teethbrushes Posted November 4, 2005 Posted November 4, 2005 I've decided something through going through these boards. I'm addicted to advice. I need validation. I need someone to tell me that my ex cared about me and does still care about me in his own way and that the time I spent with him meant something to him. But that's not what I got here. Instead, people analyzed the situation behaviorally, which would give someone good reason to believe my ex is a sociopath. But, the problem with trying to get advice from strangers on the internet is this: they don't know you. they don't know your ex. In fact, even if you and your ex had a best friend mutually, I am sure they could give more sound advice and a better perspective of the issue, but that doesn't mean much. they weren't in the relationship, only you know. I've learned that people don't have switches that they turn on and off. Most people do not date someone and have a significant relationship with them and see them again and not have any sort of feelings. Its not possible. Upon rediscovering each other, you may find out you aren't even good for each other, but on the surface, that's near impossible. Reading through this board made me mad at my ex. How in the hell could he be like this? How could he not care? Why isn't he calling me back the ONE time I go out of my way to make a call? I get told its because he doesn't care on this board. I get angry and hostile towards my ex and want to ignore him completely now. How dare he? I want to tell him "eff you!" for ruining everything. But at the end of the day, from knowing him, I know his feelings don't turn off like a light bulb. From history with someone, YOU are the expert on that person. I can recognize other guys I've liked who haven't been interested in me, and who haven't really cared. I get it. I accept that because I know them like that. Only your heart can tell you what you feel is right, and I think its the best guide. I found that my ex wasn't unwilling to talk because he hated me, but because he was scared and was protecting his own emotions. Seeing me everyday wasn't easy for him either. People on this board just told me to "move on". And I don't understand what that even means. Move on? To what? How do you know when you're moved on? When you don't care about someone you once loved? Is apathy really the goal? If that's the goal, I don't want it. I shared a significant experience with my ex and I don't ever want to discount that or him or that he was special to me. Am I interested in other guys? Yes. Am I dating other guys? You bet. Is it hard? Of course....but it doesn't mean my ex and I don't care about each other at all. I think sometimes, while these boards are helpful, are somewhat of a problem for people like me. i think its hard to judge a situation if you have no idea about the people. besides, people are so colored by their own experiences that they can't see past tht into yours which really affects how they tell you what to do. So the point is, listen to your heart. I think deep down in your heart you KNOW the answer to the question you're asking...just be quiet enough to listen.
westernxer Posted November 4, 2005 Posted November 4, 2005 You're right... we are somewhat limited on these boards, but that's just the way it is. However, this doesn't mean people are wrong, just because their assessment contradicts your feelings. Experience speaks volumes, and most people are smart enough to recognize that patterns repeat themselves in almost every relationship. Yours is no different. Listen to your heart all you want, but you also have to use your head. These boards are great because they require logic instead of emotion. When you're emotional, you can't make wise decisions. This may also make you defensive because. No one knows if your ex still cares about you. However, I doubt you'd be speculating if you were absolutely positive that he did. As far as love is concerned, all that matters is the present. The past is dead. I get the impression you don't want to move on.
confused696969 Posted November 4, 2005 Posted November 4, 2005 excellent post.........wow, i have kinda been thinking the same thing, but reading a lot on here over the last week or two has helped me a lot, and i do think you need logic over emotions to make wise decisions like what west said. But u are absolutly correct teeth, only your heart knows what u want. I have also been worried that all this "move on" talk and "she obviously doesnt care about you" talk, and its all been playing with my head, i know what my heart wants and maby she will thinking and being the same way as your ex, shes maby scared and protecting her own emotions. Im in no contact mode right now, and i even told her to not bother calling me or talking to me unless she is ready to come back and work on things, and now u've given me a little hope that maby she is too scared or cant swaller her pride to ask to come back and work on things. But no one knows anything until you actually do it........if u wanna talk to your ex, DO IT, if u wanna tell them what you feel....DO IT.......if u wanna go out with that person.....DO IT.....ect, ect, ect. You never know until you try.
