glows Posted March 10, 2023 Posted March 10, 2023 Give the dating apps a rest then if they’re disappointing. I think what you’re looking for is compatibility and mutual interest. That can take time to develop and dating apps can be forced or people skip a lot of steps and end up attached too fast. Whatever it is there are some great points already from NY about not being overly invested. You seem genuinely caring and open.
Weezy1973 Posted March 10, 2023 Posted March 10, 2023 6 hours ago, chickendinner12 said: . The only attention I get is on hook up sites, which obviously attract people who aren't looking for relationships, but on the supposedly legit dating apps like Hinge, Bumble etc., I get zero matches or attention. If your only criteria for selecting a guy is someone “you can stand to look at”, I’m guessing you’re picking men that are out of your league looks wise. Men are much pickier about women they’ll get into a relationship with vs women they’ll hook up with. If you’re average looking but only swiping right on guys that are above average looking, you’ll very much get the phenomenon of the only men that are interested are ones that want hook ups. And if the only criteria you’re selecting on is looks, that would make sense.
Author chickendinner12 Posted March 10, 2023 Author Posted March 10, 2023 (edited) 1 minute ago, Weezy1973 said: If your only criteria for selecting a guy is someone “you can stand to look at”, I’m guessing you’re picking men that are out of your league looks wise. Men are much pickier about women they’ll get into a relationship with vs women they’ll hook up with. If you’re average looking but only swiping right on guys that are above average looking, you’ll very much get the phenomenon of the only men that are interested are ones that want hook ups. And if the only criteria you’re selecting on is looks, that would make sense. "It's because you're ugly." Thanks? Edited March 10, 2023 by chickendinner12
Weezy1973 Posted March 10, 2023 Posted March 10, 2023 Just now, chickendinner12 said: "It's because you're ugly." Thanks? Not what I said. You could be good looking - but if you’re choosing men that are better looking you’ll encounter what you’ve been encountering.
basil67 Posted March 10, 2023 Posted March 10, 2023 30 minutes ago, chickendinner12 said: @basil67 I used to be a pretty positive person, I used to feel upbeat and enthusiastic about meeting new people, but so many negative experiences have left me feeling bitter. The people I've been meeting suck, and that's why I don't feel good. The second half of my post was trying to find out why you’re having such a hard time of it. Would you care to answer the questions?
Author chickendinner12 Posted March 10, 2023 Author Posted March 10, 2023 (edited) 2 minutes ago, basil67 said: The second half of my post was trying to find out why you’re having such a hard time of it. Would you care to answer the questions? Do you ever spend time reading their bios to work out who they are? Do you do a little bit of vetting before you meet? Did you have any negative caveats such as "time wasters need not apply" on your dating bio? @basil67 Not on the hookup sites. I do on the supposedly more serious dating apps, but I don't get any messages on those. Like I said before I only get attention on the hookup sites, not the dating oriented apps/sites. Edited March 10, 2023 by chickendinner12
basil67 Posted March 10, 2023 Posted March 10, 2023 15 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said: If your only criteria for selecting a guy is someone “you can stand to look at”, I’m guessing you’re picking men that are out of your league looks wise. Men are much pickier about women they’ll get into a relationship with vs women they’ll hook up with. If you’re average looking but only swiping right on guys that are above average looking, you’ll very much get the phenomenon of the only men that are interested are ones that want hook ups. And if the only criteria you’re selecting on is looks, that would make sense. It’s interesting that my interpretation of “can stand to look at” is different to Weezy. Perhaps it’s a language/culture issue, but I thought it meant that you’d give a chance to anyone who isn’t hideous. Could you clarify what it means?
