Author chickendinner12 Posted March 8, 2023 Author Posted March 8, 2023 4 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said: Next time do not do any of this. Give the man space to step up and take on at least 50% of the relationship "work." If he doesn't, just move on. No "call outs" needed. I didn't want to just ghost, disappear and leave things ambiguous, I wanted to be fully transparent about what I'm feeling.
basil67 Posted March 8, 2023 Posted March 8, 2023 5 minutes ago, chickendinner12 said: I didn't want to just ghost, disappear and leave things ambiguous, I wanted to be fully transparent about what I'm feeling. Ok, you don't have to ghost. You can instead say "sorry, this isn't working for me. Good luck with your dating. Bye" Don't waste your time being transparent with someone who doesn't care. 2
NuevoYorko Posted March 8, 2023 Posted March 8, 2023 Just now, chickendinner12 said: I didn't want to just ghost, disappear and leave things ambiguous, I wanted to be fully transparent about what I'm feeling. Your feelings and that level of communication do not have an appropriate place with someone you've known for 2 weeks. Dating is dating. It's spending some time with a person to see how you fit together. Mostly, it's not a fit and we need to move on. If you *must* say anything, something like "I don't think that we're a good match" and wish them well would be suitable. A casual hookup type of situation (which this sounds like - you knew him for 2 weeks and were having sex with no commitment) does not warrant a "post mortem" when it's run its course. Frankly, once a guy stops reaching out to you or stands you up, it is a waste of your time and even self destructive to bother explaining anything to him. He already blew you off, it's time to shut that noise down without any further engagement. You seem determined to try to fit a round peg into a square hole by picking guys who aren't into anything serious, don't participate in building anything with you, and acting like they're supposed to be your boyfriend. Meanwhile, the guy isn't acting like a boyfriend at all. 3
Author chickendinner12 Posted March 8, 2023 Author Posted March 8, 2023 (edited) 6 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said: You seem determined to try to fit a round peg into a square hole by picking guys who aren't into anything serious, don't participate in building anything with you, and acting like they're supposed to be your boyfriend. Meanwhile, the guy isn't acting like a boyfriend at all. I've already pointed out I'm trying to find something else, but these are the only options out there. I'm not meeting higher quality dudes. If they exist, I don't know where the hell they are. You keep acting like there's an easy way to find better singles or they can be easily purchased like on amazon. Edited March 8, 2023 by chickendinner12
Author chickendinner12 Posted March 8, 2023 Author Posted March 8, 2023 (edited) 18 minutes ago, basil67 said: There are good people on the apps, and you are one of them. But it's important to not waste time and effort on those who are making no effort at all. No one is making an effort. That's why it feels like there's no good options out there. Edited March 8, 2023 by chickendinner12
basil67 Posted March 8, 2023 Posted March 8, 2023 (edited) When you're doing OLD, how do you choose who you will go on a date with? What do you look for in their profile and the following chats? Edited March 8, 2023 by basil67
Author chickendinner12 Posted March 8, 2023 Author Posted March 8, 2023 (edited) 6 minutes ago, basil67 said: When you're doing OLD, how do you choose who you will go on a date with? What do you look for in their profile and the following chats? If I can stand to look at them I guess. I don't get any matches on more dating oriented apps like Hinge, etc. The only attention I get is on the more hookup oriented ones. Edited March 8, 2023 by chickendinner12
