I don't know what I'm looking for [merged thread]

February 11, 2023

I'm not sure where I even am mentally anymore. I feel lonely, but I don't go out very much and keep myself busy with my toy collecting. I don't want to keep doing hookups/casual sex the rest of my days, but when it comes to dating apps I get bored and stop talking to guys after a few messages if we aren't talking about sex. I also prefer casual sex over boring one-and-done dinner/coffee meetups. I don't like going on dates unless I'm already in a relationship with that person. Most of my relationships have started out as hookups only to find that we liked each other outside the bedroom. I feel like I was a pretty good partner but it would take someone really special that I haven't met yet to make me want to give a relationship another try. So I don't know what I'm looking for or how to articulate it?

Edited March 23, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

February 11, 2023

1 hour ago, chickendinner12 said:

I also prefer casual sex over boring one-and-done dinner/coffee meetups.

On average, I would say there will be dates where it's like pulling teeth to get a conversation. There will be dates when the person is rude and you leave. There will be dates where you get on well but there's no spark. There will be dates when there is a real connection and desire to catch up again. But if ALL the dates are "boring one and done" meetups, then you are the problem. It takes two people to have a good meetup, and if you don't hold up your end of the deal, then it will be boring.

Honestly, I think the problem is that either you don't like people or that you're so jaded that you're not making an effort on the date

February 11, 2023

Further, I would guess that the reason you prefer to talk about sex or have sex is that you're not interested in them as person....exactly the same reason all your dates are a flop.

February 11, 2023

It sounds like you're addicted to adrenaline. The chase & the sex with a new partner gives you a fun rush while you don't get that rush sitting face to face. You lost interest in what makes a person an interesting human being. Do you think you are an interesting person? Do you feel you have other things to offer than sex? What is your definition of an 'interesting man' ?

We all want someone 'really' special to be in a relationship with. None of us think our bf/gf is not amazingly special.

I'm a strong beleiver that when you want to meet someone special you've got to get rid of all your orbiters, sex buddies and the like, you've got to make room in your life, your heart and your head.

February 11, 2023

11 hours ago, chickendinner12 said:

I'm not sure where I even am mentally anymore. I feel lonely, but I don't go out very much and keep myself busy with my toy collecting. I don't want to keep doing hookups/casual sex the rest of my days, but when it comes to dating apps I get bored and stop talking to guys after a few messages if we aren't talking about sex. I also prefer casual sex over boring one-and-done dinner/coffee meetups. I don't like going on dates unless I'm already in a relationship with that person. Most of my relationships have started out as hookups only to find that we liked each other outside the bedroom. I feel like I was a pretty good partner but it would take someone really special that I haven't met yet to make me want to give a relationship another try. So I don't know what I'm looking for or how to articulate it?

Would you be more open to developing other areas of interest? You have an established hobby which is great. Change things up too and add some variety.

You seem to have one way of doing things and that’s what you’re comfortable with.

Try exploring new interests. Get out of the mental rut. You’ll meet new people along the way too who may inspire you to think differently in the way you approach romance. You can use that time to reflect and give yourself another perspective.

Edited February 11, 2023 by glows

February 11, 2023

13 hours ago, chickendinner12 said:

I don't know what I'm looking for or how to articulate it?

Actually there's no need to define "what you're looking for". You can simply meet and date men and decide if it's someone you'll like to see exclusively or just hook up with.

For now just look for attraction, chemistry and compatibility because wherever you decide to go, these are still important. You can figure out later after you get a sense of things "what you're looking for" with that particular person.

February 13, 2023

On 2/10/2023 at 10:12 PM, chickendinner12 said:

I'm not sure where I even am mentally anymore. I feel lonely, but I don't go out very much and keep myself busy with my toy collecting. I don't want to keep doing hookups/casual sex the rest of my days, but when it comes to dating apps I get bored and stop talking to guys after a few messages if we aren't talking about sex. I also prefer casual sex over boring one-and-done dinner/coffee meetups. I don't like going on dates unless I'm already in a relationship with that person. Most of my relationships have started out as hookups only to find that we liked each other outside the bedroom. I feel like I was a pretty good partner but it would take someone really special that I haven't met yet to make me want to give a relationship another try. So I don't know what I'm looking for or how to articulate it?

You are the only person who can figure out where you are mentally, and it is probably going to take you a lot of mental and emotional work and introspection. No one else will ever be able to tell you what you want and until you know what you want and actively go look for it, there's a good chance that you'll never really be satisfied with anyone as a partner. It is kind of like the saying, "If you don't know where you're going, any road will get you there," but you probably won't really like where you end up.