basil67 Posted March 10, 2023 Posted March 10, 2023 1 minute ago, chickendinner12 said: @basil67 Not on the hookup sites. I do on the supposedly more serious dating apps, but I don't get any messages on those. Like I said before I only get attention on the hookup sites, not the dating oriented apps/sites. If you are getting no attention on dating sites, then your bio likely needs a tune
Author chickendinner12 Posted March 10, 2023 Author Posted March 10, 2023 (edited) 7 minutes ago, basil67 said: If you are getting no attention on dating sites, then your bio likely needs a tune @basil67At this point, I don't even want to make the effort, I'm too frustrated. Edited March 10, 2023 by chickendinner12
NuevoYorko Posted March 10, 2023 Posted March 10, 2023 7 hours ago, chickendinner12 said: The problem is I'm in a catch-22. The only attention I get is on hook up sites, which obviously attract people who aren't looking for relationships, but on the supposedly legit dating apps like Hinge, Bumble etc., I get zero matches or attention. 🫠 Maybe dating and relationships just aren't for me and I need to focus on something else in life? Not the outcome I wanted, but oh well. Are you desperate? It seems like only a couple of weeks ago that you had just got rid of some unsavory character and sworn off of dating, only to be on a new one this week. What's the rush? Why not just keep your eyes open but hold out for people who seem to have something to offer. Frankly, you are wasting your time on these guys for zero return. 1
Author chickendinner12 Posted March 10, 2023 Author Posted March 10, 2023 (edited) 5 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said: Are you desperate? What's the rush? Not desperate, just tired of being lonely. Quote It seems like only a couple of weeks ago that you had just got rid of some unsavory character and sworn off of dating That was 5 months ago. Edited March 10, 2023 by chickendinner12
ExpatInItaly Posted March 10, 2023 Posted March 10, 2023 2 hours ago, chickendinner12 said: At this point, I don't even want to make the effort, I'm too frustrated. Then it's time to get off the apps/sites for a while and rest. Take a break and restore your self-esteem and let the frustration fizzle. You're not in a great headspace to be dating right now. 1
Acacia98 Posted March 10, 2023 Posted March 10, 2023 (edited) 5 hours ago, Weezy1973 said: Not what I said. You could be good looking - but if you’re choosing men that are better looking you’ll encounter what you’ve been encountering. 5 hours ago, basil67 said: The second half of my post was trying to find out why you’re having such a hard time of it. Would you care to answer the questions? OP, methinks you're reluctant to engage in self-reflection. Hence, you're interpreting some posts in ways that put the folks who wrote them on the defensive, which is a good way to avoid subjects you don't want to think about. In addition, I get the impression you're avoiding questions that require you to examine your situation too deeply. You also seem committed to viewing yourself as the victim in the situation. I think that if you genuinely want your experience of dating to change, you'd be best off taking a long break from dating and using that time to engage in some serious self-reflection and to consider some of the excellent advice you've received here. It's easy to find fault with all the guys out there and declare there's no one good left in the dating pool. It's hard to admit that you may be looking in the wrong places or not vetting the guys you meet particularly well. It's even harder to admit that your views regarding what a good guy is may be off the mark or superficial. But here's the thing: if you're willing to admit you have blindspots or need to change your methods, then there is a chance that you can achieve different results going forward and maybe, just maybe, you can finally start to meet guys who actually want to be with you and are willing to make an effort. Edited March 10, 2023 by Acacia98 5
Gaeta Posted March 10, 2023 Posted March 10, 2023 On 3/8/2023 at 4:53 PM, chickendinner12 said: I didn't want to just ghost, disappear and leave things ambiguous, I wanted to be fully transparent about what I'm feeling. You're not suppose to feel anything after 2 weeks dating. Here how it works. You meet a guy and you go in what I call the *observation phase*. Right now after dating and observing him for 2 weeks he dropped the ball, there is NOTHING you can do about this, you can only move on to dating someone else, and you date & observe until you meet a man that 'walks the walk and talks the talk'. You don't attract losers, there are a lot of losers and time wasters out there, I had to meet 200 men a few years back until I met my ex-bf, it's how dating is. It's not you - it's what the dating world is nowadays so knowing that - your task is to cut them loose pretty fast when they stop walking the walk. You cannot buy a man's love managing and paying all of your outings, you can't do it for him. Why did you do all the work for 2 weeks? Why didn't you sit back and wait to see *his actions*? You talk about healthy relationships, it's build with 2 people putting in the same amount of work. If you don't feel that at the beginning then you abort. 1
Gaeta Posted March 10, 2023 Posted March 10, 2023 20 hours ago, chickendinner12 said: The problem is I'm in a catch-22. The only attention I get is on hook up sites, which obviously attract people who aren't looking for relationships, but on the supposedly legit dating apps like Hinge, Bumble etc., I get zero matches or attention. 🫠 Maybe dating and relationships just aren't for me and I need to focus on something else in life? Not the outcome I wanted, but oh well. No, it's not a catch 22. It's because you expect the same amount of attention on Hinge & Bumble than you get on a hookup sites. Get off those hookup sites and get yourself on some more-serious dating sites, paying ones usually will give you better results. I met my bf on FB dating, at beginning I got a lot of attention than it slows down, I left my profile there and one day I get a message from a man that was above my dream-man and we've been dating 6 months now. Less attention on more-serious dating site don't mean you won't meet, you'll meet less but better prospects. 2
