Can anyone provide any practical ad-vice for a guy in my situation to find a girlfriend.

[1D9G8C6]

Hello everyone I am Derek, age 37 this Feb 14. I am asking for serious help as I've no where else to go.  I suffer from chronic loneliness & isolation, have autism, no friends, life, job, considered disabled, severe learning disorder, anti lgbq, virgin but have a good sence of humor, personality, love traveling, exploring, hiking, outdoors, events,, love life, love loud music good food, mardi gras, dining out, believer is paying for everything- food, gas, and believer in doing real life versions of romantic things found in Disney movies.

 

I have tried match, POF, bumble, Tinder, Eharmony, Ok Cupid, Coffee meets bagel, match, hiki and was rejected on everyone after spending years on them, I've no transportation to anywhere, no supportive family and no friends of any kind as stated above. I just don't want to die alone, my mother is slowly dying as well, her dream is to see me find someone and I'm starting to fear i will fail her.  After searching all of my life, I an losing hope. How can I find someone, please help ms.

[NuevoYorko]

My first suggestion is for you to force yourself to get into some kind of group(s), whether Meetup or otherwise, that cater to some interests you have.  There are very active hiking groups everywhere.  You will be able to find groups centered on food and / or music easily.   

I understand this is not what you are looking for but it's very rare to jump from complete social isolation into a successful romantic relationship.  You need to start interacting with people regularly.  

[mark clemson]

I will be honest and say that from everything you describe, I suspect there is little there to attract a women. I am not trying to be mean - it is unfortunate, but seems to be your situation (as you yourself seem to be conceding).

Something you could attempt to do would be to read the chapters on female attraction in "A Billion Wicked Thoughts" and see what, if anything, from there you can put into practice. However, this is easier said than done. You could at least try it and see if it helps.

[1D9G8C6]

2 hours ago, mark clemson said:

I will be honest and say that from everything you describe, I suspect there is little there to attract a women. I am not trying to be mean - it is unfortunate, but seems to be your situation (as you yourself seem to be conceding).

Something you could attempt to do would be to read the chapters on female attraction in "A Billion Wicked Thoughts" and see what, if anything, from there you can put into practice. However, this is easier said than done. You could at least try it and see if it helps.

I could read whatever that is, but 8f it required me to make any changes that require resources I have no access to than there is nothing i can do. I am a heavy believer in proficiency, if i determine that I will never have anyone, than I will just take all my pills and put my self dow n like a rabid dog. Life is as worthless to me as a soft rotten pare if i have no one to share it with. "Life isn't worth the price of admission if there's no one to enjoy it with" At this point if 8t was possible, if give my soul willingly to lucifer if he's give me a girlfriend even if said he'd kill me a month later. I just want to feel wanted, loved, if this world can't even offer that, then living in this world is not worth it and just proves that god, and l9ve no longer exist in the world

[mark clemson]

It's very unfortunate you feel that way. There are actually folks who are perfectly happy on their own, but not everyone is that way. There IS more to life than a relationship, though.

Suicidal ideation is a bit beyond what can address in this forum. However if you start to feel very down you could consider contacting a suicide hotline for help.

 

[6ix]

Suicide hotlines:

• ⁠United States: 1-800-273-8255

• ⁠United Kingdom: 116 123

• ⁠Canada: 1 800 456 4566

• ⁠Ireland: 116 123

• ⁠Philippines: 2919

• ⁠Australia: 131 114

• ⁠France: 01 45 39 40 00

Full lists: 

http://www.suicide.org/international-suicide-hotlines.html

Edited February 15, 2023 by 6ix

[justwhoiam]

On 2/12/2023 at 8:36 PM, 1D9G8C6 said:

I suffer from chronic loneliness & isolation

Hi Derek,

As the one above is the first problem you mentioned, please consider taking a free course to improve how you feel and about well-being:

https://www.coursera.org/learn/the-science-of-well-being

This course is held by Yale and it's starting today, so it's a great opportunity for you to do something interesting, helpful and engaging you in some activity.

I would also recommend removing the name of the road where you live in your profile here, as that's too much information for this website or any website. Be careful about the personal information you share online.

Quote

have autism, no friends, life, job, considered disabled, severe learning disorder, anti lgbq, virgin

Ok. That's a lot to deal with when you meet someone for the first time. It's a lot to process, and I'm not sure if you're giving that away in your bio/profile online, on apps, or even when you get to meet someone face to face. Do you ever get to meet face to face/go out on dates?

I think you should let people in before giving out such details. They need to start to get to know you for who you are first.

But please remember that being ready for a relationship or for love also means being ready for a breakup. Because relationships can start and then end. And you need to be prepared to face a breakup too, should that happen.

You also wrote:

"have a good sense of humor, personality, love traveling, exploring, hiking, outdoors, events, love life, love loud music good food, mardi gras, dining out"

All of these are good traits you need to take advantage of. Do you have any favorite comedian? Do you like watching comedy? What cities/states/countries have you visited so far? Do you have a favorite place you love going to?