If you think you might eventually want an intimate physical AND emotional long term relationship with another person, you might want to first work on considering what you, yourself, could bring to such a relationship. What do you have to offer as a life partner, what personality traits, abilities, perspectives, supportive tendencies, healthy habits, etc? An important step for further effective introspection is then finding a productive set of questions to help you explore your interests, prejudices, preferences, priorities, etc. For example, if you don't really like spending time alone, with just yourself, why is that? Why do you think you get so focused on sex rather than on other aspects of a person you're spending time with or communicating with online? What aspects or characteristics have you found to be attractive about people you've been intimate with in the past? How do you envision the possible dynamics of a hypothetical future long term relationship with another person - what does your ideal relationship look like? When you say you feel you were a pretty good partner, did you mean in terms of physical intimacy or emotional intimacy - how can you be a better partner in both ways? Do you think it is possible to maintain physical intimacy with someone long term, without developing emotional intimacy as well? You don't necessarily have to answer these questions here, but I'd suggest you at least consider these and others like them for yourself, privately.

I'd say that it isn't up to other people (especially those you date) to find the answers for you or to help you figure out what you want, either actively or passively. Running through groups of people in the form of casual sexual encounters seems like a rather physically risky way of finding someone to connect to on a deeper emotional and personal level. I think you could probably do better by taking a hard look at yourself, your priorities, your interests, and your own desires before you seriously start dating again. Work on being OK with just being by yourself, with yourself, being your own best company, and then try to bring someone new into your world to share it with you.

February 14, 2023

On 2/11/2023 at 11:58 AM, Wiseman2 said:

Actually there's no need to define "what you're looking for". You can simply meet and date men and decide if it's someone you'll like to see exclusively or just hook up with.

For now just look for attraction, chemistry and compatibility because wherever you decide to go, these are still important. You can figure out later after you get a sense of things "what you're looking for" with that particular person.

That feels more like my natural flow. I wasn't really looking specifically for a relationship until I met my ex and decided I really really liked spending time with him. I don't feel that spark with many people. Too bad he turned out to be an alcoholic.

Edited February 14, 2023 by chickendinner12

February 14, 2023

Sounds like you're in isolation other than for sex. That is not a happy way to live. And not an effective way to meet people.

Be careful about assuming "this is just me" ... That doesn't work. We all get to points of our lives when we have the opportunity to revamp things. Seems to me you need to break isolation ...

Sounds like your life is work (not sure you mention), home, sex. That's not a great combination if you leave out friendships and activities and non-sexual fun and engagement.

The more you chase sex without connecting with people (romantic and non-romantic) the more you get attached to adrenaline, as Basil says. And you're missing how much satisfying joy--it's not adrenaline fun but I actually think it's better than adrenaline fun--to just have a good time with people. Going out with people and having a seriously good laugh, feeling that you like them and they like and get you, that you're sharing some important things with them and they're getting it ... OMG, your whole body lights up, warms us--- not just the lust system of the body.

Not to mention that for adrenaline fun, people typically have to keep going more and more extreme to get the same "hit." You don't have to get more extreme for deeply satisfying connections with people.

Edited February 14, 2023 by Lotsgoingon

February 14, 2023

16 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Sounds like you're in isolation other than for sex. That is not a happy way to live. And not an effective way to meet people.

I don't know of any effective ways to meet people in your 30s.

Edited February 14, 2023 by chickendinner12

February 16, 2023

I've read most things you wrote on three different threads, and I'll try to give you my perspective on your current situation.

- As you have a high sexual drive, you jump into hookups to get your needs met, or so you think. I know some people wrote this before, but I'll try to picture this for you: it's like investing ALL money in entertainment. Once entertainment is over, your money's gone and you're left with nothing meaningful. As you're not 25 anymore and you feel your woman's clock's ticking fast, it's clear you should go past the hookup thing, because it's not cutting it anymore for you. How do I know? You sound a bit apathic while talking about it. Hookups bring no real excitement into your life anymore. Same old, same old, and nothing coming out of it. No one really cares about you. And that started bothering you.

- So, how do you solve the problem? You want to feel SPECIAL. You want to matter. Simple solution: drop the hookups altogether. Why? Because no man with serious intentions would consider you as a partner while you sleep casually with occasional partners you don't even really screen before getting them into your bed. It might sound harsh, but that's a basic step you need to take to change your behavioral pattern.

- Sex with no real connection (and I don't mean attraction, because I'm sure that's there for you to get intimate with some man) can result in being unmotivated, and that's exactly what I noticed in your posts. You sound unmotivated: not willing to put in any real effort, feeling like you won't find anyone for the long run anyway, etc. The experiences you kept repeating are what you chose for yourself, even thinking there was not much else available for you. You asked yourself: who's gonna choose me at my age? But age might not be an essential factor here. Your life choices have a greater impact than you actually realize.

