Dumper ex wants to meet for closure

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, Lifegoeson12 said:

I miss, I miss the sense of security he gave me. Not financially but just how watching tv together etc he made me feel safe or when we cuddled in bed. I don’t live in a bad area he just made me feel safe.  

I miss those, I miss him to point. But I don’t long for him. But I’m also now seeing a side of him I don’t ever remember seeing before. I was told by my mom people’s true colours always show at the end.

I don’t know if I do want to get back together but I’d rather he said listen I’m not sure what I want but I’d love to meet you to talk and maybe come to an understanding of what didn’t work and see if we could make it work instead of saying I need closure and hitting all the buzz words in the process. 

I can understand this but remember his buzz words "we're not getting back together".  Seeing him and him telling you this will set you back.

[Lotsgoingon]

Agree with @Wiseman2. Some of that security feeling is an illusion. If you can separate missing from longing then you are indeed giving yourself your own security. And look, you sound really balanced and fair. There will be other guys. Just know some of that security is just brain illusion.

One breakup technique I've used. You might wanna consider it. You say you're seeing his real colors come out now. I'm gonna disagree and say no one is perfect in relationship. So let your mind be more critical of him. That will snap you out of the illusion. What didn't you like about the relationship? TV watching--you can get that with anybody. I do get how comfy close tv watching is when a relationship is humming along. For me it's movies. It's like you can reach a deep state of relaxation and chill while being connected to another person. But ... you can replace that.

 

 

Edited February 21, 2023 by Lotsgoingon

[Acacia98]

12 hours ago, Lifegoeson12 said:

Nope no sentimental or sad posts, just me out travelling with friends, working out and so on. I join a gym changed the colour of my hair and got a new wardrobe. I didn’t post anything say.

when we where in the process of breaking up I asked him could I w meet and see if we could sort things out but he didn’t want too but that’s the last time I ever asked to meet or showed any interest in being with him.

I don’t plan on meeting him so that’ll be my revenge let that hurt his ego and show him he can’t click his fingers and expect me to come running but I still don’t understand why now, why wait 3 months 

Good for you, OP.

I suspect it took him three months to reach out because he was previously in a full-fledged relationship/affair and it has finally run out of steam. Or maybe he's run out of other women to pursue. Alternatively, maybe he reckons you've had long enough to miss him so much that you will be receptive to whatever he suggests without making demands.

Whatever the reasons, I can assure you they have to do with meeting his selfish needs.

[Lifegoeson12]

On 2/21/2023 at 3:09 PM, Lotsgoingon said:

Agree with @Wiseman2. Some of that security feeling is an illusion. If you can separate missing from longing then you are indeed giving yourself your own security. And look, you sound really balanced and fair. There will be other guys. Just know some of that security is just brain illusion.

One breakup technique I've used. You might wanna consider it. You say you're seeing his real colors come out now. I'm gonna disagree and say no one is perfect in relationship. So let your mind be more critical of him. That will snap you out of the illusion. What didn't you like about the relationship? TV watching--you can get that with anybody. I do get how comfy close tv watching is when a relationship is humming along. For me it's movies. It's like you can reach a deep state of relaxation and chill while being connected to another person. But ... you can replace that.

 

 

I think I have to a point, that’s why I’m hesitant to not meet him. Something feels off and I don’t know why. He was never abusive or anything like that but I get a pit in my stomach when I think about meeting him. 
 

it’s funny because before he cheated my body kept telling me something was off, I’d ask him multiple times is everything ok, are you ok etc is there anything I can do to help and so on and all I would get back is yes I’m great. But my body told me otherwise that something was off and I feel like if I meet him now he’ll say some more hurtful stuff and I don’t want that given how the hurtful stuff he said towards the end of the relationship left a mark on me. 
 

I feel like he’s trying to get back at me now for not meeting him when he asked about 2 months ago I explained it wouldn’t be a good idea to meet and that the relationship is over and there was nothing else to talk about.

I agree with what’s being said here that maybe he’s feeling guilty for how he treated me towards the end and is hoping if he sees me happy it will rid the guilt, I’m not responsible for him or his feelings he never took mine into consideration.

I honestly just don’t get why now, why wait all this time. If I felt like I wronged someone I’d want to correct it as soon as possible. maybe the posts above were right, maybe he was with someone and it either didn’t work out or it’s not going well.  

as one of the posters said he made his bed so he can lie in it. Especially given the message was full of arrogance and very presumptive. I would bet money on it he’s hoping I’ll beg to meet him. But I won’t. 
 

I really never saw this side to him when we were together. But it also makes me wonder, I always had an inclination he was a narcissist. He would flat out deny stuff that he said to me that I know 100% he said, or would turn things around. If he done something wrong and I called him up on it he would say I was too sensitive. 
 

or one of the biggest things he ever said that sounded the alarm bells was when we where getting into the car and he turned to me and said you know how you [mess] with peoples minds, give them a compliment but say no offence at the end. So something like, that dinner was delicious no offence

Edited February 27, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Acacia98]

1 hour ago, Lifegoeson12 said:

If I felt like I wronged someone I’d want to correct it as soon as possible. 

