial and pleasant and polite. I wouldn’t bother seeing her feed(mute it or remove her feed) on social media. She might have done the same already for some people she doesn’t care to see on a regular basis. We outgrow friends sometimes and move through new phases. 12 years is a long time. She may not see eye to eye with you on a lot of things either. It was good of you to maintain the friendship but leave it alone as some things you need in a friendship are no longer reciprocal. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Erica_2 Posted February 20, 2023 Author Share Posted February 20, 2023 Thank you so much for helping me to see perspective on this. I guess I don’t want to be the one who cuts ties, I’ve done this to a former best friend and regretted it. I want to have tried with this friend, but I feel like I have and she is too self-absorbed with her own friends to care. Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted February 20, 2023 Share Posted February 20, 2023 7 minutes ago, Erica_2 said: Thank you so much for helping me to see perspective on this. I guess I don’t want to be the one who cuts ties, I’ve done this to a former best friend and regretted it. I want to have tried with this friend, but I feel like I have and she is too self-absorbed with her own friends to care. You don’t have to cut ties though? Can you clarify what you meant by that? Just drift off and see less of her updates. No need to reach out all the time if she doesn’t do the same. Be interested in friends who care about you. Put in effort in friendships that are giving back to you and are reciprocal (don’t be like her). 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Erica_2 Posted February 20, 2023 Author Share Posted February 20, 2023 I just meant, I don’t want to feel responsible for the demise of the friendship. Knowing I’m not bothering with her, I’ll know I’m to blame then too. I will be taking your advice, thank you Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted February 20, 2023 Share Posted February 20, 2023 Looking back at your history I see you've had nothing but problems with this friend or with other so called friends. Definitely let her go this time and look for a new group of friends. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Erica_2 Posted February 20, 2023 Author Share Posted February 20, 2023 Definitely, just when I thought I had my long term friends and good ones. I’m honestly so angered by this girl. Yes she has other closer friends, but why treat me like I’m not a priority or have value!? Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted February 20, 2023 Share Posted February 20, 2023 It seems that you probably put too much pressure on your friend, and probably others as well, and they feel that they need to have very strong boundaries with you. I understand that she's not there for you in a way that you need her to be. From her perspective, though, you seem to have some jealousy / possessive tendencies with this friend. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted February 20, 2023 Share Posted February 20, 2023 45 minutes ago, Erica_2 said: Definitely, just when I thought I had my long term friends and good ones. I’m honestly so angered by this girl. Yes she has other closer friends, but why treat me like I’m not a priority or have value!? Maybe you aren't a priority to her so pull back and leave her alone. If she isn't treating you as a priority it's doubtful she will care, so nor should you. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted February 20, 2023 Share Posted February 20, 2023 48 minutes ago, Erica_2 said: I’m honestly so angered by this girl. Yes she has other closer friends, but why treat me like I’m not a priority or have value!? You are wasting your energy being mad about this. A complete waste of time. If she is not making any effort to speak to you, to spend time with you, then she is simply not interested in being friends with you anymore. You can't make someone want to be friends with you. You can't make someone put effort into a friendship. You can sit there and be angry and outraged about this all you want but it won't change anything. There is nothing left to do here but accept reality that your friendship with this woman has run its course, leave her alone and move on. Just stop expecting anything from her. Don't reach out to her. Don't play a game in your head about whether she "likes" your facebook posts and whether you should "like" hers. This is all very petty and immature. Friendships often run their course, and it sounds like this one has. Just accept that and focus on other things, make new friends. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted February 20, 2023 Share Posted February 20, 2023 3 hours ago, Erica_2 said: Thank you so much for helping me to see perspective on this. I guess I don’t want to be the one who cuts ties, I’ve done this to a former best friend and regretted it. I want to have tried with this friend, but I feel like I have and she is too self-absorbed with her own friends to care. But this woman isn't a best friend nor does she seem to be acting like she wants to be one to you, so just leave her alone. Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted February 20, 2023 Share Posted February 20, 2023 Why do you think that you've had a lot of problems with various friends of yours over the years? It's really not common in adult friendships for this to happen. These relationships tend to ebb and flow; sometimes a person is always around and we share everything, then somebody gets busy or into a relationship and the contact eases up. Sometimes, the closeness will return; other times, it's always congenial but not so tight again. And sometimes people drift completely apart - only in certain cases to rejoin after many years! Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted February 20, 2023 Share Posted February 20, 2023 I suspect that she still does want to be your friend, but just not as close as you wish for it to be. Perhaps she'd enjoy a more casual friendship with no pressure to be in contact? It's OK if someone just wants to catch up every few months. With regards to her not responding to your FB posts, perhaps the algorithm has changed and she's not seeing some/all of your posts and this isn't a conscious decision on her part? Conversely, what does your FB feed look like? Could it be that she has unfollowed you because of what you post on your feed? For example, I tend to unfollow/limit posts from those who are politically shouty (even if I agree with them), same for those who share a lot of dubious content, those who frequently complain or do 'vaguebooking' (The kind of posts which show they are annoyed about something, but give no clue as to what it is). I would suggest check your feed and make sure it's not your posting style which is the problem. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JTSW Posted February 21, 2023 Share Posted February 21, 2023 (edited) I've noticed this seems to be an ongoing issue with multiple friends. I don't mean any offence OP, but you are too clingy. You complain she doesn't prioritise you, but her her priority will always be her child, not you. [ ] Edited February 21, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Civility Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted February 21, 2023 Share Posted February 21, 2023 23 hours ago, Erica_2 said: I just meant, I don’t want to feel responsible for the demise of the friendship. Knowing I’m not bothering with her, I’ll know I’m to blame then too. I will be taking your advice, thank you It can be upsetting, yes. But that’s okay too. People can drift away and find other friends. You both may not get along to begin with anymore or have little in common. If you have other friends you can turn to, spend time with them. Avoid any gossips or if people feel the need to talk about her. Enjoy your other friendships. Link to post Share on other sites
BlueberryPie Posted March 1, 2023 Share Posted March 1, 2023 I think friendships just tend to change over time. We all have limited time and energy and someone we felt a lot in common with a few years ago might just not fit with us very well now, for various reasons. Sometimes it changes back again with more time and other times it doesn't. I don't think someone is wrong or mean to back off or move on. We're all free agents. And I don't think a continuing close connection can be "earned" in any way, either. Even if someone gives us lovely gifts, offers favors, picks up the check, remembers to ask about our sick mother or whatever, that doesn't change anything. In fact, sometimes it can even feel manipulative or pushy if what the other person really wants is more space from us. (Not saying you did any of that btw). I'm sorry you got your feelings hurt though. It does hurt when someone distances themselves when it wouldn't be your choice. Link to post Share on other sites
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