- You stated it's impossible to make new friends at 37. I think that's ridiculous! You can make friends at any age! I'm 50 and I don't mind making new friends. Actually I'll actively look for new friends this year and in 2024, as I feel I want more people sharing my interests compared to the ones I've known so far (mainly old classmates). My father is in his late 70s and still making new friends. He met his current best buddy after he became a widow at age 74.

- Start from yourself first. Ask yourself what you love, what you like doing, what kind of activities you enjoy, how you want to spend your time going on. If it's just home and work, work and home, you'll just keep feeling lonely and unsatisfied, and will try to fill that void through hookups again. So start finding out your interests first, then join some group where you can share those interests. It could be photography, collecting, hiking, traveling, you name it. Then by joining a couple groups, activities, or events, you'll get to know more people, you'll exchange numbers, you'll be in touch, etc. Your circle will expand and your chances too. Do not think you have no time for that, because I'm sure you can find a couple hours once a week. In fact, you were looking forward to spending time with a boyfriend.

- Clean up your presence online. Will men find you wherever willing to have sex with anybody? Limit your presence on social media to a couple places, and make sure your profiles are in line with the serious version of you. You want to attract decent men, not those up to just use your body for a one-night stand. It takes a quality woman to find a quality man.

- Last but not least: what's a quality woman? You can read this: https://eu.southbendtribune.com/story/lifestyle/2017/09/23/9-traits-of-a-quality-woma/46487653/ You already have some of those traits, and you can nurture others. Don't be jealous of people who are in a good relationship, be happy for them! Let the bitterness go and make room for positive thoughts.

I hope this helps

February 16, 2023

If you don't know what you're looking for, don't worry.

The most accurate answer would be that I’m looking for nothing, but that I’m open to anything.

Not everyone is like me though (thank god).

Sure, you have to put yourself out there to some degree.

It only makes sense to keep that same mindset now that you're not entirely sure what it is that you want. Maybe you're open to a short fling, if you’re both comfortable with it, and you're open to a serious relationship if you meet someone and you both feel that way; it’s probably best to go with the flow and see what happens rather than forcing an outcome.

Edited February 16, 2023 by Alpacalia

February 16, 2023

I think you have set the bar too high.

You need to take chances and actually get to know people which you're not doing.

March 8, 2023

I'm having trouble articulating the support role that a partner needs to be able to fulfill in a relationship with me. Like they need to be there for you in certain ways where one person isn't pulling all the weight and making all of the effort and where they aren't making everything about just themself. With a recent partner, I paid for all the dinners, provided all the transportation, proposed all the date ideas. There needs to be a balanced amount of attention and initiative. They also need to be reliable. If we set a date for a certain date and time, they need to stick to it. What's a better way to describe this, because a lot of singles out there just aren't good at it?

Edited March 8, 2023 by chickendinner12

March 8, 2023

1 hour ago, chickendinner12 said:

I paid for all the dinners, provided all the transportation, proposed all the date ideas. What's a better way to describe this,

Sorry this is happening. Clearly equal enthusiasm is more desirable.

This could be called "coasting along". In other words they're not as invested or interested and just going along for the ride.

March 8, 2023

I thought you were happy to live your life from one random hookup to the next.

If this is not the case, and you actually want to develop a healthy relationship with someone, it's going to be your own responsibility to NOT do all the work. Don't do it. Do your part. If they don't do their part, they aren't what you're looking for and you peacefully move on.

March 8, 2023

That's what's referred to as a one-sided relationship.

A good partner provides emotional support, is reliable and dependable, and shows a willingness to equally participate in planning and taking initiative. They listen, empathize, and are understanding.

It would be wise to insist on reciprocation for yourself and withdraw when it is not present.

March 8, 2023

40 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

I thought you were happy to live your life from one random hookup to the next.

@NuevoYorkoI feel empty with random one night stands, but every relationship I've tried has ended with disappointment and frustration and loneliness anyway because they were all one sided relationships and the other person didn't appreciate me. Every time.

Edited March 8, 2023 by chickendinner12

March 8, 2023

2 hours ago, chickendinner12 said:

With a recent partner, I paid for all the dinners, provided all the transportation, proposed all the date ideas.

Did this partner start out as an attentive date and drop the ball? Or were they hopeless from the beginning? Because the advice I give will be different for each scenario

As a generic piece of advice, this shouldn't need articulating as it's not something which is peculiar to you. Any half decent partner should know that they need to make an effort with anyone they date, so this in the category of 'watch and act'

If it's a date or short term partner who's making no effort, just stop reaching out. You don't have to say anything at all. And if they ask you why you've disappeared, but blunt. If they say they didn't realise, tell them that it's not rocket science.