stillafool Posted March 8, 2023 Posted March 8, 2023 41 minutes ago, chickendinner12 said: I've already pointed out I'm trying to find something else, but these are the only options out there. I'm not meeting higher quality dudes. If they exist, I don't know where the hell they are. You keep acting like there's an easy way to find better singles or they can be easily purchased like on amazon. I doubt you're going to find high quality dudes on hook up sites. They probably don't need them. Maybe it's best not to have sex with them so soon and not give them a chance to ghost you. When options are low it's better to take a break from it and try again in a month or two. Maybe by then you'll have better options. 1
Weezy1973 Posted March 8, 2023 Posted March 8, 2023 (edited) 1 hour ago, chickendinner12 said: No one is making an effort. That's why it feels like there's no good options out there. It’s just a numbers game. You’re getting too invested too early. You can just next them as soon as you see they’re not putting in any effort. And stay on the dating oriented sites too. Or even relationship oriented site like eHarmony.When I met my wife I was on 5 sites going on 3-4 dates a week. Again, with OLD you need to get the numbers in and not get invested early on. Edited March 8, 2023 by Weezy1973
Alpacalia Posted March 9, 2023 Posted March 9, 2023 (edited) 3 hours ago, chickendinner12 said: I feel like those people are all already taken and in relationships. And all that's left on the dating market are the leftovers. That's not true. There are plenty of single people out there who are looking for meaningful relationships. Try not to fall into the trap of thinking that anyone who is single is a "leftover." People end relationships for many different reasons, and being single doesn't mean that someone is undesirable or unwanted. Keep your wellness in mind and try not to overextend yourself or compromise it. Kind of like if I give you an inch, you'll take a yard. Try to find some reciprocity. Also it's okay to say that you're happy to do x, y, or z, and that you need to balance your own needs as well. You'll prevent misunderstandings, learn to advocate for yourself (even if the relationship ends) but hopefully ensure that you're both on the same page about what you're comfortable with. OLD involves marketing oneself and making strategic decisions about who to invest time and resources in. Not everyone you meet online will be a good match, and that's okay. It's important to stay true to your values and priorities, while also being open to new experiences and perspectives. Relationships are complex and nuanced. It seems that the most successful online daters are those who approach it with authenticity, empathy, and a willingness to build meaningful connections with others. Aim high, keep it brief, and be patient. Edited March 9, 2023 by Alpacalia
basil67 Posted March 9, 2023 Posted March 9, 2023 4 hours ago, chickendinner12 said: If I can stand to look at them I guess. I don't get any matches on more dating oriented apps like Hinge, etc. The only attention I get is on the more hookup oriented ones. With the dating apps, have you taken care to present yourself and the bio as best you can? Of, perhaps you need a friend to give constructive criticism to how you're presenting?
Author chickendinner12 Posted March 9, 2023 Author Posted March 9, 2023 15 minutes ago, basil67 said: With the dating apps, have you taken care to present yourself and the bio as best you can? Of, perhaps you need a friend to give constructive criticism to how you're presenting? They don't know anything about online dating, they all paired up back in college or through work. It's hopeless.
Author chickendinner12 Posted March 9, 2023 Author Posted March 9, 2023 2 hours ago, Alpacalia said: OLD involves marketing oneself and making strategic decisions about who to invest time and resources in. Not everyone you meet online will be a good match, and that's okay. Aim high, keep it brief, and be patient. What is the point if all the people I attract are losers who have no interest in a healthy relationship?