Further on, you wrote:

"I have tried match, POF, bumble, Tinder, Eharmony, Ok Cupid, Coffee meets bagel, match, hiki and was rejected on everyone"

Again, do not put all the negatives in your profile, that will keep women away. If you get to meet them in person, on a date, try to highlight your best traits not the negatives. You'll of course be asked about your job and what you do all day, so you need to come up with answers that are interesting and make sense. If you say you don't do anything all day and you don't work, that will hardly attract women. You don't have to lie, just be wise with your answers. For example, you could say you have assets or income and don't need to work, so you have time to spend on gardening, hiking, other pleasant activities, and you'd love to start a family as you'd be able to devote time to that too.

As a first step, remove all your profiles from the above apps. Never sound too desperate to meet any woman, that is giving bad vibes and they will steer clear. Open an account on "Christian Mingle", it's an app for Christians who will share your values. Be ready to go beyond your comfort zone. Maybe the woman for you is not in Louisiana. Would you be ready to move? Would you be ready to leave your mom behind? I know it'd be probably hard for you as she's getting old and needs you. But we are talking about taking care of your life now. She took care of hers. Now it's time to start your own life. You shouldn't live in anyone's shadow. Before going public with your profile there, send me a private message with what you're going to write there, item by item. I can also help you with vetting the pictures, as some might not be good. Putting up a good profile will up your chances.

Finally, you wrote: "I've no transportation to anywhere", is it because you're unable to get a driving license? Would you have enough money to buy a used car? You need to understand that after the initial meetup, dating a woman might include picking her up at night to go out for dinner, or to the movies, etc. So never tell a woman you have no transportation. As a man, you should be a provider. Get the Uber app, and if you can't drive, pick her up with an Uber and take care of the cost. You'll show her that you can take care of things. That's important. And it's a way to also show you care about her and want her to have a good experience with you.

Last but not least, you wrote: "I just don't want to die alone". NEVER share that bit of information with a woman you're getting to know. It will sound like you want to get with some woman, no matter who, regardless of who she is, as you just need one. And that would rarely fly with any of them. Always highlight the positives such as "I'd love a steady relationship", "I'm ready to start a family", "I'd love to settle down", "I feel I have lots of love to give and I'm looking forward to start giving it to a special woman", etc. You could say you're a virgin, but again do not be too negative about your past dating experience. Never say "I never dated anyone", be more vague. You can say "I was on a couple of other apps before, but nothing good came out of it".

The advice you were given so far about getting involved with some group is good. Please also check out volunteering for some association, that would make you socialize with people, you'd get to know many new people and you'd spend your time doing something good in your community.

You could try asking how you can help here:

https://www.volunteerascension.org/

and here:

https://animalrecovery.org (if you love pets)

And make sure your home is ready to welcome a guest. That means cleaning up, getting rid of any trash, having a nice smell and not reeking of mold. So devote time to that or have someone helping you with that. Some homes look like they are managed by hoarders, and you don't want to be one of them. Women would run away, and you'd ruin your chances of a relationship.

Edited February 16, 2023 by justwhoiam

[Els]

I... don't really understand how someone can state "anti LGBTQ" as their "disadvantage"? Like... it's entirely your decision as to whether you are supportive of LGBTQ or not. If you realise that it's a bad thing to be anti LGBTQ, you can just change your stance. It's entirely within your power...

[Foxhall]

Personally as an extremely shy type, the first thing Id say is that all is not lost, there is someone out there for everyone,

I dont know perhaps they would call me autistic nowadays if I were to transport back to childhood in the 1980s,

I suppose what worked for me,

I accepted my limitations such as I was never or will never be able to walk into a crowded room and charm the ladies. However operating quietly in the shadows for want of a better word I developed an ability to be able to hold conversations well with women in one on one situations,

spending some time researching conversation starters and having things to say is a starting point- even if it does appear contrived-it is better than having no plan. You appear to have varied interests there which is all positive.

About ten years ago in my early 30s, I started going for regular massages, I found an unlikely friendship with a beautiful young masseuse who became my dating advisor. She showed me the ropes and with practice suddenly I went on dates  knowing I was still up against it but that at the same time I now had a chance.

Its really about growing confidence, holding conversations learning to flirt and so on which all improves with practice,

Id agree with the others there- the first thing you should do is to join a group and get socialising to a certain extent,

even finding one male friend would be a help,

Then perhaps find something you like to do and explore it- I was fortunate probably meeting that person through the massage but whatever the outlet there can be unexpected meeting chances that arise without expecting.

the online scene is difficult but on the plus side it does give you those one on one opportunities. look out for someone a bit quirky rather than very mainstream with the online.

 

 

 

 

[justwhoiam]

On 2/19/2023 at 3:26 PM, Foxhall said:

someone a bit quirky rather than very mainstream with the online.

What do you mean by "someone a bit quirky"? and what is someone "very mainstream with the online"? Like a serial dater?

[Foxhall]

I suppose what I mean is that he has to search for an online profile which suggests the girl may be a bit of an oddball or lacking confidence to an extent,

No insult intended to this poster but lets face it at this juncture he has little chance with a modern "cool" young woman,

Ive been there myself had all these struggles so I dont mean it as a put down,

women who came from less affluent backgrounds, milder dispositions and so on was what worked for me, so that would be the aim,

there is a poster  who gives good advice here - he listed all various places where he met women-just striking up conversations in random places,

the hope is that somewhere along the line you bump into someone who is a bit low in confidence or whatever and you have common ground.

probably have to take a long term view,

this year work on holding conversations and making a friend or two,

next year socialising more- working towards asking someone out on a date.