However, if it's a longer term partner who used to be great but stopped making effort, then the first thing to consider is whether you want to be with a guy who is this lazy about doing the right thing. Is he really worth the effort of working though the absolute basics of being in a relationship? (Clue, if he's been with you less than a year, you should just give up) But if it's longer and they are otherwise awesome, then you've got to have the discussion

March 8, 2023

8 minutes ago, chickendinner12 said:

@NuevoYorkoI feel empty with random one night stands, but every relationship I've tried has ended with disappointment and frustration and loneliness anyway because they were all one sided relationships and the other person didn't appreciate me. Every time.

Ah....I see. The problem is that you're dating the wrong people. It's important to learn to spot the issues and walk away before you regret the wasted time

March 8, 2023

8 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Did this partner start out as an attentive date and drop the ball? Or were they hopeless from the beginning? Because the advice I give will be different for each scenario

As a generic piece of advice, this shouldn't need articulating as it's not something which is peculiar to you. Any half decent partner should know that they need to make an effort with anyone they date, so this in the category of 'watch and act'

If it's a date or short term partner who's making no effort, just stop reaching out. You don't have to say anything at all. And if they ask you why you've disappeared, but blunt. If they say they didn't realise, tell them that it's not rocket science.

However, if it's a longer term partner who used to be great but stopped making effort, then the first thing to consider is whether you want to be with a guy who is this lazy about doing the right thing. Is he really worth the effort of working though the absolute basics of being in a relationship? (Clue, if he's been with you less than a year, you should just give up) But if it's longer and they are otherwise awesome, then you've got to have the discussion

I texted them saying I feel like he's not really into the idea of being in a dating situation with me. I said I noticed how the texts had slowed down, he rescheduled from Sunday to Monday and then overslept and missed out on our Monday date. I said all those things are red flags for me this early on (like two weeks of dating) so maybe we should just stay friends. My drunk ex behaved that way so I'm really sensitive to those reliability issues.

March 8, 2023

25 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

A good partner provides emotional support, is reliable and dependable, and shows a willingness to equally participate in planning and taking initiative. They listen, empathize, and are understanding.

I feel like those people are all already taken and in relationships. And all that's left on the dating market are the leftovers.

Edited March 8, 2023 by chickendinner12

March 8, 2023

5 minutes ago, chickendinner12 said:

I texted them saying I feel like he's not really into the idea of being in a dating situation with me. I said I noticed how the texts had slowed down, he rescheduled from Sunday to Monday and then overslept and missed out on our Monday date. I said all those things are red flags for me this early on (like two weeks of dating) so maybe we should just stay friends. My drunk ex behaved that way so I'm really sensitive to those reliability issues.

Next time do not do any of this. Give the man space to step up and take on at least 50% of the relationship "work." If he doesn't, just move on. No "call outs" needed. Guy did not show you what you are looking for, and he is not someone close to you yet, so just enjoy your time together if it's pleasant - but be observant.

There is no reason that ANY of this should be happening in the first 2 weeks of dating. Don't over invest. I think people normally will get together once a week in early dating, maybe twice. It's probably better for you to not have sex with men in the early weeks of dating, as well. There is not anything wrong with doing so, but it seems to be a part of your pattern that ends up with you being angry, resentful, and alone.

To reiterate - if guy does not step up, you DO NOT step in and fill the gap.

March 8, 2023

6 minutes ago, chickendinner12 said:

I feel like those people are all already taken and in relationships. And all that's left on the dating market are the leftovers.

Not true. As we get older, yes, more people are already partnered up. This place is FULL of older people who found love and are happy, including myself.

Regardless, you're clear that you don't want to date losers, so stop doing it. Hold out for better and hold yourself to higher standards.

March 8, 2023

8 minutes ago, chickendinner12 said:

I texted them saying I feel like he's not really into the idea of being in a dating situation with me. I said I noticed how the texts had slowed down, he rescheduled from Sunday to Monday and then overslept and missed out on our Monday date. I said all those things are red flags for me this early on (like two weeks of dating) so maybe we should just stay friends. My drunk ex behaved that way so I'm really sensitive to those reliability issues.

Your expectations aren't about being sensitive. They are completely reasonable.

So with this guy, as you were "dating", there was no need for a talk because you were seeing who he is. As evidenced by the fact that the talk didn't change anything. This is why you just dump them early. And don't go offering friendship to a failed date. Just leave them in your wake.

4 minutes ago, chickendinner12 said:

I feel like those people are all already taken and in relationships. And all that's left on the dating market are the leftovers.

Be careful with this idea, because this pitches all people on dating apps as leftovers, including you. There are good people on the apps, and you are one of them. But it's important to not waste time and effort on those who are making no effort at all.

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