NuevoYorko Posted March 9, 2023 Posted March 9, 2023 6 hours ago, chickendinner12 said: You keep acting like there's an easy way to find better singles or they can be easily purchased like on amazon. I'm not acting like anything. I am telling you to stop over investing and doing all "relationship work" with lame guys you don't even know, because you dislike the results that you are getting from doing that. 1
Acacia98 Posted March 9, 2023 Posted March 9, 2023 6 minutes ago, chickendinner12 said: What is the point if all the people I attract are losers who have no interest in a healthy relationship? If all the people you attract are losers who have no interest in a healthy relationship, the onus is on you to figure out why. You're the one who wants to be in a happy relationship, so you have to do the hard work of figuring out if you're doing something wrong or assessing the situation wrong. Once you figure that out, you should be able to figure out what you can do differently to improve your odds. Counselling can help a lot with this. So can self-reflection. 1
Wiseman2 Posted March 9, 2023 Posted March 9, 2023 (edited) 11 hours ago, chickendinner12 said: With a recent partner, I paid for all the dinners, provided all the transportation, proposed all the date ideas. If we set a date for a certain date and time, they need to stick to it. That type of overinvestment and overinvolvement can lead to the type of burnout you're describing. If someone isn't doing any of this on their own accord and in fact blowing off plans you make, it's best not to try to make anything like that "work" by overcompensating for their lack of interest. It may seem counterintuitive, but do less, not more in terms of finding and dating men . Edited March 9, 2023 by Wiseman2
Alpacalia Posted March 9, 2023 Posted March 9, 2023 6 hours ago, chickendinner12 said: What is the point if all the people I attract are losers who have no interest in a healthy relationship? Why are you going the extra mile for people you consider to be "losers?" Equally, maybe they deem you a "loser" for doing all the things that you mentioned. Normally I would be inclined to tell you that if you think the man you're with is a loser, the fact that you are being that judgmental alone is reason enough to not be together. Putting that aside, the issue is not that you are attracting the wrong type of men, it is that you are allowing them into your life and giving them the opportunity to hurt you. MOST men, well, are the wrong men. For you. Are you initially basing it off chemistry? It is one of the most miraculous characteristics of chemistry that it allows you to ignore the bad and focus only on the high. You have zero control over the kind of guy you feel is attracted to you. Men you wouldn't even consider dating will feel drawn to you (no matter what you say or do). When you choose to date someone (yes, your choice), whether they be considered a "loser" or not, you have the freedom to part ways at any time if it doesn't seem like the person is what you thought they were when you first met or not making any effort. Your responsibility is to look out for yourself and make the decision that's best for you. Change your criteria for accepting men in your life, the type of men you prefer, and be disciplined enough to stick with it.
Freya229 Posted March 9, 2023 Posted March 9, 2023 17 hours ago, chickendinner12 said: I feel like those people are all already taken and in relationships. And all that's left on the dating market are the leftovers. It really sounds to me like you need to take a break from dating and maybe take a hard look at where you are looking for someone. Perhaps I am naïve, and this is easy for me to say because I've been married for 17 years, but I just can't believe there are no good people left. You sound burned out and frankly, tired. That's understandable. Maybe less pressure on yourself. I always hear about OLD and how miserable it's making people. I still believe it's better to meet someone organically. Sometimes OLD works, but you have to find a person who is looking for a relationship, not a hookup, and OLD seems to be infested with people who just want hookups. I think the idea of joining some kind of fitness group, or some other hobby, and meeting someone that way. Pick an interest of yours and find other people with that same interest. Then whoever you meet, you know you at least have one thing in common. 3
Alpacalia Posted March 9, 2023 Posted March 9, 2023 ^^ A very thoughtful and good piece of advice. Your emotional reserves are depleted, OP. You're so much more vulnerable to being taken advantage of when you're emotionally depleted. There is no strength in you to fight back. Reset yourself. It's time for a well-deserved break. 2
Ray_xx Posted March 9, 2023 Posted March 9, 2023 23 hours ago, chickendinner12 said: I'm having trouble articulating the support role that a partner needs to be able to fulfill in a relationship with me. Like they need to be there for you in certain ways where one person isn't pulling all the weight and making all of the effort and where they aren't making everything about just themself. With a recent partner, I paid for all the dinners, provided all the transportation, proposed all the date ideas. There needs to be a balanced amount of attention and initiative. They also need to be reliable. If we set a date for a certain date and time, they need to stick to it. What's a better way to describe this, because a lot of singles out there just aren't good at it? how does this person turn you on? one little thing for me and I get the ICK! get rid!