wx3 Posted November 4, 2005 Posted November 4, 2005 I read a quote before in someones profile.. i think LB's.. it said "Advice is something you seek when you already know the answer but you're too afraid to admit it" I probably destroyed that, but yeah, thats the jist of it... In my experience, I'd say that all the advice I got was not what I wanted to hear, but in all reality, I knew I had to take their advice to "forget" and "move on"... Your heart bases on emotion and feeling -- your brain bases on rationality... I say, listen to your BRAIN
Author teethbrushes Posted November 5, 2005 Author Posted November 5, 2005 I get the impression you don't want to move on. what is moved on? That's what I don't understand. I know he still cares about me as a person, I'm not even talking romantically. I don't want to be with him romantically, but I don't want to discount him from my life as someone I shared something special with. That's not how I roll!
jadedalways645 Posted November 5, 2005 Posted November 5, 2005 Yes, we don't know the whole story and we are not doctors. This is just a place for you to talk about your problems anonomously and get people's feedback. It is always best to get a lot of feedback on a problem before you make a decision. We just present the information and you make the final decision. I've gotten good advice here, and I've gotten bad advice. Deep down inside you know what advice is good or bad. Moving on means just that. It means to learn from the experience, try not to dwell on it, and find someone new or find a new activity that will take your mind off of your problems. Remember there is only two things in this world no one can take away from you. Education and Experience.
In Sync Posted November 5, 2005 Posted November 5, 2005 teethbrushes Your post actually is proof of the variety of insight given on these boards. Each person has gone through an individual and very personal experience. Some are fortunate to still be in relationships with ex's they can communicate with and it's a relatively healthy break-up and others can run the gamut and it's a destructive break-up which has deeply effected the self-esteem. This board and these threads are like having other insights into an already confusing and difficult period for the hurt individual. Listening to my heart (and believe me) the heart can lead one to do self destructive behavior. At least before reacting I can come here write what is going on and get an objective opinion that's not emotionally attached to my experience. Not all people are able to deal objectively with their relationships. God bless those of you who have the kind of bf/gf where there's none of that drama if that realtionship ever ends. Moving On has come to mean to me: learning to cope and live with the idea that a significant relationship that has ended for me- a relationship my psyche clung to- and know that I can get past that attachment and keep going. My life did not stop with that relationship. That was difficult to see when I was just listening to my heart alone.
westernxer Posted November 5, 2005 Posted November 5, 2005 I don't want to be with him romantically, but I don't want to discount him from my life as someone I shared something special with. That doesn't mean anything. It's over.
brittanyjean259 Posted November 5, 2005 Posted November 5, 2005 how can any one move on from the past? when that past was the most important thing to you in life...and moving on just gives you the worst ach ever....exactly moving on to what?....i have friends , family....but nothing changes the past.......its scary as crap.....especially when you know you have to.....and the other person has.......
In Sync Posted November 5, 2005 Posted November 5, 2005 brittanyjean259 how can any one move on from the past? when that past was the most important thing to you in life I don't undersatand this statement. Of course you don't forget the past..but each and everyday despite the past you are a continuation. You are having new experiences and though the past and its memories are still with you, you are always moving on. But you are in coexistence with your memories. How you chose to live with those memories in angst or in harmony is the path we travel on. I know that I am going through a hell of a time with my memories of my past relationships. Sometimes I cry or get anger or find it completely impossible to let go. But I still go on the next day. Much to my own amazement. Also who says that it shouldn't feel scary to move on? It's not a painless process. But it hasn't killed me either. I am willing to bet that this time next year no matter how we are feeling now, this exact moment, we won't have the same feelings about the relationship you had with an ex. It will evolve to a new level. P.S. Hey westernxer whenever I have felt sad or started feeling self-pity, I appreciate your direct to point no sugar coating it advise. Then I laugh at myself. thanx.
brittanyjean259 Posted November 5, 2005 Posted November 5, 2005 your right, and hopefuly i can look back at these memories and smile at them...but it is so painful that i just hope it makes me stronger in the end...i guess its better to take reality than false hope....witch can save you future pain as well... this is the first time in my life where i will have to move on, from memories that haunt me...so its not easy, i pray that everything gets better for everyone and my self
Recommended Posts