That makes sense. And I also imagine that if you'd wronged someone, you wouldn't go out of your way to reach out to them periodically because you wouldn't want to keep reminding them of the hurt you'd subjected them to.

And that's the difference between a self-centered person and a person who empathizes with others and prioritizes their feelings. 

This guy genuinely doesn't seem to have thought about how his actions might affect you. Or if he has thought about it, he doesn't care. You and your feelings are just not a priority to him.

Edited February 21, 2023 by Acacia98

[Lifegoeson12]

Just thought I’d come on and give an update,

Never met him or got back to him after he cancelled. I think looking back now it was a total [ ] and he wanted to get a reaction out of me. 
 

I am glad I didn’t meet him, but it did mess with me a little for a few days as I thought oh what it he wanted to get back but looking at the messages again and the fact when he said ‘ Do what you want with that’ about meeting I saw how nasty that came across. 
 

I’m not sure if he was trying to get a response from me to make me angry, I’m pretty proud as throughout the entire break up I kept it cool, never name called or anything like that and he lost his sh*t even though he cheated got caught and then broke up with me via text I still stayed calm. 
 

I didn’t block his second account straight away as I said I’d leave it open for a few days to see if he comes back with an even half decent apology but he didn’t I did notice on the page from looking at it he posted a photo of him having drinks with someone, presumably another girl. That’s when I realised he was playing games. Especially given he was stalking my instagram stories. 
 

But I’ve blocked the other account since. 
I really do think he’s someone who doesn’t know that they want. He wants to meet then cancels, ok so. But then continues to stalk my socials. He cant anymore now. 
 

I’ve come to the assumption he’s either a narcissist, a total player or just an a-hole. 
 

He’s 33 and I was his first long relationship so looking back I think he might’ve been a player and when he saw the relationship progressing to more than he wanted his player instincts kicked in again. 

Edited February 27, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[ChatroomHero]

What it sounds like to me is maybe he wanted an ego boost. It sounds like you rejected most of his attempts to contact or respond to him. He knew how much you were into him and it was an ego stroke. When he broke up with you and you didn't fall apart and flood him with texts or want to meet up with him, it was a shot to his ego. Like he was expecting you to be hurt but you didn't show him that, so he has to wonder if he wasn't your everything like he thought.

His attempts to reach out then say it was better not to meet were passive aggressive to get a response, first with asking to meet then when you ignored it, saying he didn't want to meet. He was trying to get an emotional response to see if you still cared. He's twisting because you are not giving him the response he expected and it's a shot to his ego. If you met with him it would satisfy his ego that he is still important to you. If you don't meet, he is wondering how you moved on quickly. It's all for him, not about closure. 

You can probably imagine if someone was really into you and you broke up with them and their response was like, "Ok. take care!", you'd be twisting over it. I think you are doing right to block and ignore and send the message he no longer means anything to you.

[spiderowl]

I think he’s probably feeling guilt about the way he ended things and thinks it wasn’t his finest hour. But, he’s all over the place - claiming to want to meet to give you closure when (I assume) you haven’t asked for that recently. 

He has said UP FRONT that you two shouldn’t get back together again, so as he’s mixed up but apparently certain about that one thing, do you really want to risk it? It sounds like you are doing well now and you could just be re-entering a hellhole of negativity if you meet him.

I would just tell him the split was closure and you don’t want to go there again.  

[Lifegoeson12]

On 2/28/2023 at 6:26 AM, spiderowl said:

I think he’s probably feeling guilt about the way he ended things and thinks it wasn’t his finest hour. But, he’s all over the place - claiming to want to meet to give you closure when (I assume) you haven’t asked for that recently. 

He has said UP FRONT that you two shouldn’t get back together again, so as he’s mixed up but apparently certain about that one thing, do you really want to risk it? It sounds like you are doing well now and you could just be re-entering a hellhole of negativity if you meet him.

I would just tell him the split was closure and you don’t want to go there again.  

I’ve no idea what’s going on in his head, I was really pissed that he assumed I was waiting around for closure. I don’t believe in closure, closure to me was him getting caught cheating, then turning it around saying he was only doing it for me, even when I asked to meet and discuss things though at the time of the breakup he wouldn’t. He was despicable, he literally said he was testing the waters to see what was out there. It’s disgusting! He was finding my replacement before he even broke up. 
 

and he broke up via text that’s even more disgusting! He didn’t take my feelings into account at all when he cheated, blamed me for cheating and tried to hurt me and my confidence at the break up, he didn’t care so I made closure for myself and that’s why I don’t feel the need to meet him why would I want to meet someone who said they loved you etc and then turn on you when they get caught in the act. 
 

I texted him once after the break up to say Happy Birthday. - I wanted to show him I wasn’t angry and leave things on a pleasant note, I didn’t have too but thought it would break the ice and leave on a pleasant note. 

I literally said happy birthday I hope you have a wonderful year and get to enjoy all the travel you have planned, all my best, J. 

he then launched into another tirade about we need closure ect I didn’t ask how he was or to meet etc. just a simple bday wish no bad motives other than to just say happy birthday and leave it at that. 

[SoulOfOne]

I think you did the right thing. You will be much better off. And yes, how dare he think YOU needed closure. He can twist and turn not being able to see what you are up to.

The best revenge..a life lived well.