Author chickendinner12 Posted March 9, 2023 Author Posted March 9, 2023 4 hours ago, Freya229 said: It really sounds to me like you need to take a break from dating and maybe take a hard look at where you are looking for someone. The problem is I'm in a catch-22. The only attention I get is on hook up sites, which obviously attract people who aren't looking for relationships, but on the supposedly legit dating apps like Hinge, Bumble etc., I get zero matches or attention. 🫠 Maybe dating and relationships just aren't for me and I need to focus on something else in life? Not the outcome I wanted, but oh well.
Freya229 Posted March 9, 2023 Posted March 9, 2023 (edited) 1 hour ago, chickendinner12 said: The problem is I'm in a catch-22. The only attention I get is on hook up sites, which obviously attract people who aren't looking for relationships, but on the supposedly legit dating apps like Hinge, Bumble etc., I get zero matches or attention. 🫠 Maybe dating and relationships just aren't for me and I need to focus on something else in life? Not the outcome I wanted, but oh well. I have to preface this by saying that I am an old married woman and my knowledge of the ins and outs of online dating today is very, very superficial. I have never heard of Hinge or Bumble being relationship sites. Everyone gets attention on hook up sites. What about in real life? What if you took a break from dating sites entirely and get involved in things in the real world that put you in a position to meet new people with similar interests? The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. If you don't like the results you're getting, change what you're doing. As a boy mom, I'm going to give you a bit of tough love, feel free to tell me to mind my own beeswax. You come across as really angry and frustrated in your posts, which is completely understandable because you are angry and frustrated by this situation. Don't throw up your hands and give up. [ ] Strong people change their methods until they get what they want, they actively work on themselves and don't wallow in self pity (well, not for too long, I have eaten my share of ice cream on the couch watching sad movies and crying, but don't make a habit of it ). You're stronger than this. Take a break, refocus your efforts in a different direction, and make a conscious choice to stay positive. [ ] Everyone goes through what you're going through. You are not alone in this. Make a decision that you are in control of your life and then be in control of your life. I'm living proof that it works. I hope I haven't offended you, I don't mean to. Edited March 9, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator civility/removed off topic 1
Author chickendinner12 Posted March 10, 2023 Author Posted March 10, 2023 3 hours ago, Freya229 said: As a boy mom, I'm going to give you a bit of tough love, feel free to tell me to mind my own beeswax. You come across as really angry and frustrated in your posts, which is completely understandable because you are angry and frustrated by this situation. I'm definitely feeling irritated. I feel like I bring a lot to the table -- I'm caring, supportive -- but all the people I encounter just end up subtracting from my life instead of adding to it. I'd like to meet someone who gives more than they take but it's just not happening and I've been unable to figure out why or solve the problem.
basil67 Posted March 10, 2023 Posted March 10, 2023 2 hours ago, chickendinner12 said: I've been unable to figure out why or solve the problem. This is why I asked about how you choose the people on dating apps. Thing is, it can't be true that everyone on the apps are terrible. Sure, you're going to have quite a few fails and this depressing, but if you're getting 100% fails over a substantial amount of time, then you're part of the equation. Your response to how you choose guys on apps was something along the lines of "someone I can stand to look at". This response not only reflects a spectacularly low bar on your end, but it also reflects that you're currently not in a good headspace to be dating. I don't know about you, but if I got the vibe that this was their criteria for reaching out to me, I wouldn't give them the time of day. Do you ever spend time reading their bios to work out who they are? Do you do a little bit of vetting before you meet? Did you have any negative caveats such as "time wasters need not apply" on your dating bio? 2
Author chickendinner12 Posted March 10, 2023 Author Posted March 10, 2023 (edited) 9 minutes ago, basil67 said: you're currently not in a good headspace to be dating. I don't know about you, but if I got the vibe that this was their criteria for reaching out to me, I wouldn't give them the time of day. @basil67 I used to be a pretty positive person, I used to feel upbeat and enthusiastic about meeting new people, but so many negative experiences have left me feeling bitter. The people I've been meeting suck, and that's why I don't feel good. Edited March 10, 2023 by chickendinner12
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