Thoughts on This?

[ericw899]

So I Just got out of a 9 month relationship. So naturally I've been feeling sad and lonely. I wound up reaching out to a female friend of mine from childhood, since I don't have many females to talk to so I wanted some advice and she has a lot of relationship experience so I figured she could help. I Haven't talked to this friend in over a year, but honestly she is someone I've always found attractive and have always had a bit of a crush on. I don't know if she sees me in that way but about 3 years ago when we went out drinking for my birthday we wound up making out so we do have a small bit of history.

Fast forward to the other day, I messaged her about my breakup and explained what I was going through and how I was feeling. She was responding rather quickly offering a lot of great advice and being very friendly and outgoing in her responses. She even went as far to say that she would be willing to accompany me as a +1 to any events that I needed a "date" and she even said that she has a lot of PTO to use and is willing to take off work to do something with me. I told her I appreciate it and I said in the meantime how about we go out for a bite to eat & drinks this weekend to catch up. She said she would like to but her work schedule is a bit crazy and said the weekend isn't usually good for her, but she offered up that Monday & Tuesdays she is usually free if that works for me. She even again mentioned the PTO and that she will take off to go out with me but she needs to give 2 weeks notice, if I couldn't do a Monday or Tuesday.

So I message her back and say that I'm actually off this monday, if she wants to do something & I even followed up with another question, but now all of a sudden I have not heard back from her. This was on Wednesday and now it's Saturday. This was on Facebook so it shows she has been active but did not open my last message so now I'm a bit confused. So what do you all think of this? Was she just trying to be friendly to cheer me up but didn't really have any intention of seeing me? Is she actually interested in me as something more than a friend? Did I scare her off by asking if she wanted food and drinks and to catch up? Also what should I do? Can I send a text tomorrow and say "Hey blank, I know you said youre off Monday, so would you like to grab lunch?" I just want to hear some thoughts on this and know if I should pursue further or just leave it alone. I will say going back to childhood she has been known to be a bit flaky but I don't want to miss out if there is an opportunity for something, whether it be a friendship, date, or even something further. Thanks for the help!

Edited February 11, 2023 by ericw899

[ccas93]

1 hour ago, ericw899 said:

but I don't want to miss out if there is an opportunity for something, whether it be a friendship, date, or even something further. Thanks for the help!

I mean the ball's in her court, you've already put yourself in a position to not "miss out", and you're more likely to miss out if you overdo it and keep sending follow up messages. at this point, if she replies then great, if not, then keep the search going. You can't force her to respond. Maybe she decided she doesn't actually want to be your rebound. 

[Alpacalia]

How about calling some male friends? In the aftermath of ending my seven-year relationship, do you know what I did with myself? I went out with female friends. 

Not the best idea to turn to someone that you want to potentially date that you've been friends with from childhood as a shoulder for your dating woes.

As for what you can do, you can try reaching out to her again tomorrow and see if she responds. Take it as a positive sign and continue the conversation. If she doesn't, respect her space and don't push the issue. If you're friends with her, you can still enjoy each other's company, but don't get too cozy. I feel she really just wants to be supportive given your history.

Edited February 12, 2023 by Alpacalia

[Lotsgoingon]

Dude, she got your message. It didn't disappear in the ether. She didn't suddenly lose her sight. 

Sounds to me like she caught herself. Offering to emotionally take care of you was self-destructive on her part, so unfair to her. There is nothing in that for her--nothing good. You're trying to use her like a trash can for your pain. 

It's not her job to  be there for you. And she likely just caught herself and came to her senses. She sounds really nice, and lots of nice people make offers and then later their brain turns on and they realize, "hey, this is unfair to me." It's NEVER good to comfort someone you have even the slightest romantic interest in. 

Are you offering to take care of her and her messy pain? We all got pain.

You need to call on friends and family for consolation, not someone who you had some flirty energy with. What's more, you're not ready for a new relationship. You're just trying to distract yourself from the pain of your breakup. So she can't trust your interest and shouldn't trust your interest in her. 

So yes, she's ignoring your message because she came to her senses. There is nothing in it for her to see you now. 

[ExpatInItaly]

I wouldn't write her again. 

It sounds like one of those things that she got caught up with in the moment but had second thoughts the more she reflected on it. I would try to find other friends to lean on, ones you have no romantic history of any kind with. Don't count on this one being there for you. 

[glows]

You mentioned her being flaky since childhood. Is this scatterbrained and communicates poorly or willfully ignorant (deliberately rude and inconsiderate)? Something tells me it’s more scatterbrained and poor communication otherwise you wouldn’t have remained friends with this person for this long. 

I read your post and then went back to reread the words a second time. She said her schedule is crazy and she is usually off on Mon and Tues. If she is scatterbrained I would ask her again as it’s possible when you asked her to hang out she hadn’t had her schedule for the following week confirmed. I don’t know what kind of work she does but it sounds like shift work which can be unpredictable. 

 

[MsJayne]

She thought about it and realised you were looking for a rebound girl. She's turned the job down.  

[Wiseman2]

11 hours ago, ericw899 said:

 I message her back and say that I'm actually off this monday, if she wants to do something . I have not heard back from her. 

The ball is in her court now so see if she responds. Keep in mind you contacted her as a friend to chat about relationship problems so she may not feel that obligated to RSVP ASAP.

[ShyViolet]

Not replying to a message is a clear message that someone is not interested.  She probably had second thoughts and decided that she doesn't want to actually meet up with you.