Author chickendinner12 Posted March 10, 2023 Author Posted March 10, 2023 (edited) On 3/9/2023 at 4:47 AM, Alpacalia said: Why are you going the extra mile for people you consider to be "losers?" @Alpacalia I go the extra mile in everything in my life, my job etc., so that when things don't work out at least I can say I tried. I've always believed putting in effort generates results. Unfortunately, that hasn't happened with relationships. I've put in effort with dating and I always get burned by all these losers who make no effort. Edited March 10, 2023 by chickendinner12
Gaeta Posted March 10, 2023 Posted March 10, 2023 11 minutes ago, chickendinner12 said: @Alpacalia I go the extra mile in everything in my life, my job etc., so that when things don't work out at least I can say I tried. I've always believed putting in effort generates results. Unfortunately, that hasn't happened with relationships. I've put in effort with dating and I always get burned by all these losers who make no effort. An effort is paying 1 meal, not all meals. It's making 1 call, not making all the calls. Are you open to change your ways? because if not then you'll continue getting what you've got so far. 2
basil67 Posted March 10, 2023 Posted March 10, 2023 (edited) 4 hours ago, chickendinner12 said: I've put in effort with dating and I always get burned by all these losers who make no effort. You're not getting burned by them. Rather, you're getting burned because you're putting in effort where you shouldn't be. Do not put in more than 50% effort. This means that if they don't make any effort, you shouldn't either. If you want a different outcome, you need to change your approach Edited March 10, 2023 by basil67 3
Wiseman2 Posted March 10, 2023 Posted March 10, 2023 4 hours ago, chickendinner12 said: @Alpacalia I go the extra mile in everything in my life, my job etc., so that when things don't work out at least I can say I tried. Don't put in 'the extra mile', when it comes to dating. It could be misconstrued as chasing or desperate. Step back and let them step up. If they don't, no harm, no foul. You can move forward with no real overinvestment. 2
Alpacalia Posted March 11, 2023 Posted March 11, 2023 9 hours ago, chickendinner12 said: I go the extra mile in everything in my life, my job etc., so that when things don't work out at least I can say I tried. I've always believed putting in effort generates results. Unfortunately, that hasn't happened with relationships. I've put in effort with dating and I always get burned by all these losers who make no effort. Learn to be a bit selfish. Generally, human nature is selfish AF, so why not join the club? And stop putting in effort with men you're meeting on HOOK-UP websites. It’s about putting yourself and your life first. In other words, it's about being present with your friends, rather than staring at your phone. A properly prioritized life means putting your friends, family, and certainly yourself before any guy, no matter how great (well, in these cases, not great) he seems.
Author chickendinner12 Posted March 23, 2023 Author Posted March 23, 2023 (edited) I haven't actually "dated" in 6-7 years, I've been meeting people on hookup apps since then. What happened was 6-7 years ago I had gotten so fed up with going on a string of one and done dates that went nowhere. I wasn't having fun, the dates felt like job interviews, and there was no spark. There's only so many times I could meet someone for drinks or coffee before it got old. I felt like dating should be fun and I really wasn't having fun with meeting people or the process. It felt like work. I decided to just stick to random sex, which is a lot more fun. Now the sex is kinda getting old too, because there's no commitment to it and most of the folk you meet on hookup sites are not exactly relationship material. But if I go back to dating again, I may end up discouraged and frustrated again. Edited March 23, 2023 by chickendinner12
Trail Blazer Posted March 23, 2023 Posted March 23, 2023 Rarely do you find what you seek just because you decide to go looking for it. There's nothing that says, "dating has to be fun". Sure, it helps, but if you don't have patience for the process, then you'll never get anywhere. There's no reason why you can't do both. Have flings on the way, but date seriously in between. If you remove the pressure of finding somone within an arbitrary period of time from the equation, and just date with no expectations, you might stick it out a bit longer. It took me a while, but in the end I met the most amazing woman I've ever met in my life. She was worth sifting through dozens of dud dates. 3
NuevoYorko Posted March 23, 2023 Posted March 23, 2023 I think we've already been down this path, but the subjects of your recent threads have been your frustration with dating / "relationships" you've been having with men from what you're calling hook-up sites. Seems as if you're trying to make relationships out of situations where they are very unlikely to succeed. You're surely aware that the vast majority of people we meet don't end up being our romantic partners. This goes for folks from dating sites and hookup ones, and includes people we meet organically or are set up with by our friends. Most of them are not the right fit. It's just the way it is. So either way you go, you will need to do some serious vetting of the people AND hold yourself to a certain standard so you don't continue to become involved with men who aren't going to be good partners for you. 1
stillafool Posted March 23, 2023 Posted March 23, 2023 24 minutes ago, chickendinner12 said: Now the sex is kinda getting old too, because there's no commitment to it and most of the folk you meet on hookup sites are not exactly relationship material. Well you knew that there was no commitment to it when you started doing hookups; but your main objective was to have sex with good looking men. Good looking men have many options as do good looking women, so they are choosier who they commit to.
Alpacalia Posted March 23, 2023 Posted March 23, 2023 Why not start by getting to know people first as friends, instead of jumping right into dating?
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